|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Finally,
I wanted to add that I disagree that telling her that you will make the OM's life hell is a LB. I don't follow that logic at all considering he's a man who is f-ing your wife. I'll explain from a woman's point of view. Something I have, you lack. I do not blame you one bit for not having the woman's POV. You're a guy.  Plan A Becoming attractive to your WW BH says: "I will make OM's life a living hell." WW (foggy) thinks/feels/ assumes : "It's just another way for you to protect your ego. This is not about any love you claim to have for me." Whereas if BH tweaks his approach toward WW a bit, it becomes HARDER for WW to use this exposure against him. BH must convey to the foggy WW he loves HER, and he is acting (exposure) in order to preserve his marriage/family. I think it is just fine to be scary as hell when speaking to the OM. It is counter-productive to be scary as hell when speaking to a foggy WW. Unless your goal is to make her fearful. If your goal is to make yourself attractive just tweak the words. Keep the actions strong. And, scare the hell out of OM, not the WW. Does this help?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216 |
Basically stated they were involved in an affair, may have been using company resources, is immoral and unethical, should not be condoned, etc...
Somebody was knocking at my door for about 20 minutes this morning..i'm assuming someone to serve me divorce papers..ignored it...was really upset after that...
Wife sent following email today:
i wish this marriage worked out. i feel sad about it. i still wonder if i couldve been better. but i just can't feel this way any longer. please understand that OM has nothing to do with the decision for ending the marriage. please try and understand that. i know its hard and its upsetting. but i do care about you and your well being. and i want you to be happy. maybe we were just not good for each other but i know there will be someone out there better for you than me. i felt like i told u when we would fight and when i would tell you i don't like how you treated me a certain way ... that was enough for me ... but i guess not for you ... that is both of our faults ... and sorry it happened this way.
i appreciate that you are willing to work on the marriage ... but my fear of our future is weights too heavily and i think that we have struggled/i have struggled for so long that a future will be the same. i don't want to have kids and be unhappy. and i don't want you to be with someone unhappy. you deserve a very happy/loving marriage/family."
Doesn't sound like normal WW talk...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Your only response to her rants should be, "I will do what is necessary to end your affair and save our marriage."
That's it. 100% agree.
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/14/11 01:41 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Doesn't sound like normal WW talk... Yes, it sounds completely normal.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Finally,
I wanted to add that I disagree that telling her that you will make the OM's life hell is a LB. I don't follow that logic at all considering he's a man who is f-ing your wife. It's a version of the good cop/bad cop scenario: Plan A his WW, Plan I'm Going To Kick Your [censored] OM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
you deserve a very happy/loving marriage/family." And here is a very useful piece of information. She is exposing her own need/desire. If you can get the chance, address this comment, and THIS comment only. (the rest of her missive is just standard bullcrap) Address the happy/loving marriage/family this way: (examples) I have been studying just how to create a lifetime loving marriage using tools/skills I never knew existed.
I am excited to learn & use these new tools/skills to repair our family and create a safe marriage where we both feel welcome and loved.
If you knew of a place that could help us become that happy couple/family, would you be willing to try?
Just remember the PARABLE of THE NET. To catch fish, you need a clean net. You are a fisherman. You have some bait. The bait is this. ~~~>If WW is willing to at least TRY one session with the Harleys, they can usually lure the WW back to "trying". WW may not be ready yet. But keep putting the bait out there. Lure WW back with the possibility of a happy family/marriage with you, using the tools and skills you are just beginning to learn. So, did you read my carrot/stick link? Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Finally,
I wanted to add that I disagree that telling her that you will make the OM's life hell is a LB. I don't follow that logic at all considering he's a man who is f-ing your wife. It's a version of the good cop/bad cop scenario: Plan A his WW, Plan I'm Going To Kick Your [censored] OM. EGG ZAK LEE
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216 |
I did read the carrot and stick link..thanks
so I will email her back with that bait later...but seems kind of like chasing her doesn't it which i shouldn't be doing??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I did read the carrot and stick link..thanks
so I will email her back with that bait later...but seems kind of like chasing her doesn't it which i shouldn't be doing?? You can ask WW a question. You should not beg/plead/whine .... etc. You should not educate/teach/preach. ASKING her a question in the manner I suggested is NOT a love-buster. Have you read all about love busters on this site? LINK Read it again. Top to bottom.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216 |
i have read love busters..will read it again we're obviously both on the site at the same time...should be some kind of instant messaging option
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Have you done this? Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
time to take your OWN inventory
compile a list of things you historically contribute to the marriage that make the marriage work .... and do MORE of this
don't make announcements about what you are going to do ... just take action
DEMONSTRATE what an awesome spouse/contrubutor to the marriage YOU are
Have you looked at your strengths?
Have you amplified what you do right?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Are you physically working out?
Are you dressing sharp?
Are you smelling good?
Did you get a haircut?
Is your mood (mostly) optimistic?
Are you singing? Whistling?
Do you walk with your head high, shoulders back?
Do you think before opening your mouth to speak?
Are you making yourself attractive as possible?
Are you using what you've got to the best advantage?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216 |
Address the happy/loving marriage/family this way:
(examples)
I have been studying just how to create a lifetime loving marriage using tools/skills I never knew existed.
I am excited to learn & use these new tools/skills to repair our family and create a safe marriage where we both feel welcome and loved.
If you knew of a place that could help us become that happy couple/family, would you be willing to try?
Her response:
its so hard for me to do this esp when you still want to work on ur marriage. but please try to understand. our marriage is over. i can't go through what happened in the past. i don't believe in the change toward me, maybe for someone else. i can't take the chance things will ever go back to how they were. i'm sorry. please understand, i know its hard and you may not but i need to do whats right for me right now. i'm sorry.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216 |
Yes I'm taking care of myself the best I can
The last couple times I've seen her I've put my best foot forward, I even helped her move out
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
abc, keep in mind that it's rare for an actively wayward spouse (especially a woman) to quickly shift gears & buy into recovery as a goal. It just doesn't happen while the affair is actively ongoing, and it almost never happens early-on during the "withdrawal" period when no-contact has been established (and you're not even at that stage yet).
It takes time -- the same way it takes a drug addict time to get clean. Even after they go cold-turkey, there's a period where the addict still wants the drug, and doesn't want nothin' else!
If you are looking for instant resolution & instant recommitment from her, you're very unlikely to find it, this early-on after initial exposure.
If you want to say you gave your best effort to save the marriage, then you're going to have to keep a steady hand, stay strong under the pressure that they're putting on you (pressure to back off on your exposure), give the exposure a chance to do its devastating work, give it a spell of time. You keep up the pressure, and let them squirm! (Think: "HA-HA-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha!" and chuckle to yourself when you think about the OM squirming & bargaining with you as the vice he's stuck his **** into gets tighter & tighter. Ignore your wife's entreaties for divorce. Calmly reply: "I don't discuss divorce; I discuss marriage." Continue to be gracious & amiable toward her, and see where things look in a week or two. My advice, fwiw.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Her response:
its so hard for me to do this esp when you still want to work on ur marriage. but please try to understand. our marriage is over. i can't go through what happened in the past. i don't believe in the change toward me, maybe for someone else. i can't take the chance things will ever go back to how they were. i'm sorry. please understand, i know its hard and you may not but i need to do whats right for me right now. i'm sorry. Wait awhile. A week maybe. And then, when the timing is right .... "I know that our kids deserve our very best effort to keep this family intact.
I could not live with myself knowing I gave up too soon.
I want to give this family every possible chance before breaking up a good home."
Her response is TYPICAL for a WW. You get that? It is typical.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921 |
Her response is standard wayward speak. Don't let it phaze you.
And as far as telling her about OM:
Still don't buy the logic. Lots of betrayed here have made it clear to the wayward that the AP will never be accepted by anyone in the family. Telling her you'll make the OM's life a living hell is not an LB. Call it marking your territory.
Sorry. Then I think like a man. I don't think that displaying a desire to fight for your marriage and take the OM on is an LB.
The point is moot. It happened.
I like Melodylane's take with Doc Holiday. Basically the same thing.
It also makes the WW aware that you're not simply going to roll over and die because the new idiotboy is in the picture.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921 |
If you do get served, then you respond with a nuke. You ask for everything, counterfile on grounds of adultery, marital misconduct, emotional abuse, and throw in the kitchen sink. Then ask for alimony and all marital assets.
When she reacts in shock, let her know that you don't wish to go down this road at all and you'd rather fix your marriage.
Or you could say "FU" and tell her she's let herself go when you see her again in a year to finalize things.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
...Wait awhile.
A week maybe.
And then, when the timing is right ....
"I know that our kids deserve our very best effort to keep this family intact.
I could not live with myself knowing I gave up too soon.
I want to give this family every possible chance before breaking up a good home."
 .
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 216 |
One of the reasons she keeps giving for leaving now is that she doesn't want to be unhappy when we have kids and feel stuck...just fyi
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
462
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
