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OP
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Sorry, haven't been around for a bit.
This is both of our first marriages and we're both employed.
Parents don't live around here for that great idea. lol
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Well the story gets better in this fairytale story....
I finally lost enough of my appetite to take a peek at the evidence again and got more clarification on the festivities that are planned for the weekend. I guess we're not coming to my house, but rather getting a hotel room for a couple nights. Since the dogs will be a hassle, we'll get those boarded. The $120'ish worth of VS will arrive soon too.
It was nice to know that a couple of our good friends were involved in the planning session.
Now just to decide just when to drop the bomb....before the counseling session, on the way to it, or at the counseling session? Hmmmm, decisions, decisions!
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Did you read the three links from previous post?
Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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it hurts even more when you discover your friends are assisting in the deception. Obviously those are not friends to your marriage and will have to go...
But in the meantime -- like others have said, this is the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to discover. Keep everything close to your vest. Protect your spying methods. Print out everything and keep it in a safe location away from home.
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Now just to decide just when to drop the bomb....before the counseling session, on the way to it, or at the counseling session? Hmmmm, decisions, decisions! What is the purpose of counseling? Did you read our posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Part of me thinks you should bust it up so that there is no denial of what is happening.
Show up to sabotage it. Bring a friend along to witness it, keep you in check, and not let things get out of hand.
Then again, that might be a recipe for a big disaster.
I don't know you and don't know how well you can control yourself.
But getting caught red handed is a tough thing to deny.
Can you answer some of our other questions:
Age?
Kids?
The first step to killing this affair is to expose it. You must tell everyone that can pressure the affair. Her family, his family, (I think it's your call on your family, but you can always use support).
Whatever you do, DON'T reveal the keylogger. When she asks how you know, come up with something or simply say that it doesn't matter how you know.
The BIGGEST mistake I ever made in my sitch was revealing that I had a keylogger on the computer. DONT DO IT!
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OP
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Yes I did read the three links and they clarified a lot of things compared to the other stuff I've read. Thank you!
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How old are you? is she?
34/32 Kids? How many? ages?
None yet, been trying and wanting to get started with that phase. Thank goodness it hasn't happened yet.
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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Yup, I like to refer to them as soon-to-be former friends. This might surprise you but one of them can't get a date and the other is going on a 3rd marriage. LOL! it hurts even more when you discover your friends are assisting in the deception. Obviously those are not friends to your marriage and will have to go...
But in the meantime -- like others have said, this is the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to discover. Keep everything close to your vest. Protect your spying methods. Print out everything and keep it in a safe location away from home.
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I was just thinking someone as more of a mediator than anything when the bomb is dropped. I know it ain't going to be pretty any way we look at it. Now just to decide just when to drop the bomb....before the counseling session, on the way to it, or at the counseling session? Hmmmm, decisions, decisions! What is the purpose of counseling? Did you read our posts?
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If there are no kids, then that changes a lot.
I think you should expose this affair to everyone.
I would then take good stock of whether or not you want to stay with someone that would do such a thing to you.
Because if she does it now, she will likely do it again. And going through this he11 with kids involved is no picnic.
Right now you could catch her in the act, get a picture to submit into evidence at your D hearing for grounds of adultery, and then take her for all she's worth in divorce court.
Better yet if you live in a fault state or can sue the OM for alienation of affection.
Why do you wish to save things with this woman? What does she offer that other women don't?
I'm not asking that to start an argument. I'm asking for legitimate purposes.
They're not rhetorical questions and really are things you're going to have to wrestle with.
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If there are no kids, then that changes a lot.
I think you should expose this affair to everyone.
I would then take good stock of whether or not you want to stay with someone that would do such a thing to you.
Because if she does it now, she will likely do it again. And going through this he11 with kids involved is no picnic.
Right now you could catch her in the act, get a picture to submit into evidence at your D hearing for grounds of adultery, and then take her for all she's worth in divorce court.
Better yet if you live in a fault state or can sue the OM for alienation of affection.
Why do you wish to save things with this woman? What does she offer that other women don't?
I'm not asking that to start an argument. I'm asking for legitimate purposes.
They're not rhetorical questions and really are things you're going to have to wrestle with. I agree this is a question that needs to be asked. Because earlier, you said this: I busted my butt during counseling making all kinds of rockstar changes and she resisted everything the whole time. Is this someone you are sure you want to raise your children. It seems to me that she is a bit of a freeloader. If you do try and patch things up, make sure she starts carrying her weight or boot her to the curb.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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I was thinking about that too, after my post...but then the kiddos came home.
If YOU busted your A$$ to make changes to yourself for the betterment of your marriage....and your wife resisted making changes to herself back then...what makes you think she's going to make any changes to herself now?
Realistically, I for one don't see it happening...not given the way you've made it sound and the words she's said to you.
Thats just my 2 cents, though.
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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I was just thinking someone as more of a mediator than anything when the bomb is dropped. I know it ain't going to be pretty any way we look at it. There is no reason to go to a counselor. Counseling should take place after you have killed her affair and she commits to the marriage. Counseling is a waste of time when there is an active affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. I agree with the others however, I would proceed in a way that protects you regardless of the outcome here. Expose the hell out of the affair and don't stay in the marriage unless she makes DRAMATIC changes. Otherwise, you are damned and you will be damning you future children.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will repost this post and add that you should continue to get the GOODS in the meantime: [/quote]
Ok, I see what her plan is. The plan is to move you out and move him in. You have the power to blow this up right now if you will just use it. I would sit down and calmly and methodically expose the affair. Exposing it to the light of day will ruin the fantasy aspect of the affair and give your wife a much needed dose of reality.
Exposure targets should be:
1. her parents, your parents
2. the OMs parents and family
3. all of your close friends
4. children, if any
Expose to these people and ask them to use their influence to persuade your W and the OM to end the affair. Be very matter of fact, telling them you have evidence of their affair and have written emails of their plans to have sex in your home when you were gone to a conference.
Once you do this, your wife will be furious. And that is cool. But I need you to understand something real important, MrM. Part of the reason your wife is such an entitled little tyrant is because of your own treatment of her. I read your first post from 3 years ago and I can see the problem. You have given your wife whatever her little heart desired for a long time. Your "unconditional love" has led to false expectations of entitlement that has led to her abuse and neglect of your marriage.
That needs to stop if you want to save your marriage.
When the dust settles from this exposure, I would set her down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her you would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she does certain things. Otherwise you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage that is vulnerable to an affair. Tell her you won't be risking this again. Here is what has to happen in order to save this marriage:
1. end all contact with the OM
2. affair proof the marriage so this does not ever happen again: become completely transparent, end all opposite sex friendships, no more going out without each other again
3. no more overnight travel without each other - you can see where this leads!!
4. use the Marriage Builders program to fall in love again
I think doing these things are the best chance you have at saving your marriage. And what is a "VS?" In other words, set the bar VERY HIGH or move on. You have nothing, and I mean nothing to lose, by settting the bar very high. If she doesn't step up the plate, you are better off without her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Take a breath right now.
Good. Now, what do you want from her, and for whatever remains of your marriage at this point?
Given the cold-blooded, calculating skank [censored] she's shown herself to be (and remember the likelihood she's no virgin to this guy), is there any path you can see for her to walk to get back to someplace you'd want to be with her again?
If that answer is "NO" (and it would be for me, btw, just so you know from whence I come), there is less pressure on putting together a package to ensure a robust "exposure" than to guarantee a favorable (to you) and destructive (to them) marriage termination campaign. And in that vein:
Open some private financial accounts, and transfer every dollar, shekel, or euro from any joint accounts you can lay your hands on to them, under your exclusive control.
Contact your favorite PI, and have her (them?) tailed to the hotel, with more pictures taken than it would possible to imagine.
Have a consult with the nastiest lawyer you know, and get advice on dealing with this situation in your jurisdiction.
Cancel all joint credit card accounts, after opening some private ones.
If her car is registered and titled in your name, sell it. If you don't like her dog, drop it off at the pound.
Exposure can be done, but if your decision would align with mine, it would be done initially with the goal of inflicting the most embarrassment and humiliation, not "shocking her into moral behavior, and returning her to your marriage". (Remember you really don't care if OM ends up with a well-used retread with a highly-polished reputation as a skank-ho.) Those pictures you had taken of WW and OM getting all moo-moo at each other? Some of them can likely be spared to send to her employer, religious organization, friends, family, YOUR Facebook (suitably captioned).
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Do not discuss this with anyone yet.
You're still in the discovery mode.
I think he just discovered the tip of the iceberg.
I think another 2-3-4 days of snooping is in order, before the shock & awe of a HUGE exposure.
Once exposure happens, the pipeline of information might be lost to you.
So, get the MOST you can while snooping before exposure.And, no matter what, GPS her vehicle. Quick and easy tracker is the the little buddy child tracker at best buy. Costs $50 and first mo is free service. Battery is charged by USB like the iPod. Its 4X1 inch stick and put in the trunk. I used it to track my daughter and granddaughter - works better than I ever envisioned. Every time I access it - it throws a map up on the site where it is located within 20 to 40 yards. You can programmed to send a text or email if tracker goes outside a boundary. Battery lasts 4 days. but it takes 5 hrs to charge her back up.
Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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MrM
You have been to "counseling". You got the best advice...EVER... posted above on how to start.
First KEEP READING AND POSTING - yes, I am yelling....
#2. Discover, #3. Document, Hold/prepare your $$$, and EXPOSE like trinoble.
(tho tempting...right now/today may NOT be the best time. Finish your discovery and documentation first. Post waht you have here, the Vets will tell you when you have enough.)
Last edited by barbiecat; 01/18/11 07:44 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Bump to see how you're doing?
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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