AGREE. I would pack his crap and have it sitting in the living room when he comes home. Ask him to take it and leave. THEN call the locksmith and have the locks changed.

Got it. Packing his bags sounds better every day.

Just feeling a little discouraged. Did some snooping and saw multiple emails btw WH & OW. Not only their trysts but the one thing that really bothers me is this Time and time again, I tell him - please don't forward photos of my kid to your AP.

Multiple photos of my F*&@ing kid to her. Doesn't send them to me. Just to the woman who will never be her mother. He has ZERO boundaries.

I feel like he'll never get it.

I feel like there is ZERO hope.

I'm pretty much OK with it. My love bank is depleting fast. I called atty just to cover my assets. Will meet ASAP so I can rock the Plan B. I am going to avoid him until then - I am going to say something really nasty.

Fuzzy, understand something else: the OW is in a position to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against her employer if she should ever want to. Not only can she file, but every person employed there can file as well! Anyone who feels that their job has been compromised in any way because of the A is a potential Plaintiff.

Their employer should be aware of this. I would think a letter to the president/CEO/and company attorney should be sent post-haste. Employers do NOT want to hear about sexual harassment lawsuits! And the higher your WH is on the authority food chain the more liable they can be.

I would suggest you send the letter asap, to the people I've listed above. Make sure you cc the letter so all parties know that they're not the only ones getting the letter.

It's not a company - it's public sector. Union jobs.

On another note-putting together a rockin photo album my H can find in his stuff when he's gone. Making me feel a little better.

That sounds like a good plan. I would ask your H to move out NOW and hopefully he will do it. Then while you are getting your legal ducks in a row you can work on your Plan B letter and prepare to go DARK after he has moved out.

In the meantime, do your best to control your tongue. Hopefully he will leave now so you don't lambast him. You have been dealing with this for such a long time that this is the danger of being around him anymore. Better to get him out now before you kill him!

Can anyone translate an exposure letter for me into Spanish? I don't know anyone who can do it for me - I asked around.

Want to pop it by OW's house - I feel pretty sure Mom is here.
I changed the exposure letter to suit my situation. Feel free to comment.


"My husband (spouse name) is involved in an affair with your daughter (name) and has been for over a year. I love my husband very much and want to do whatever I can to heal our marriage and keep our family together. This relationship is coming between us and making it impossible to address issues in our marriage. Please encourage your daughter to do the right thing and end her relationship with my husband immediately."

All your help is much appreciated!

Go here and you can translate it online very easily. Do you not have any Hispanic friends who can help?

http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_txt

"My husband (spouse name) is involved in an affair with your daughter (name) and has been for over a year. I love my husband very much and want to do whatever I can to heal our marriage and keep our family together. This relationship is coming between us and making it impossible to address issues in our marriage. Please encourage your daughter to do the right thing and end her affair with my husband immediately.

If she does not then I will sue on grounds of adultery and have her named in the papers. She will have to come to court to testify about her affair. There is no future in this affair because she will be eternally hated by my husband's family and by our children."

here ya go!!!

" Mi marido, Joe, est� implicado en un asunto con su hija, skankyho, y ha sido por encima un a�o. Amo a mi marido mucho y quiero hacer lo que puedo curar nuestra uni�n y mantener a nuestra familia junto. Esta relaci�n est� viniendo entre nosotros y est� haciendo imposible abordar ediciones en nuestra uni�n. Anime por favor a su hija a hacer la cosa correcta y a terminar su relaci�n con mi marido immediately.

Si ella no lo hace entonces demandar� por razones de adulterio y la tendr� nombrada en los papeles. Ella tendr� que venir a la corte atestiguar sobre su asunto. No hay futuro en este asunto porque mi husband' eternamente la odiar�; familia de s y por nuestro children."

Sorry to be flippant for a minute, but if you put that Spanish text back into babelfish and ask for the English translation, this is what you get:

My husband, Joe, are implied in a subject with his daughter, skankyho, and have been superficially a year. Master husband and I want much to do what I can cure our union and maintain our together family. This relation is coming between us and is doing impossible to approach editions in our union. It please animates to his daughter to make the thing correct and to finish to his relation with my husband immediately. If she does not do it then I will demand for reasons of adultery I will have and it named in the papers. It will have to come to the court to testify on her subject. There is no future in this subject because my husband' she will hate eternally it; family of s and by ours children."

"An affair" becomes "a situation" in Spanish. Clearly, in Spanish they don't say "an affair"; they say something else.

We need a Hispanic person!!

I think I found a way to translate my letter, so thanks.

In other news, did work exposure today. I think I may have to follow up. H came home (no work today) and looked really angry. He hasn't said anything to me but I feel something coming. I'm not going to ask. Gonna keep it cool and just plan A as much as possible - may not be able to make any additions to the bank but I can avoid any additional withdrawals.

Also spoke with Steve Harley today. He suggested I ask husband to consider speaking with him. We'll see...

Fuzzy,
I will have to warn you about your WH speaking to any counselor including Steve when WH is involved in a full blown A.
Steve talked to my WH once individually and 3 times with me. I also talked to Steve individually 4 times.
Steve is very very very good, but in my experience when the A is so entrenched even he can't do a miracle.
I think what actually happened with me was that WH was going thru the motions to show me (and Steve) that nothing would have worked to save our M.
WH was already in the full blown of his second A, but he was so sneaky about it and the OW was the downstairs neighbor, so there were no phone messages, no computer messages (OW is computer illiterate) and WH was basically always around the house.....
So even Steve had a hard time figuring WH out and at some point told me that probably WH was having a fantasy about a woman (a waitress, a colleague etc..) and that was what kept him distant from me...
At the end WH outsmarted Steve who had no more ammunitions to keep WH in counseling with him and me. We had to give up and say...well, there is no hope. Now, grant me that I have quite a WH and I think he is one of the toughest cookies to crack.
All and all I ended up spending about $1,500 in counseling with Steve. I kept going in the hope for a miracle, really�I was so desperate I just wanted my M and my WH back.

Later on I had the distinct impression that WH took all of Steve�s advice (show affection daily, spend at least 15 hours a week together, etc�) and turned it to its opposite. What he did was, he spent less and less time with me. Before counseling with Steve he used to be minimally affectionate, nevertheless he showed some affection and spent time together with me. Afterwards, he wanted to spend the least amount of time possible with me and always in the company of our son or friends. Never alone. Lovemaking stopped and any other form of affection.

This is, of course, not Steve�s fault. Again, Steve was very good at pointing out stuff to WH. However, I do believe that one has to make sure that WH is at least ready to give up OP before starting counseling sessions.

When Steve talks to your WH, in my opinion, Steve should make sure that your WH is ready to give up OW and is ready to implement all the extraordinary precautions to keep NC with OW and to R the M.
If your WH cannot promise Steve this and consequently cannot promise you this�.then you are wasting time and money�.
But I agree, your WH talking to Steve once might shed light on his true intentions�of course, if WH refuses to do so, well then you have the answer right there and then.

I just thought that convening my experience would be helpful.

Blessing

Atena - I agree. Counseling is pointless without H giving up OW. Steve thought he might be able to get my H to see that he could have what he wants out of marriage with me, which would help get him to stop A.

Spoke with H tonight. Found day long text message exchange between H & OW. H caught me checking. Furious - demanded phone from me. Ugly confrontation. He packed and left. I don't know where he's going and I honestly don't care.

We talked for a while before - he said he'll call Steve. Who knows. I can't seem to get him to make any steps forward. He is firm in is indecision.

Confronted H on fact that he has denied having S with OW this whole time. He lied again and told me he never told me he never denied having S. I feel like he will never get the point to honesty. His lies are so entrenched, the denial so strong that recovery will be a long, awful road if it's at all possible. Then there's the whole working with OW thing.

I feel relief that he left. I slept tonight for first time in several days.

But another part of me already misses him. Plan A really got my hopes up. It seemed like we were back on track so easily and I fooled myself into thinking that I could show him I was the greatest wife ever, then he'd leave OW. I keep having to remind myself, his A is about him and not me.

I am getting ready to go dark. He's gonna be mad. He told me he's a prideful person and that he won't come back once he leaves. I said OK. You do what you gotta do.

I have this nagging feeling that this is an exit affair. That he has no intention of working on our M ever. He's too cowardly to ask for the divorce so he's forcing my hand. He wants to be able to say it was mutual or that I divorced him. He won't even admit that the A will have led to divorce.

I don't think he necessarily wants to be with OW. I honestly think he uses her just to get through this and then their relationship will be over. But I don't see him coming back to me after this. I just don't. Maybe I'll change my mind later. Feeling kinda low right now.

Fuzzy,
Don't feel bad, I think him leaving and feeling what life will be without you and the life he has known is the best way for him to really reflect on his decisions.
Go dark let him see you are willing to move on that you won't put up with his affair.
Let the affair play out let's see how it falls apart when real life hits him, it's a different story when all the logistics of life come into play, your job is to sit back and watch him learn his lessons.
look good, get on with life, paint the walls, buy a new dress, cut your hair whatever changes you have to make...............
I'm going to guess he will have a lot of regret in no time.

FM, it is an "exit affair." Most ARE. It makes no difference. Your H is leaving the marriage, though, because of his affair. That is evidenced by the fact that he didn't leave before.

Everything you wrote here is textbook. They don't want to work on the marriage [yes we already knew this!] and yes he does not want to blame the affair for the divorce. I have never known an adulterer that wanted to blame the affair for the divorce. They all want to act as if they would have done it anyway EVEN THOUGH THEY DID NOT DO IT UNTIL THE AFFAIR AROSE.

So, my suggestion to you is to stop listening to fogbabble. A wayward is a falling down drunk so listening to them is the same as listening to a falling down drunk. It is a waste of time. A falling down drunk doesn't know what he wants because he is out of his mind.

But remove the booze, and everything changes. And this is what your main focus should be: removing the source of the addiction, the OW!

Ok, that is funny.

Your H is not undecided at all. He has decided. He decided on having both of you a long time ago. And he won't find out that the OW can't possibly meet all of his needs until you go into Plan B. That is your next step, FM. Are you ready for Plan B? To take back control of your life and feel better than you have in months?

Have you exposed to the OW's mother? Where are you in that?

Fuzzy,
just keep in mind that the end of the A is not the point of plan B.
Truth is, the A might never fall apart. Some MBers's WS are still with AP after many years.
My own WH is still with OW in spite of all the difficulties that, at the beginning of my plan B, appeared to me fatal to his A (loss of respect on the workplace, loss of income, loss of respect from beloved son, living in a one bedroom place, no car, no friends, OW's bratty kids and needyness etc..).
These struggles ended up to be the glue of the A as OW now is the sole and unique soul mate for him. Some WS love drama and difficulties and needy people who keep them away from their own mess. By caring for needy OW, WH is actually avoiding the huge amount of problems he has in his practical and emotional life.....
Care for yourself and forget about your WH.
Blessing
_________________________

Glad you like. That is how crazy this is. He refuses to make a decision and I feel like the more I say make one, he stalls. So, forget about it. I'm not going to talk any more.


Exposed work & mother. Email to family even though they already know.

No fallout yet.

Heading to Plan B.

I am well aware the A may never end or at least not before I reach my breaking point. I have a sliver of hope that he's getting a wake up call and a dose of reality. But maybe he'll like not hearing from me for a while. Who knows.

He's set it up in his mind that he is justified in his behavior, that he did everything he could to improve our relationship (really improve me, b/c I was the problem) and when I didn't do what he wanted - he had no choice but to cheat b/c he was lonely. More or less his words.