ABC098,

Exposure is working just like you want it to, it takes months, I want you to focus on the big picture to save your marriage somewhere down in the future.
Your wife need to work through all she is feeling, she is feeling that she has to be accountable for all her decisions right now, decisions that aren't viewed as loving or moral. She is hurting for what she has done to you and your life together, she is mad that she was caught, she is angry with OM for his part in all this. She is probably just disgusted with who she has become..........
She will do a lot of self reflection and go through many emotions, she will be mad at first..........and she will show you......and that is what she is doing now.
Then she will calm down and realize what she has done......
Then she will have to think about whether the OM is worth all this for, is he the man that can meet all her needs, is he as great as she had imagined him to be..
Then she will have to decide where her future is going to be and with whom.
This takes time, just be sweet and loving if you do speak to her....
Just keep telling her that you understand she made a mistake and that you will forgive her and you would be willing to make the marriage a great one for the two of you........
Tell her you will never give up on her that she is worth it.
Then you sit back and see how she processes all this herself......

ABC,

can anyone point me to any success stories

Yes, YOU are a success story, you did all that you could to fight for your marriage, you have also removed all claim of legitimacy if OM and your W want to make it as a couple.

Time and exposure will kill the relationship between OM and W.

One other point is that while you say you have had a poor response to the facebook exposure, OM does NOT KNOW THAT and likely feels like a parriah.

Actually quite of few of the WW stories on her sound like yours even for some of the WW posters who are now shocked and appalled at their former behavior.

God Bless
Gamma

I know this will take months..just really hard
plus i really only have till june anyway because then i'm moving across the country for a job (we were supposed to go together before all this)

jessitaylor: your footnote says your grateful for finding this site..was it during your affair or afterwards?

also should I be contacting my wife in anyway, we last emailed late last week

abc, that is just perfect timing. Because if she doesn't end her affair by then, then you have no marriage anyway and it will be the perfect time to go into Plan B.

In the meantime, you have months to work on killing her affair and attracting her back.

The hopefulness meter on your situation went up 1000% AFTER your exposure to the workplace and the OM's parents. Your exposure was a MAJOR BLOW to the affair and I suspect it is in the throes of death right now. You just have to sit back while the affair crumbles and be a soft place for her to land.

When she contacts you I would tell her that you love her very much and would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness under certain conditions. Let her know you are not interested in a loveless marriage that is vulnerable to an affair and this is what it will take to interest you:

1. she ends all contact with the OM for life - even if it takes leaving that job

2. she affair proofs your marriage, ie: becomes completely transparent and ends all opposite sex friendships

3. you fall in love again using this program of recovery

THIS is what it will take to recover your marriage, abc. Anything less than this will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage which will certainly lead to other affairs. So, be choosy and don't settle for less. To do so would be to damn yourself to a unhappy, loveless marriage.

And there are many, many success stories here. Situations that were much worse than yours that turned around. There are so many I don't even know where to start, but a recent one was Wheelspinnnig and his wife SapphireReturns.

abc,
I am grateful for marriage builders, I came here listened to people like MelodyLane and others and they gave me my strength to live through what I was living with and to self reflect and understand that what happened did happen because something wasn't right in the marriage.......
The site let me vent, let me whine and gave me the strength to do what I had to. I also realized I wasn't the only one that felt my life was being ripped from me.
There are a lot of great folks and a lot of stories to draw from, we are all different, from all over the world who share in a common goal, Marriage and keeping our families together.........
It easy to just walk away, it's a lot harder to fight for what is ours........this place just helps you get through it and if it doesn't work out we are better people for it and more capable of having a successful relationship in the future...
You want to fight then follow the plan and pray like the rest of us do for you and hopefully you will come out in a more positive loving relationship with your wife......I would Plan A the best you can until June and then if nothing has changed Plan B will take effect when you move..........

I just read your entire thread from one end to the other. Literally it was all I could do to not stand up in the office and cheer when I read you exposed and OMs parents flew in to stop the affair. WAY TO GO!!

You want a success story, just wait a bit and work the plan and you will have one. I exposed a month ago and I promise you this is the only shot you have - not exposing is certain death to your marriage. You did the RIGHT THING.

The affair is badly wounded. You would never have been able to do that any other way. If you listen you can still hear the secondary explosions going off at their work, with his family.

Good for you! Seriously, I read the thread after my last post worried you would be one of the guys who calls it off at the last minute. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and we never even met!

Hang in there, when she wants to talk about it, shes going to be real mad. Try not to laugh - because you will want to believe it or not. Try not to LB, just tell her the standard "i am fighting for you" and nothing else. Name rank and serial number only. Remember you are not talking to your wife - its a WW from the planet X.

This is awesome, I am so happy about how this is going. I know you can't see it yet, but trust me you will.

I just had to go back and read this again...thats the best thing I think I've ever heard.

his parents never emailed me back or called me to meet...i'm hoping they really did meet with OM and it wasn't just some fake email to get me off his back...

I would put in a call to their home to ensure it was them.

On the other hand, they just want to clean up their mess, not talk to you so maybe they won't call. And that's OK as long as they actually got the message.

ABC,

his parents never emailed me back or called me to meet...i'm hoping they really did meet with OM and it wasn't just some fake email to get me off his back...

This almost doesn't matter your exposure has shamed him to his parents and whatever relationship he has with your W will be tainted in their eyes.

They will no longer be able to claim that they got together after the divorce, and the divorce was because the H was abusive or didn't care or worked too much.

God Bless
Gamma

Planning out my strategy with the divorce stuff..basically I think I'm going to try and delay it for a few months and then separately sue the OM for alienation of affection. Originally I was thinking about making adultery as a grounds for divorce but doesn't really seem like it'll do any good.

Why? Are you in a no fault state?

NO, you should sue for adultery and then, if you DO go all the way to divorce, it will be on record that your marriage ended because of the adultery, which will help in an alienation of affection lawsuit.

By countersuing on the grounds of adultery, your attorney will be able to depose the OM and subpoena all telephone and email records.

As a bonus, being dragged into your divorce will most likely cause the OM to look upon your WW as being more trouble than she's worth and drop her like a hot potato.

would alienation of affection do the same thing? i'll have to ask my lawyer i guess

i live in a fault state

Just wanted to add something else...to me and my family it also doesn't make sense when now she is saying she's been unhappy for a really long time...my dad looked at a her phone records and in september she only texted/called me and her mom..a month later the other guy basically took over for me....the only thing that really changed was the affair...

abc098, why are you running scared?

You are getting great advice.

Why fight with one hand tied behind your back?
How do you expect to sue OM if your D was not granted by the courts because of infidelity?

There will be no point in suing the OM after the D because you will of not saved your marriage, and the courts rarely award much money.

Time to man up.

If you don't have any balls go down to wally world and buy some.
In their pharmacy dept, 3rd aisle, on the right hand side, two to a box.
Then pick up a bottle of testosterone on the other side of the same aisle.

It's very typical. It seems to be a line that ALL WSs use. It's like they pass around a handbook, or share the same brain(and not a very good one at that ).

This is some of the things we are talking about when we say that a WS is "in a fog." They "see" things differently. It's a history re-write. It's part of the things that they say to themselves to convince themselves that they aren't doing anything wrong. Don't buy into it. Sure you two may not have had a "perfect" relationship, but the A is what is killing it now.

Just stick with your plans, as laid out by the vets, and either way, you will be just fine.