So about 1/2 of your list of actions are not on his list, roughly speaking. Unless the forgotten item was domestic support, roughly half the items you mention will not even register as meeting his needs.

Do that!

Everything she listed falls under DS and FC.

ETA: no, wait, there is some affection listed.

I can't imagine how hard it is trying to make a living off of writing. It's a crazy, competitive world in those regards.

Have you ever thought that it's not a lack of ambition, but just career satisfaction, that he is HAPPY with the work he does? It's not about the money. I made good money for 11 years, and was miserable in it. I'll make better money once I finish up my BSN, and I am MUCH happier, and in a field that is wide open and filled with opportunity. Kind of a one-two punch of happiness.

For some reason, you kind of make me think of one of my clinical instructors, I called her "Doogie Houser." She was 24 and working on her MSN, teaching, and working weekends at the hospital. Brilliant young lady - graduated HS at 15, AS by 17 but couldn't get into nursing because she wasn't 18, so got an AA. Got her RN, then BSN and off she goes.

She shared with us that her actual "dream" was to act on broadway. Her mother told her; honey, that's wonderful, but something has to pay the bills until you get there. So, she went into nursing and teaching... and fell in love with her captive audiences.

If she decides to chase the rest of her dream down, she'll be secure and never wanting for employment. If she succeeds and isn't satisfied, she has her "Plan B" already in place, and it's something that she can relate to her love for performance.

And... I've lost my train of thought... toot, toot.

There's also conversation, which is one of his top EN's. And I'm pretty sure DS was actually the 5th one. Like I said, it's been too long since we've looked at the EN questionnaire. I've actually suggested that we sit down and do it again, and he has agreed, but it hasn't happened yet.

This is the thing, my H has actually told me many times that he's not happy doing what he's doing right now. But he doesn't seem to do anything to change that. I ask him what he would be happy doing, and all he says is "something that would support our family." That's pretty broad, and I have no idea what to do with that. It seems like making money pretty much is what it's about for him. But there are a million different ways to support a family, and I'd really like him to find one that makes him happy, because it's pretty clear that he isn't happy doing what he's doing right now. Maybe that's because he's not making much money. I don't know.

Yes, it would be good to redo the questionaires, definitely. But I do think it is good that you are open to him, trying to take care of needs, and are not just hammering him and standing firmly entrenched in your own anger or bitterness.

In other words, you're a lot better off than the spouses out there who take their marital cue from Dr. Seuss' The Zax.

Okay, I'm going to have to go back and read this Zax thing. I'm guessing it isn't something I should read to my 2-year-old.

Ding ding ding!

Your H is in "self-sacrifice mode."

He is doing the man-thang. He is putting supporting his wife and children above his own happiness, and doesn't want to rock the boat and risk the security of his family.

I did that crap when I started school - I tried to work full-time, go to school full-time, be a husband, be a father... just too much of a load.

I'll just go on a rough guess here; you know he is unhappy with what he does, and because it drains him, it affects you? FWW knows that. Reminds me of the Rocky movies and his relationship with Adrianne.

I get it. But, I don't think he feels he is in a position that he can do anything without threatening the security of his family and marriage.

Understandable?

Understandable, and almost certainly true.

But is there a solution?

I'm sure there is, but that isn't for me to postulate and decide. That is you two cracking down some RH and negotiation to come up with a POJA-able plan.

What's gonna work? TEAM-WORK! (ack, too much preschool television... thank you, DD4)

*edit*

You may also want to honestly and directly communicate that you WANT for him to not just "make enough money" but to be HAPPY in what he does, because as his wife, you value his happiness.

I'll tell you that if it stresses you, HE KNOWS IT. The man-as-provider mindset SUCKS horribly. Even if you WERE happy, if he wasn't he will still feel like he's failing you.

Might be time to build him up with some well place admiration, devoid of DJ's.

Writer1,

You said NOPE I really don't care what your needs are.

So this is an important need of yours, are you willing to divorce your H over it? Are you willing to make his life miserable over it? Are so set on him liking what you like that he become expendible?

My point was to have you put your NEED to have him be your book critic in context. My point was to have you put your NEED to have a husband that was passionate about his life and work in context.

Yes there are more than 10 needs, but as the saying goes While you might want to have your H involved in your writing, is it really a need? You have to determine that. You might want your H to be as passionate about something as you are about writing and as apparently the OM was about writing, but is it a strong need?

This unhappiness you feel is about YOU not your H. You have been given some excellent suggestions such as reading some of your work to him, or the card game, consider them. I hope it helps you, but you and you alone must determine your needs.

If you do determine that you must have your H's input and really is not capable of being that involved what are you going to do? Are you just going to blame him for you having a need he cannot fill? Are you going to blame him because he does not have passion? Where are YOU going to draw this line?

Writer1, I for one am glad you have brought this up, because it was always clear that there were things festering below the surface when you came here. You are now starting to address them and that is good.

One of the previous posters suggested and you agreed that one of the reasons for your affair was that OM had the same passion as you did and you shared it. If that is a show stopper, then stop the show. Your H isn't your OM and he cannot be. I cannot imagine how your H feels, working at a job he doesn't like, feeling as if he is failing your and his children because he doesn't make enough, and KNOWING that his W thinks he is not the man she needs. WOW!

You may not have articulated all of this to him, but bet a lot on the fact that he senses it. My guess, he is depressed and depressed people often find it hard to summon the energy to change inertia and go in a different direction.

You are painting into a corner with your NEEDS that he may not be able to get out of. You can say, "Look he can read, so why doesn't he read my stuff?" I could say the same for my W, heck she even read an intro level quantum mechanics book, but she did not enjoy it and I will NOT force someone I love to do something that they don't enjoy when it is not necessary for them to do it. Force her out of a window from a burning building yes, making her read physics books no.

My only point to you was to make you realize that you have been blessed and your H has not. Until you realize that, you will not have the perspective necessary to be happy in your marriage.

Think about it.

JL

Writer, it doesn't really help your problem, I know, but God has used you in starting this thread to help me to hear some things that I have needed to hear for my own stuff. So I thank you.

Writer1,

I was going to add a PS to my previous post, but thought better of it. Many companies don't give raises or promotions to workers they KNOW are going to remain with the company. They usually only do this when someone is planning to leave or threatens to leave.

For your H to do this now, with all of your children issues could be deadly to the family finances. There are more people seeking work, than there are jobs. Many years ago I had a summer job with a very very large company. I was hired by their engineering division as a summer student because I was a graduate student and had a technical background but not in their area. Guess why they wanted me? To rewrite ALL of their instruction manuals, because the people most familar with them kept overlooking important details.

I learned many things that summer, but one of them was a simple lesson. Only those that left, got raises by the new company. Those that stayed and had even 20 years in where getting paid about what new engineering graduates were being paid. Why? Competition for new people and people in general. I always thought it was short sighted on this companies part to not pay their loyal employees, but apparently it was/is common.

Your H will never be more valuable to the company he works for than the day he walks out of the door. That is reality, but if he does your family may suffer. He may not have the passion you desire, nor the interest you think you warrent, but clearly he has deep seated need to take care of his family. That often hurts people because to move up means to take risks and the risk is not just professional but to the family as well.

Something for you to think about.

JL

JL, I understand that my H doesn't share the same passions that I do. But I am not asking him to read my work in hopes of getting critical feedback from him. I don't want him to be my book critic. Maybe this more boils down to a need for admiration. I would like him to share in this thing that is important to me and be proud of me for my accomplishments. I would just like him to read a little of my writing. I'm not asking for feedback or help in figuring out problems with my plot or timing. I just want to share things with him. Just like he shares aspects of his day and his work with me.

And no, I don't want to divorce him over this. I think there are a lot of needs that we would like fulfilled, that would make us happier if they were met, but are not necessarily deal breakers for the relationship. No, this isn't a deal breaker. But yes, I think it would help me feel closer to him and more emotionally connected to him, and that is my goal right now. That's what I've been lacking and trying to find.

tw, I am glad you found this thread helpful.

My own feelings are that some people have used writer's thread to express their disgust at her as a FWW, and especially as a FWW whose H is bringing up her OC.

Yeah, I have thought about this. I think we both know that he can't leave unless he has something else lined up. That's what he's been working on. He just hasn't been getting anywhere with it. There are indeed a lot more workers right now than jobs. I think that's why he's been thinking about going back to school for his MBA, in the hopes that additional education will make him more desirable to other companies.

His job wouldn't actually pay that badly if we didn't live in such an expensive area of the country. As it is now, we simply can't afford to live anywhere close to his work. We also can't afford to live in an area in So-Cal that might offer more job opportunities for me. We pretty much live in the middle of nowhere, and both of us having a 50+ mile commute each way everyday has just never been feasible. Right now, we don't even have two cars that would make such a trip, and there just isn't public transportation here. For those who say I don't want to work, that isn't the case at all. There just aren't any jobs around here that pay more than minimum wage, and I can't pay a baby sitter on that. My goal was to get my teaching credential after I earned my MFA, but CA has been laying off teachers right and left for the past couple of years, so that no longer seemed like a good idea. I feel like I'm in a constant holding pattern here. Really, the only thing I can do is keep writing and hope that pans out.

It's okay, I'm used to that. Being a writer makes you thick-skinned. All those scathing critiques and reviews and such that you have to endure. It's good for the constitution.

Writer, have you ever read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud? I am finding my re-read of it to be amazingly centering. My DH wasn't really "crossing my boundaries," but I was allowing a lot of it from other people. It's really making a difference in my sanity and self-worth.

Good for you, writer, for being so positive! I can't offer any advice here, because I'm a one-trick pony who can only help with cake-eating affairs, but I wish for happiness for you and your H.