I edited my response, but it was actually in her purse. Pretty easy, but thanks for the hiding spot list--you never know when that'll come in handy.

The phone's low-tech by today's standards which is good.

Dang, I've been in snoop mode too long! Talk about not thinking of the most obvious place, LOL!

I spoke too soon. Of the fifty calls made since 12/6/2010, two were to OM on 1/7/2011. One at 7:10 am for 25 minutes, the next at 8:30 for 25 seconds.

No suspect listings on calls received or text messages. No texts at all, actually, and it's pretty obvious (from the call history) that the phone is otherwise used for work-related needs. It doesn't seem to be used that much.

They do work together--he's an accountant and, unless they intended to, would normally have little reason to interact.

I know what I have to do (demand NC) but how do I do this without revealing snooping? Just say, "You guys work together, that isn't going to work for me even if you claim it's only a working relationship, you've got to end all contact with this POSOM." NC which means quitting her job and us, very probably, heading to bankruptcy court that same week. Then again, a divorce would probably end the same way.

But, still, we'd now have the financial stress on top of everything else. Wonderful.

I'm going to stop writing before I get too PO'ed about how STUPID waywards can screw up the lives of people and young children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: Can anyone share a story (post a link maybe?) where NC meant quitting the job and ruining the family financially? What a waste, makes me sick.

North, you don't tell the WW how you know about broken contact, just that you do. You don't have to convince her of your evidence. She knows NC has been broken.

I haven't read a thread on here describing a wayward losing their job after exposure and the family goes down in financial ruin.

North, don't let fear control you. What if your WWs job was terminated today? Would you throw your hands up and go file for bankruptcy? I would think not! Your WW would find another job. And I don't want to hear about the economy. The classifieds in my area are listing plenty of jobs, and I don't live in a hot-market area.

Such an obvious point, I don't know why I hadn't thought of that!

I think it's going to hit the fan this weekend. Back in the summer, when I found out about OM, I started telling everybody about it. It wasn't the planned, cohesive exposure that's discussed here, but the main points were the same.

Fast forward a few months and all of her friends abandoned her, said it was hopeless, I should divorce her and said to call if I ever needed anything.

Her parents pretty much stuck their heads in the sand--kind of what I figured would happen.

I didn't tell her mother (her parents are divorced) until last week. Wow, instant ally. Then again, I've always gotten along with her, though she and my wife's relationship has always been strained.

So my wife and daughter are going over there tonight to spend the night, have a visit, etc. Speaking with her mother, though, it's pretty much going to be an intervention with her side of the family and complete surprise.

A few minutes ago I did call my wife and asked her to consider quitting her job. Now, a few months ago, she had said that she wanted to do so, had always wanted to be a SAHM for the kids, but the money had always stopped it.

She said she'd think about it and didn't sound upset or anything. She didn't ask me why I wanted her to quit, but I had told her the reasons (OM) months before. But, as the money wasn't there (and I naively thought she could do NC while working with the guy) I stupidly let it drop.

So, do y'all think I did ok by broaching the subject like that? That is, I didn't say "QUIT YOUR JOB NOW!!!" but, rather, asked her to. I second-guess nearly everything now, got to quit doing that and just go for it.

Anyone have tips for follow-up talks about quitting her job and NC...especially if she's on the fence? While she's been actively looking for another job for the last four months, I want this to happen NOW and not wait another month for a relationship with OM to advance.

I figure I've got a day to plan my next move. I'm not ready for Plan B, yet.

As I mentioned, my W and daughter went to stay at her mother's for the weekend. On the side, her mother had said she was going to have a talk to W about our marriage. Her mother also told me of a conversation she had with her son (my wife's brother) about a month ago:

MIL: I kept Northwood3312 and W's kids the other day while they went out to eat for their anniversary.

Brother: What? I didn't know they were still married.

MIL: Uh, yeah, they are.

So, apparently, her mother had my W's cousin (a married woman who was very concerned about this) bring it up to her tonight by saying, "You know, I heard from your brother that he didn't know whether you were still married. What's that about?"

I don't know the details (yet) of what transpired, but did see the following text message dialog between by W and her brother:

---------------------------------------------

Wife: What do you mean telling mom that you didn�t know that H and I were still together? Where are you getting your info these days?

Brother: I always hear things third hand. Glad to hear you are still together.

Wife: Who was that 3rd hand that told you that? They may know more than me.

Brother: I didn�t make it up. I�m going to let it be. Mom needs to let things be.

Wife: Thank you. She actually had [my cousin] ask me.

Wife: Ok, this is going to bother me. Just tell me if it was a family member. I�m not mad, just curious.

Brother: You got it right.

Wife: Thanks.
-----------------------------------------------

What's your take on the bolded part in blue above?

The "third party" was likely my W's stepmother. The second party was my BIL's wife, and by the time he heard it he had missed the part of "they are having problems" and assumed that we had divorced. My W and her B don't talk that much and live 90 miles away so it's easy to see why he would think that.

I also spoke with my W's stepmother this evening. Told her about the problems, that I wanted to rebuild this marriage and family, and asked for her support in separating my W from any A partner.

She said she had known about it from last summer (W had told her) but when she confronted W about it they didn't hear from her in two months. Quite the rebuff and I remember it, just didn't know the reason behind it.

She asked for OM's name, said they in no way supported that and just didn't understand why W was doing it. She added that OM definitely had to go and would do whatever she could to help. She added, though, that she was scared that W would go cold again and they wouldn't see their grandkids. I told her not to worry about not seeing her grandchildren, I'd make that happen.

No word from W yet. They're due back early in the morning so that we can try a new church.

Sorry this is so long...but thank you all for your input, advice and support.

Bit of an update...

Sunday

W and DD get back and we go to a new church. It was nice, I enjoyed it and our son is friends with another boy that goes there. Afterward, we go to that couple's house, eat lunch, let the kids play. It's obvious my W would rather be somewhere else.

That afternoon, I notice from the cellphone spyware that my W has been checking a Yahoo email account. No, she doesn't use Yahoo for her normal email and I've tried everything I can think of to get that address but...nothing.

Around 6 pm she glances at her cell and then quietly takes it with her to the bedroom. And locks the door. Keep in mind our kids are right here.

Checking the cellphone spyware, she used that time to check four email messages and sent one reply. With the phone she has, the software cannot display email messages to me. I just see the URL.

She goes to bed around 9 and, by midnight I am fuming. As I'm getting in bed, I say that I don't know how in H she is sleeping right now. Well, turns out she took a Xanax because church just stressed her out. Guess God is working on her.

She wakes up and, though I'm not yelling, I tell her that she has some nerve to come into the bedroom, lock the door and cheat on me while our kids are right there in the living room. I tell her to go sleep upstairs.

Well, it hits the fan there. She's furious and let's it slip "How'd you know?" and then corrects herself. Taking the advice given here, I just say "I know!" Typical WS response, I'd imagine. She denies everything, goes to sleep on the couch and returns about 30-minutes later.

I tell her that she hasn't earned the right to get mad here. I ask her if she seriously blames me for not trusting her when she has done absolutely nothing to make me trust her. She said no, she doesn't. I ask if I can trust her (trust but verify as they say) and she says...

"I know you don't trust me, so just do what you have to do."

Guess that's a "no"?

Monday

We go visit her mother. W is quiet and avoids both of us. Her mother knows the story and is beside herself but doesn't confront. My W suspects, though, that there are no secrets here and the guilt is all over her face.

But, W is, apparently, content to pretend like nothing happened though we did have a few nice talks about the kids.

Tuesday

We go to counseling and, after a recap of Sunday's conversation, she again denies any relationship with OM...other than work. Vomit vomit! I then let her know where I stand in no uncertain terms.

-That I'm here to work on this marriage
-That there is NO ROOM in our marriage for a third party
-That this is going to have a profound effect on our kids as it obviously had on her with her divorced parents
-That me and the kids are, basically, defenseless to her trying to destroy our family and that it isn't about HER anymore. It's about all of us.
-That it took us years to get where we are, and it won't correct itself without effort. Being passive isn't an option.
-I asked if she was ok seeing her kids only 50% of the time. No, she said. Well, why don't you ask them if it's ok with them since you're wanting to do it anyways? What do I tell them when they wake up in the middle of the night asking "Where's mommy?"

Already shellshocked from Sunday, she was absolutely speechless and teared up. She couldn't respond at all.

As I'm picking up the kids from school, she calls and says she's an emotional wreck and doesn't want the kids to see her like this. For once, she's doing the right thing and not just thinking about herself. She says she's going to drive around a while. I just "ok, see you later" and hung up. I couldn't care less, I'm in war-mode and done taking any crap. She's messing with my family and that isn't going to fly. I'm not laying down on this one and she knows the gig is up.

In the three hours that she's gone (to a Mexican restaurant), I've spread the word with family and her phone is ringing off the hook. I think she was alone at the restaurant and had sent her a text asking as much. She said she was. Who the H knows, I couldn't leave the house with the kids being here asleep.

So she comes home and, I swear to God, acts like nothing happened. Is that typical behavior? It defies reason. We watch a little TV, she acts pleasant and then goes to bed.

Oh, her step-mother told me today that her sister found my wife's second (work) phone a while back. There were text messages between W and OM that were "not work related." MIL didn't know the details, but said she'd get back to me with them as soon as she could.

As I've been going on somewhat circumstantial evidence here, I really need to hear about those texts. My next step is to get a SIM card reader for her work phone and see if the deleted texts can be recovered.

My wife has successfully and quite seriously peeved off everyone though, unfortunately, she hasn't been confronted by family, yet. I think it's coming, but that's somewhat out of my hands as they are concerned that she'll shut them out and keep the grandkids away. They're probably correct in that assumption, though I've said I would still take them to visit.

The exposure is done, but there's one last place...

Any tips on exposing this to my wife's workplace? I'm inclined to do a phone call since I know who her boss is but have never met her. If I confirm that it was a work phone with the texts, that's better ammunition, wouldn't you say?

I need to get her out of that job. Though once open to the idea of quitting her job (back when she was working on the marriage) she is not resisting. Figures, should have taken advantage of that opportunity when I had it.

Her family is 100% in agreement that the job has to go. I feel somewhat better having that support system.

There are templates on letters that you can send to her workplace on the newly betrayed thread. You should mail letters and CC at least 2 other people so no one will be tempted to just throw it away and sweep this under the rug. Make sure that you mention a potential sexual harassment lawsuit in your letter. It IS truth. Someone, even someone other than your WW and OM, could sue the company for allowing an affair to take place in the workplace. This usually gets their attention.

When you exposed to the family members and friends, did you tell them not to say anything? You actually want them to confront your WW. Ask them what the best outcome for your WW would be and what the best outcome for their grandchildren would be. Let them know that exposure is meant to put pressure on the affair and the only way your marriage is going to recover is if you get this affair ended PRONTO. That should set a spark under them.

Do you have info on OM? Have you exposed to his side? Also, someone in your family, or your WWs family could have a "chat" with him? Most OM give up their APs when they become to much trouble.

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney!

It seems to me that it would be better to send a paper letter. Preferably certified and addressed to her boss, so he/she has to sign for it. It's easy to ignore or blow off a phone call or even an email, but people tend to take paper letters seriously.

There is a boilerplate HR exposure letter floating around here on SAA. I hope someone smarter than me can fix you up with it.

You're on the right track. I wish there was a high-five smiley. I don't feel comfortable giving another guy a hug...

Need input on this. I just checked my W's work cell phone and it had a text message that had come through this evening.

OM: Still at Belk? [it's a department store]

My reply: No, my wife's asleep. Hello, [OM's first and last name].

Tomorrow should be interesting, but I did the right thing, right? I cannot believe I'm second-guessing myself here.

The best way to do a workplace exposure is in writing, sending the letter certified with several cc's on it. This way, the respondents are forced to take official action, versus ignoring your exposure. The letter should go to the director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairees direct managers.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

So her mother will not support your marriage? Can I ask why she won't help you by opening up a can of whoopass on her daughter?? If she is too uncaring to speak to her daughter, then I would make sure your WS KNOWS that her mother knows. I am sorry her mother won't support you.

Are there any other family members to whom you have exposed who won't help your marriage?

Thanks for the information on the workplace--all good points that, I'm sure, any business would consider.

When I exposed, I didn't tell them to confront and didn't tell them not to. Should I have? All I said was....

1. I love my wife and want to save my marriage.
2. This OM (gave them his name) is threatening my family and marriage. He must be removed from the picture.
3. I would appreciate your support in ending this affair.

I have OM's name and picture. He's 38 and recently divorced. I see that their house sold in December. Yep, he's on the market "legally" and that's not the ideal enemy to have. No kids, per my W but I take all that with a grain of salt.

Do you think it would do any good to try to find his ex-wife? I know her full and maiden name (gotta love the internet) but no address that I can find. So, no, I haven't exposed to OM's side.

Wow, thanks for that ML!

I would be paying an inperson visit to this [censored] tomorrow. He should be hearing from you EVERY TIME you even suspect there is any contact. Leave your pistol in the car, but let him know holy hell is coming his way if he doesn't buzz off.

Have you exposed the affair to this loser's parents and facebook friends?

No, no more family members left. But, after seeing and replying to that text from OM (see a couple of posts above) I think things are going to change tomorrow.

To-date, her family has just been silently PO'ed and are afraid of what my W's reaction will be.

I'll put it to them that the proof is there (will tell them about the text) and that I need them to step in. I can only hope that they will do so, but have stressed that, as long as I'm on this earth, their grandchildren will know their grandparents.

I'm barely treading water here and feel like I've taken a big dive since responding to that text...anything stick out that I should be doing?

The point of exposure is to get get as many people as possible to speak to her. I would call each and every one of them back and say "we need your help. I am asking you to use your influence to persuade WW to end her affair. She cares about you very much and hearing it from as many ppl as possible may get through the fog."

Otherwise, the value of exposure is completely wasted. Some will refuse to speak to her, because frankly some ppl don't give a damn. But even those exposures can be valuable if you tell your WW that you have told that person about the affair.

Afraid of WHAT? Are these people that timid? You need their help, northwood. I would encourage them to buck up here and start supporting your marriage. This is not the time for being timid.

Agreed. I just sent my two MIL's a text message telling about me replying to OM. I'll follow-up via phone tomorrow asking them to confront my W--it's 11:00 pm here now, a bit late.

I think they'll do it.

I'm going to cool off before I even think about going to her workplace. You guys know what my first instinct is, but me doing something stupid is bad for my kids.

My mind's a mess--I think I'll use what you said when I talk to them tomorrow.