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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I AGREE. It will be a warning to him that he better not come sniffing around again.

Northwood, you are doing an AWESOME job of affair proofing your marriage! Your next steps will determine if your marriage really recovers or if it just remains a crippled version of the pre-A marriage. The way to recover your marriage is to create a romantic relationship using these concepts. That is the definition of a real recovery. I would put together a plan NOW because the vacuum your wife feels from the loss of her affair needs to be filled with something else, which hopefully is a great marriage.

If your wife doesn't want to go to counseling - and I can't say I blame her - I would get the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook [they sell it cheap on the MB bookstore] and use the worksheets in there to follow the program outlined in Surviving an Affair and Lovebusters. The fastest way to fall in love again is to schedule 25-30 hours of undivided attention per week, meeting the top 4 intimate needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Without kids, tv or other distractions. Pull out the Undivided Attention worksheet in the back of that workbook, make copies and get into the habit of scheduling UA every week.

I would put together a plan for recovery NOW, northwood. Having no plan is a plan to fail.

I honestly don't want to get involved with her work anymore. I'm just flat worn out and think that OM got put on notice as best as possible. I just don't know and the text from the journal, plus the financial stress that is about to happen, has me down a bit.

I cannot quit now, but it feels like I'm dealing with the enemy in my W and am not sure how to approach her anymore. I WANT to follow the MB plan (it's worked so far!) but think she'll think it a bunch of internet hooey. While I know that's not the case, she's been extremely reluctant to do any "self-help" type of things.

That aside, I need to broach the UA process with her. From reading that journal, which is the best insight that I have to-date, what should I do here?



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Northwood8900
WW has set up a new email account for keeping a journal. I don�t feel right posting all of it, but need some insight. If y�all think I should delete this post, please advise. These are her words...

ok, color me confused. Why would she set up an email account as a dear diary? All she has to do is open up a WORD doc. Do you have any idea why she would open an email account to write that?

Could she be testing to see if you will find out?

Beats the h out of me! Knowing her now, I think she wants me to read that or else she wouldn't have done it. Or, she knows that a keylogger would pick up on any text typed on that computer, be it email or Word.

So, yes, I'd bet it is a test since she threw in the line about the keylogger.

UGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


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Stick to your Plans.

PlanA her......

She is going to be all over the place emotionally and you need to show her (actions) that you love her and want HER!






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Ok, so is this typical behavior that I'm seeing?

I guess that's what I want to know. Most threads that I've read are from BS's and FWS's already on board with the marriage...kind of hard to compare.


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I don't want to be a mean person toward your WW, North, but:
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

This is about the finest piece of wayward-script I've seen in awhile!

Here's what she is doing:
Writing it assuming that you will/can read it.

Justifying her actions.

Still reeking of entitlement.

Entertaining herself with notions of how to get in contact with OM while making you think that SHE is thinking she can't.

She's just OH! so foggy.

Keep your keylogging eye on her. And DON'T slip and say anything in reference to her blog! She may be testing the waters right now, to see if you really are tracking her. If she thinks you're not, she'll feel freer to blog and you may get something.


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So if she flat-out asks if there's a keylogger just say no and try to change the subject like it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard?

Crap, I cannot believe this is the same woman I married. She's so "out there" it boggles the mind.


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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
I cannot quit now, but it feels like I'm dealing with the enemy in my W and am not sure how to approach her anymore. I WANT to follow the MB plan (it's worked so far!) but think she'll think it a bunch of internet hooey. While I know that's not the case, she's been extremely reluctant to do any "self-help" type of things.

No, she won't think that unless you present that way. Dr Harley is not "a bunch of internet hoooey." The Mayo clinic also has an internet site but it doesn't mean the Mayo Clinic is "internet hooey." Get the books, Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and start working on a plan.

Tell her you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage that is vulnerable to an affair. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she a) takes steps to affair proof your marriage and b) commits to this plan of recovery. Show her this plan and tell her this is what it will take to keep you interested.

Otherwise, you don't have a marriage, my friend. A crippled version of the pre-affair marriage is not a marriage. So, go lay it out for her and be a leader in your marriage. Take her by the hand and lead her out the dark into a great marriage.

And her diary is a pack of childish fogbabble. If she whines about being "forced" to do this or that, remind her that you are not her poppa daddy and dont have the power to force her to do anything. She can take it or leave it. But you also have that option and have no intention of staying in a loveless marriage where you are NOT SAFE. Those are the things it will take to make you feel safe.

It drives me crazy when grown women say they their husbands "make" them do things as if they are little teenagers. All that really means is they don't want to take accountability for their choices so they play the victim card. If they do it, they need to own it like big gurls.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
So if she flat-out asks if there's a keylogger just say no and try to change the subject like it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard?

Crap, I cannot believe this is the same woman I married. She's so "out there" it boggles the mind.
Never give up your snooping tools. She's not going to ask you right now, because she's waiting to see a reaction from what she's done so far. She might in the not-too-distant future, though, when she doesn't see a reaction from you regarding her blog.

I can't tell you how to respond if she does ask, but I can tell you what I volunteered to my FWH:
In the course of healing I told him that I needed to do whatever it took in order to feel safe. I told him I would be checking where he goes, what he does, how long he is there. I would be showing up at unusual places at unexpected times. I would be calling any strange number I saw on his cell phone. AND that I would do anything else it took in order to make me feel safe. He had to agree with all of this, or I told him the deal was off.

He was in total agreement. I never specifically said what actual snooping tools I would be using. Now, he DID bust me on one of my VARs because I carelessly left it where it could be seen. But I think that just confirmed to him that I was serious in doing whatever it took to feel safe.

The woman you married is still around - she's just covered in fog right now. Keep going with the MB plan and you'll get her back in even better shape.


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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
Ok, so is this typical behavior that I'm seeing?

Typical for a whacked out wayward!

You need to stay strong in your resolve..... It may get tougher before it gets better. She may start spewwing venom out of her mouth faster than you can keep up with. Just be prepared..... An addict going through withdraw is an UGLY creature.

Stick to your plans! Do not deviate!

I've come on as more of a cheerleader for you..... Mel, Bliss, Mrs. W, and some others are giving you great advice to follow.... Just stay strong & pray.... It's as much a spiritual battle as it is a mental & physical battle.





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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Northwood8900
WW has set up a new email account for keeping a journal. I don�t feel right posting all of it, but need some insight. If y�all think I should delete this post, please advise. These are her words...

ok, color me confused. Why would she set up an email account as a dear diary? All she has to do is open up a WORD doc. Do you have any idea why she would open an email account to write that?

A word document is only available on one computer, but an email account can usually be accessed from anywhere, so if you are at a friend's house, library, or just have two computers in your home, it can be a simple form of document sharing.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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North,

I forgot to pass on some great info that I picked up on another thread here. Can't remember who or which thread, but I copied and pasted the info. It works very well. Basically you can block access to web sites yourself if you ever think you need that. Heres how:

Are you using a Windows PC?

1. Using Explorer, open c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc.
2. Start Notepad, and drag the "Hosts" file into Notepad.
3. At the end of the file, add the following line:

127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com

(or you can choose any IP address that will result in a "404" error if you try to open it in your browser)
4. Save the file
5. Try opening FB to see if the change made a difference.

This works for any web site...say www.yahoo.com.

I wish I could remember who provided - I would like to thank them. This is another tool you can use if you need to, which would block access to that secret email account and put your W in a tough position if she tried it. She could not reveal that she has the account unless she wants to come clean. Chances are she won't do that if she hasn't yet. But, she won't be able to use the PC to go there either. It would force a trip to the library if she really wanted to see that account. This will help you keep your keylogger activity hidden while relieving you of the stress of any yahoo account activity. You won't have to reveal anything.

T10



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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
I've come on as more of a cheerleader for you..... Mel, Bliss, Mrs. W, and some others are giving you great advice to follow.... Just stay strong & pray.... It's as much a spiritual battle as it is a mental & physical battle.

Hey, I need all the support I can get and thank you for posting!


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Originally Posted by Teetering10
North,

I forgot to pass on some great info that I picked up on another thread here. Can't remember who or which thread, but I copied and pasted the info. It works very well. Basically you can block access to web sites yourself if you ever think you need that. Heres how:

Are you using a Windows PC?

1. Using Explorer, open c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc.
2. Start Notepad, and drag the "Hosts" file into Notepad.
3. At the end of the file, add the following line:

127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com

(or you can choose any IP address that will result in a "404" error if you try to open it in your browser)
4. Save the file
5. Try opening FB to see if the change made a difference.

This works for any web site...say www.yahoo.com.

I wish I could remember who provided - I would like to thank them. This is another tool you can use if you need to, which would block access to that secret email account and put your W in a tough position if she tried it. She could not reveal that she has the account unless she wants to come clean. Chances are she won't do that if she hasn't yet. But, she won't be able to use the PC to go there either. It would force a trip to the library if she really wanted to see that account. This will help you keep your keylogger activity hidden while relieving you of the stress of any yahoo account activity. You won't have to reveal anything.

T10

Hey Teetering, thanks for the suggestion. I saw that somewhere else, too. I think their spouse had a facebook "problem" that needed to be addressed.

I'm teetering (ha ha, pun intended) on whether to try blocking yahoo from her computer. On the one hand, as you suggested, it'll make contact difficult if that's what she is doing. But, it would also force her onto a non-keylogged computer and I wouldn't have the tracking ability.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Tell her you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage that is vulnerable to an affair. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she a) takes steps to affair proof your marriage and b) commits to this plan of recovery. Show her this plan and tell her this is what it will take to keep you interested.

Otherwise, you don't have a marriage, my friend. A crippled version of the pre-affair marriage is not a marriage. So, go lay it out for her and be a leader in your marriage. Take her by the hand and lead her out the dark into a great marriage.

So far, at least in person, she's agreed to part "a" above. As far as this being what it will take to keep me interested, I think she could care less and that she feels that she was manipulated into staying in the marriage.

Am I letting the fog babble get to me? Just from what I've read of others, it seems that the WS usually has some epitome and expresses the desire to stay in the marriage not JUST for the kids. Does my question make sense or am I just getting impatient with something that has only just started?

I have a copy of HNHN and, of course, those links from this website. I remember there being a short piece on affairs in the back of HNHN. Any recommendation for biggest bang for the buck? I'm thinking the "Summary of Basic Concepts" I ask that because, right now, she's not really "here" and short durations of lecturing (as she would probably call it) need to be had. I guess I'm bordering on a DJ here.



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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
So far, at least in person, she's agreed to part "a" above. As far as this being what it will take to keep me interested, I think she could care less and that she feels that she was manipulated into staying in the marriage.

Part of the reason she could care less is because she believes you do not have any standards. She is under the impression that you will accept on ANY TERMS and it doesn't matter what she does that you will want to stay married to her. This belief leads to unrealistic expectations of entitlement. It is therefore, in your best interest to disabuse her of this notion. Make it clear that you do not have the power to force her to stay in the marriage so there is no manipulation. She is free to go. But she is not free to stay married to you if she won't commit to recovering the marriage.

If you set the standards high, she will likely live up to your standards. If she won't commit to recovering the marriage, you have nothing to lose anyway.

Here is an overview of the program. I would print this up and tell her this is the program that interests you: Summary of Basic Concepts


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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My BH felt like you do. He didn't see why I didn't immediately fall on my knees with thankfulness that he was willing to take me back.

Thank goodness even in the fog I had the wherewithall not to say what I was thinking which was, "Duh! I am not in love with you or I wouldn't have done this awful ridiculous thing to begin with."

I knew what I did was wrong. I knew the right thing to do was try my a$$ off with my hubby. I knew I was sinful and OM was disrespecting me. I knew that my kids would pay for my selfishness. What I didn't know was if I could ever fall in love with my husband again.

She is right where I would expect her to be. If she adheres to NC, the fog will lift. If you follow the program and put in the time and avoid AO's and LB and begin the POJA, then things will most likely turn around. I can't say for sure as my BH isn't ready to do all those things yet. I can say that it gets better.

It's a marathon not a sprint.

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Originally Posted by sunnydaze53
My BH felt like you do. He didn't see why I didn't immediately fall on my knees with thankfulness that he was willing to take me back.

Thank goodness even in the fog I had the wherewithall not to say what I was thinking which was, "Duh! I am not in love with you or I wouldn't have done this awful ridiculous thing to begin with."

I knew what I did was wrong. I knew the right thing to do was try my a$$ off with my hubby. I knew I was sinful and OM was disrespecting me. I knew that my kids would pay for my selfishness. What I didn't know was if I could ever fall in love with my husband again.

She is right where I would expect her to be. If she adheres to NC, the fog will lift. If you follow the program and put in the time and avoid AO's and LB and begin the POJA, then things will most likely turn around. I can't say for sure as my BH isn't ready to do all those things yet. I can say that it gets better.

It's a marathon not a sprint.

Sunnydaze and ML, both good points. I'll print out some information, state my position and make a go at it--nothing to lose, after all.

Sunnydaze, what was the turning point for you in deciding to work on the marriage instead of just staying for the kids? I'm guessing that you took the lead as far as MB is concerned...right?


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I found these forums. Kept reading even though I didn't believe it was possible. I still have plenty of doubts mind you but I tried some things on my own and am keeping an open mind.

I don't want to just survive in a marriage 12 years is a long time to just exist.

The fog clearing after NC was established allowed me to see the good things that I had been missing about my BH and my marriage.

We still have a long way to go but it is certainly worth the effort. In the end I want my kids to know that I messed up big but I am doing everything in my power to fix it.

One of my big problems pre affair was I felt my BH felt disdain and contempt for me and my ideas. The fact that he stayed, proves me wrong and has made me rethink several entrenched ideas.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Teetering10
North,

I forgot to pass on some great info that I picked up on another thread here. Can't remember who or which thread, but I copied and pasted the info. It works very well. Basically you can block access to web sites yourself if you ever think you need that. Heres how:

Are you using a Windows PC?

1. Using Explorer, open c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc.
2. Start Notepad, and drag the "Hosts" file into Notepad.
3. At the end of the file, add the following line:

127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com

(or you can choose any IP address that will result in a "404" error if you try to open it in your browser)
4. Save the file
5. Try opening FB to see if the change made a difference.

This works for any web site...say www.yahoo.com.

I wish I could remember who provided - I would like to thank them.

I did - no thanks necessary smile.


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Great, just heard from MIL who called WW and was told that she took a xanax and went to sleep for a while.

Awesome job there! But don't worry, I'll handle the kids!!

I need to put a sign on the door to our house that says "Pity Parties No Longer Allowed!"

I'm pretty ticked, in case you couldn't tell. Just needed to vent.


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