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Sorry about the delay. For some reason I didn't get any e-mail notifications of the replies, so I forgot to check back.
Update:
Well after some consulting with a counselor friend about the way to expose this, I did what I would call a semi-exposure. I confronted WW and OM about it. Talked with her first about it and it basically was textbook exposure: Pissed, angry, denial, and then admission of EA. Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point. He replied back within an hour saying that he got the point and he appreciated the way I went about it versus a glorified smear campaign that would have embarrassed them both terribly in a small town. At the same time I knew I would get thrown in with them too and really had no desire to throw anyone under the bus.
My friend and I talked about doing it this way and she said that would fit my personality. Honestly, it went exactly as planned and couldn't have been any better. No screaming, yelling, fighting, etc. Just two adults talking serious.
After the admission, she was very open about the entire EA and really echoed what I had seen. This EA had really only lasted less than a week. Since then we have had several very chats about it. She agreed to attend counseling on Monday that I had scheduled after our Thursday feud. The next morning I got a wonderful e-mail from her completely apologizing about the whole thing. It also made confessions in the e-mail about other stuff I already knew, but didn't let her know like the VS package. It was definitely a huge step for her.
The part that made her the absolute angriest was that fact that I told my family about this. I did not feel the need to tell hers or the OM's family at this time. She was furious about it. I told her that is my support structure vs she has girlfriends that she can talk to. She still wasn't pleased with that answer. I told her that I was proud of her, because yesterday (2 days after the exposure) she wrote my family a huge long letter of apology for her actions. She also said in there that she doesn't know when she will be able to face them yet tho which I can understand.
We went to our first round of counseling last night which was great. Everyone was very open. The counselor didn't throw her under the bus, but just acknowledged the fact that it takes two to tango and that there were reasons that she was seeking outside of our marriage. I know that for sure it was neglect on my part. I have admitted that to her many times. She was very supportive and encouraged on how the session went. We also have another session scheduled for Monday.
As you probably know, I did cancel my trip for this weekend, but I did plan a trip now to spend a night with her away. We're going to be doing nothing but chilling out and just talking about stuff all weekend, planning, and trying to work stuff out. I know this sounds all weird after all of this just happening but in my heart, I think its the right thing to do to even have an attempt at starting over.
Over the past few nights, we have spent 2-3 hours together doing stuff, hanging out, talking, etc which isn't normal, but its now the new normal. This has to be MY focus in order to pick up my end of the deal and hopefully make it work out longterm.
THANK YOU for all your help! I know there are going to be some hard days, some valleys, some rough times, but it couldn't have gone smoother so far and I appreciate all of your help, advice, thoughts, prayers, and concern to help me get this far.
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this isn't over yet. I don't think I've ever seems ww turn around this quick. Women tend to be more emotionally invested in their affairs. I wouldn't be surprised if they hook up again but are just more careful. It seems like you gave your wife a free pass and an education about how you roll. Did she send om a no-contact letter?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this isn't over yet. I don't think I've ever seems ww turn around this quick. Women tend to be more emotionally invested in their affairs. I wouldn't be surprised if they hook up again but are just more careful. It seems like you gave your wife a free pass and an education about how you roll. Did she send om a no-contact letter?
Yeah, I know Meggy. I was thinking the same thing. We've seen this movie before.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
We went to our first round of counseling last night which was great. Everyone was very open. The counselor didn't throw her under the bus, but just acknowledged the fact that it takes two to tango and that there were reasons that she was seeking outside of our marriage. I know that for sure it was neglect on my part. I have admitted that to her many times. She was very supportive and encouraged on how the session went. We also have another session scheduled for Monday.
A couple of things stand out, MrM. Has she agreed to end all contact with the OM? What is essential in recovering a marriage after an affair is ending all contact with the OP and affair proofing your marriage. Saying that your neglect was what caused the affair misses this point and doesn't encourage accountability on her part. And if she takes no accountability then she obviously won't make the necessary changes herself.
What caused the affair was her lack of boundaries in the marriage. She allowed another man to meet her needs and unless that environment is changed, you are headed to another affair.
You could be doing the best job ever meeting her needs but unless she has appropriate boundaries around other men you are likely headed to another affair.
And I am sorry you did not expose the affair to the OM's family and your wife's family. Protecting them from the consequences of their affair only deprives them of a much needed lesson at the expense of your marriage. That did not help them in any way and in fact, leaves the door open for them to resume the affair. The more people who know about the affair the more people to hold them accountable. Affairs thrive on secrecy and helping them keep it a secret was helpful to no one, especially THEM.
Originally Posted by Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"There are many reasons for this recommendation,[exposure to family, friends, children, clergy] but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it�s far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.
As you already know, I�m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency�letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you�holding you accountable." here
Check this out:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this isn't over yet. I don't think I've ever seems ww turn around this quick. Women tend to be more emotionally invested in their affairs. I wouldn't be surprised if they hook up again but are just more careful. It seems like you gave your wife a free pass and an education about how you roll. Did she send om a no-contact letter?
The affair has gone further underground.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Well after some consulting with a counselor friend about the way to expose this, I did what I would call a semi-exposure. I confronted WW and OM about it. Talked with her first about it and it basically was textbook exposure: Pissed, angry, denial, and then admission of EA. Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point.
This is not a "semi" exposure, it is trying to deal with a terrorist that is taking over your house. When you deal with the OP they are not sorrowful, remorseful or sincere. They are mad because "you caught them. They will say anything you want to hear so you DON'T expose them.
They will be on best hehavior for awhile and then hide it better from you. I tried to reason with the OW when this started...I would have been better dealing with a rattlesnake.
You think the OP is like you. They have no morals or character when they are in these A.
Don't tell OP what you will or will not do. Just do it. They need to be accountable. You are just part of the secret and it feeds into the drama.
Listen to the vets here. Blessings.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years D17, D30 alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08 Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also) H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08 Plan B 1/09 D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
M/L - His posting was at 11:30; yours at 12:01. You're slipping! My B/S-O-Meter was well into the red
and alarm bells were sounding for awhile, but I thought I'd yield the first rejoinder to you.
MM - You blew it! You might not know it now, but you will soon. You're being PLAYED my friend. I'm just sick, having to put you in the collection of BH's who failed to have the stones to lay waste to the infidels, and bring respect back to their existence.
Damn, that collection is getting too big for the shelf it's on.
(This is my 301st post, and it is among the least optimistic!)
You MUST inform the scumbags wife about this. She deserves to know. She needs to protect herself from your wife. She needs to keep a watchful eye on the other side of this equation.
Just wait until thing die down and you let your guard down. This guy will be in your WW's pants in no time. Next time they come in contact they'll devise a way to keep in touch under your radar. It will build back up and the next time you go out of town, they'll be at it hot and heavy once again. Such are the consequences of "semi-exposure."
Jim
BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
Please contact the OM's wife ASAP. She should know what she is dealing with.
EXPOSE to her and to your wife's family. If she is truly committed to making this right with you she will deal with the exposure and come to understand it is necessary.
Me:BW 34yo FWH: 36yo Married:11 years Together:16 years (dated through college years) 3 Children: 8, 7, 2 EA 10/2009 PA began 12/09 lasted until 4/10 EA Discovery 1/10 & PA Discovery 4/10 What I thought was "no-contact" in 1/10 was a FR Last known contact June 2010 Believe we are finally in firm no-contact and working on recovering.
You made a huge tactical error by not fully exposing. Regain what ground you can by doing a full exposure, now, today. Let everyone you expose to know that you have absolute documentation of the A.
Salvage what you can of this, and you still may be able to kill it quickly. Maybe.
Half an exposure just doesn't cut it.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb
Agreed. Sorry, buddy, your life and the affair just got a lot more complicated. You drove them into solidarity. Guess what? I had a cconversation with the OM over email after I found out about their affair. I screwed up by telling him I was giving him the opportunity to tell her himself. He wrote back "Oh, thank you thank you, I'm so sorry, I'll stay out of your marriage and tell my BW EVERYTHING." Thankfully I thought better due to these MB guys, and exposed to his BW myself within the next couple days. Shock! The story he told his wife was VERY different from what actually occurred.
You need to correct, immediately, by exposing more until your WW is hopping mad. That will mean you've actually gotten somewhere.
Formerly ConfuzedHusband BH WW (Now XW) Married 4 years, No children. EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008. DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008 Divorce final 3/2009.
Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point. He replied back within an hour saying that he got the point and he appreciated the way I went about it versus a glorified smear campaign that would have embarrassed them both terribly in a small town.
"I say, old boy. I hate to be a bother, but could you do me the trouble of not shagging my wife this weekend?"
"Certainly, old chap! No trouble at all!" there's always the next time you go out of town...
You need to man up and start thinking along these lines...
We've seen this movie before. The affair will continue. You don't believe us, but I'll bet anything that you're back before long telling us that she has continued contact and is giving you the "we're friends" line.
Sorry, but this isn't going to solve your problem.
If she's the one in a million that won't continue her affair, then great. If she's like everyone else we've ever seen here, then you're going to expose the right way the next time because that will really be your only option.
What you've done is now drive their contact further underground and you've given no consequence to the OM. Great job!
Now, make us proud and put some hurt into this man's life and expose to his wife!
Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point. He replied back within an hour saying that he got the point and he appreciated the way I went about it versus a glorified smear campaign that would have embarrassed them both terribly in a small town.
"I say, old boy. I hate to be a bother, but could you do me the trouble of not shagging my wife this weekend?"
"Certainly, old chap! No trouble at all!" there's always the next time you go out of town...
You need to man up and start thinking along these lines...
He can't hep hisself; he is a Texas boy...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
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