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Let's cut to the simplest form of analysis here.
1 - WHAT THE AP'S DO IS GOOD FOR THE AFFAIR.
2 - WHAT THE AP'S AVOID IS BAD FOR THE AFFAIR.
So, have the AP's been secretive and dishonest about the little activity they have been pursuing? Yes? So secrecy and dishonsety is good for the affair.
Have the AP's avoided exposing their behavior in front of their family, friends, co-woorkers, clergy, etc? Yes? So exposure is bad for the affair.
I do not have it in me to reduce this to any lower level of complexity.
(The higher the hair, the closer to God? Figures - and me with a buzz-cut!)
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I also have concerns about the 400 pages of emails. When I come out to the wife about the A, I want to make sure that I do not divulge all of the email. If so, I am afraid that this avenue of the truth will quickly close.
Do I stay vague on how I know? Present vague examples that I could have gotten anywhere? If she denies, then bring out the heavier guns? What you're asking here is whether or not it's a good idea to 'leak' your exposure so you can turn off the spigot the second you see a reaction from your WW. The answer would be no. sparks, I don't know you, your WW or her girlfriend. But I do know that I've been on this site now for quite awhile, and I don't recall anyone saving their M when they wussed out on exposure. I DO know a lot of posters who LOST their M after they wussed out. There is no guarantee that your WW will immediately turn 100% hetero and come running home to you after you expose. But I can pretty much guarantee that you are going to kiss your M goodbye if you continue to sit on your hands and waffle over taking control of this mess. Your call.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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I met with my therapist today to give him a rundown of the emails discovered and the proof of the PA. We discussed the reading of the letter strategy for outing the PA. This is my big dilemma at the moment. Here is the first draft of the basis that I want to communicate. Suggestions? Additions? Deletions?
I know of the affair you have been having with OW. Your admission of this affair is not needed for proof.
This affair has been the most devastating event in my life. You have crushed me more than you could ever comprehend with your betrayal.
I do believe, however, that we can recover from this traumatic mistake. In order for this to work, I demand that contact with OW end today. I will also need you to write me a no contact letter. If this does not happen, a divorce will be in our future.
I am sure you have been extremely scared and confused as this affair has gone on. There are a range of emotions that you have been feeling. For the last year, I have not always been there to accept your emotional needs. Allow me to improve. Allow our marriage to improve. It will take hard work and will not be easy. In the end, I think this journey can actually make our marriage stronger. Let's build these blocks from the ground up more stable than they were before.
I found a card that you had written me just last year. Here are some of your words. "Thank you for always having patience with me - even sometimes when I know it is the most difficult thing to do. You are my rock - you help me be a better person. I learn from you every day about patience and unconditional love. I am the luckiest girl alive to have you as my husband!! I love and appreciate you and everything that you do for me and for us more than you could possibly know!"
Let me continue to be your rock. Let me continue to love you and raise an amazing family together.
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What you're asking here is whether or not it's a good idea to 'leak' your exposure so you can turn off the spigot the second you see a reaction from your WW. The answer would be no.
sparks, I don't know you, your WW or her girlfriend. But I do know that I've been on this site now for quite awhile, and I don't recall anyone saving their M when they wussed out on exposure. I DO know a lot of posters who LOST their M after they wussed out.
There is no guarantee that your WW will immediately turn 100% hetero and come running home to you after you expose. But I can pretty much guarantee that you are going to kiss your M goodbye if you continue to sit on your hands and waffle over taking control of this mess.
Your call. Thanks for the reply, maritalbliss. Not trying to wuss out. This is just the first avenue I have found that presents this method. Obviously my marriage is this important to me, so I just want to make sure I do not set off any explosives that could destroy it that were not needed. I understand that Dr. Harley's methods of exposure are the most critical piece. Since I am on this site, I am sure to get all of the replies backing this up. I do appreciate you being blunt. I understand the message. Must the exposure be a bomb that I provide after the meeting with my wife, without her knowledge? In my letter to her, can I demand that both of our parents be aware of the affair, so they can give support. Then say something to the effect that they will soon know regardless if you do not agree?
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We discussed the reading of the letter strategy for outing the PA. sparks, who are you 'outing' the PA to? Your WW? She already knows she's having an A! What good will outing her A to her do? Sigh. Okay, I understand your reluctance to jump on this and kill it. That's a fairly normal reaction for newly betrayed spouses. But I see absolutely NO PLAN here. Alright, you send this, and she reads it. She feels bad that you're hurt. She turns to her girlfriend for comfort from her sadness over your pain. WHAT DID THIS EXERCISE ACCOMPLISH FOR YOU?
D-Day 2-10-2009
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We discussed the reading of the letter strategy for outing the PA. sparks, who are you 'outing' the PA to? Your WW? She already knows she's having an A! What good will outing her A to her do? Sigh. Okay, I understand your reluctance to jump on this and kill it. That's a fairly normal reaction for newly betrayed spouses. But I see absolutely NO PLAN here. Alright, you send this, and she reads it. She feels bad that you're hurt. She turns to her girlfriend for comfort from her sadness over your pain. WHAT DID THIS EXERCISE ACCOMPLISH FOR YOU?Outing may not be the proper term. I must somehow let my wife know that I have discovered her affair and then provide a plan to end it. Right? I will not be sending a letter. I would like to read the letter to her in front of a couples therapist in order to facilitate. My wife would tend to shutdown and run from this kind of painful conversation. A therapist would help develop some of the communication needed. Yes. I could easily just drop the exosure bomb today. Then tell her my way or the highway the next time I see her. What does that accomplish?
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Knowing my W, I know the stability issues that would come from me dropping that bomb. I fear the resentment would be so strong that it would be easier for her to move forward with the divorce than to reconcile with me after the bomb. You are probably not going to make it because you are more motivated by fear than a desire to save your marriage. Folks that allow fear and emotion to drive their decisions don't save their marriages. The ones who make it have the ability to set aside their emotions long enough to follow a plan. Those who can't do that, don't save their marriages. I would add that you are the least objective person on this thread and that your best thinking got you into this mess. You are arguing with people who have saved their marriages using these tactics. If you decide you want we have - SAVED MARRIAGES - give me a shout and perhaps we can help. But there is nothing we can do for you if you refuse to do anything to help yourself. I wish you the best. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I will not be sending a letter. I would like to read the letter to her in front of a couples therapist in order to facilitate. My wife would tend to shutdown and run from this kind of painful conversation. A therapist would help develop some of the communication needed. You need a therapist to confront your wife about her affair?? MY GOD! WHY??  You, Sir, have to be about the most timid man I have ever encountered on this forum in 10 years. Why in the world do you need a "therapist" to do something any normal person can do? You are not going to make it if you don't MAN UP and grow some balls. Sorry to be so harsh, but this is downright ridiculous.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would like to read the letter to her in front of a couples therapist in order to facilitate. My wife would tend to shutdown and run from this kind of painful conversation. A therapist would help develop some of the communication needed. You've made my point for me. Okay, sparks. You're going to somehow get her to a couples therapist, and then you're going to whip out the letter, outing her in front of this guy. What do you suppose she's going to do then? She's going to run from this painful conversation! And she's going to hate you for setting her up in this confrontation in front of this stranger. She is going to call you a liar and make her exit. Let me ask you again: what will you accomplish by doing this??
D-Day 2-10-2009
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[
I will not be sending a letter. I would like to read the letter to her in front of a couples therapist in order to facilitate. My wife would tend to shutdown and run from this kind of painful conversation. A therapist would help develop some of the communication needed. You need a therapist to confront your wife about her affair?? MY GOD! WHY?? You, Sir, have to be about the most timid man I have ever encountered on this forum in 10 years. Why in the world do you need a "therapist" to do something any normal person can do? You are not going to make it if you don't MAN UP and grow some balls. Sorry to be so harsh, but this is downright ridiculous. Harsh is right. I may be timid here because of the emotion involved. I am truly in pain right now and only want to make sure that I don't' make a false step that could make matters worse. I would not be on this forum if I did not value the advice it would provide. Please don't take my expressions as arguing with people who know more about this subject then I do. It is not that I need a therapist to referee our conversation. I just thought it would help provide an environment that would facilitate the proper dialogue to get through this intense conversation. I would truly value your insight on the letter that I would like to read to her. I am sure that I will be rewriting this message another 20 times, but I want to make sure I get the point across correctly. Thanks, Melody.
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Outing may not be the proper term. I must somehow let my wife know that I have discovered her affair and then provide a plan to end it. Right? EXPOSURE accomplishes this. Your WS made a decision to have an affair. Did she ask you? So 1. You tell your WS that you know that she is having an A. 2. You tell her to end it immediately. WS proves this to you by being transparent in all the things she does. 3. WS establishes No Contact for life with OW. First step is writing NC Letter. If WS doesn't end it. YOU EXPOSE! WS e-mails to OW already tell you that WS is looking for the right time to end it with you. So that marriage ship of yours is sinking. Sometimes you have to take on water to get the hole in the ship out of the water. This allows you to repair the hole. If you do nothing but DOORMAT then you will not fix the leak and your going to the bottom. GLURB! GLURB! GLURB! ![[Linked Image from firstpartners.net]](http://www.firstpartners.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/sinking-ship.jpg)
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I would like to read the letter to her in front of a couples therapist in order to facilitate. My wife would tend to shutdown and run from this kind of painful conversation. A therapist would help develop some of the communication needed. You've made my point for me. Okay, sparks. You're going to somehow get her to a couples therapist, and then you're going to whip out the letter, outing her in front of this guy. What do you suppose she's going to do then? She's going to run from this painful conversation! And she's going to hate you for setting her up in this confrontation in front of this stranger. She is going to call you a liar and make her exit. Let me ask you again: what will you accomplish by doing this??Do I sit her down in our home and tell her outright? Short and to the point? Avoid the letter approach completely? I'm serious. Please give me advice here. The letter is because I often find a loss for the proper words when anxiety takes over. I understand the tough love approach, and I really could use the guidance.
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It is not that I need a therapist to referee our conversation. I just thought it would help provide an environment that would facilitate the proper dialogue to get through this intense conversation. I think you need to stop choosing to be crippled. You don't need a letter and you don't need a "therapist" to have a tough discussion with your own wife. You are not a cripple, Sir. You can choose to be a man and have a discussion with your wife. Millions of people do this every day without having to run off to a counselor. I would truly value your insight on the letter that I would like to read to her. I am sure that I will be rewriting this message another 20 times, but I want to make sure I get the point across correctly. I would throw the letter in the trash and stop being a silly man. Go sit the damn woman down and tell her you know about her affair and demand that she stop. Be an adult and have an adult conversation. Please.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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@Sparks14 - Listen to MelodyLane. I've seen her channel Wyatt Earp. You don't want him to make an appearance.
Just be up front, tell her that you know about the affair. Then demand she give it up.
Don't give up how you know. Try hinting that it was OW who gave her up.
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Outing may not be the proper term. I must somehow let my wife know that I have discovered her affair and then provide a plan to end it. Right? EXPOSURE accomplishes this. Your WS made a decision to have an affair. Did she ask you? So 1. You tell your WS that you know that she is having an A. 2. You tell her to end it immediately. WS proves this to you by being transparent in all the things she does. 3. WS establishes No Contact for life with OW. First step is writing NC Letter. If WS doesn't end it. YOU EXPOSE! WS e-mails to OW already tell you that WS is looking for the right time to end it with you. So that marriage ship of yours is sinking. Sometimes you have to take on water to get the hole in the ship out of the water. This allows you to repair the hole. If you do nothing but DOORMAT then you will not fix the leak and your going to the bottom. GLURB! GLURB! GLURB! Making more sense. Thanks, Clark. The ship was a nice touch. Should the conversation be that simple, or can I add the other parts of letting her know the hurt that she has caused and the ability to fix this? I feel like she needs to know that a happy life lives on the other side of this A. If I provide her a pen and piece of paper for the NC letter and she walks out the door to OW, I immediately drop the exposure bomb? Do I wait for her to comeback and say that I had to tell OW in person that it was over? If she begins to walk out the door, do I threaten exposure?
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sparks, let me tell you a little secret. Women do not respect men they can run over and our love is very congingent upon the respect we feel. Your wife needs to see you stand up and fight for your marriage. Your approach is so timid and so complacent that it signals that you don't care very damn much. I don't know what kind of culture has trained you to be so timid, but I assure you that trait will not serve you well in such a tough situation. I will leave you with these words from Dr Harley: From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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sparks, let me tell you a little secret. Women do not respect men they can run over and our love is very congingent upon the respect we feel. Your wife needs to see you stand up and fight for your marriage. Your approach is so timid and so complacent that it signals that you don't care very damn much. I don't know what kind of culture has trained you to be so timid, but I assure you that trait will not serve you well in such a tough situation. I will leave you with these words from Dr Harley: From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers." Thanks, Melody. You are correct. I am generally a sensitive person that provides strength, patience, and understanding. The discovering of this affair has forced me to change my approach it seems. Does anybody have an idea what a no contact letter should look like? Would all of these answers be provided to me if I got the book?
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[q
Making more sense. Thanks, Clark. The ship was a nice touch.
Should the conversation be that simple, or can I add the other parts of letting her know the hurt that she has caused and the ability to fix this? I feel like she needs to know that a happy life lives on the other side of this A. Let her know how very hurt you are by her affair. Demand that she end it and agree to never see the OW again. Tell her that you want to have a romantic, passionate marriage and are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she does certain things, such as end her affair, affair proof your marriage and enter a program of recovery. Tell her you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage. Otherwise, this will end in divorce. If I provide her a pen and piece of paper for the NC letter and she walks out the door to OW, I immediately drop the exposure bomb? Do I wait for her to comeback and say that I had to tell OW in person that it was over? If she begins to walk out the door, do I threaten exposure? If she walks out the door, just say goodbye. Without any warning, drop the exposure bomb after she leaves.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, Melody. You are correct. I am generally a sensitive person that provides strength, patience, and understanding. The discovering of this affair has forced me to change my approach it seems.
Does anybody have an idea what a no contact letter should look like?
? Here you go! My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent here[from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, Melody. You are correct. I am generally a sensitive person that provides strength, patience, and understanding. The discovering of this affair has forced me to change my approach it seems. We are on your side, my friend!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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