No, don't think that way - we've just got the luxury of having a little distance and a less emotional perspective. Sometimes that's a good thing to have and you're too close to her to have that right now.

Hey finding yourself in this situation will make any guy question everything he ever did, and every instinct he ever had. I guarantee it has happened to me and every other man on this board in our shoes. This plays tricks with your mind.

Thats the purpose here. To give you strength you can't raise on your own - no one could.

tomorrow will be a week since i've talked to her...i was thinking about seeing if she wanted to hang out after the weekend for a big...i doubt she'll say yes though...if she says no then what do i do? just continue to see what exposure does if anything?

it seems like i'm the only one trying to save the marriage...it seems to me everyone else including her parents have kind of given up...my family is supporting me, but given her actions are thinking it's most likely all a waste of effort and time and it'll just take me longer to get over all this

Any update on whether the divorce papers were actually real?

In plan A you don't pressure only offer. Ask if she wants to hang out. No harm if she says no, say OK just thought I'd ask.

No love busting, no disrespect. If shes still seeing OM you continue on plan.

Is affair over? Did exposure kill it? Did you ever hear from his parents?

You need to be patient, sometimes this takes time. Keep working the plan, drag heels on divorce.

Divorce papers were real.

Talked to her dad today, she told him that she has stopped seeing OM. I don't believe it. This from a girl that used to respect her parents so much, never lied etc, but she has turned into a different person with the affair, just like so many people here have pointed out.

She also told her parents she wants nothing to do with me, so probably won't be asking her if she wants to hang out just yet. Give it a couple weeks I guess.

Never heard back from his parents. Don't know if they really flew into town to see him. May have all been a lie.

I have no idea if affair is over. There's no real way to know.

Meeting with attorney on friday. Will ask him to delay as much as he can and will also be counterfiling on grounds of adultery as suggested here.

Given that she wants nothing to do with me right now (i emailed her a couple days ago and she hasn't replied), I was thinking of having no contact with her for the next four weeks and then her bday will come up...and then seeing if she wants to go out.. what do you guys think?

If your gunna plan B then be in plan B and stay dark...even if it is her bday

abc, I would send her a nice email every so often with something like "just thinking about you." I think you should invite her out on her birthday, but also look for other opportunties for contact.

@abc098 -

Follow Melody's advice. Look for opportunities.

Your WW is probably like 99 out of 100 WW. She is a cake eater. What this means is that she has been enjoying OM meeting some of her ENs and you meeting her ENs.

She has not gone cold turkey from letting OM meet her ENs, unless OM has broken it off with WW.

In either case you are ready for using Plan A.

Do you know what the four Intimate Needs are?

What are your top 5 ENs?

What are WW top 5 ENs?

If you don't know the answers then start reading up.

Her top 3 ENs are
1) affection - ain't happening from me obviously
2) admiration
3) recreational companionship

i guess if i had to pick a 4 and a 5 it'd be domestic support and then maybe conversation or vice versa

maybe i should just give her that questionnaire...what do u think?

I couldn't find info on the four intimate needs..could someone provide a link

thanks

ABC,

The very harsh reality is that you have no leverage with your WW since you have no kids. There is no "family" to save. There is nothing to negotiate other than the few assets left to split up.

SH acknowledges that there is little chance of saving a marriage when no kids are involved and one of the parties has moved out.

By no means should you give up if you don't want to, but I simply wish to illustrate the very ugly reality you're facing.

I think you should follow Melody's advice of an email once in a while, but you have a woman that has emotionally checked out and who really has little to know motivation to return to you to restore something that really hasn't lasted very long. To her, there's new and exciting men out there for her to meet and you're not it. She's single in her mind.

I'm in no way justifying what she is doing. I'm just trying to illustrate the nasty reality.

I'd give SH a call and see what he advises. He's always willing to help a BS out.

I firmly believe that trying is a process which eventually leads to acceptance for guys trying to save a short marriage with no kids. The reality eventually sinks in.

You're in the denial stage of grief right now. Is there hope? Perhaps. Eventually. Down the road. She may find the dating world tough and remember the husband she once had who treated her well.

I don't say any of this as criticism. I think it's good you wish to try. I only wish to throw my two cents, based on what I've seen on these boards over the years.

We're here for you to help process that grief and to offer advice on ways you can attempt to save things.

I realize it's 99.9% over...everyone else (my family and friends, her family and friends) knows its 100% over...but i just don't want any regrets down the line of not trying..i'm slowly moving on, instead of crying 10 times a day, i'm only doing it once every few days, i know life will go on without her...plus I'm learning either way so i guess that's good

I may think about giving SH a call, but I'm assuming he's gonna give the same advice you all have been...

He may give similar advice, but it's still nice to talk to someone. It just makes you feel better sometimes....

emailed her the emotional needs questionnaire...see if she gets back to me

Met with lawyer today...said he can get the divorce extended for 4-5 months..

Also asked about alienation of affection suit and lawyer stated he would need a 5000 retainer...don't think i'm gonna do it...plus i don't know if it would actually get him to leave wife alone

I don't hear the fat lady yet, so chin up.

Whats the latest news on effect of exposure?

WHat else have you done to improve yourself in plan a?

Lots still to do...

Do as Reynolds said to do. Work on yourself and what's the outcome of the exposure?

Fwiw, I ended up divorcing my unrepentant xwh. It was what had to be done, but knowing I did 100 percent of all I could do and more, gave my soul peace. Plus I owed my child and family doing just that. Believe it or not, your ww needs you to do that.

In the end, when you give your all, you have peace with either outcome. It's good. If you D, then you move on with NO regrets. If you heal with your ws, then you move on and have a healed marriage.

Either outcome ain't bad imho. I used all the knowledge I gained from MB and it helped me become the re-vamped me I am today. After being single half a decade, I ended up meeting the right guy and our M is based on the right stuff! MB was the best!

No news from exposure really. All I know is that the affair was referred to some other office at their work for investigation.

Just remembered she has a cousin who's husband had an affair so I'm gonna contact her for some possible advice/help.

As far as working on myself, I have read marriage builders nonstop learning about the love bank, emotional needs, love busters etc. Made it to the gym for the first time since all this started last week. Was difficult, had to come back home after 15 minutes.

Since wife has decided on radio silence with me, I'm writing emails every 3 days with some words of admiration or affection as I believe these are high on her emotional needs. Once every week or so, I'll see if she wants to hang out. If still no response after a month, then I'll have to reassess I guess.

I dont think I've ever looked at any website as much as I do this one. I'm on at least twice an hour looking for additional responses. Somehow it just makes me feel better...

I've been on here for 5 years, despite what my name says. Long story. But I've gone from miserable to doing just fine.