If you decide to go to the services against Neak's advice, you may choose to leave at any time.

I urge you to make your condolences known to the family, then leave early.
Take a friend with you.
Go out to lunch.

Well, it's been a 'long' day to say the least.

I will compact as much as possible:

Went to viewing only. My friend(who was 48 a year older than me)looked beautiful. Fortunatley I was first in-first out, no WH there. However, my friends' brother and his SO are responsible for helping hide the A(WH & OW would meet at their house and spent week-end there), so that was REALLY awkward and strange.

Spent the day taping off livingroom & moving furniture(how many dust bunnies can one have under a couch!). Going to paint it a nice neutral sand color. Was going to meet some people from work but it started snowing so I was waiting to see what the weather was going to be like.

In throught the garage door walks WH! He was comming to take boys for wings. Boys never told me. It was very awkward and strange too. Like he was a stranger visiting my home. Just someone to pick up the kids. I'm sure you all know the feeling. The conversation felt pushed and small talky chit chat like you make with someone in the grocery store line. Weird. I guess I'll have to slip into darkness tonight, again.

Conversation turned to him telling me he was sorry and he has been feeling very guilty(Thank you God for prayers answered). Then he said he's been feeling so bad he still hasn't read letter. LIAR!

I turned the conversation back to this-and-that talk. WH acting all excited about apartment, he hung his dear mount on his livingroom wall, he got some furniture(from OW, but he doesn't know I know this)and got a working t.v., oh my goodness...

Told him that was great, especially since DS2 will be spending next week-end with him. WHAT? WH has made plans for next week-end(he is off fri, sat, sun & mon). Told him too bad, this is what seperated people do, they share their children. WH wanted to know why it had to be his long weekend why not some other week-end. Really WH? Because you cannot have your DS2 sitting in your apartment all day with nothing to do while you are work. Some other words...talk...WH didn't even say good-bye...stomped out garage door and off with the boys.

DSs told me WH wanted them to come see his new apartment. They BOTH told him no thank you. I love my boys.

I think you all were right about him reading the PB letter. Denial. Don't read it, it doesn't exist, don't have to take any action.

Sending it to him in e-mail. He is on grave shift, I KNOW he goes on computer because he doesn't have one at home. No excuses now WH.
What will he use? He accidently deleted it? Whatever.

I know I shouldn't care about him reading or not reading the PB letter, but I do. I poured my heart and soul into that letter. The least he can do is read the thing.

I can honestly say that seeing him didn't do anything for me. Maybe it's the meds but I didn't feel anything. He is like a stranger to me. I really don't know the man. I didn't feel love or hate. Indifference is what I felt.

Forgot this. WH & OW saw me doing a drive by! I just shrugged it off(but boy was I embarrased inside). I deffinately will NOT be doing any drives by again!

Good, no more drive-bys - they have no place in Plan B.

If you haven't already, DO NOT email him the PBL. You are not his mommy, and it's not your responsibility to make sure he reads it. That is just one more C in a Plan B that needs to be much, much darker.

Being caught off guard by his sudden appearance, I can understand that you handled it the best you could. Next time, be ready, knowing that he is going to do this again.

WH, suddenly appearing: I am here to pick up [the boys, my potted plant, my pedicure set...]
Mitzie: Have you decided to end all C with the OW for life, and get professional help for your alcoholism?
WH: I can't believe you're still harping on that stuff!!!!
Mitzie: I'm sorry, we have nothing to talk about at this point. Please send word to me when you change your mind.

Then go inside and lock the door, leave, do whatever you have to do to get away WITHOUT re-engaging in the conversation.

Be prepared, and he won't be able to catch you by surprise again.

{{{{{{{{{Mitzie}}}}}}}}} You handled your friend's death as well as anyone could.

Change the locks.
Change the garage opener code.

My condolences to you Mitzie on the loss of you friend. I hope your doing ok.

It sounds like you are way past the proactive contact of your WH, now you need to be prepared for the much tougher part of PLan B, the reactive contact (you can't control it they keep contacting you). For me this is the toughter part. How about you?

Get the locks changed for sure and have your 'lines' ready when he turns up.

Listen to me the expert.

Goodmorning!

Herein lies my problem. I was 'lead to beleive'(should always listen to my gut) that OWs mother knew WH was still married.

I now beleive otherwise. OWs mother may have been told WH is divorces or is almost done getting one.

I guess OW was boo-hooing to her mama about WH not having this or not having that because big-ole-ex took everything! That's how she's manipulating her mother into giving her money!

My question is: since this A has been going on since October, 3 months already, is it too late to call OWs mother and expose?
When does it cross over from exposer to vindictiveness?

I would simply call the woman and explain the facts: EXAMPLE: He is not divorced. We have not filed for divorce. We have no future date set up to file for divorce. He is married, we have two children, he has adult child from prev. relationship and has two grandchildren. I want to save this marriage but am finding it difficult when your daughter is in an adulterous relationship with him...

What do you all think? Too late for exposure? Is it vindictiveness on my part now?

I would call either she knows or will know once you have finished. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by telling her.

I think ~~~> PlanB- 1/1/2011

I am always so confused when people ask questions like this because I don't understand what being "vindictive" has to do with it. Shouldn't the decision to act be based on the merits of the exposure? You have good reason to expose the affair to the OW's mother and should do it. I don't understand the question about vindictiveness so I can't address that.

But yes, you should expose to the OW's mother and anyone else who might be influential.

Hi Mitzie

Definetly expose, its never too late as long as you are still married.

What is vindictive about exposing this nasty affair for what it is? Do you think OW thought about that when she got involved with your H?

Consequences suck for OW and WH but too bad.

It will cause more chaos in affair land. Let us know how you get on.

Your doing great, love the fact you keep your sense of humour...:)

Hey MITZIE

i EXPOSED/REEXPOSED recently when as another member on the board put it "Manna from Heaven" fell on my lap. Didn't feel one bit vindictive-JUST GETTING THE TRUTH OUT THERE.

Deep down you know what your plan is and you are doing a great job following it.

Read your whole thread last night. You are so bleesed with the good help and advice you are getting from posters here.

nESRE

Mitzie, definitely expose and then go back to a seriously pitch black Plan B because you know once you expose to her, you WILL hear about it if you don't have your Plan B gates locked tight.

Don't worry about the fallout from exposing to OW mom's, not your problem. In fact, you should never hear about the fallout until and unless your WH meets your Plan B terms and you begin to recover your marriage.

Don't expose if your motive is only to get a reaction. Be honest with yourself about your reasons. You can't play around with Plan B, it will mess you up.

(((Mitzie))) I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

I need to add this-

I am not currently in PLB. I would not go out of my way SINCE YOU ARE IN PLAN B to expose to OW's Mother. Remember PLB is for you.

Should the opportunity present itself at some point in the future I would not be shy to let her know the truth.

FOR ME it would be a shot and see if something hit. In other words do I or will I get a reaction.

JMHO should WH hear of it I think it gives him the shot of "Mitzie still cares/ Mitzie is still tyring". Not Plan B stuff at all.

nESRE

Just Be Still



Good read

nESRE

I re-exposed even during my d. It was good imho getting the truth out there.

I don't think it's a bad thing to do. Just remember in plan B, you could care less of the fallout. It's for the OW to have to deal with, not Mitzie.

Keep on being strong girl! Let the ws and ow deal with how to respond to THE TRUTH and the ugliness of their actions.

The advantage of any exposure done during Plan B is that you have protection in place to guard you from the fallout.

This is not aimed at you, but at readers who may learn from this: never assume that important people in your, WS's, or OP's circle already know about the A. Expose to everyone at once, even if you're pretty sure they've heard. Get the truth out there as early as possible, to as many influential people as possible.

Mitzie, since you're basically doing a retrofit, I would advise you to do the exposure, BUT with the very clear goal of staying dark. Don't leave yourself vulnerable to an ambush by WH. Determinedly resist your mind's efforts to be drawn back into the chaos, or to worry about how this will be received.

Do it, and move on. Don't dwell on it for even two seconds once you finish.

BINGO!! Awesome post, Neak. Exposure in Plan B is fabulous because you don't have to deal with the fallout. The infidels have only each other to lovebust!

Thank you all so much for your condolences. They mean a lot. She was a great lady and will be missed.

@ Nerse
The 'Just Be Still' was wonderful. Mom would say ALL THE TIME "just be still Mitzie" but in a very calm reasuring tone. I carry that with me now. Say it at least a thousand times a day to myself. But I always ask myself why. Why be still? Shouldnt' I be taking action? God gives us answers in the most unusual places at the most unusual times.

I was waiting to see what everyone had to say about the exposure. I really don't want to seem vindictive,not to 'them' I really don't care what 'they' think, in the sense that the woman just lost her husband a month ago and why upset her more.

However... that being said...I really think for my own peace of mind, I have got to tell the woman. I hate liars. I hate people that
deceive. I hate people who manipulate and I especially hate people who lie and decieve and manipulate their own mothers! My mother has been gone ten years now and what I wouldn't give to have her back. When a person treats a parent with such disrespect they don't deserve any respect in return, from ANYONE.

I found an article on the 'net that was written by a psycologist about the 'journey' of a WS. It basically said that there are certain 'stages' a WS goes through before, during and after an A. If a WS is allowed, or condoned during any of those stages they get stuck in that stage for as long as they are permitted to do so. I do not condone what my WH is doing therefore, let the chips fall as they will.

Right now I really don't know if I even want WH back. Maybe it's because he's an alcoholic who is probably using drugs and I don't want him around the kids. My home is much more peaceful(well, with a moody 18 year old that thinks he is the 'man of the house' now and knows everything about everything...a little more peaceful, lol), there isn't that 'depressed' feeling that hung in the air all the time. We are setteling in to our routines well. We speak openly and honestly about "DAD" and what's going on.(I don't tell them my opinion of course but they are allowed to express theirs). It's a different life now. A much calmer life. I kinda like it.

I am going to call this evening from work. For some reason I feel much more confident at work than I do at home. Pray I can get the words out in the right way as quickly and to the point as possible.

By jove, I think she's got it!

Finally got the nerve to call last night.

It ended up the wrong number. Apparently numbers on the internet are not up to date?

I don't know if I should send a letter or think that was divine intervention, just let them self destruct. Stay in Dark B.

WH did come by home yesterday, DS1 & DS2 told me. He came to get his rifles. I didn't want them in the house and told him last week when he came to take boys for dinner. WH owes me money for paying the car insurance this month. I thought he might have dropped that off too. No such luck. I'm sure I'll never see that money...

Neighbor called me this morning. Told me the other neighbor down the road (WHs good/best buddy)told her how much WH had to pay me each month!! WH is playing the "poor (literally) me" card. He had to tell the biggest mouth in the neighborhood! Of course he did, he wants everyone to feel sorry for him and make me out to be the 'bad' greedy wife. The nerve of some people!

Guess he's gonna find out how much it really costs to keep a wh*re happy. It'll be more than a couple quid (for you Harmony :))a month I'm sure.