Atena - you are trying to make sense out of nonsense. It's never going to work.

From what you have posted, your WH is a serial cheater who enjoys the lifestyle of having a wife *and* girlfriends. Like me, you refused to go along with that, so like me you ended up getting fired.

Now he's found a new employee who is easy and undemanding - someone he can manipulate much more easily because she will put up with almost anything to keep a man in her life. She will settle for part-time where you would not, and that's why he's with her.

He will be cheating on her soon, if he isn't already, but she will put up with it where someone with self-respect would not.

Again: Stop trying to make sense out of this. He wanted a woman who would put up with a part-time marriage, one he could bribe with money and gifts to keep quiet and look the other way and not ask him any questions. She knows how it works because she was on the other side of it.

THAT is why he is with her and not with you - and you and your son will be much better off for it.

P.S. The Harleys, and the people here, can only tell you what "usually" happens in these cases and what people "most often" do when involved in affairs. There are no iron-clad guarantees about any of it. I know that's what you want, but I am sorry - there are no guarantees and no 100% reliable predictors of what someone will or will not do.

Your WH does not sound like a man who was faithful until he just allowed himself to become addicted to one other person, in a way that was totally out of character for him. THAT is what the statistics refer to when predicting what this person will or will not do.

Your WH sounds like a hardcore serial cheater who simply enjoys that lifestyle. There is nothing anyone can do about that. If it becomes more painful to him to be a cheater than it is to be an honest married man, he'll stop - but I don't see any signs of pain here.

This has NOTHING to do with "love", Atena, except for your husband's selfish love for himself. It really has nothing to do with you. HE WOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO ANYONE HE WAS MARRIED TO, IF THEY DEMANDED FIDELITY OF HIM.

Capice?

Blessings....

I understand what you are experiencing since I work with both XH and PP slime. So I can say to you this, you CAN'T understand the craziness, the waywardness, the disrespect, the sleaziness because we do not have a wayward mind.

Your case is no different than anyone here. Why would you believe their's to be a love affair and other waywards to just be in a fog?

This is a process and it is not for sissies. He is not the man you married. Plain and simple. My moments (and they are only moments now) are when I am the only one to remember my real H. As long as he is with PP that man is gone.

I ran into a girl in the gym that got divorced 2 months ago. Her XH was a wayward. She broke up with him over 2 years ago. OW, drinking, horrible to her and daughter. She took care of herself and her daughter. Well seems that XH is begging to come home. Full of remorse, full of shame. She has raised the bar and he is trying to achieve her demands. She will not accept anything less than what she deserves.

This was a marriage that you would say was unrecoverable. You never know and I am amazed when i see a miracle unfolding before my eyes.

Don't over think about his A. Be glad if he moves in with OW and children and give him a dose of reality. The day my XH got married to PP, I thought this is the beginning of the end. When will the end be? I don't know and I don't guss.

I am too busy making a life for myself and DD.

Stay strong. blessings.

Capisco....I understand. Thank you Mulan, this is a helpful reminder. He would have cheated on anyone he married. I am pretty sure about that too, he just is geared that way.And yes, OW is totally a doormat. SHe will do anything to keep a man, she will do what he wants and accommodate his needs.
Plus my WH now is utterly alone. He has very few friends and fills his time spending it with OW because he has NO ONE else for now.
He might not cheat on her yet just because it is not so easy to find a woman who would put up with someone who is uncommitted and messed up like my WH is.
Only someone equally messed up and with very low self esteem can put up with him as he is right now.
It is sufficient to say that if he tells any sensible woman he only spent 3 hours with his son during the xmas holidays...her eyebrows will curl up...


Mulan, this "non capisco" I do not understand the above...


Hope, thank you. I know miracles happen every day, but I do not see it happening for me the way my WH has been for the past 7 or 8 years...I can say it would take a very strong miracle to wake him up and having him beg me to return....but you never know!
And yes, if they move in together it is the beginning of the end....and I am pretty sure she is pressuring him to do so. The pressure had to come at some point or the other and it is beginning to make itself known...I am pretty sure.

I would take my WH back if he showed any sign of repentance. i am not ashamed to say so, but as he is now he would not repent, not for a long long while.
Thank you so much for everything!!!

Blessing

Hi all,
please pray for me and keep your fingers crossed as we might have an offer on the house!!!
I am not 100% sure yet but it looks promising.

Yesterday while I was getting calls from the real estate agent I had to contact WH in a hurry to set up the selling price. so I could not use the IM's help even if I included her in my direct email to WH (IM is 7 hours behind me she is in the states).
Unfortunately since I used one of the correspondence done with the IM to include the IM in the message I also emailed WH past trails of emails between me and the IM which included my comments on WH not caring about son, on OW who might pretty soon put pressure on WH, on me taking sleeping pills and still missing WH...and wanting him back!!!
I realized what happened as soon as I sent it...so what I did I immediately sent a second email asking WH to disregard the previous and I noticed that he replied using the non-trailed email...so he might not have read all the extra info. He also added on his message that he was in a hurry as he had to catch a bus.

All and all WH does not seem to care much about the sale of the house. He seems to agree to whatever I suggest.
Real estate agent said he is mostly unavailable when she tries to reach him on the phone and he told her he is busy with other things and cannot be reached during in late afternoon and early evenings.
That is when he spends time with OW. Is it possible that this A absorbs him to the point of not caring about selling the house or delaying a sale?
How addictive can this be? The A will be 3 years old in March. He is in the fog more than ever...do you guys think he is seriously sick?

Thank you for listening!!!
Blessing

Atena,
I have my fingers crossed for you with the house sale. Don't worry about your husband's response, try to get the best deal for you and look at it as a positive step to your new life..........
I think your husband is deep into the affair and that you should not waste any time on worrying about what he is doing, it's time you worried more about you and your life and happiness, let the obsession with what he is doing and with whom go......
He doesn't deserve your loyality or your optimistim that he will come to his senses..
You stay strong and I would suggest you say Yes to everything and anything within reason of course and see where life ends up...........many great people and places out there to meet and see.........
prayers..........jessi

you are right, Jessi, all he cares about is her. The obsession is obvious and I have done all I could and now is time to look at the reality and see that he is not worth my tears and my time.

I am willing to take whatever is reasonable and move on. Getting out of this place will be a huge relief and stepping stone towards a new life.

His coldness, cruelty and carelessness about his family, son and now his finances is really out of the norm. It shows he is in deep fog and soul-less.
It is easy for him to be happy and free since he has only one thing to do. Spend time with OW and all the rest is a bother to avoid or to deal with in the most distant and quick way possible.

Blessing

Atena,

You know what the best revenge is to live a life better than the one you had with him. Like I said he doesn't deserve you but there is someone great waiting for a wonderful, faithful woman to share a life with........
If you would only just say "Yes" to life and see where that leads you........starting new, fresh with a new attitude is the goal for you in 2011.
I look forward to hearing the new life for the new year for the new atena.......
(hugs)

The sale of the house looks really good.
Yesterday I went to the real estate agency to ask a few questions details etc... THe head of the real estate agency is a BW! I gave her some MB tips, she said it helped to talk with me!
The agent said that she will make my WH work hard now as there are lots of other details (very tedious and boring) that need to be done and she will make sure he does them and pays for them!!
She also said she knows "my" OW as she came to the agency right before Xmas to get an appraisal on her house!!! So she might sell too and they might buy something together... WOW, that would be equal to my WH digging his own grave and shooting himself....good for them!
Even if she moved, I m glad I am selling the place.
Agent also said that OW told her how lonely and sick she is and how violent her XH was, and how so alone she is in the world with all her problems and her poor kids whose father is crazy!! OW whines a lot and with everybody and most of all...lies.
I am beggining to see the extent of the piece of trash WH got for himself.

Blessing

Can someone tell me why people do not get plan B? or better the idea that I will never talk to WH again.
When I say that I will never talk to him again(after, of course the question: when are you finally going to talk to WH again?) people react by saying that being an angry person is not healthy for me. I am not angry at WH, I am just hopeless that he will change. But people seem to judge anger worse than they judge infidelity.
By the way....even if I were to be angry at him, would that not be justified given what he has done?

I guess I do not give a rat's behind about what people think, however it is puzzling how our society is quick to dismiss infidelity and quick at telling you "grow up and act accordingly"...when they have no clue what A do to a M and a family!!!!!!!
Blessing

Atena,
The whole world has lost an important part of life, morals, commitment, loyality. I think those things to a lot of people are gone in today's world.........
It's okay to be angry and hurt by what has happened to your life......and if people can't understand that what difference does that make, let them walk a mile in your shoes and see if they didn't feel exactly like you do......
I think that once you sell your house and start over with your new life, people will see you respect yourself and that you aren't hanging on to a man that doesn't deserve you........
I'm keeping my fingers crossed, look at this as a new start, and if your husband drives his life into the ditch then let him, he deserves to understand how selfish decisions can ruin even his life.........time will tell, living a better life than the one you had with him is the best revenge.............work towards that goal, you will look back one day and wonder why you gave so much of your life to this situation.......
keep your chin up girl..............

So true. I will be much better off when I am out of there.
I am actually starting to feel much better just knowing that there is a strong possibility I will be moving.
All of a sudden I feel much much less for WH, almost nothing really.
I had lunch with a friend this week end. She is a therapist and said she think my WH is nacissistic with very little hope, if any, of changing.
I see it as if he is sick, with an illness that is chronic and progressive with no hope for a cure or getting better.
Thinking of it that way makes perfect sense to me and has helped me to let go.

Blessing

Good for you............ look how strong you are now, you have grown and that will just keep on going until your life will be just the way you want it.

Happy with you and who you let in your life, people that don't want to hurt you, people that will enjoy your company and rejoice in your life............

Where are you thinking of moving, have you given it any thought yet?
happy for atena,

Atena,
It does help to see WH as being sick with a chronic illness. One that we as BS will never understand. In my case it's not just the A or the fact that I do beleive he has a type of personality disorder but he is an alcoholic as well.

I stopped at my church and lit a candle and prayed. I put everything in God's hands. My life, my WHs life, my children' lives, the A, his alcoholism, all of it. I can really do no more than that. Beleive that God has a plan for each of us, we cannot dictate or override that plan. I don't want to get too preachy so I'll stop.

Just know Atena that where ever you go God's watching out for you.

good news first...99% that the house is sold!!! The buyers will have to sign some stuff and then apply for a loan and in a couple of months we should be able to close...
In the meantime, today, when I was walking out of my place OW was coming up the stairs (I saw the scene from my steps as I was walking down) and she had heavy bags to carry so she rang her door bell for her daughter to open and guess who opened instead? My WH!!!! He was there and he surprized her so she gave a shrill of joy that was revolting to hear. I almost vomited! He kissed her and she was soo overjoyed, they closed the door and I hear laughter and kisses....
They did not see me, or maybe he did but she did not....
The A is getting better and better and they are more and more in love....how is this possible?
I know I should not ask myself these questions but can't he see what a ho she is????
He also does not care now but comes right to her place...I guess they will soon move in together once I get out.
I am so sick now.
Thank you for listening!!!!
Thank God for this forum!
blessing

WOW Atena, this is such good news. You are such an inspiration you know!! You have made me think real serious about getting my house on the market.

Good for you.

PS. Miss calling you Antena.

Still, what my WH is doing....hurts

Blessing

Yes I am sure it does.

HOWEVER

There is a new life waiting for you out there.

With men who DON'T cheat.

Who love and stand by you.

Who appreciate you for what you are.

You deserve this Atena.

I just saw my Dad pass, it reminds me that life is short, and you have wasted so much time on this man.

Go have some fun, get the divorce filed and open your life up to what is out there waiting for you.

Time to take care of YOU.

Thank you Harmony.
I did dedicate too much time to this man, yes. I just need to move out of here and spare myself the pain of seeing how low he can go and how much his wayward lifestyle has brought him to be fully into his current addiction (the A).
It is actually revolting to see a 50 year old man come to a place he used to live with his wife and son and then enter a different apartment. this is done with total indifference..and with a stone face.
Blessing

Amen!!!!!!
It will hurt for a long time, but will continue to lesson. I am beginning to learn that the baby steps forward is a healing process itself. I believe that there is something better for all of us - and that is WH's loss.
Sounds like your are starting to take those steps.
Hugs and prayers