(((H&G))) Hang in there sweetie. Now you know why it is so important to avoid ALL contact during Plan B. It sets your clock back to almost zero. Contact puts you in danger of losing the remaining love you have for your WH. If it keeps up, you will end up hating your WH. Plan B helps YOU begin to heal, and decide how to carry on your life in the future.

I thought I had really messed up, but I'm feeling a tad better about it. My sister pointed out to me that if WH didn't want to see me, he would have stayed in his truck and sent DS to get the mail. She thinks he's missing talking to me both in person or on the phone. Since DS wants little to do with him and the other kids are civil but curt with him, he's experiencing the loneliness that divorce will bring him. Let's see the cOW meet all of his needs now. I won't try to see him again--I don't want him to get any sort of a fix from seeing me.

You better be shaking in your boots, young lady! I'm now a lean, mean fightin' machine!

I'm hanging in there, princessmeggy. Now I do understand why it's so important to have a DARK Plan B--I think I set the effectiveness back to 11 days ago (the last time I spoke to WH.) I won't do it again.

I did some retail therapy today. I'm now in a size 10; before I was wearing 2X! I really can't complain about the infidelity diet, though I've helped it out with Atkins the past 2 months. I weigh about 20 lbs. more now than I did when I got married 32 years ago. I hope to get back to that number by May.

I also got my hair cut. I'm looking great, except for the turkey wattle that has appeared under my chin in the past week. WTH! I've never had one before and I don't really want one now. I've always thought women who have facelifts (like Joan Rivers) are whack-jobs, but I'm seriously considering it if it doesn't rebound somewhat. My doctor says it will, but my luck hasn't been great lately. (understatement!!!!)

Wondering why WH called our home number and let it ring one time before hanging up...

I would not have answered.

DS was asleep--maybe WH realized that DS wouldn't answer because he probably was still asleep?

I need something to do besides mulling this over for the past hour. Housework, here I come.

Quit wondering. He simply wants his ema validated right now by the kids. He hopes if he is around them enough eventually the shock of his audacious and immoral behavior will become tolerable.

That is also part of the ws handbook. My xwh even went so far as to immediately marry his ow after our divorce, and pretend it wasn't a big deal and just had my little boy over there, around the ow/w like it wasn't a problem. It was.

If your kids don't want to see the ws that was once their dad, then if they're above that age the courts say is the magic age for a child to decide what to do (in our state the magic number floats between 12-15), then they shouldn't have to be around the adulterer. My ds is 12, I have custody, and he does not at all wish to see his wayward dad.

Your wh might also have called out of habit or try to see if he could get you to talk. Another ploy out of the crazy ws handbook is to try to befriend the bs. Yep. Be "friends". Make you accept their behaviors also, because it does two things:
1)it makes their affair become ok with everybody and
2)it makes their conscience less troubled and their soul less bound.

In the wayward mind, if they can just get all parties involved in the affair ok with things it's ok.

My xwh used to call our divorce a "transition". The man never even used the word divorce. Transition sounded less harmful and benign. He tried to sugarcoat and gloss everything over with a fresh coat of lies and smoke and mirrors.

This is why you do a dark dark plan B. To protect yourself from these selfish lies and further abuse. He will have an end to his ema with skankyhola. It's destined to end. That is one thing which is 100 percent usually clear. Even the ones like with my xh which resulted in an affair-age. They're divorcing.

So Hopeandgrace stays good no matter what the foggy wh does. Odds are he'll wake up soon enough. And that's when things become so uncomfortable for them in the rats'nest he shares with skankyhola, knowing she cannot alone fulfill his en's. Eventually the Ws will wake up.

The power is yours. Will you want him when he does wake up and smell the coffee? Keep the power. Keep your sanity. Stay dark! And if the kids don't wanna see him? So what. If they're old enough let it be their call.

Peachy, thanks for the long and insightful reply. My WS has said before that he wants us to be able to remain friends. So not gonna happen!

I'm at the point where I want to email him and tell him that the minute the divorce is final I'll be moving on, dating and looking for the man I deserve.

I won't send that email, but I'm so tempted to do so. Today I'm feeling more rage and less love than I have in a while. I don't know it that's good or bad, it just is what it is.

I found out late last night from DS that he and WH will be going to visit at my younger DD's house next weekend. And my older DD will be there as well. Younger DD invited WS and he wants to take DS along. DS agreed because it will be a chance to see his sisters.

I feel betrayed, again, and I'm ashamed that I do. I know my younger DD, in particular, has really been hurting because of what her father has done. Maybe it's a natural thing to want to see him, but he does not need any reinforcement that what he's doing is acceptable. I'm afraid that's exactly how he'll feel. I want to speak to my DDs about it, but I don't want them to sense that I feel betrayed.

Any advice?

Just spoke to my father-in-law. He told me I should agree to an amicable divorce or I might end things for all time with WH. What the heck? If we get divorced, then I do believe that WH and I will be over for all time. I'm supposed to roll over and wait for a belly scratch?

I love my FiL but this is stupid. I didn't file for divorce, his son did. I don't want a divorce, but I'm compelled to answer and file a counter-complaint. I'm being railroaded into a divorce, but he wants me to BE NICE?!?

I'm just shaking my head.

Your FIL is probably well-intentioned but uninformed. He's like most of society who takes the attitude, "[censored] happens, just get over it and be friends for your children's sake." Buzzzzzzz. Wrong answer. Why would you be friends with someone who has betrayed you in the worst way? I don't know about you, but I don't need friends like that in my life.

Of course you want to answer and counter-file. You're the sane parent here. You NEED to protect your marital assets and insure that you and your children are provided for in every aspect. To agree to an amicable divorce? Why?

Rolling over teaches the children that what their dad has done is okay. It's not. They may be able to try and mend the relationship with their dad and go on about their lives but sooner or later, this will hit them HARD as adults. Heck, it may begin a cycle that he will have to answer to in the end. Sins of the father...

They will look back and see how their mom tried everything possible to restore the marriage and in the end, if it didn't work out, that she refused to allow someone that betrayed them so badly to remain in her life. This is a HEALTHY thing. What's unhealthy is to become bitter, angry and cold about it and teach your children that ALL men do this. That's the beauty of Plan B, although you are sad beyond words, you WILL get better.

Plan B allows you to focus on YOU and figure out what and how to go on (whether it's divorce or reconciliation).

(((H&G)))

My thoughts on the kids and your FIL.

The kids. Let them just do what they do without showing your discomfort. Smile when they smile. Offer arms for hugs when they need comfort. This is tough on them and they need to work out their own issues with dad. You are no longer a referee in the ring. You protect their interests as best as you can but step back from any commentary. Show them you are one amazing mom.

The FIL. He still thinks his son is the man of the house in charge. Don't tell FIL....but......nope. You are in charge now. Be kind to FIL and do not try to explain what you are doing. Listen and say non committal stuff like "I see what you're saying. I can see why you'd think that. Etc."

In plan B, if you are willing to follow it through.....you just do not engage. In the divorce you have your attorney respond to WH's attorney and stay out of the fray. Totally.

Bingo! He did say he would also speak to his son. Not that that will do any good...

I explained to Fil that I must answer and counter in order to preserve my rights. I think he finally began to understand, at least a little bit, by the end. Still, the entire conversation was very upsetting for me. I don't want a divorce.

It's already rocked their worlds. My older three range in age from 25 to 30. They are still in shock about it all; they know I'm trying to save my marriage.

A very dear friend cautioned me about becoming bitter. I'm trying not to--I pray for acceptance and to be able to forgive WH, no matter what the outcome. I'm getting there. Thanks for the post, princessmeggy. It's been calming and reassuring--just what I needed.

Reading, you are so wise and your wisdom even applies to my three adult kids. I'll do it this way.

Okay, I'm going to write these down. I told FiL that I was forced to answer and file a counter suit. He didn't know that. I also told him that if his son would drop his complaint, I'd drop mine. Maybe he'll tell his son that. Maybe.

I was tempted to call WH tonight after speaking to his dad, but I didn't. I couldn't see what it would accomplish that I hadn't already tried to say or do with WH. I'm content to wait for the affair to end and take it from there. My attorney gets some credit for my maintaining Plan B--he said to stop emailing him or talking to him. Okay, lawyer's orders.

Thanks!

And what are we? Chopped liver? J/K

I love your lawyer.

No, not chopped liver, princessmeggy! I did chuckle at your response, though.

I'm in Plan B (finally) because of the combined urging of many of you. My lawyer is just another clarion voice to add to everyone from MB. And my counselor. And my sister....

Everyone I know sees the benefits of what I'm doing. And now I do to.

I should have done it in November.

H&G:

Some interesting stuff going on for you.

WH is trying to "normalize" the process. I like how Peachy said that her WH called it "transition" instead of Divorce.

Always, Always, call it what it is. Divorce, Adultery, Other Woman when confronted with the discussion with other people, (i. e. FIL, MIL, friends, etc)

If they say "No, its xxx, not Divorce!" then just look them in the eye and repeat: No sugar coating, its DIVORCE"

About your WH going to your youngest DD's house next weekend. You can not prevent this, you can not control this, now or even in the future. He is still thier Father, and possibly the Grandfather (I can't remember in your sitch if you are blessed with GC or not...) So, if she invites him to visit, then there is nothing you can do.

They may want him to come by so they may blast him for his bad behavior... We can always hope.

As much as we want to cast wayward spouses as pariah around here, in the real world, everyone just "accepts" after awhile. Life goes on. That is why your friend said not to get "bitter".

Stupid suggestion that. You are "bitter" because somone has HARMED you. And seems unconcerned about that harm. That IS something to be bitter about. Although, not for long. I will not set any guideline for you to pass through this, it will be at the pace you need to go. MB is about working on yourself, and moving that pace as quilckly as you are willing. Recovery on you is the important part. Recovery of the marriage is gravy.

(((H&G)))

LG

Thanks for the comments, LG.

I don't want to become a bitter old lady. I've got issues with what he's done, no doubt, but I want to move on with some grace. If the divorce becomes final, I will not ever take him back (I have my pride). If he comes back before the divorce is final, then we'll see.

I'm wondering (a useless exercise, I know) if WS told his dad that I have refused to file jointly on our tax return. It will cost WH thousands if I don't but that doesn't bother me. It is the future he said he wanted when he filed for divorce. There's no time like the present to prepare for the future.

H&G:

This line:[quote=H&G]I'm wondering (a useless exercise, I know) if WS told his dad that I have refused to file jointly on our tax return.{/quote]

Should be told to your WH by YOU. Don't count on others to carry that message to him.

Do not break Plan B. So how do you tell him? Through your lawyer, or other communication that is impersonal...

LG

LG, WH knows I won't file jointly with him. I told him the week I found out he's divorcing me. He's convinced I'm doing this to punish him, but I just can't find it in my heart to do something for someone who has so callously hurt me. It's like Scotty's tagline says, "My give a damn is broken."

I still don't understand what prompted my FiL to call except as I speculated or perhaps just because he and my MiL are so torn up about what their son is doing to me.

I hate all of this. I signed my Answer and Counter-Complaint tonight. If I hadn't, I'd be divorced next week. It's as if WH has pushed a rock from the top of a mountain when he filed for divorce. The rock of divorce is bouncing down the mountain and gaining momentum every minute. I'm powerless to do anything but play this like a chess game and counter what he does.

I'm sad, angry, bitter, humiliated. I'm tired of all of this and just want the pain to end.

I think he called at the request of his son - just saying....

You might be right Kayla, I hadn't thought of that. Son: "Dad, would you please call H&G and try to talk some sense into her?"

H&G, speculating about all of this is giving your WH more space in your head than he deserves. Block that road in your mind, it leads to nowhere at the moment.

Kayla and princessmeggy, I hadn't thought that he might have asked his dad to call. Makes some sense. I also agree, meggy, that I'm giving him too much of my brain space. I'll try to stop that today.

I forgot to take my AD on time last night and so spent the next few hours crying. I called my sister and she talked me down from the ledge I was on. Love my sister!

I spoke to my DS. We had discussed the divorce before and I told him that I wanted to drag it out. He happily agreed. Last night he said, "You can either jump off the divorce cliff and get it done in a hurry or you can climb down the cliff and take your time. I vote that you climb down." How come my kids are wiser than I am?

Also, spoke to younger DD. She did not invite her dad to visit. WH invited himself. She said she doesn't approve of what he's done and she will correct his thinking whenever it comes up.