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Tabitha just found out today that her mom has cancer. She is freaked out, drinking herself into a coma and I just don't care. She's a 44 year old woman and needs to buck up in front of her son that is failing school and I am having to support also.

I've been through this with my dad and I don't recall folding up. I'm more concerned about her not going down to the unemployment office and getting her extension filed that she is a month out on doing. All she has done since losing her job is lay on the sofa, watch tv and smoke.

I absolutely refuse to fund a trip to go and see her mother when they haven't even discussed stage or treatment yet.


I guess I really am the monster my ex wife said I was. Oh well.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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I don't think you're messed up or a monster... I'm more curious as to why you're with a woman who you admittedly don't seem to care much for (or care much for her well being). You seem indifferent... why is that?


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Originally Posted by tccoastguard
I don't think you're messed up or a monster... I'm more curious as to why you're with a woman who you admittedly don't seem to care much for (or care much for her well being). You seem indifferent... why is that?

My thoughts and concerns exactly.

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Pariah Offline OP
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Maybe I'm a misogynist now? Maybe I just don't care.

I don't know. I am the only one contributing here now and she is too concerned with me sending her to see her mother than planning ahead to get herself financially capable of handling this.

She just told her son he is going to have to find a carpool to get himself to his night classes. He won't even tear himself from his video games long enough to eat much less get a ride to school.

Maybe I'm just getting old and mean.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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I see that you resent her for not carrying her weight financially. Is that a fair assessment?

If so, have you figured out what you boundary is here, and shared that with her?


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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Are you married to her? It seems quite a situation...if you give her the boot you feel like a heel doing so while her mom has cancer...yet if you don't, you're stuck with a woman who is acting the part of a loser, not able to buck up and do what she needs to do.
It is all well and good to be compassionate, but we need to be careful to guard against enabling. When we fill in for their deficiency, we don't allow them to step up to the plate and learn the lessons they need to be learning themselves. Sometimes tough love really IS the most loving and compassionate thing, even if it doesn't FEEL like it at the time.
I would not be supporting two grown losers. But that's just me. I'm sorry her mom has cancer, but we all have our hard places in life...I could give you a list of mine, but the point is, we have to keep going regardless of what life throws at us. We can't just lay down and give up on life.


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Pariah Offline OP
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She has a brain injury that makes her ability to prioritize illogical. She would rather fold like a cheap lawn chair than plan what needs to be done and to find out just how bad it is.

She avoided going down to the unemployment office for a over month because every excuse possible. I forced her up this morning at 5:00AM and told her she better call me when she gets there.

Turned out she misunderstood a question on the online reporting and it merely got suspended. She is getting her benefits with back pay after she let the bills get 2 months behind before I had to catch everything up and this is after I spent a fortune at Christmas for her other sone and his wife to stay with us a week.

She now has the funding to see her mom after surgery, but she has told her son he needs to find a way to school at night. I really don't think the internet addict cares if he graduates or not. I can pick him up when it's out at 10:00PM, but I'd have to get off work at 2:30 to get him there by 4:00. That's almost $90 in lost salary a day for me to give up those 2 hours.


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It sounds as if you totally despise her. Do you?

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Pariah, it almost sounds like you have trouble saying no. If you don't want to do something, not only don't do it, but don't offer to do it if you know you're going to resent it. You are enabling them.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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How does it sound like he despises her? Because he wants her to be responsible for her own life and kids? If anything he enables it because he seems to feel that he is somehow obligated to support her.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Pariah Offline OP
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I despise my ex-wife and hope she dies in a fire.

Tabitha has a brain injury which she tries to cover up. She frustrates me with her deal with it at the 11th hour attitude because she refuses to face the truth, any truth until it's broadside and pounding her hull with cannonballs.

She was too concerned with laying on the sofa feeling sorry for herself then telling me she had failed to notify me about the utilities. Her son only comes out of his room to eat. He would rather stay in there with the invisible "friends" on that soul sucking exxbauxx than go flying with me to go get a poboy and gumbo. It wasn't like that until I got the fast internet.

He doesn't even want to drive the car much less fly the airplane. He prefers the invisible girlfriend to the cute little chick at his school that likes him.

I know I was awkward and shy in school, but when I was 18, I was a manwh0re.

Tabitha and I dated back when we were in our really early 20's and she left me because she said I wasn't "fun" (I didn't like staying drunk). I was a "stick in the mud" (I plan ahead and keep the family safe). Now 25 years later after my divorce, her life went nothing but downhill because she chose a man that was "fun" and when she was what he called ruined from the stroke, he abused her and divorced her. She was crippled so she lost her son to him and she pretty much drifted and lived with her mother.

I guess I was the most stability she's seen in 20 years. However, I haven't changed much. I am still responsible and even more careful now. She is FINALLY planning things out to see her mother, but now planning to leave before her surgery. I am now pressured to get her car ready for a thousand mile trip this week. I just got done polishing the head light lenses, changing the oil and other fluids.

To her, nothing bad can happen on the road because it hasn't happened yet. She is incapable of predicting danger at all.

I watched her walk calmly though a swarm of hornets a year ago. I had to tell her to go back to her car and wait for me to tell her when it would be safe. I had to bee suit up and blast them with spray. There literally was hundreds of them and yet none got her. However they hit my bee suit like dive bombers.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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I wouldn't change my work schedule and income for the 18 year old kid, let him take a bus. Is he in high school or college? He needs to be responsible for himself and if he's not in school and with a part time job, he needs to leave the nest. Can't carry him forever! He may not be your son, but the fact that you're there and having to deal with him gives you some say.

Brain injury or not, if this is a relationship you don't want to be in...get out of it. You don't have to suffer for life because of someone else.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Sounds like POJA, boundaries, and compassion are all needed.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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Hmm. If someone talked to my girlfriend the way you just described your OWN girlfriend, I'd have to have words with them.

It doesn't sound to me like you love her. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her (and her son).

What do YOU want in a partner? Is she meeting your criteria?


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
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WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Pariah Offline OP
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I have alot of resentment towards all women. I have resentment towards her son because he has become a lazy white trash leech.

He thinks he is going to have some chick from facebook come and stay with him this weekend. I come home to find some stranger in my home I consider them an intruder and off to jail they go.

If he wants chix over, he needs to get a job and his own place. However they ain't handing jobs out to failures. There is no CEO position for internet gaw'duh.

Tabs was fine until she got what SHE wanted and then her effort stopped. I have to push her to do anything. I have to call her to turn on Roxy's light and let her out of her cage or else Roxy screeches all day.


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Why do you have "A lot of resentment towards all women", Pariah? I can certainly understand toward your ex and Tabitha, but I wonder way ALL women deserve your resentment.


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My own mother beat me severely back when my father had a series of ONS. She beat me into a coma when I was in first grade.

When I got married I swore, I would no matter what, keep my family safe and happy. Little did I know I married a psychotic, covetous, ***edit*** that nothing would make her happy as she resented herself for not being her father's favorite child.

She in turn, to cover up her affair(s) tried to have me killed.

I am only frustrated with Tabs because she has trouble with empathy as a part of her brain injury. She tries, but it takes alot of effort on her part and she ain't the most motivated person there is.

She is on the way back from Mississippi with me a gallon of remoulade sauce and a shrimp poboy from my favorite restaurant. Her heart is in the right place, but I feel like I have to grab the controls and wrestle the ship all by myself.

Last edited by McLovin; 02/04/11 10:15 PM. Reason: please do not bypass the profanity filter

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Pariah,
Maybe you don't want advice, but mine would be to extricate yourself from this situation, and maybe be on my own a bit and spend some time healing and developing a healthy attitude towards women and learning all about red flags and boundaries to ensure that the next time you get into a HEALTHY relationship...then and only then, just maybe you can have a truly pizazz relationship! You are a good person, you don't deserve to settle for any less.

I can really relate to your feelings...I haven't had a good history with men...I did have one man that truly loved me but he died. But I can't relegate "bad" to all men...just most of them I've come into contact with. It would be unfair to label ALL men that way though. What I need to do, if I ever want anyone in my life again (and that's a pretty big "if") is to raise the bar and learn to recognize healthy from unhealthy...that is what I'm working on now. I can work on establishing boundaries, recognizing red flags, even while not dating!


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Originally Posted by Pariah
I have alot of resentment towards all women. I have resentment towards her son because he has become a lazy white trash leech.

He thinks he is going to have some chick from facebook come and stay with him this weekend. I come home to find some stranger in my home I consider them an intruder and off to jail they go.

If he wants chix over, he needs to get a job and his own place. However they ain't handing jobs out to failures. There is no CEO position for internet gaw'duh.

Tabs was fine until she got what SHE wanted and then her effort stopped. I have to push her to do anything. I have to call her to turn on Roxy's light and let her out of her cage or else Roxy screeches all day.

Pariah, with all due respect - and you've been here far longer than I have, I think you're feeling sorry for yourself and lashing out at those around you instead of looking inside yourself and changing what you can.

You can't control anyone else, so don't waste your emotions on b1tching about them. You can only control your own actions, so focus on that.

One of my favorite quotes is this (from a skinny white guy named Mike Skinner): "If you don't like what's going down / You gotta change something round / And what you can't change you've got to change the way you thought about".

There is a WHOLE lot you can change here. Sounds like it's time to man up and make some changes, drastic ones. The resentment towards her son and Tabitha is poisoning you.

Best wishes,
Arpeggi


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Pariah Offline OP
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Felling sorry for myself? No. Griping yes. Like you said, you ain't been here very long and I don't have the time to spell it out for you, but rest assured I have made great strides considering what I have been through.

My problem is that I just don't care that her mother has cancer. I've seen my own father die a miserable painful death from it when I was 28. His death was a relief. I don't get what the big deal is with Tabs folding up like a cheap lawn chair.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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