PITY-PARTY ALERT!

Of course, now I've going back to "what about me?" The last two days have been off for me. It's been so long (eight or nine months) since I've felt needed that my $LB is just going down. SF (my #1) last showed up around May of 2010.

But I'm still trying to stick to the course. I've got to work on the UA time, I know it's critical. I get kind of down, though, when it's not reciprocated or the conversation is so forced. Make sense?

Stuff I did...I would bring up old conversations about the A and throw them in my H's face. BAD IDEA. DON'T DO IT. It gained me nothing, and my goal of hurting my H as badly as he'd hurt me never happened. Once you get your affair question answered, move on. Imagine yourself on a game board. Go to the next space. Don't go back a space. It will gain you nothing. Listen to someone who made the mistake of doing it.

Approach your WW in a healthy way. Let her know that you're feeling a little cranky and could use some comfort.

When I felt overwhelming anger I would take a pillow and slam it against the door frame in my bedroom. Hot DANG! did that feel good! Seriously, yes, I did have a problem with rage over the A. And initially I would strike physically at my H, which was a terrible thing to do, for both of us. That pillow was a Godsend.

That actually did work, and when she responded with kindness it ticked me off. Uggh. I don't know what I wanted her reaction to be, and think I would have been ticked no matter what she said. I don't get it.

Actually, I do know what I wanted her reaction to be. Hint-it's what guys think about the most.

Wow, that sounds so pathetic. I'm glad I didn't let her know that that's what I wanted and preserved some dignity.

I'm too new to offer advice on this just wanted to say two things.

Well done on your fight, you're doing the right thing.

And Melody you're the best.

Damn I love a good exposure thread.

So, how soon should you begin in your effort to address each other's complaints? My answer: As soon as the complaint is first made. Why wait for a complaint to turn into a demand, or a disrespectful judgment or an angry outburst? Why not deal with the issue immediately, as soon as it is spoken.


How should you tell your spouse, "We have a problem."
One of the reasons that spouses postpone their complaints is that the way they complain often starts a fight. While the complaint does get the problem out on the table, it often wrecks what could have been a peaceful evening at home. And after the fight is over, the problem usually remains unsolved. So, how should you introduce a problem to your spouse in a way that doesn't lead to a fight, and makes it easy to solve?

First, this is what you should NOT do when presenting a problem to your spouse:

DO NOT make a demand. A demand is an effort to force your spouse to do what you want without consideration for how your spouse will feel doing it. "Do it, or else," is the clear message given in a demand, and it coveys an insensitivity to your spouse's feelings or interests. It's a Love Buster because demands withdraw love units. Instead of helping to solve a problem, it creates a new problem. A thoughtful request, on the other hand, is a good way to ask your spouse for help, because it takes his or her feelings into account. "How would you feel if you were to do this for me," introduces the problem with a willingness to negotiate a win-win solution.

DO NOT make a disrespectful judgment. When you present the problem, avoid expressing it as being the fault of your spouse. "If you were less selfish, we wouldn't have this problem," is an example of a disrespectful judgment that will get you nowhere. Instead of blaming your spouse for the problem, view it as a problem for you that is, apparently, not a problem for your spouse. Respectful persuasion is an effort to try to change your spouse's behavior that, in the end, will not only help you, but will help your spouse as well.

DO NOT have an angry outburst. Anger is your Taker's way of punishing your spouse when he or she does not give you what you want. It's not only an ineffective way to produce long-lasting change in your spouse's behavior, but it also destroys your spouse's love for you.

Granted, if you present your complaint in a thoughtful way, and your spouse responds with thoughtlessness, you will be very tempted to revert to your Taker's instincts by being demanding, disrespectful and angry. But it takes two to fight, and if your spouse does not respond positively to your presentation, simply end the discussion, and re-introduce your problem again later.

Me thinks that it is too early. I think also that she does know that you need SF (who doesn't). I do believe dr Harley that if there is firm NC and love bank starts to fill up then SF department comes along itself.

In your case, when the last contact was only weeks (?) ago, you just have to be patient. NC should be your first priority.