NC alone is not enough.

NC is requirement number ONE, but is never enough for recovery.

You have endured a FALSE recovery.

You must set the bar higher after a FR.

MUCH higher !.

I am going to bump up another thread about "FR" false recovery.

I "bumped" the FR thread.
Please go look it over.

On the FR thread, a FWH (HerPapaBear) responded.

PLEASE READ his response carefully.

Sexymamabear made this list. THIS is how Plan B should end.

Your H has not ended this affair. The OW told you to your face that they have been communicating, that they have been in contact, multiple ways, multiple times.

Your H�s reaction was a show for you. To pacify you and give a false sense of security for the time being. I am afraid it will happen again, and again until you stop this.
The meeting was a set up that your husband orchestrated. (He brought you there).

The �plan� is to bully you into accepting this nut job as another �wife� in your household, with the complete coercion of her affair partner, your WH.

They are mentally and emotionally beating you down. There can be long term effects for a victim of being exposed to this type of abuse.

Although the situation is unusual, this type of coercion is commonly found in the domestic violence/abuse realm (Google the wheel of abuse/domestic violence) although cruel, it is highly effective in wearing down victim.

WHY have you not exposed this situation to the community? With the cyber stalking, the repeated requests to leave you and your family alone, and the flowers, emails and contacts attempting you to be coerced into this illegal arrangement, you have all the terms needed to file a restraining order.

<edit>
I re read your thread. You were advised 11/04/09 to expose this A. As far as I can tell you have not taken this advice.

You were also told to get a restraining order the same time.

As far as I can tell, you have not done many of the reccomended actions, just have popped in here and there for crazy time, squirell-p@@p updates.

Why have you not protected yourself from this A? False recovery has not happened, because the A probably never ended, imho.

You have been along her long enough to know the drill.
EXPOSE
Expose
expose.
Get an STD test.

Thanks for the responses.

I confess, I haven't read the false recovery thread, mostly because I haven't wanted it to happen to us. Fear, I suppose, but I will look at it now.

I have emotionally been through most of hte points that have been brought up so far...

I have confronted WH on domestic violence issues, I am stronger and I refuse to be abused emotionally or physically. Now I am more in control of what I know I am feeling and sensing. This will not be tolerated.

I have also been in contact wiht the office of crime victims in our state and at that time the restraining order wasn't something I could do...although that was before the latest incident, so I may be able to obtian one now.

I have exposed the affair, although, only a few people and family members know of the polygamy aspect.

We have gone to the STD testing...(and a side note of something that was appreciated by me...our family physican refuses to see him because she is seeing me and she does not care to cross those lines in situations involving affairs).

I have several requirements for the recovery of our marriage at this point. And others arise as my emotional state recovers to the point of recognizing what needs to be done next.

Right now I am thinking things through and making sure that I am confident we can recover our marriage.

Thanks again for your words of support and advise...that is why I come here...

And I am sorry for the here and there type updates. My job doesn't allow for me to be on message boards often.

Off I go to read now...
thanks again...

If you were tested before the last known contact with OW, STD testing needs to be repeated.
No matter if WH thinks it is necessary or not.
It's part of the consequences of a false recovery.
Even if WH says they were not physical.
Waywards are proven liars and not to be believed.
STD testing is always a requirement after any secret contact is discovered.

so true...

thanks...will have to follow through...

I gotta say though....I do so wish I wasn't ehre...I read the FR thread, lots of good things to continue to look for...

I do find myself losing hope lately, I am not approaching the thought of recovery with as much enthusiasm as I did before. I just don't know in my heart anymore that we can make it.

A part of me truly hopes so, but a part of me is just so sad and becoming very hardened. I love him so much, but I am afraid that his actions over the last few months have all but killed that love.

I think this is normal...I hope it is...I read the other threads and see that same sentiment coming through, only in different ways...

Your note seems strangely at odds with the story you've related.

I have confronted WH on domestic violence issues, I am stronger and I refuse to be abused emotionally or physically. Now I am more in control of what I know I am feeling and sensing.
No, you HAVE been abused emotionally. What you are doing is denying the FACTS of what is happening to align more closely to what you want to have happen.

This will not be tolerated.
With the consequences of his ongoing emotional abuse being WHAT, exactly? More tears from you? Another discreditable line in the sand? Yet another false recovery followed by a repeat of the laughable "surprise" meeting?

I have also been in contact wiht the office of crime victims in our state and at that time the restraining order wasn't something I could do...although that was before the latest incident, so I may be able to obtian one now.
...and you will do so with the assistance of legal counsel first thing in the morning, right? Or is this just some plastic snake you're going to wave at WH and his AP, saying "Boo!"?

I have exposed the affair, although, only a few people and family members know of the polygamy aspect.
And the reason for your lack of fortitude in this arena is......?

We have gone to the STD testing...(and a side note of something that was appreciated by me...our family physican refuses to see him because she is seeing me and she does not care to cross those lines in situations involving affairs).

I have several requirements for the recovery of our marriage at this point. And others arise as my emotional state recovers to the point of recognizing what needs to be done next.
Okay, share them with us, right here, in print. We will assist you in formulating and refining these, if necessary, and hold you to enforcing each one of them, with the previously defined penalties for violations by WH Scumbucket.

Right now I am thinking things through and making sure that I am confident we can recover our marriage.
AKA: WH has me bamboozled right now that he's not actually planning his dream tag-team arrangement. I don't DARE rock the boat, so I'll assume the "thinking" position.

Intears, you must see how this looks to us - ineffective, weak, vapid. And your WH sees it all the more clearly.

The frog story..

Proven fact (but not by me.) Gross, but I learned this in a group session for women...

If you put a frog into a beaker of hot/boiling water, it will immediately jump out and struggle for its very existance.

If you place that same frog into a beaker of cool water and slowly raise the tempreture degree by degree, it will sit there until it perishes.
Small abuses add up, bit by bit they become insignificant but the end result can be horrible.

No one here wants to pile on you. We would like you to pick up your staff and protect your family.

But by allowing the bar to be so low, you are playing a part in the FR.

I can no believe 2 years later ,(One year past D day) and the OW STILL thinks she has a chance? This is encouraged by your current WH, you know.

IT;
This woman wants YOUR LIFE.
This woman is trying to use squirell p@@ thinking/rationalizing to incrimentally move you out of your BED, HOUSE and Marriage and current life.
No, She does not want to "share the wife role with you" (nor give you the right to insurance that -- I am guessing -- your H provides for you as stated in your first post.) Insurance will only pay for one wife, sorry.

She is not using a sword to force you out. If she were, you would identify this pick up your shield and staff and DEFEND yourself. She is using flowers and God. The motive is the same.

Quote
"I found out was that we had talked about a response to her e-mail asking for a meeting. I finally broke down and told him that he could reply wiht a no...she responded to both of us, saying that yes, he had already told her that and sent me his orin=ginal reposonse to her in which he was talking aobut how he wanted to bring his [b]two wives together [/b]and such...
I was so overwhelmed...he called me immediately...that is when he talked aobut the contact they ahve been having and all that bs...i told him, I wanted to leave, I was very harsh that I don't want anything other than our children and it is over...it is either her or me."

end quote..... uhhhh.


Hold the phone....What the heck is this? When was the last time your H was talking about his "two wives?"

"I was very Harsh?"
Dude.

Repeat after me...

I want your pension.
Child support,
the house/car and investments.
Alimony
FULL LEGAL CUSTODY (why would you let this nut job sleep anywhere around your children...what if God "wanted" her to have sex with them, too? Would you sit back and tolerate that?)

Protect your family. while you can.

Take her last "explanation" email, to an attorney.
Take with it your husbands "two wives" reply.

consider it an investment in your sanity.

FR is a call to action. The results don't have to be instantaneous, but immediately begin to make your plan (we can help), and once that is done take steps toward carrying it out.

You are the one in charge here, not WH. It's time to get your life adultery-free. Are you ready?

PS Please read Pep's post many times and absorb it. She's like Robin Hood - not only does she most always hit a bullseye, but she also splits the arrow right down the middle.

Thank you for all the responses, some are hard to read and really think about...but I am.

ANd pep, thanks so much for your concern...and to put it mildly, I have lost a bit of my enthusiam for life...I am trying not to, but it is hard...I am already on anti-anxiety meds (had been thinking of coming off of them before this go-round, but now thinking of upping them).

And yes, to answer your question, when I feel sad or lose hope, I tend to cycle my emotions and focus on myself or my percieved personal faults. I know that about myself and I try to be aware of it, but sometimes I revert to that pattern of thinking. Then when I am more alert, I KNOW that I am a strong person and that I can do what needs to be done to protect myself and my children.

So, where I am right now--what I have asked for so far and he is doing (and I am working to verify)--

1) absolutely no contact
2) change cell phone number..done
3) blocked all internet access...he worked wiht IT dept at work to have her completely blocked
4) Attending and participating in a men's group therapy weekly as a means of accountability to someone outside of our marriage.
5) MC is continuing and additional IC
6) I have asked him for two letters. One is a letter in which he is expressing what he has done, how deeply he has hurt me and what he will do to make sure that it never happens again and another letter...and I know this is silly, but I want a love letter, I want to know just how much he does love me and why. I want him to think about that and think about the other letter.
7) There is a firm understanding that I will be requesting more from him and expect it to happen, no matter what.

Last night we did have a good long conversation, we did talking aobut the affair, some questions I had, and how to move forward at this point. From what he says (although I take eveyrthing he says with a grain of salt--well, maybe a whole grain elevator full of salt )...anyway, he says that he is scared that I will leave him, that we may not be able to recover this time and that he has hurt me too badly. I can only tell him that it may be true. Only his being able to demonstrate that he is absolutely committed to our marriage and to me will determine whether we can truly recover our marriage.

I am glad that he is scared that I may leave him...if he realizes how much he loves me and our marriage and our family, then a little fear of losing me over his affair and his behavior isn't a bad thing. I have a plan in place for if I reach the point that I feel it is over. I know where I would go and how I could get there. No lawyers yet, but if he cannot do what is necessary to completely end the affair, then I know who I would call for a referral.

I have one prayer now...I have prayed for clarity so that I see what is happening and the decisions that need to be made, that I am able to make the decisions and that I have the strength to follow through on those decisions, no matter what they are.

So, in a nutshell, that's where I am now...and thinking about the next steps (#7 above).

There are some other things he could do to make you feel safer in this marriage.

A post-nuptial that gives you all marital assets if he should ever resume this (or any other) affair.

A polygraph so that you know you finally have the whole truth.

So this jerk is scared you'll leave him and that you're recovery won't work BECAUSE HE has been in contact with his lover yet again?

How narcissistic of him to worry about how or what you feel. He is really a very scary and destructive person and how you are living day to day WITHOUT getting a restraining order against the ow is beyond me.

Please, please protect yourself and your kids from the psycho woman. And she probably wouldn't be pursuing things AGAIN unless YOUR WH is starting things up. Poor wittle wayward. He is worried his wife will leave him because she's so sad and upset that he feels he HAS TO YET HOOK UP AGAIN WITH THE OW as a backup plan.

Have you thought of it as that? Did it occur to you that's what he may have done? Formulate a backup plan. I also believe you were ambushed by the both of them at walmart (what a place do to that huh?). I personally would have had her arrested for stalking me and filed charges against her THAT DAY.

How long do you have to live in a life with a man who needs constant scrutiny day to day to just keep him from cheating?

I do agree w/Lexxxy in that you need a post-nuptial agreement to protect you. Personally, I'd be done with this harmful man.

I wish you the best, but he is probably been contacting her for quite some time. It doesn't sound like an accidental meeting with her, and obviously HE has LED HER ON. That means their affair never ended.

Why should it now? How exactly are YOU PROTECTING yourself and your children right now? I posed this question to you quite a while back and didn't really get a response on that. Are you getting a restraining order against the ow? Is your WS going to go to MB counseling WHEN the affair is over? We all know here that counseling will not work if the ws is still in the affair. And he is. It might have gone further underground, but you my friend, are simply going on the words of a liar, rather than doing proper recon.

Is there a var in the vehicle he drives or gps? Is there a keylogger on the computers? Do you have passwords to his cell phone?

Seriously, the whole thought your wh could go along with that crazy situation in a 3way marriage is just nuts to me and harmful to any family.

The phone and email are a good start.

But what about if she does try to contact him? Proper answer- He does not respond to OW contact, but tells you 100% of the time.

The "love letter" may make you feel better, and a cake eating WW will write one off in a flash!, but you need to work on real consequences and litnus tests.

If you ask - people here will help you.

Why have you not exposed this abusive relationship to people?
TURNING on the LIGHT will send the cockroach scrambelling.

intears, hope you are doing ok. I was thinking about you last night.