To repeat what MelodyLane said, just in my own words...

Plan B for a BS is like withdrawal to an alcoholic. At first, it's tough and the tendency to relapse is great. If relapse occurs, one goes back to ground zero.

As time passes, the withdrawal stage wears off and recovery sets in. In Plan B, the BS focuses on his/her own life condition: health, welfare, employment, church, etc.

The saying I've heard in A.A. is "if you keeping hanging around the barber shop, sooner or later you're going to get your hair cut." To be clear, Plan B is about REMOVAL. The BS removes him/herself from the condition that caused so much pain and anguish.

Plan B, like A.A. is all about "one day at a time." Anything else is simply trying to tell God how to run things.

This is an excellent explanation for a BS and it comports completely with own past experiences in withdrawing from a legally/emotionally abusive & obsessively-fogged-out, unrepentant WW/xWW via Plan B (err�it eventually became more like �Plan-stay-the-heck-away-cuz-friends/family/me-will-have-nothing-more-to-do-with-your-psycho-a$$�).

The 2nd to last line of Dr. Harley�s quote really caught my eye. I don�t think I�ve ever read anything quite like that here on MB�.at least not put that bluntly and succinctly. Plan A is certainly worth doing for a reasonable amount of time (�reasonable� depending on the BS�s emotional tolerance and the WS�s level of stubbornness/emotional-addiction to the affair). I would advise many BSs to consider Plan B (much) sooner rather than later if the following revision to Dr. Harley�s statement applies to their situation:


� Quite frankly, when someone is way deep in the fog, plan A really doesn't help much at all. �

Well, Pep, you did it again. I finished making dinner(bagels with bacon and cheese, DS10 picked it), I log on to MB for the first time today and I see THIS thread and I start to cry as I read the posts. I KNOW PEP. I KNOW.

I believe, and I am certain that Pep will correct me if I am wrong, that this thread was started to help Pep help ME. I appreciate the help. I appreciate the responses and I know they will help others as well as myself.

I will explain a little bit about what I am thinking, how I am feeling and what is going on in Scotty-ville.

I loved my WH with ALL of my heart. I still love him, A LOT. I sometimes believe that I entered Plan B too early. My LB$ for my WH was still way too high. I don't regret entering Plan B when I did, and I would not fault anyone who led me to that decision at that time. At the time, it was the right thing for me. It is still the right thing for me.

Let's look at this through the MB glasses shall we? My WH had a huge balance in my LB even after having an affair. Before DDay1, Nov9/07 I had been in a state of withdrawal in my M. I had given over to the fact that this was marriage, we were raising our children, living day to day, and maybe when the kids were old enough, we would be able to rekindle something again. If not, that was fine. Life wasn't great, but I figured that it could be a lot worse. On DDay1, I realized that I loved my WH. I didn't want to lose him and I would do anything to repair our marriage. He was all I wanted FOREVER. So when he was gaslighting me, I believed him.

I remember the summer of 2008, I was watching Oprah, and she had Will Smith and Jayda Pinkett Smith on. They said that they worked on their marriage because Divorce wasn;t in their vocabulary. I was trying to save my marriage, I was looking for ways to fix it. My WH agreed that Divorce wasn't in his vocabulary either. He made some efforts. We seemed to be getting closer but there was this "friendship" with OW that was getting between us. It was the cause of almost ALL of our arguments.

I was gaslighted with the, "You are insecure and jealous and THAT is what we are arguing about. It's not about her(I KNOW I KNOW, remember this was Pre-MB)." You know what? I believed him because I felt insecure and I WAS jealous. So I started to work on me. When I go back and read the journal entries from that time, I see my words and I cry. I said things like, "I need to trust him more. I can't always believe the worst of him." I can't believe that I was falling for it. I know better now.

I have always believed that my WH would have an affair. I just "knew." After we had children, I actually made the decision that I could forgive one affair, but only one. Then I changed that to, "I CAN forgive one affair, I don't know if I could forgive more than one." I still don't know. I may never need to worry about that either.

Now, for those of you who have made it this far and still have time to read, here are some things about my current sitch.

I have been in Plan B for 13+months(hey at least I don't know the exact amount of time). The end of my Plan B has been set by me. It is longer than the end date DrH has stated, not because I don't agree with him. It is simply because I don't see me being ready in less than 11 months to go to Plan D.

I started Plan B with a GIANT balance for WH in my LB. DDay2 managed to withdraw a big chunk. I feel much better about being in Plan B. I never could sleep without WH, now I sleep like a baby and actually prefer to sleep alone. I have managed to fix some things and take care of my family without my WH. I have been making self improvements. I have been focusing on finding new hobbies, taking up old ones, and figuring out what I want to be when I grow up(I really want a career and have for a while).

I was my own email IM for a while, which was WRONG WRONG WRONG. Being in Plan B, I thought I could handle it. There wasn't anything too hurtful, but it did keep me thinking about WH a lot. That has been corrected and will not occur again. My current IM has had nothing to do for almost 2 months. And I am POSITIVE that she will do an AWESOME job.

Currently, my WH transfers over the money that I asked for in my addendum to Plan B. When he was also asked to pay for half of DS10's boxing training, he agreed. He then said he would only do it for 3 more months, but he continued it this month again. He paid for the back to school items that I asked for, through IM, and even purchased more. Even other expenses, such as dentist bills, that come up, I ask for half and he pays the whole amount. So, financially, he has been continuing to meet my EN, which, like it or not, deposits LB$. I know he SHOULD support his children, but I also know that he could choose not to. If he ever chose not to, it would drain a HUGE amount of LB$ real quick.

Now, to bring up DSx2. When he calls them, it meets an EN for FC. When he doesn't call or email them, it drains my LB$.

Even the fact that he got DS8 a birthday cake, a blue Lego block, met an EN for me. My WH doesn't think that birthdays are a big deal. He has always said that his Bday is, "just another day." He KNOWS that I hold birthdays to a high standard. So, getting DS8 a birthday cake, in his favourite colour, in the shape of his favourite toy was very thoughtful. Sending home 3 pieces of cake was actually something that drained a bit of LB$. Funny how LB$ works, eh.

I believe that the EN meeting may be going both ways. The LB$ withdrawals are also going both ways. And this leaves me where I am. LB$ balance going up and down even though I am in Plan B. Mostly because of and through our children. I don't know what the outcome of my story will be, but I do know that MB has helped me, either way. I do not regret having taken these steps and having followed these plans.

I hope now everyone can understand why I didn't feel like I was as good of a Plan Ber as you all thought. I am in a pretty cr@ppy Plan B. I don't see a way to fill in these holes. It's pathetic sometimes. I will see a piece of mail with my WH's name on it and it makes me think of him. I can't make him change his address and the fact that he hasn't even adds LB in a warped way.

I can't explain it any better than that. I may have been able to use less words, but I doubt it.

Again, thank you all. I hope this helps.

Cliff notes:

Scotty holds a lot of love, still.
After more than a year.
Sometimes, it hurts her a LOT.
A lot, a lot.
More than she lets on.

The rest of the story:

I feel useless. Me, I do.
I can't figure out how to best help her.
I guess, just being there (in a virtual way) is a help.
But, I wondered if I was missing something that another MBer more experienced with first hand Plan B might be able to provide.

The "50 heads are better than one" theory.
Me ~~>

And, you "outed" yourself, my dear.
I'm pretty sure you were anonymous until you posted.

Scotland, the EN of DS is not enough to fill or empty a lovebank. People don't fall in love over DS, because it is not an intimate emotional need. Neither is financial support. People don't fall in love over that because none of that occurs until a person is married. They fall in love when the top 4 intimate emotional needs are met, ie: conversation, sexual fulfillment, affection and recreational companionship. None of which are being met in your case. I don't agree that his not calling your kids can "empty your lovebank" because that is not lovebuster.

I don't agree that you went into Plan B too soon. I don't think you went into it soon enough. You did Plan A for an appropriate amount of time and if he doesn't get the point that you would be WILLING to meet his needs in the future if he ends his affair, then he will never get it. There is no other point to staying in Plan A. The reason that women need to enter Plan B sooner rather than later, is because of the psychological and physical trauma of adultery. Many women have nervous breakdowns and/or suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from it.

As far as waiting longer than 2 years to get a divorce, I will just tell you what Dr Harley says, "But I don't encourage a spouse to wait more than 2 years in Plan B. After that amount of time, reconciliation is very rare."

That's okay, I don't mind.

Some people may have been unwilling to help had they known it was me, and others may have been more inclined. I thought that if other Plan Bers, who remain lurkers, may benefit in knowing tht they are not alone.

And it really cheeses me that you can say some much with so few words. When I grow up, I wanna be a lot like YOU Pep. You have been planted firmly in my mentor role, whether you like it or not. :P

Mel, I get that I won't fall in love with my WH because of FS and FC. I am already in love with him. I love him A LOT. I was talking about the balance and how it seems to continue to go up and down for me. Even the fact that we have spent 0 minutes together in 13+ months and I still love him boggles my mind. Some people just chalk it up to, "You will ALWAYS have some love for your WH, he IS the father of your children."

I also agree that after 2 years in plan B, it might be darn near impossible to recover my marriage, but since I am in no hurry to enter a new relationship, I don't believe extending the time limit of my Plan B past the two years to be of any hindrance to me.

I have been making progress. I believe that I have been moving in the right direction. I will continue on my path to personal recovery. Lemme know when I am veering off my path and any course corrections you can help me with.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Scotland}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}] you are awesome!

Thanx. I don't feel very awesome at times, but seeing people whom I have grown to respect tell me I am keeps me up. I can be quite hard on myself. I don't know if I will ever be able to change that fact about my personality.

Another thing that doesn't get touched on is that there seems to be a filtering mechanism involved in wither something is a deposit or wither it is a withdrawal.

Example
pre-affair: Nice romantic dinner at restaurant. Deposit.
affair: Nice romantic dinner at same restaurant WS with OP. Withdrawal.
post-affair: Nice romantic dinner at same restaurant FWS with FBS. Withdrawal.

So it isn't just the action causing the deposit/withdrawal, but possibly the perceived intention of the action. IOW, a processing of the input of the action. There also seems to be just the active thinking of WS in A by BS making withdrawals. So not only do BS in Plan B Have to Darken the external inputs of WS, but also have to Darken the memories and thoughts of WS.

I don't subscribe to the process of a Love Bank being evaporated even in a Dark Plan B. If evaporation was occurring with previous lovers then they would not be such a danger to a marriage.

Again, the addiction/AA reference works well. There is a simple saying; "Wet places, wet faces."

What it refers to, and what the alcoholic has to recognize, is that people and places associated with the behavior - drinking - need to be avoided to make recovery successful.

This is the same for a WS, and it is the same for a BS.

People and places that are somehow related to memories of the A (or in Plan B, memories or thoughts of the WS) should be avoided to minimize triggers.

NC is not the only reason for relocating being a great facilitation to recovery.

I agree that the perception of the action can also make an action become a deposit or a withdrawal.

And when you are dealing with a wayward, it is hard to understand their actions. Even the attempt is crazy-making.

That is true and sometimes I think that me living here is also a trigger. Looking at my DS8, whom resembles my WH so closely he was nicknamed "mini-Me" is hard to avoid though. I removed all pictures of my WH from my living spaces. I have some new furnishings, and am making changes to paint, etc. It's more difficult to tear the WS completely from your life when you have small children together.

(((Scotty))) I never did Plan B because I didn't know about MB at the time. I guess you could say I attempted something similar by beginning to not take his calls, see him, etc. but nothing like you guys do here on MB. With that said, I personally think how each person handles the effects of Plan B (no contact, unavoidable contact, etc.) depends on the strength of the individual person.

Now I'm not saying Plan B should be altered in any way, not at all, so please don't get that from what I'm saying. What I'm saying I guess is that because your love was/is so strong for WH, you may be able to sustain it longer while in Plan B than another person whose love wasn't/isn't as strong as yours pre-A.

To use a pretty weak analogy: not every pregnant woman will give birth on the 266th day. Some may give birth earlier and some later. Whatever the length of time, it doesn't take away from the fact of how it works or that it does work. (See I told you it was weak!)

It would be nice if WH had no way to make any deposits or withdrawals from your LB but that's not real life. The danger for anyone in Plan B is false hope or holding out for WH and getting stuck forever. There will come a time when you, and only you, will decide that enough is enough and you'll be done. In the meantime, protect your heart as much as you can.

Oh, and if it ever bothers you when others (me/myself/I) chime in on your rant about WH, please speak up and tell said person (me/myself/I) to shut up.

That was totally Pep's thing I think. I don't believe that I have ever expressed anything of the sort. There have been times when some people have said some things that have irked me, but I address it at the time.

I know the MB material. I know I don't want to get stuck and I figure that as long as I am moving in the right direction, then I will get to my destination. Some of us get there on a jet, and some of us have to take small steps. Others of us will take some of both.

I recognize the strides I have made and I know where I am headed. I am gonna keep on walking.

So far we have Plan B $LB withdrawals:

1. Continuation of Affair.
2. Memories.
3. Physical Triggers.
4. Wayward Behavior.

Length of Plan B Sustainability
1. $LB Balance.
2. Reduced Contact with WS.
3. ????

One last comment from me on this topic, and once again it involves a cross-reference to A.A:

It's said that A.A. is for people who WANT it, not for people who NEED it.

Speaking only for myself, this is the attitude I have adopted with MB as well. I WANT recovery from the torpedoing of our marriage my WxW did. When it became apparent to me that we weren't going to recover the marriage together, I became set on recovering myself alone.

Plan B is the single most important element that has helped in this regard.

Because I WANT recovery.