I gotcha Fred.

I even worry sometimes that if I let go of the idea of recovering my M that will mean that I will NEVER recover my M. Since it is still a possibility, albeit remote, I don't want to lock that door to tightly.

I KNOW that I will be okay if my marriage doesn't recovery. I will manage a life better than the one I would have had with the marriage I had before. It's just that I don't want to cut off all avenues that are available to me until the road is no longer there. Right now, I am on the path for personal recovery, which I honestly believe that I would need even in the event of marital recovery. Who knows where my story will end? I am not the author, merely a character and I have my part to play. I am doing my best and learning as I go. I WILL become a better person than before. I already am.

Let me point out that many of us love our WS a lot (underline and capitilize the a and the lot). I feel compelled to say this since we each felt our marriage was magic and invincible until we realized, uh oh.....what the? Huh? Oops!

The beauty of Plan B is that you can live your life without shooting yourself in the foot and making an irrevocable statement about the future. It allows for the door to actually be kept open. It is shut to pain but open to the possibility of a knock on it indicating a spouse who ended their affair and wants to rebuild.

I love that there is no drama of making a statement that is set in stone for the relationship's status for all time. I think that is keen.

Beautifully stated.

Scotland, one more thing. As a person who has LOTS of regrets about her past, please don't allow second guessing about your Plan B timing suck the joy out of your life. You cannot change the past, but you can change the present. I have had to train my own mind to STOP it when I start second guessing myself. It is a completely fruitless endeavor that only sucks the joy out of the present.

You made ME cry!

Yup. Change the name, change the length of time, and I'm sure you could describe many here in Plan B/D.

Common Wisdom dictates that you immediately fall out of love with someone who has treated you so badly.

The truth is, that doesn't always happen.

The average person - one who has not had to deal with infidelity - does not understand this.

I am sure that even those who have recovered their marriages have been called "crazy" or "stupid" or "doormats" and other things because they stayed with a spouse who betrayed them.

Well, they stayed because they still loved their spouse even in spite of the infidelity.

And most here who are in Plan B did hope that they could recover their marriages in just the same way. But it didn't happen.

Those who did recover could give that love to their FWS, and people seem to understand that. That love didn't go away.

Those who did not recover - well, what do they do with the love they still have?

It didn't go away, either. It's just sitting unclaimed and unused. And you can't just turn around and give it to somebody else. It belonged to the WS and it has their name on it.

I guess it would help the BS/XBS most just to have people acknowledge this fact, and not be told to "move on" or "get over it already" or "geez, you're crazy and you need help" or even "Let me congratulate you on being rid of WS/XWS."

The problem is, I don't know what to do with love that sits unclaimed and unwanted. You can't just throw it away like trash - the WS already did that.

I think that's a problem every BS/XBS has. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. And if any of YOU figure it out, please let me know!

Mulan nailed it.

Mulan,

You hit that on the head better than I have ever heard or read it before. You explained it so well. Thank you.

You are so right in that those who haven�t been a BS/xBS before have a difficult time understanding how & why someone can still love a WS/xWS, even after a substantial amount of time has passed and even when their wayward displays no outward remorse or repentance. The BS/xBS frequently hears (often from otherwise well-intentioned but misguided friends & family) that he/she �really needs to move on�, �is better off anyway without (the WS)�, and �why would you ever want a cheater back again? you'll never be able to trust or respect him/her...�

While there is often a fair amount of truth in these pronouncements, it can require a great deal of time for the BS to arrive at that point and he/she needs to get there on their own and in their own time. Some do it fairly quickly, some do it TOO quickly, and some do it very gradually. Unless it really has gone far beyond excessive (and professional help may be needed in extreme cases), it�s really hurtful and counter-productive to try to push somebody along in the name of �friendly advice�. Many BSs loved and were devoted to their WSs completely. Many did not see the affair coming at all and never would have believed it possible. These guys/gals are literally shell-shocked, confused & hurt beyond description, and are going to need a lot of time, patience, and support in Plan B to fall-out-of-love and not miss their marriage anymore.

I don�t think that Scotland�s �I still want recovery-and still love my WH-even after a year+-in Plan B� situation is in any way unusual, abnormal, or concerning. Heck, I KNOW it isn�t. It took me 18-24 months post-D (about 2.5 to 3 years post-original separation) to truly break 100% free. I don�t regret the duration one bit�it probably kept me from doing something really, really stupid like rebounding/re-marrying too quickly and/or not truly learning how to be a better spouse and how to recognize a better spouse. It�s also nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of either. Scotty, it just means you loved more and deeper and loyally�and those are NOBLE QUALITIES that will serve you well in the future no matter what happens with your WH.

I don�t have a magic pill answer to the �problem� you posed at the end of your post, Mulan. It was strange the way it worked for me. After a gradual initial personal Plan B partial-recovery, I had another massive, delayed, all-revealing D-day of sorts via a 3rd party over a year post-D. This sent me into another tailspin and seemed to wipe out all the emotional and personal progress I had made up until that point. I went back to the counselor I had seen earlier (in fact, he was the same MC that WW & I had seen when she was still actively lying/concealing the affair). He was VERY helpful. In my messed up condition I didn�t believe him initially, but I clearly remember him telling me this:

� You finally have what you needed�the full truth. Pain is NOT your enemy here. You will grieve again and you are going to have a rough 3-6 months ahead. But, when you come out the other end�and you will�you will be new and free. �

He was proven absolutely correct.

GREAT discussion. This is where I am, and you're right, I too do not know what to do with the love I have for my stbx. It hurts that I still have it, and it hurts to try to rid myself of it.

The only thing I could come up with is to just accept that I do still love him, and not beat myself up for it, which I have in the past.

I can continue to love him by taking care of myself, our children, the pets, and the house. (I'll be moving out, he'll be moving in).

In time, without his presence in my life, I may start filling someone else's needs, and the shift from loving my stbx will take place to a new partner.

But for now, I can't even think about being with another man. Everytime I even entertain the idea, I see my husband. Right now, he's the one I love. I will continue to do so, until I no longer do.

Great post Mulan.

I hate that others have to go through this, but it sure does help knowing I'm not alone in this.

I really appreciated hearing your timeline, on when you broke free.



I would love to have the FULL TRUTH about my marriage, to make that break. In my case, I will probably never know. I can't help but to think that it wasn't just me and my issues that caused our marriage to fail. I still have a gut feeling that there's been someone, or just the thought of another woman, always in the back of my husband's head, making recovery impossible. But at this point, I will probably never know for sure.

But my previous post still stands on how I will cope and handle things for now. One of the things that I have prayed for the most was for God to reveal the "truth" to me. Some things have been revealed to me about my character, not at all good, and some about his character, which is some good, and some not so good. But nothing like finding out there was indeed another person pulling us apart. In my case, there may have been some greener pastures fantazing going on. I just don't know.

She sure did and now I'M crying too.

((((Scotland))))

One day you're going to be appreciated for loving so deeply and compassionately. Your kids already do.

I just cleaned out some drawers in my nightstand. I came across a card my son gave me when he was much younger, but could write well. He's 22 yrs old now. It said "he loved me so much because I never left him". I will cherish that forever. I have an awesome relationship with my kids. We've grown closer since my husband left.

Just let the tears flow Scotty. You'll feel better again soon. Hugs.

.


Great post Fred, and shall I add its not about loss its about abundance that we start to desire those changes.

Amen!

But...But...But...

Awesome post Fred. Just yesterday when I once again decided to look at something that would remind me of my stbx, I told myself to stop. I want to heal.

Xactly Mulan, I guess it helps if our love is redirected and redefined, like say, towards our children, but the love we have for the wayward/X is a different kind of love, and the rejection of that what we give from the deepest part of ourselves as we bare our souls and put our whole life in thier hands, well, where do we put that?

We realize it is not gone, it is put on hold, and just a valuable as it allways was, and allways will be. That to me has been the best part of the healing process. I have not really lost anything because I loved, and I have gained more because of it.

Like the poster above mentioned, "Pain is not your enemy"

What a great way to look at it C.P.

Thank you for that.

Just my .02 on this interesting topic...and I realize you are asking this for a very specific reason.

My situation different in that my wife went into a Plan B when I had to place her into a nursing home after the fire here. She felt betrayed by me and disgusted, and then I felt forced into a Plan B because I felt rejected by her. That lasted for four+ months back in late 2009 and early 2010 as I had originally posted. I felt more rejected when I learned from her counselor that she had a brief affair with a resident at that nursing home.

I believe the bottom line is that 1) it is not only a matter of preseving the Love Bank, but a matter of preserving the marriage, and 2) the longer the history - of a good marriage - the greater the heartache.

In our situation it was simply damned hard. No contact between us for nearly four months. I felt conflicted that if I contacted her I would be rejected vs. if I contacted her I would somehow be intruding on her life that she did not want me to be a part of at that time.

There was the hope on my part that she would 'come to her senses' - i.e., simply that we would be able to communicate and resolve, but you cannot do this when emotions are still running high. I just sensed that for both me and her that any premature contact would hasten resolution or make up.

Yeah heartache. I do not believe for a minute that a love bank between a husband and a wife can totally cash out, unless there is abuse or some other serious offense. So, even tho it can diminish, the heartache and the pining will always be there to some degree - to the same extent that you can expect some below zero degree days in Chicago in January!

Tom

Again...very interesting topic and question, but also again I believe that the degree of heartache is totally dependent on the lenght and quality of the marriage. Yes, children are a factor, but the main factor is the H and the W.

As far as the heartache, each person has to assess how much they can tolerate, and how important their marriage is.

And, added, it is not only affairs that rip marriages apart, it can be long-term illness, financial distress, etc. Obviously, affairs are the most vile and destructive. In out case, we have survived my alcoholism, her mental illness, and just other day we celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary. Our wedding day was so long ago that it almost predates the first Super Bowl!

Take care,

Tom