I would reiterate to anyone who has your number that you do not wish your WW to have it. She didn't just trip over that number coming out of the shower.

It is more than just your personality. Hope gives you the strength of character that will allow you to make the best decisions for your marriage, yourself, and your children.


She is reduced to threats. This is the mindset of a bully. I assume you told the children about the A. Now it would seem that they are now causing conflict within the A.

Hi guys feeling a little weak tonight and need to ask a few questions.

I have had my boys 3 nights straight and it has been bliss, just a happy house, lots of laughing, playing and cuddles all round, but tonight both my boys said "when are we going back to mums", I simply explained tomorrow morning and they were all OK and settled.

but.. the comment threw me off guard again. My natural reaction was to want to text my WW and let her know the boys were missing her. I suppose to a degree I also want some peace and sanity in this mess. I am in Plan B, I know the rules, but man it is hard.

Does a WW ever stop hating the BS and want to even be civil?

How on earth are we to bring up 2 beautiful boys with no communication. I know the best thing is to keep away from the madness for my own well being (and it works) but what about boys?

How long have people ever done Plan B, and does it eventually do more harm than good. I just wonder long term how to ever work with these child schedules when they don't allow flexibility in them.

Can Plan B have a negative effect in that if ever a WW/WH ever comes out of the fog, do they then see the BS as distant and not willing to ever work on the marriage and have given up even though the plan b letter said otherwise?

I also keep having these thoughts that the WW and the OM will live a life of happiness and joy and it is hard to get out of my head. Surely the odds aren't good?

I'm just curious about these as my WW is now pregnant and my situation will be long and hard. I have listened to all the advice and put it into place. I'm working hard on structure for my boys so they know what happens when they are with Dad.

Thanks Guys.

I have just dropped my boys off this morning and just watched them to my WW door. It has become impossible with my work commitments to use IM all the time, sometimes I'm dropping my boys to the WW at 7am and its just impossible to get a IM to do it or get them to before school care .

We have put a new roster in place with me having the boys for 4 nights on week and 3 nights the following. It is a roster i'm happy with as we both get the boys a decent amount of time each.

She has tried to text me again this morning but I have deleted it straight away.

@WesH -

Darker!

You've been focusing on the fn miserable situation your in. I truly sympathize with you. As you know you've been dealt a [censored] hand. It's not the cards you've been dealt, but how you played your hand. This is what your showing your children. Be proud!

What are some of the specific positives for you? On a personal level?

I do have some positives that have come from this and positives in my life,

I have a great job (best Ive ever had), that pays well, allows me to be my own boss, has somewhat flexible hours, a company car, a company phone, a company computer and internet and a expense account.

I have wonderful friends that have supported me and that I am eteranlly greatful for. Disappointing however that the A has destroyed many mutual friendships.

I have been able to get closer to my brothers and sisters more than ever and their support has been fantastic.

I can buy the family home if I want it. (confirmed with broker)

If I don't want it, it will sell and I will have a decent amount of money (makes life a bit easier)

I have discovered real strength through this ordeal and am loving learning more about who I am, setting boundaries, MB Principles and the support I get from these forums.

and the biggest....

I have 2 wonderful, beautiful, intelligent boys who need a father to guide them into become men with morals, values, and passion for life.

So i have alot to be thankful for.

Cheers

Looking in on Wes's thread now, but know what JL, your comments are primarily premature and in the words of one Vince Lombardi, 'rinky dink'. I think Wes has been thru one helluva lot and is doing as well as can be!

Tom

Hi Wes,

I am very sorry to learn about your situation.

In citing your positives I think you forgot one thing - that in 20 years or so when your sons are young adults, they are surely going to remember how dedicated and faithful to them their dad was. That is going to amount to much more than an expense account or a company computer.

Just simply the best to you..

Tom

Tom,

I don't even know how to respond to such an off the wall comment. Just a note: Vince Lombardi was a football coach, no more no less.

JL

Thanks for your support JL, Tom2010, clark_kent and others.

@Tom2010 - I'm pretty sure JL comments, although coming across at times harsh are there to help me realise the real reality of my situation. At times this brutal honesty is needed to shake me out of my own depression/self pity and allows me to refocus on what I have to work with at this minute.

but thankyou everybody for your kind words.

need a new Im or a back up IM

Don't text your WW when the kids say anything. You'll learn, as you heal, that you have your life with them and she has hers and you simply keep them separate. If my kids ask to call my ex, I accomodate, but I don't volunteer it for them or call her to say, "Guess what little HTLD just said."

She has no need to know.

Ignore her texts about turning the kids against her. Don't say anything about her to the kids. If they ask anything, tell them that you love your WW and hope you can all be a family again someday, but that she has a boyfriend and that you're not supposed to have boyfriends or girlfriends when you're married.

Simply tell them that you don't know why their mother is doing what she's doing, but that you're against it and so are the rules of God.

Be their beacon of light. None of this is "turning the kids against her".

You also have every right to say whatever you wish about OM. He's not family or blood.

I just caught up on a bunch of your thread.

I�m sorry about the pregnancy. Personally, I would find this to be the ultimate LB. I�m sorry, other men may be able to forgive and do it, but I can�t honestly say I could raise another man�s child that resulted from an affair. This to me would be a solid death to the marriage and I would file for divorce to ensure that there was zero chance that I would be held responsible for that child and it�s upbringing.

I don�t know how you stand on that issue. She would be dead to me in every way.

You have a very good custody arrangement. Find a way to cement it and make it permanent and enforceable.

Wesh, I have an arrangement where I see my kids a lot. If your feelings for your WW aren�t dead, they will be eventually.

My advice is to let this woman go, carry on with your life, heal, and enjoy your time with your boys.

Let her crash and burn on her own.

But that�s me.

Are you willing to raise another man�s child if she comes back to you in a year?

WesH,

HTLD, touched on the major issue other than the existence of OM. You do have tough decisions to make, but I am heartened by your post concerning where your life is. It seems to me you are getting yourself positioned to make the hard decisions and that is very good to see.

I will say that you really don't have to worry about her pregnancy UNTIL OM is out of the picture, but when he is be prepared to be put on the hotseat. At that point, you must be emotionally focussed on your goals and what you think is best for you and your boys. She will play all of the cards that is for sure.

It seems to me that you are making good progress on gaining control of yourself and starting to set your boundaries. Just remember all of this is very "simple" it just isn't very "easy".

God Bless,

JL

Hi Wes,

I honestly don't know what I am doing here to even attempt to counsel you because I have not gone thru what you are, but just that you seem like a dedicated, caring person and I respect that.

Only, if I were in your shoes, I would assert myself more in terms of insisting on your rights regading visitation and the way she is treating you. Women can simply be b*tches. Especially when they get a mindset - and it is a mindset - to castigate their husbands to justify their own failure.

I understand how difficult it has to be to get an IM at all hours of the day to intervene - transport to school, exchanges, etc. In all of this tho, are you doing enough for you>

Please take care and prayers,

Tom

Wes, I haven't read through your whole thread tonight but I just wanted to give you a heads up regarding the custody/visitation issue. Even if you don't ACT every time she doesn't abide by the custody order (is there one?) you still need to journal everything. In your journal, you don't want to include your personal feelings, just record the facts.

Ex: 01/01/11: WW was scheduled to pick up boys at 3:00. She arrived at 4:30 with no phone call.

01/05/11: WW kept boys with her on my scheduled visitation day. Message sent through IM.

01/11/11: WW brought the boys home on time today.

Record the good and the bad. You want to appear to just be making a record as opposed to a list of your grievances. You want to be able to establish that she is purposely and blatantly ignoring the Court's order.

THEN, when the time comes and so many violations have occurred, your attorney can take this information and file something for enforcement.

Take the next however many months and make your relationship with your sons even stronger. Become a better man than ever before. Your WW is lost. You have lots to think about and lots of time.

By the way, how did you find out she's pregnant?

Thanks for the comments guys, its all helps greatly.

You raise a interesting question about raising OM child and if the possibility ever occurs can you go fix such a broken marriage?.

When I found out about about her pregnancy (later on that) something inside me died. There has been six months of pain, hurt, longing and hope, but the moment I found out a definitely change happened, as intense as finding out about the initial A.

I cried by myself that night for at least 3 hours straight before sleeping due to exhaustion. It is a pain nobody should ever have to go through and endure. I wasn't only grieving the loss of my marriage but also the simple fact that I had to face the world without the innocent I love. I was bought up to dream, to always have hope, to fight for what you believe in and to wear your heart on your sleeve. This was not the world I was now living in, people do hurt others, some people don't care and I still battle with this everyday.

So was this the ultimate LBer - Yes without a doubt
It is so hard to never be able to ask why? how? when? I have no answers and realize I may never have any.

When I think of my WW, it is just like she has died literally, It has been six months since I have seen the wife I have loved for 15 years. She is emotionless, cold, and expressionless. I don't know this person anymore. It is just that crazy. We were best friends, shared secrets, raised a family, laughed and loved life, or maybe that is just my story and I was naive.

Could I raise the Om's child, it runs through my mind all the time now, but does this ever happen?? Do they ever go back to the BS? For me it would depend on her remorse. I mean I would need to see and feel true remorse, to feel her true total devotion to me and hope for a happy future. I would need to look into her eyes and soul and feel it.

For now however I am confused about my feelings. I hear a song on the radio and my feelings flood back instantly, but are these now fond memories of the past or my true unconditional love for my WW, I'm not sure. Do I now miss my WW or am i just grieving the break down of the family unit. I absolutely loved my family life with her.

I believed so so much in my marriage vows and have been disappointed in some peoples attitude these days towards marriage and complete lack of devotion. I still wear my wedding ring and won't take it off until I am divorced. Some may say this is torture but this is a personal choice.

I have been asked out by 3 ladies since my separation and up until now have said no, but last night I went out with a lady for dinner. She knows what I have been through and knows 100% that I am not in anyway interested in a relationship other than friendship. We laugh, chatted and were quite open about life.
It was great to have the companionship of another lady and at the end of the night she said "Wes, don't sell yourself short, you have so much to offer" It made me feel great. The first time in a long time. It put some hope again that things will be ok regardless of my WW and her decisions and that there still was great people out there.

I will always be open to going to councilling with my WW, to try and fix a marriage so we will see what the future holds.

Wes

It is WRONG to date while you are still married. Don't go the wayward route. You will have plenty of time to date someone AFTER YOU GET DIVORCED(if that is what happens).

Come on, you don't need me to tall you this. You KNOW this.

You state that you are going to keep your wedding ring on until you are divorced and then the next paragraph is about the "lady" that you went out on a DATE with. AHHHHHHHHH Listen up. You can leep that wedding ring on, or take it off, it is a SYMBOL. It is about the ACTIONS that you take. That "lady(OW)" was on a date. OMG, I can't believe that you didn't see it.

So, NO MORE DATING WHILE YOU ARE STILL MARRIED.

I didn't take off my wedding ring until I had been in Plan B for about 6 months. Everyone takes it off when it is right for them. I had to replace the ring though because it felt weird not having it on my hand anymore. It has been replaced by a family ring containing the birth stones of my 2 children with hearts. It was a great replacement.

WesH,

You are coming to where you need to be. You don't have a choice to make now, but I do believe you will have one in the future. Hence my earlier posts.

You must get emotionally and mentally healthy to face the choices you most likely will have. If for some reason you will not then your life will move on and you will have other OPPORTUNITIES. But, don't forget what you liked and enjoyed. As you stated you enjoyed your marriage and your family don't try to suppress this, but embrace it. It will lead you to where you want to go.

You are doing well WesH, much better than you think. You have had some shattering news, and yet here you stand. You will get through this.

Hang in there.

JL

Hi Guys,

Just a update, its been a good 2 weeks, really settled into Plan B and am amazed at how much clear my mind is and how much more settled I am.

But unfortunately the WW managed to get in touch today.

It wasn't my fault, I am a sales rep so im on my phone all day and she had got a new phone and new number so I just answered the call. It felt absolutely terrible and took me back to that place again. I made the call super quick and shut her down (she was talking something about the kids but to tell you the truth i was in shock to hear from her and not listening)

I then sent her a real quick text once again tell her not to contact me and was really quite blunt. Her response was

"Wes our marriage just didn't work, i miss my friend (being me) but can't have both, best you hate me"

Anyway back to Plan B after this hiccup, I now have her new number blocked.