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This is probably common sense/common courtesy, but new to the whole dating thing, I simply don't know how to do it:

I've gone on a few dates with this woman I met at the shelter (we were both volunteering on Thanksgiving). She's really nice and we had really fun times, a couple of nice dinners and conversation then went shopping together which we both hate so made it fun for each other.

Unfortunately, I don't really feel like I want to go out with her anymore. She lives really far away and even though I'm drawn to her, the distance is a little too much to overcome. I can't drive an hour to date someone, sorry, I drive enough for my job. Maybe I'm a terrible person.

Anyway, not sure how to express this to her. I don't want to be a jerk about it. And, no, we weren't physical (just a few kisses smile ).



Opt

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Hey Opt, good to hear from you and hope you have great Holiday plans with the little ones.

Not that I'm necessarily the one to be giving dating advice, but here is my perception. You are just in the "casually dating" zone now. It is expected that you will go out with a variety of women, some leading to more dates and others not. I think everyone knows this mindset going in.

That being said, if there isn't a spark or potential after 1-3 dates, there is nothing wrong with just letting things die on the vine. If you are to the point where you are calling each other once or more times every day, then maybe an explaination is in order. Otherwise, just let things die on the vine. Contact her less and less frequently, don't extend any other invitations for dates.

When things are still this casual, you don't owe any explainations nor are they wanted. This is just dating and everyone should understand.

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I'd let her know it's the distance, not anything wrong with her. She should understand. I commute 100 miles/day for my job and I have no desire to commute for anything else. People can understand...or not. smile


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Thanks guys. I think she'll understand. Or not. smile
Let's just say I'm glad things didn't move too "quickly" as this could have been much more difficult. I think I'm starting to get it.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

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Originally Posted by optimism
Let's just say I'm glad things didn't move too "quickly" as this could have been much more difficult. I think I'm starting to get it.

Bingo! You definitely got it!

AGG


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Merry Christmas to everyone here too!


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santa001

Merry Christmas Opt!!!!

I hope your holiday was a good one for you and the kiddo's....you're a good man!!!!! May this year bring you the joy and peace you deserve!!!

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"I hope your holiday was a good one for you and the kiddo's....you're a good man!!!!! May this year bring you the joy and peace you deserve!!!"

Thanks NOT!! You too, I hope you had a great Christmas and best wishes for the new year!

I had the kids for Christmas eve and we had a great time far far away, went to a nice Christams Mass and then came home.I forgot to call their Grammy (my MIL) to do the traditional reading of Night Before Christmas. I simply forgot. I feel kinda bad, but hey the kids never mentioned it, not once. I still am completely unmotivated to make contact with any of my ex-in-laws. I just see no need. Maybe I'm a terrible person; some of them I actually liked. I just want to move on. The kids have total access to wexw's family, so it's not like I'm depriving them.

Anyway I'm rambling. We opened presents on Christmas morning then I dropped them at their Granpa's around noon. Went for a nice solo walk in the woods on the way home. I'm going to keep that tradition, it was great.

Met up with a nice woman later in the afternoon for a little open house thing. I've known her for a while but only as an acquaintance. We've had a couple nice dates, dispensing with a lot of the get-to-know-you basics since we worked in the same office for a while and have a sense of each other's general personality. Trying to go slow and be cautious, but I do sense something special about her. smile

My pool team made it to the playoffs! Yeh, pretty sure this year's going to be better than last, lol.

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Quote
[Dec 25] Met up with a nice woman later in the afternoon for a little open house thing. I've known her for a while but only as an acquaintance. We've had a couple nice dates, dispensing with a lot of the get-to-know-you basics since we worked in the same office for a while and have a sense of each other's general personality. Trying to go slow and be cautious, but I do sense something special about her.


So I�ve promised a couple posters an update so here goes.

I�ve been dating a woman (same as mentioned in above quote) for several weeks. She is someone who I was planning to ask out eventually and the opportunity arose in December when I ran into her at a Christmas party. We knew of each other as we work for the same company and she was in the same office as me for a little while last summer. At the time I was going though the divorce and obviously not putting myself out there - she was also very respectful of my situation - something that would later play huge in my perception of her.

We work in different offices so I don�t see her at work so potential interoffice drama is minimal; its an environment where people are out in the field most of the time anyway.

She�s the 4th woman I�ve been out with since the D. I�m still ever wary of the rebound effect so I�m trying to be realistic.

Anyway. So far so good. She�s about my age, her kids are 19 and 20 with one out of the house the daughter in college. She�s been divorced about 10 years, dated her share and almost got married again.

We get along very well. I know this is anti-MB, but after our a little while I had no desire to see anyone else. I knew I would have a good time with her so whenever I could go out I would ask her. We go out 2-3 nights a week now. We text or call every day.

This woman is extremely compassionate and sincere and thoughtful. She understands my situation and loves that I am so committed to my kids (even though those 3-4 days of not seeing each other is getting more difficult).

What I like about her is that she is very comfortable with her self and has worked through a whole bunch of the issues that go along with being married and divorced with an alcoholic. She has boundaries and has made it clear that what I see is what I get. She told me the other night that if I discovered something I couldn�t live with then we would just move on an �it�s been an incredible few weeks.�

She�s also sensitive and completely honest and fills me with a desire to protect her. It�s been a long time since I felt this way about a woman.

The infatuation stage rocks!

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Congrats on the developing relationship, Opt.

You're right, the infatuation stage definitely rocks, so enjoy it while keeping a realistic view of the future in perspective.

We're still in the parallel universe thing, just I'm a couple of months ahead of you in my current relationship. Totally understand about getting pressure about not being available when you have the kids. It's been the biggest source of internal conflict for myself, an some external. My girlfriend has been spening a good deal of time with me and the boys when I have them, like dinner and movies once a week and yesterday we all went for a nice hike together, but we both miss the more intimate time for just us when the boys are around, especially her. Just a heads up, it may turn into more of an issue, but the fact that your lady has been on her own for 10 years may work in your favor there and she may be able to keep a more patient perspective.

I like her healthy attitude about just moving on if there are issues you both cannot live with. I had the very conversation with my lady just last week. We both know that the potential road blocks to a future together are the fact that I have young children, and my unavailability to just take off or travel for weeks at a time.

I told her if it became apparent that we couldn't work through these, that I love her enough to let her go with just a pleasant goodbye and lovely memories. She actually took a little offense at that, asking "wouldn't you fight for me?". I responded that I would indeed fight if I thought that she could be happy with me and my situation, but would not fight if I KNEW that she could not.

Sounds like you are on a good road, Opt, enjoy!

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Originally Posted by optimism
It�s been a long time since I felt this way about a woman.

The infatuation stage rocks!
Congratualtions, opt! What comes through in your update is that she seems to feel very much the same about you!

I guess this is why you're able to help me along on my own stumbling, hesitant thread.

smile


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Opt,
It sounds great, I also like her healthy attitude! Enjoy!


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Originally Posted by Sh2p
We're still in the parallel universe thing, just I'm a couple of months ahead of you in my current relationship. Totally understand about getting pressure about not being available when you have the kids. It's been the biggest source of internal conflict for myself, an some external. My girlfriend has been spening a good deal of time with me and the boys when I have them, like dinner and movies once a week and yesterday we all went for a nice hike together, but we both miss the more intimate time for just us when the boys are around, especially her. Just a heads up, it may turn into more of an issue, but the fact that your lady has been on her own for 10 years may work in your favor there and she may be able to keep a more patient perspective.

Shtoop, You helped me alot about what to expect with the mixing GF and kids thing. The custody schedule was different this week due to I'm taking a little trip to my hometown and so xww took a trip of her own. Anyway it worked out that I wouldn't be able to see GF for a week and that just wouldn't work so she stopped by for a very casual visit with her daughter on Friday night. My D8 had her little friends over so it was a relaxed and fun environment. S14 came home from a HS bball game later and just had the introductions which was fine. Point is I knew there were plenty of considerations based on your experience so....thanks!

@Fred, not sure how you picked up on that but, yeah, she kinda likes me blush . Thing is that she came out with it that she had had a "crush" on me since the summer but I would have never known because she NEVER let it show. When I found that out of course it endeared me to her a lot because it showed her boundaries and that she would never mess with someone who was separated. I literally had no idea she thought of me as anything more than another person in the office.
And for the record I don't really see you as stumbling Fred I think you're doing great.

@ KC, thanks! Fortunately she's still quite devoted to her kids as well so when I have my kids she has plenty to keep her busy. Her attitude keeps me in check b/c it's easy to get carried away -- I really like her.

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Opt- so glad to hear things are going well for you, you deserve it!

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Opt- I have read your story and I just want you to know that I absolutely dread the dating scene. Use to have fun with it when I was in college but that was 12 years ago. I am just about divorced (wife filed 3 months ago and we are just about done with the entire process) and I know that dating again is something that looms in my future but I about have panic attacks when I think about it too much!!! Ha ha....However, keep posting your stories....I'm learning a lot from you and Fred. You guys rock! Can't wait to be where you guys are. Seems like you are having fun and are at peace with your life. I'm just now trying to get off of the rollercoaster and "restarting" my own life....Still not sure why I stopped it in the first place, but when you are married and committed it seems like the right thing to do at the time....Live and learn, eh? Anyway, as i said, keep it coming. You are inspiring me to move forward.


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Opt - I couldn't be happier for you. Thanks for the update!! Remember how scary it felt pre-divorce - "will I ever find another woman?" And look at you now!! I wish you nothing but the best - you deserve it, bud.

Remember to pay it forward on this site (advice-wise)! There's a lot of BH's here lately, and they need us to help guide them. A lot of the BWs here try to help them, but we need a larger male presence to help give a Y-chromosome perspective to the hurting guys out there (and sometimes to counter the "marriage at all costs" attitude of some of the more rabid MB'ers). We guys are a different species and have different needs, fears, and mental roadblocks than BWs have.

Onward to a more fulfilled, richer life!


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Originally Posted by Cardman
Opt- I have read your story and I just want you to know that I absolutely dread the dating scene. Use to have fun with it when I was in college but that was 12 years ago. I am just about divorced (wife filed 3 months ago and we are just about done with the entire process) and I know that dating again is something that looms in my future but I about have panic attacks when I think about it too much!!! Ha ha....However, keep posting your stories....I'm learning a lot from you and Fred. You guys rock! Can't wait to be where you guys are. Seems like you are having fun and are at peace with your life. I'm just now trying to get off of the rollercoaster and "restarting" my own life....Still not sure why I stopped it in the first place, but when you are married and committed it seems like the right thing to do at the time....Live and learn, eh? Anyway, as i said, keep it coming. You are inspiring me to move forward.

Cardman, guess what!? I've been in your shoes too. And I couldn't IMAGINE dating again - panic attacks? Check, check, and check! But life on the other side is more beautiful than I ever dared to hope. I just tried to focus on my personal recovery, got some therapy, leaned on my family and friends, prayed, and repeated my mantra of "Living well is the best revenge" whenever I was hurt or angered by my WXW.

The high road is the best road, and it takes a strong man to stay on it.... even when it feels like you're being "weak" by not responding in anger, resist the temptation to lash out. True strength comes in the form of self-control, and "turning the other cheek".

I'm excited for what the future holds for you.


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Arpeggi- I'm not going to hijack Opt's thread anymore (or at least try not to :)))) and I really know i need to start my own thread but I am still in the rollercoaster stage of the emotions (angry one minute, happy the next, etc.) but that is getting better. I am now spending 75% of my time thinking about MY future instead of worry about still pleasing the WW and trying to save something that is pretty much over! I've done my best to save it. Tried to go plan A (mostly) and now am in plan B for the most part. Through it all I have tried my best to take the high road and yet STBXW still finds a way to turn it all around and make me out to be the bad guy....Never thought they could be so ruthless and still wonder how anyone can be so self-centered. I am doing everything that the good people on here have done to try to aid and speed up my recovery. Church (STBXW didn't want to go anymore and for some reason I quit when she did), started reconnecting with friends, have been speaking to my school counselor (I'm a teacher) and it's amazing how much it helps because her sister and brother have both divorced. Started training for my first marathon. Looking for new jobs to get out of this town (this is her hometown). etc. etc. etc. Even been dreaming of my own home and being able to do the things that I want with it when my current house finally sells (however in this economy that is a scary thing and I wonder how long I will be broke on this). At least I know that I am not ready to date for a while (and I won't until the divorce is final anyway). I have a good excuse! I am broke! Barely scraping by!!!! Anyway, enough of hijacking Opt's thread. I'll continue to observe the good men and women in this forum and their progressions through the dating/divorced life. At least I understand that I am not alone!!!!


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Originally Posted by Cardman
Never thought they could be so ruthless and still wonder how anyone can be so self-centered.
Hey Cardman, a shout out to you!

Here's a little tidbit that helped me:

It no longer matters what the WS thinks of you.

Get it? It works both ways, too.

Many years ago, there was a comedian who speculated on what aliens might think about us.

Quote
"Earth??? I stepped in Earth!"


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Originally Posted by Cardman
Arpeggi- I'm not going to hijack Opt's thread anymore (or at least try not to :)))) and I really know i need to start my own thread but I am still in the rollercoaster stage of the emotions (angry one minute, happy the next, etc.) but that is getting better. I am now spending 75% of my time thinking about MY future instead of worry about still pleasing the WW and trying to save something that is pretty much over! I've done my best to save it. Tried to go plan A (mostly) and now am in plan B for the most part. Through it all I have tried my best to take the high road and yet STBXW still finds a way to turn it all around and make me out to be the bad guy....Never thought they could be so ruthless and still wonder how anyone can be so self-centered. I am doing everything that the good people on here have done to try to aid and speed up my recovery. Church (STBXW didn't want to go anymore and for some reason I quit when she did), started reconnecting with friends, have been speaking to my school counselor (I'm a teacher) and it's amazing how much it helps because her sister and brother have both divorced. Started training for my first marathon. Looking for new jobs to get out of this town (this is her hometown). etc. etc. etc. Even been dreaming of my own home and being able to do the things that I want with it when my current house finally sells (however in this economy that is a scary thing and I wonder how long I will be broke on this). At least I know that I am not ready to date for a while (and I won't until the divorce is final anyway). I have a good excuse! I am broke! Barely scraping by!!!! Anyway, enough of hijacking Opt's thread. I'll continue to observe the good men and women in this forum and their progressions through the dating/divorced life. At least I understand that I am not alone!!!!

Cardman, start your own thread. Copy and paste this post into a new thread because I have some things to say, but I'm not gonna until it's YOUR thread.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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