I completely understand how you feel, even though I'm not divorced and trying to date yet.

I still have feelings, deep ones, for my husband. It wasn't until after I lost him, that I truly appreciated the things he did that gave me feelings of love for him. So, it's hard for me to think about wanting to be with anyone else right now. There are a lot of things I love about my husband, that no one else will be able to duplicate.

Do you find yourself comparing your new dates to your ex-wife? If so, I can see where that's a problem.

The only way I know how to solve that, is to not date for awhile longer until you've let go of your ex more.

Also, no two people are ever going to be the same. So if you find yourself comparing your new dates, with your ex, you need to try not to do that. Have an open mind that this new person may have qualities that you could fall in love with, if you give it some time, and you don't compare.

Just allow yourself to enjoy the moment with who you are with, with an open mind, and try to get to know them better. They just might surprise you.

What I've learned about romance is..........

- Initial chemistry is important.
- Seeing if you can meet each other's needs is important, while knowing that the need meeting should be a gift, and not a demand. It's like icing on your cake, a cake (you) that doesn't need the icing, but the added value is nice to have.
- Both people need to be willing to negotiate issues so that you don't get stuck on issues.
- Basic acceptance for who that person is. You can't try to change another person, only yourself.

At this point in your life, maybe dating can wait for a little while. Maybe just pick some activities to do in an environment where there are other women that you could enjoy their company, without any pressures.

And this could be as simple as you haven't met anyone yet that floats your boat enough. Maybe they're just not right for you.

We will see, I hope that is what the problem is. Maybe the saying is true, they come along when you are not looking.

This has been my experience.

But look how well that worked for me!

Sorry MJ but I think this is a major flaw in your thinking and will weigh you down for some time to come. It is unhealthy to you to romanticize your WXH in this way. Saying this to yourself, you are just convincing yourself of it's truth and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are loads of good guys that can give you everything and more that your WXH ever did (added bonus of being faithful as well). But as long as you keep up with this stinkin' thinkin' you will never have a chance to discover them.

@NWO - Have you ever considered that perhaps you are self-sabotaging these new relationships because you are scared to get to close to somebody new? Let's face it, you have been through a tremendous amount of pain and hurt based on the actions of your WXW. Who would want to put their heart out there again anytime soon and run the risk of it getting stomped on again? I say this because I think I have been doing this myself. I'm not really giving new women that I meet a true chance and I'm finding reasons to not let things get too intimate. If you are reaching the 1-2 month mark and then pulling back then this could be exactly what is happening. You may be using your WXW as an 'out'. If you hold her up for comparison it gives you a reason to pull back on the new girl.

Trust me NWO, there are many women out there that you can fall deeply in love with. You just have to be willing to take the proverbial leap of faith. I'm struggling with it also but now that I recognize it, I am pushing through it. You can do it too.

Something to consider....

Thanks mindshare, and I see your point. I have not been comparing them to her, but it is possible that I don't want to open myself to anyone yet. I find little things getting on my nerves very easily, so I think it has something more to do with me not finding that right person yet.

I will definitely consider everything you said though.

Thanks Mindshare. I do catch myself romanticizing him, and I'm doing it less as time goes on. When I look at the facts and reality, he's far from my illusions.

I will have an open mind when it comes to other men.

Everyone has to go at their own pace, but try to gradually move past your fears bit by bit. Everything seems to have polar opposites, and the opposite of risk is reward.

I think I am just going to fly low for now. Tired of the whole building relationship part. I think it is just too much work for me sometimes....

No way,
Maybe you're right, maybe you haven't met the right one yet. When I was married to my late husband, we both put great effort into our relationship, but it didn't FEEL like effort, you know? We WANTED to, we loved each other, we clicked, we KNEW the other was "the one", just no doubts in our minds! When it's like that, you just know. It was all so perfect...and so wonderful.

Kayc,

I know exactly what you mean. It needs to feel natural for it to work. I believe that the chemistry needs to be there pretty much right away.