Thinking of you and your friend on Thursday Scotty, it is going to be a tough day. My condolences for your loss.

Scotty, I hope everything is going well with you. I've missed seeing you around on the board.

Scotty, I am so sorry for your loss.

Don't worry H&G, I am around. I read all of the time, and I post when I see somewhere that I can help. It is true that I am not around as often as before, but I need to find balance. Sometimes, we need to take a bit of a break from the boards to sort through our own mess. I have ALWAYS helped others with their problems so I didn't need to look at myself. I have been looking within a lot lately.

DS8 was not excited about his birthday last week. He said that he missed his daddy too much to be excited. After his party, he said that he had his best birthday ever. Bampot actually remembered the correct day this year. Bampot also bought him a cake in the shape of a giant blue Lego block. DSx2 brought home the leftovers, THREE pieces. It was offered to me, I declined. Apparently, Bampot bought it from a lady he works with who also makes cakes.

DS10 has had some real anger towards Bampot lately. It started a couple of weeks ago, when Bampot was making cookies with OWD12 and DSx2 asked if they could help too. Bampot said, "No." DSx2 were very hurt by it. They told me about it. I told DS10 that he should tell Bampot. He said that he is also mad at Bampot for leaving and continuing his affair. He has decided that he won't answer the phone every time that Bampot calls. I have now fully removed myself from their relationship. It's hard because I don't want them to lose their relationship with Bampot, but it isn't up to me anymore. ARGH. I just hope that enough of my DH is left inside Bampot to keep that relationship going.

Now off to read, I got the next 2 Harry Potter books and they are bigger so I gotta get a move on.

Be very careful with those bigger Harry Potter books Scottie. My OS read the entire "Deathly Hollows" in one sitting...as in, he sat up ALL NIGHT and finished it. (He was in college then, so pulling an "all-nighter" wasn't that tough-and it was summer so he was on break).

Scotland, I love Harry Potter. JK Rowling is single-handedly responsible for my love of the fantasy genre.

I hope Bampot wakes up to the damage he's doing to your DSx2 soon. Have you considered counseling for your DS's? I've encouraged my DS to speak to his high school counselor, but he doesn't want to talk about it with a stranger.

Strangely, my WH seems to be waking up to what he's doing to our DS because of DS's refusal to spend the night with him. He told DS that he would stop pressuring him to spend the night for the time being--that he didn't want him to feel stressed. It's almost as though he's undergone a partial cranial rectumotomy. Maybe he heard the words he was trying to say to DS: "She's nice--you'd like her." and "It (the affair) was the right thing to do but it was the wrong time to do it." He also said, "Don't I deserve happiness?" Hopefully he realizes that his happiness doesn't stack up when compared to the happiness of everyone else, including his children.

My DS has gone through a lot, especially since earlier this month when WH filed for divorce. He missed a few assignments in school and actually told one of his teachers the reason why. DS hasn't really opened up and told anybody about what's been going on, so this is a big step for him.

I read earlier today what you said on someone else's thread about being careful about what you say to your children about the WS. I need to work on this. I always err on the side of saying nice things about WH, but I do sometimes vent to him also. It's tough not having another adult around to bounce my frustrations off. Mostly, DS and I remember the good times (before the A) and laugh about family jokes. We miss WH.

This reminds me of how I was planning to explain my leaving my wife becouse of her drinking problems to my little children. My daughter at the time was only 3 years old, and wife was pregnant for my son, and it was extremely painful trying to get Wife to do something about her drinking and watching both our lives, and our childrens future, go down the drain of what I can only describe as a self-indulgent and desparate sickness.

My Wife had slowed down and seemed to have stopped drinking, she was going to church and thrown herself into that relationship. She had also been praying for reconciliation for us. That had gone on for 1 1.2 years while I was gone, and I had allready moved onto another relationship that I was not able to commit to, because I could not with good conscience. The new relationship was suffering naturally because of that, and I was very confused on what to do.

My wife did not get it that if she would have just went to AA, and stopped being so desparate to reconcile what I knew was our bad relationship that that I might have some faith that she would take care of herself. that any love she had for me was out of respect for herself, not feeling sorry for herself and being out of control. It was painfully obviuos to me that she did not love me, but only a reflection of a dream that I was able to "fix" all the things that had gone wrong with her life. She didn't really love me for who I was, just who she thought I could be in her fantasy. If the fantasy was removed, she would not love me anyways once she realized she didn't need me, never did. It was a two edged sword, but I was trying to set her free, even though I loved her, but I felt that it was the right thing to do. I expressed this many times to her, but she couldn't see it. All I knew was that in order for her to get help, she would have to hate me and move on. There was no middle ground for her, no grey area, and she could not see that her alcoholism was not excused by God as she hoped, not in the reality of the fact it was killing her, and making all her nightmares come true. If I was gone, she would only see her rejection, and would teach my children that I didn't love her, instead of taking any responsibility for her own issues.

I don't want to get into all the details, but I wondered what would happen to my children, if this continued in thier lives. How would anybody be able to explain this to them?

Was it true that I was running away from the responsibility I had to them? They could not figure this all out, they were little children. They love both of thier parents reguardless of thier flaws. They needed to be loved that way too, and a father who would reject thier mother, would reject them too if they were not "perfect". I knew to well what that felt like as a child. My wife was a victim of parents that lived in that selfish fantasy, would I let the emotional abuse continue because I didn't have the guts to stay in the crap with them?

I slept with Her, I married her, I created the children with my wife, and they would have no chance if I didn't return and try now. At least she had stopped drinking, was sorry for what it had done to me, and if the word of God had anything to do with straighting me out in my life, maybe thier was hope in that She would see fighting the effects on what her life had dealt her, and the alcoholism.

My biggest concern was that my children would not have anyone in thier lives that would support them emotionally, that it would scar them, and not allow them to grow as I knew they had the capacity to. As many do, and are so scarred, by thier parents, as my wife was also.


Kids don't care what mistakes we make, they still love us, and they feel more than they think, and see our actions and take it personally. As ill-equipped as I was to handle what I came back to, and with all the mistakes I made trying to recover, I will never regret going back and trying to make it work. They are better off today because of it, and I pray they will not ever have to know what I went through. They still love thier Mom, got to see some wonderful parts of her before she relapsed, and have to suffer enough in that.

I know that you and DS are suffering in what your going through, I pray you find the Grace in understanding and can help your son in that also. I am sure you will.

Fwiw, Scotty, my ds who is 12 has ZERO relationship with his dad (my xwh).

Kids sadly see the truth, and they learn and maneuver their lives knowing this. My ds now considers my H (we married last summer) his dad since he's been there for him the last 3 years, faithfully.

Your wh is trying to delicately balance his two lives and he can't. He can't be parent to her kids, while HIS own children know why those kids are there, it's because of an immoral affair.

Kids are smart too. They see life much clearly sometimes than adults too. More black and white, and less grey. My son knows what his dad has done, sees how his dad messed up another marriage (the ow is now divorcing him) and hates him for it.

His grades also slipped a bit in the first 9 weeks of school this year (when he found out ow was divorcing his dad and that he wouldn't be seeing his half sister as much anymore). But we worked through it, have allowed my ds to open up and talk about things, and just been there, very much there for him. His grades went back up, he's having fun now, and is going back to playing baseball this spring.

Affairs, and addictions, hurt kids. Why? They remove the parent from being a parent and the kids only get a percentage of the parent they once had before. My son got maybe 30% of his dad after our divorce. Now my son wants 0%.

Kids are also smart and they will let the ws know they are angry. Sadly, some ws will ignore it or do as one poster here sadly said "don't I deserve to be happy" give the kids a sappy, poor excuse for their bad behaviors.

Just be there for your sons Scotty! You're doing great.

It's kinda funny how they came home with only 3 slices of birthday cake from the childs' own birthday party. Selfishness of waywards i guess. Kinda low to keep the slices from a childs' birthday cake for themselves.

And my condolences to you for the loss of your family friend.

Actually Peachy, that was all of the cake that was left. And I really wish it would have stayed out of the house. It just brought up too much inside me. And it wasn't a party, it was just Bampot, DSx2, OWD12 and OW. DS10 said later that he didn't even think that OW and OWD ate any of the cake. It was the day after DS8's bday.

DSx2 are not telling Bampot that they are mad at him. As a matter of fact, Bampot called them every night this week, DS10 didn't answer 1 time(Monday he didn't want to, and the rest of the time he wasn't home for the phone call). So this morning, Bampot called at 9am. He only talked to DS10 for about 5 minutes. He told DS10 that he just wanted to make sure that they were okay. So he got his "fix" and then he went on with his other life.

This is a thread that Pepperband started today, and I have a feeling it had to do with ME.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=2469581&nt=2&page=1

I understand why Pep would do this, and why it is important. Thank you for trying to help me and for being a friend.

You know (something fun and positive) what I do during the month of ds' birthday? We have the "pick the dinner" night for him once a week. That's always fun.

Sometimes we'll do breakfast for dinner (bacon and belgium waffles), sometimes it's burgers. But that is always fun and makes the birthday fun last a little longer.

What fun things are ya'll going to do this weekend? One more day left

We actually only get one weekend day every 2 weeks together and that was today. We had a sleepover in Mommy's room, they woke up at 7am and came downstairs to play video games. I got to sleep in until 830 when DS8 came into my room to watch TV with me. When it was his turn to play on the computer, I was left to watch TV alone. We watched a movie together tonight. We do movie nights and family game nights. We have fun together. It doesn't make them miss Bampot any less, but I do what I can. They have a PD Day on Monday though. Plans? Clean the house. Sounds fun eh? HEHEHEHEHE

Don't you also find that helping others reinforces your own understanding of these solid, proven concepts? That's a key benefit for me. (Giver and taker always at work )

Regardless of the reason, I have appreciated your help.

Your words to me about going dark Plan B with my (ex)sister really spoke to me, and I remember them regularly. WWSD? (What Would Scotty Do?) Ha. Silly but true.

As a result, I've had more peace about taking care of me and not being anxious about ... stuff. Which is great because I'm not an anxious person and wasn't enjoying living life with anxiety.

Thank you!

Oh Delta, I am sorry but I laughed when I read your post. NOT because it was funny, but because I say this too, only it is WWPD(What would Pep Do?) She thought it was funny and now I see why. You are welcome.

I do believe that when you teach someone, you learn more about that subject as well. I wasn't only talking about MB though. I have ALWAYS helped others to the disadvantage of myself and to avoid my own problems. I am learning how to find balance now.

Thank you Delta.

I dunno if everyone who follows my thread also read that other thread about the love a BS keeps for a WS during Plan B. Well, it really made me think.

Mulan, you made some EXCELLENT points which actually helped me enormously. I realized that I didn't need to think about the fact that I still had love for Bampot. I just need to accept that I did and move on anyways. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Thank you.

MarriedForever, you I wanna kick(in a good way ). I was unable to sleep until late last night because I kept thinking about what you said. I kept thinking about how it was the fantasy of Bampot that I was in love with and not really him. I am examining that. Could that be true? Is that what it is? I dunno. So I wrote the longest journal entry that I have written in a LONNNNNNGGGGG time. I made a list of who Bampot IS. The first thing on that list was, "Liar" and the thing is, I can't even tell you WHEN that started. Did he ALWAYS lie to me? Was NOTHING a truth?

Thank you also to everyone else who took time out to help nudge me in the right direction. You guys ROCK.

Look at me, a work in progress.

Scotty;

Wayyyy back when -- in the first month or two of you posting here, you said something that really struck me. And yanno, its something that I have heard from many other BS's. But with you -- there was such a emphatic suredness behind your voice, that it really struck me.

You said that if you and Bampot divorced, you would NEVER date or marry again.

At the time, it made me sad for you. And I sort of hoped that it was just the emotion that you were going through at the time - and that eventually you would see that you could have a great future including a loving relationship regardless of your status with Bampot and marital recovery.

But maybe you need to revisit that.

Do you feel that you are still in love with Bampot, simply because you do not recognize the possibility of anything else?

You have learned mad-skillz Scotty. You could be a kick-[censored] wife -- even if Bampot is not your husband. Do you recognize that?

I am in NO WAY advocating that you give up on Bampot, or that you should get out there and date. I just think this might be something for you to ponder.

I know right? I told you you were my mentor like it or not.

Lexxxy, I have thought often about those things as well. I KNOW that I could be a spectacular wife to someone. I still only see myself as Bampot's wife though. The funny thing is that I AM starting to see that I could possibly be in love with someone else. A very small possibility, but it IS there. That would be something I could think about WAYYYYYYYY in the future. It is something I remember reading about 6 months ago, about having to change a buyer into a renter.

I will admit that I am saddened by the fact that I have learned about MB and how to have a happy, spectacular, romantic marriage and I have no one to have it with, but I am CERTAIN that I can help others achieve their own. In my weakest moments, I sometimes wish that Bampot would come home so we could experience that type of marriage. But then I remind myself that he isn't here. He is with OW and he has changed.

So onward and upward. I keep trudging on and I make my life the best it can be. I honestly feel better than I have in a LONGGGG time.

scotty i don't post on here all that often. I read your thread because i wish i could of been as strong as you are. I do believe you are a very strong woman. I know that with a young child to have completely dark plan b is very hard. I have a 3 year old who LOVES her daddy and talks about her adventures there when she comes back. I am not sure how to tell a 3 year old no at this point but try not to take.

As for the love for a ws.... it does dull over time. I am now 3 1/2 years out from DDay and over a year and a 1/4 since the divorce was final and i can say that the love i have left is for the man i had thought my xh was/who i wanted him to be. It is NOT who he is. I love watching you grow. Your an amazing woman and mother and you have so much to be proud of!!!