Ok, I get the concept but (you knew there was a 'but' coming) what else is there for me to say to her? Threaten contact with a divorce when she could easily run back to him? Do it anyways?

For example, here's the latest issue that I have even though, last night, she promised no contact.

Her only friend left works at the same place that WW and OM did. They talk a lot, but friend doesn't know about the affair or the reason that WW quit. Or, so the WW says.

I told her that her contact with this friend is bad for me because everytime she calls friend she probably thinks of work and then OM. Too, the conversation with the friend could easily shift to OM. I told her that I needed to be able to trust her again and this was one thing holding me back. That I wanted her to do something for me and take the initiative.

So that's how it was left, she responded that friend was her only friend left (pretty much true) and she didn't know what to do but knew that I was right.

How should I have handled that conversation from the beginning? NC with friend or divorce?

Thanks, mb, for walking me through this.

Agreed and sorry for the half-truths (by omission) of a few weeks ago. I know you guys can only help if you get honesty from me.

This is good, but I would have added to it: "WW, one of the things I need in order to feel safe is for you to discontinue the friendship with work-friend. This is one of my requirements in order to heal this marriage."

I don't want to hear her whine about how this is her only friendship. That cuts NO ICE with me. She has few friends because she's a big girl and she chooses that. And I suspect that this friendship developed because they had one thing in common: work.

North, I have a lot of females I am friendly with. I have one friend that I have known for years (we went through the 'baby-raising' era together and became good friends)that I occasionally talk on the phone with. That's about it. So I guess you could say that I have 'one' friend under your WW's definition. And I'd be okay with dropping this 'one friend' of mine if my H perceived her to be any threat to my M.

How is it that this one ex-work friend is a wedge between the two of you?

The bad thing is I actually empathize when she says it's her only friend left BUT you reap what you sow.


1. Because when she calls the work office and asks to speak to friend, she could easily ask to speak to OM.

2. Because when she calls the work office it puts work in her mind and therefore OM. Or, so I'd think.

3. Because she said she contacted this friend yesterday to "tell OM to change the password, he'll know what I mean". I called BS on that and said she must have called him directly, but she insisted and I have no way to prove otherwise. I do know that she didn't call OM on her cell at that time, but there was a call made to friend's cell at that time.

4. Because I cannot say for sure that friend doesn't know of the affair. Seriously, they worked together, how would she not have picked up on something? I just don't want to take the chance that this friend, who is married w/kids, is an enabler--either intentionally or accidentally.

Letter for OM's parents/sister, what do you think?


Dear ,

It grieves me to write this letter but you should be aware that OM is having an affair with my wife, ___, who worked at ____. We have been married for 10 years and have two children, ages five and three. They have been having this affair since the summer of 2010.

My wife has already quit her job to separate herself from OM. Unfortunately, his continued contact is threatening to break up our marriage and destroy our family.

I would ask that you use your influence with OM to persuade him to leave my wife and family alone. If you have any questions, you can call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Note that I left out the part about evidence. All I really have is some old email addresses, one text and what my wife has told me. By itself, it doesn't look like much and I'd rather not offer that to OM's family. Good or bad idea?

Does it make him sound like a stalker? Since it takes two to tango, I'm not sure about the wording.

What is she, three years old? She'll make new friends.

My quote: I appreciate your answers, but that's not what I meant. I was being facetious. What I meant was that this ex-work friend shouldn't be a part of your healing. She's connected to work. It should be a given that that friendship is over, and WW shouldn't be talking to her.

Good letter -- don't overthink it.
Send. A phone call would be better...

Is he on Facebook?

Talk me into a phone call, please. I'm not seeing how that would go...

I found his sister (?) on facebook and her friends list with a couple of other women with the same last name. I suspect they're cousins and went through all of those people's pages and lists of friends. OM just isn't on there. On the sister's facebook friend list I did see what I believe is OM's ex-wife's facebook page. It's private, so I'd have to send her a message.

I'm inclined to do that on the very off-chance that they aren't actually divorced or actually have children. I was thinking of something like

"My name is _ and my wife worked with OM at ___. Assuming that you are his wife, I'd like to talk to you about their affair."

What do you think?

Ahh, the glory of the internet and typed words! Yes, the thing about the friend really is that simple isn't it.

You could do both.

"Hello, my name is Northwood. I'm the person who sent you the letter regarding my wife's affair with your son. I was hoping I could talk to you about it to see if there is anything you can do to help end this affair."

Just an update here.

Last night I told my wife that I wanted her to write OM a NC letter so that the door could be closed. She hesitated, sensing that it would make it "really" over and permanent. I pressed the issue and she resigned and said "fine, I'll do it."

I said "Sorry, but you have to WANT to write it and not do it because I'm making you." I added that I expected her to commit to it and that I wouldn't be in a marriage where OM was present.

I said that by not writing that letter, it's as though you're leaving an escape route open or something and I'm not going to be second choice while you have a backup plan available. I said it was like me keeping a pack of cigarettes in a drawer "just in case" my quitting didn't work. I said you're going to have to close that door for this to work and left her to think about it.

Well, she did. I came home for lunch and she had a handwritten note that she showed me. It is perfect--short and to the point. Even better, I had no input on it but was going to bring it up again tonight if she hadn't said anything by then. She gave me a big hug and it seems like something has lifted between us. We'll see, but I'm cautiously optimistic about where we're at today. It's the old "fool me once" saying.

UA time, over the past few days, seems to be getting easier and I think we're making progress in keeping to our schedule despite the two young ones.

So, should I still send those letters to OM's family? If so, I'd want to tweak them to say that W has told OM to leave her alone and that we'd appreciate their help in getting OM to commit to that. It'd still be my final F-You to OM.

Or, do you think me contacting OM's family would cause him to try to reach out to W?

I'm trying to think it through before I act.

Yes I am all for sending the letters to his family it helps ensure he gets the message and his family are fully aware of your wife recommitting to you plus the OM can never deny to his family that he did not know. Post the updated letters here if you want the wording checked.

I would be surprised he would reach out to your wife if the NC letter has been written correctly.

So how about scheduling a coaching/counseling appointment with the Harley's for you and your wife???

Yeah, I think I'm going to put them in the mail. Why not.

The letter sounded fine to me...

OM,

I have made a decision to stay with my family and kids and work on what I have. You won't be hearing from me again and I know you will respect my request to not contact me. This is the best for everyone involved so that we can all move forward with our lives.

W

I'd love to try this and would have to get really creative in order to pay for, say, weekly sessions. I was trying to think of ways to bring her into the fold without trying to be obvious about it. Perhaps the home-study thing that I've seen advertised?

I might have to play it by ear for a little as I don't think the withdrawal has really hit yet or is over. Know what I mean?

But the first step, UA time, is already in place by joint agreement so I think the rest will follow as long as our little friend stays the h out of our lives. I'll be watching.

If your happy, great...... but this letter sounds pretty lame to me!!!

I'm open to suggestions...it won't go out in the mail until tomorrow.

It's soooo much cheaper than a divorce.... KWIM..

I'm open to suggestions...it won't go out in the mail until tomorrow. [/quote]

I gave you TWO already! One Dr. Harley recommends and one that Schoolbus wrote.

Just give them to her and recommend she try again.

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