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Joined: Feb 2011
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Joined: Feb 2011
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My husband has been having an affair for approx 3 months and is very taken in with this women. I have been soaking up all the information on this website and have been sharing it with my husband of 39 years. He has agreed to read the material and we just completed the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.
We have been having deep emotional conversations since reading the seminar and are slowly making progress. The problem is, he has not made a decision to stop seeing the other women.
My delemna is this. She has been fullfilling his most important emotional needs - affection, conversation etc, while he has a very depleted love bank regarding me. If I ask him to leave until he makes a decision, he will weigh her love bank deposits and my love bank depletions and ultimately choose her.
Confused and afraid to make the wrong decision. Should I let things continue the way they are and continue to build up my own love deposits. Or should i take my chances and ask him to leave
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
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Joined: Oct 2009
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moemarry,
Please ask the moderators to move your post to the "Surviving An Affair" section of the forum. Your marriage isn't in recovery if your husband is still actively in the affair, and besides, that forum gets heavier traffic & will get you advice that's just as pertinent if not more so.
Take note of what my wife said to me on the day I confessed my affair. It's not a love-buster to declare what you won't stand for. You can't fill his love-bank very well if he's allowing her to do most of it; it'll be like trying to pour water into a glass that's already full.
Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
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Joined: Aug 2006
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Hi moe, welcome to MB, I am sorry you are here...there is help available on this site, many of us have saved our marriages thanks to this site and you can too, if you are willing to follow a plan.
First up ~ have you read up on exposure? Exposure is the best weapon you have in your war against this affair. Exposure killed my husband's affair DEAD the day I exposed. Please read up on exposure and begin making your exposure list. We can help you with this but first we need to know:
~have you exposed to anyone yet?
~how did your H and the OW meet? Work, mutual friends, etc.
~do you know who the OW is and is she married?
~do you have children, if so how many and their ages?
Please answer these and we can help you! And yes, click notify on the bottom of your replies and ask the mods to move this to SAA. You will get much more help there.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Posts: 12,357 |
My husband has been having an affair for approx 3 months and is very taken in with this women. I have been soaking up all the information on this website and have been sharing it with my husband of 39 years. He has agreed to read the material and we just completed the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.
We have been having deep emotional conversations since reading the seminar and are slowly making progress. The problem is, he has not made a decision to stop seeing the other women.
My delemna is this. She has been fullfilling his most important emotional needs - affection, conversation etc, while he has a very depleted love bank regarding me. If I ask him to leave until he makes a decision, he will weigh her love bank deposits and my love bank depletions and ultimately choose her.
Confused and afraid to make the wrong decision. Should I let things continue the way they are and continue to build up my own love deposits. Or should i take my chances and ask him to leave Welcome, Moe. Sorry you have to find yourself here, but you're with good people. Question: how much have you shown your H on this site? Has he physically seen the articles and the discussion forum? Can you keep him off this site for awhile? There are some things we'd like to talk to you about as far as ending the affair goes, but we'd prefer to talk to just you for now.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 02/02/11 08:13 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I have been soaking up all the information on this website and have been sharing it with my husband of 39 years. He has agreed to read the material and we just completed the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Hi moemarry, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. This is a waste of time as long as he is having an affair. The affair has to end FIRST before you work on the marriage. I would get rid of the OW. You need to run that ho off. We have been having deep emotional conversations since reading the seminar and are slowly making progress. The problem is, he has not made a decision to stop seeing the other women. If you want to save your marriage, I would expose his affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it wide and far is ruinous to them. Tell everyone. You will RUIN the affair if it is exposed because it will kill the fantasy. Good exposure targets are: 1. your children 2. the OW's Husband, if any, her parents, family and close friends, facebook friends [we have a letter you can use] 3. all of your family, close friends, pastor, if any 4. if a workplace affair, send a letter to the Director of Human Resources and cc a key VP and their bosses Do this with no forewarning, all on the same day so it has tsunami effect on the infidels. Additionally, I would suggest you pay this old skank a personal visit and let her know hell is coming her way. She should hear from you every time she attempts contact. Every time you know of a meeting, go with your H. Show up for their rendevous'. I predict your H will find his affair so much less appealing if everyone knows about it and if you create as much trouble as possible. I would DEMAND that he end his affair and if he doesn't end it with a couple of weeks, pack his bag and escort him to the door. Then it is Plan B time! "The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. "
<snip>
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Kill the affair FIRST, and then you can work on recovering your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
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You'll get it like a broken record until you finally understand the necessity of it.
You can't make any progress or save your marriage unless you expose the affair and end it.
Until then, any conversation is window dressing that really does nothing but waste time.
Expose, without warning, go to no contact, then work on rebuilding.
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 5 |
I have exposed the affair to my children and closest friends. My husband says he has told the ow that we are working on things but he still texts her and talks to her on the phone. Not as ofter and it is getting less each day, but there is still contact. The ow is just someone he met through someone else in our neighborhood. Two doors down from us is a housing complex that has about 200 units for low income families and that is where the ow lives. She is 17 years younger than me (I am 56 and ow is 39, my husband is 57.) She is divorced and has a 4 year old child and 3 other children that are 17 to 21 and still living at home.
My husband has not actually been to this website. I have printed off the material that we have been reading together - So far we have read The Love Bank,Instincts and Habits, The Policy of Unidivided Attention, The Most Important Emotional Needs and filled out the questionaire, although we haven't got through it together to share our most important emotional needs.
Hope this answers all your questions.
Thank you for the support and help
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