Thank you clark kent. You are absolutely right. I am studying Harley's road to recovery and working with my personal therapist.

I understand so much better what was wrong with our marriage. 2009 was a big bad year. I saw her change and check out. I knew in my soul something was wrong.

But I get it. There is a lot more work to do besides exposure. I think you mean the recovery plan. DO you? It will be good to get myself ready for that so I can take charge. That's why holding on to the knowledge until you become "normal" again mentally and physically is important. Its way to early. I am not ready.

Right now its my belief that:
A) She may have never had sex with him. But there was kissing and sneaking around. Proven.
B) She broke contact before 2010 or early in 2010 and we started to work on the marriage... she started to work on herself in more healthier ways than going out to have fun. (involved in church. wrote a full novel)

I am not blindly accepting the above. Working to get information.

If I could suggest you should read up on the 4 Intimate Needs.

She may have never had sex with him.

It may be best for you to cease deluding yourself on this matter. A horned-up middle-aged groupie egged on by psychopathic group of accomplices, alone in a van for an hour with a narcissistic performer......probably were not discussing chords.

Eventually, if you can't get her to admit what did happen, you'll be reduced to a polygraph for the truth. There's time for that, of course. It's important for you to have set in your mind the reality of what happened, so when/if she starts swearing on her children that "NOTHING HAPPENED! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?" there will be no doubt in your mind what she was, and be tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt. All that will do is set the stage for a long, extended trickle-truth ordeal.

Remember Grandpa NeverGuessed's proverb, "If a man and woman could have slept together, they did sleep together!"

A lttlebetter this afternoon. Hopefully a good night sleep tonight.

SPen an hour with my therapist again today. No decisions until I can sleep but....

I am going to want to get this over with sooner rather than later. I feel a need for more evidence. I have enough today but shall collect more.

My therapist made a point that I like: The longer I now keep my secret "that I know" the worse I will feel. Its important that I confront in such a way to explain: I don't want any secrets. I want to be the one who enters OH and the truth.

They get mad sometimes about the snooping but there is no ground to stand on. Especially if you get it over with sooner than later. If I hold my snooping secret for a week or two... that's nothing compared to cheating and unfaithfulness for months. There is no room for indignation against the snooper. I have indignation against the web of co-conspirators that helped her do this to our marriage.

Another point I like: Therapist said, "So you weren't the greatest husband. So you were clueless, distant, awkward, hard to live with. So what she tried for years to break into your head and got frustrated and upset and hopeless. None of my poor husbanding was malicious, or conscious, planned, deliberate, collaborated cheating!"

I think everyone would agree, I can't figure out the end of my plan before I get myself rested.

Because it's been less than 72 hours since I found out. And I have slept approximately 6 hours.

The longer I now keep my secret "that I know" the worse I will feel.

You're just going to have to internalize the need for some "delayed gratification" in this matter. "Leaking" the exposure/confrontation will of itself reduce the impact of the effect, and, worse, give WW the opportunity to "put out" her deceitful version of reality, robbing your action of any effectiveness.

Therapist said, "So you weren't the greatest husband... None of (the) poor husbanding was malicious, or conscious, planned, deliberate, collaborated cheating!"

Your therapist sounds smarter than the norm. Most tend to dribble into the "Well, there were mistakes made on both sides, and........." garbage bin.

Eyes on the prize,s123. Eyes always on the prize.

Yeah Stretch, I like that statement your therapist made too!

Also, to echo an earlier poster, prepare yourself for the likely possibility of discovering that they had sex.

And it will be okay. Just be prepared emotionally. YOU are in control.
Remember, you have a "get out of jail free" card if you decide that you don't want to recover your marriage later. It will probably depend on how she reacts after exposure. Don't wait TOO long before exposing to everyone at the same time - the secret is going to take a toll on your emotional and mental health as you try to keep it in.

DDay Plus 72 hours Updates

Awake at 2AM again. The Ambien did not help. But this will improve. My heart does feel better.

--Enough evidence is saved now that I could handle exposure now if it happened suddenly (ie. my snooping got caught) and I would be ready
--I have allies and advocates (you guys plus my therapist)
--My therapist is excellent (and to think, when she was throwing rocks at my head 1+ yr ago, telling me something was wrong, I was the biggest resistor to therapy. Would not seek help.)
--Confirmed OM name, address, cell phone
--Keylogger is up and running! waiting for first downloads.
--I have a timeline of events, facts, co-conspirators
--Unwise manuever on my part, I conceed, but I do have additional denials.
--I have medical support (Ambien and Xanax) they will eventually start to work. My body has to recover itself any moment. 2AM adrenaline will wear me out physically.
--I have a recording device and know how to use it.
--I have a phone line tap system but hesitate to use it. Very easy to find. That one will wait.
--I have a vision for my marriage recovery. We have a stronger marriage now (do please believe me) and I am a million times better man than I was a year ago.
--I am developing an exposure plan and I know it will not be too long to that day. Probably a matter of weeks.

I do not have:
--All the evidence available.
--mobile phone tracker (but soon)
--Access to cell phone logs from 12+ months ago.
--recordings of co-conspirators
--The recovery plan and all the studying and learning necessary. (see clark kent above)
--Rest. I need a full 8hr sleep.

Friends: There is no way to know how this will end. But I know I will feel better based upon your counseling. Also, please be encouraged for us that we have made tremendous growth in the marriage in recent months. Some of you found recovery, some of you found divorce. But whatever your circumstances, please pray, wish, motivate and believe in our recovery as much as I do. Recently I found myself falling more deeply in love with her and found myself awakening, becoming introspective, becoming a better father, husband, man and really enjoying that. Then this DDay and soon the exposure. Please be motivated with me that we will be in the recovery group, and our marriage can turn the corner after the weight of this secret is gone.

Do not talk about Exposure to WS.

Be prepared for a rough time. Her support network is family and they have been facilitating this.

Remember to keep your eye on the prize.

It is clearly not time yet. I know this to be true.
Just trying to get my head and heart organized.

It appears that she and her friends/family forced closure on this in Nov 2009 (i know.. i know... don't be naive. keep snooping)

But let's say it was Nov 2009. Well, she has had 1+ year to get prepared for this to come to light. She spent all last year writing a cathartic journal about this.

I have had three days. Its crappy. Its not fair at all. Dammit, I am in touch with that anger. My therapist needs me to be angry. I deserve to be angry and hurt! But three days are not enough time. Its not nearly time at all.

btw - clark kent. I get what you mean about Plan A. There is more to do besides exposure. She and her facilitators in all this must make changes. They have lost rights and priveledges. Time for them to make some changes that help our relationship. COnsidering how much I have gone through the past months to work on me... and considering the horrific pain they placed upon me... they have no right to whine about losing some rights and priveledges. Time to change their ways. To lose some freedoms.

Good and bad thing at the same time:
Stepped on the scale and I have lost a lot of weight! (I am not eating much) Let's just pretend that's all a good thing / a silver lining. Please. Let's pretend losing some unneeded pounds is a small positive thing. I am going to choose to be happy about the number I saw on the scale (lower than in 15 years)

Stretch--I'm about 2 1/2 months out of D-Day and I lost more than 10 pounds in the first 2 weeks. I didn't need to lose the weight, but... this kinda thing seems universal.

I am, however, ALL ABOUT the silver linings. As unhealthy as it seems, it's a minor blessing, right? I'm still trying to find as many minor blessings as I can in my life.

Just make sure you're taking care of yourself as best you can--at least get a protein shake now and then, vitamins, or something nutritious to keep you going. I crashed after about 2 weeks (ate a huge meal then slept for probably 16 hours straight) because my body finally screamed "help!" at me.

Thanks for sharing that.

I would be lost without this group. I actually think my wife led me to the site. She is the one that bought "Affair Proof Marriage" at some point in the past year. I started using the website in November and she knew I was here. I remember saying once, "Boy, a lot of the dialogue on the site is for marriages going through an affair. Lot worse off couples than us."

She has practiced poker face for so long. She just said, "Why don't I just let you keep that forum for your own dialogue while we work on our marriage." I think she anticipated exposure a long time ago.

Again, I would be completely lost without you friends right now.

You can use this site as a relief valve to vent off your feelings when things pile up on you. We have all been through various forms of what you're feeling now, and often have an immediate palliative to recommend.

Be Strong.
Be Careful.
Be Vigilant.

Know this: This site is your best chance to turn your situation around.

Just a tangent from a pharmacological nerd - the Xanax and Ambien are conjunctive, short-acting medicines. Dr. Harley recommends betrayed spouses consider taking an SSRI anti-depressant to help with the primary symptoms of going through the painful time of infidelity.

I think you mentioned you are already taking Celexa (citalopram) - is it working for you? If Celexa isn't helping you, consider switching to Paxil (Celexa did NOTHING for me and I took it for over a year, although everyone's brain chemistry is different). Paxil (and Luvox, which is an older SSRI but, like Paxil, very "calming") both worked very well for calming me down long-term, and the Xanax and Ambien helped "fill in the gaps" as needed. A lot of people don't understand that all SSRIs have different mechanisms of action and that Prozac tends to be more "energetic" or "jittery" if you have anxiety like me while Paxil is more of a "sedating", "calming" SSRI.

That being said, Ambien got me to sleep but I would wake up in the middle of the night a lot too the first few weeks. Don't worry - that's normal. You're going through a traumatic experience. If your doctor says it's okay, you may need to take another "1 AM" Ambien.... that's what I did. Just remember it won't last forever - it won't last anywhere CLOSE to forever. Hang in there and know you'll be through the worst of it soon.

What dosage of Xanax / Ambien are you taking?

Best wishes,
Arpeggi

Great advice. I started SSRI Celexa (Citalopram) back in Nov. We were in about month two of the marriage realignment (well I was in month 2... she was in for years) I started at 20mg, just upped to 40mg literally one day before DDay. I think it helps me.

For sleep aid I take Trazodone 50mg (generic for Desyryl). I was crying last night at 11 but managed to fall asleep. WOke up at 4AM.

The Xanax is actually generic Alprazolam .25mg. I took half a pill twice yesterday. Once at 5AM and I got another 4hrs sleep. Once in the afternoon and it did not make me drowsy.

How's that for a recap?

4 days since I found out. I am better than the first few hours and day one. But really hurting.
Being proactive helps. My therapist got approval from my insurance to see me again today (3rd time this week)