Yes. Have IM. Plan to keep him out for good. Just not ready to implement. Waiting to talk to Dr H to see what happened. Told H I would not proceed with anything until he spoke to Dr so I'm keeping promise.

Already met with atty so he knows what's going on. He's just awaiting my call to either do separation or full D. Seems to be on board with doing things slowly - and I liked his approach to D. Not mediation but avoiding trial.

I feel much more confident now - that if H is still possessed by demons, I can move on. Maybe I'll like him again one day, too.

Sounds like a plan!

Best of luck to you. Do you think OW's mom read the letter?

How did you deliver it?

I hope things work out for you. I caution you on the ideas about D. They are never really friendly or nice. Things get out of control once someone asks for something the other one really wants and then it just deteriorates from there.

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has posted to my thread. Your comments have helped tremendously.

Here's an update:

My H moved out over a week ago to live with family. Since then, he and I have been in contact with Dr. H, who suggested that my H call to get an introduction to the MB way. H and Dr. H have spoken 3 times and H seems to be on board. I'm not optimistic yet as he hasn't gone through withdrawal, implemented NC, etc but for me, it's a small step in the right direction. I am 100% prepared to move forward with a full Plan B or even Plan D if needed.

While I have not implemented full Plan B per Dr H's instructions - I have maintained radio silence (only responding to texts about our DD4) but have seen him 2x since his moving out. Once was awful, the other time was better. H keeps bringing up exposure, our relationship etc, and I just nod my head or say "I understand how you'd feel that way." I think he has purposely tried to start fights (about seeing DD4) with me via text message and I am polite but firm.

Here's what I can say with 100% certainty. The best thing I did for myself is ask my H to leave. His A was literally driving me insane. With him gone, I have been able to deal with him in a calm, cool manner. I sleep well, am eating better, and am not obsessing. I am seeing my own therapist and staying busy.

Another thing I did was to leave the process in my H's hands. I'm not talking to him about the A, or his talks with Dr H, or where we stand in the process. He even tried to quote MB material, using ti against me of course!

When he texts me (even if he is mad) I am polite and don't engage. It helps me to picture him as a drunk - I can't reason with him, coerce him or threaten. I can't discuss anything important with him now because he is intoxicated.

Someone had the post about the lighthouse and I have that hanging on my wall. "...you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home...even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that..."

I am wary of FR so I have my non-negotiables. We'll see how he does with the next steps...

FM, I would do this right. This is your best chance of recovery and your best chance at personal recovery. Plan B will make an amazing difference in your emotional stability.

MelodyLane:

I agree - but am following Harley's advice right now. He wants me in a modified Plan A right now while H and Harley spend some time talking. H needs to see a way back home and a vision of our life together which he hasn't had up until now, even though I was in Plan A from Oct - Jan, I guess it didn't all click.

I feel much better with him out of the house - that and the 2 hours of therapy, St John's Wart, yoga, elliptical trainer and a glass of wine now and then!

I gotcha! I had the opposite impression from your post but I see what you mean now. That is great that you have a plan!

Update and Questions for those who've come before me:

Per Dr. H, I'm in a modified Plan A. H (who is living with his parents right now) and I speak infrequently but when we do, it's supposed to be light (no LBs, reiterate my commitment to making marriage work, meet ENs I can). H says his "relationship" with OW is over but he still works with her.

H and I speak with Dr H each week and get homework.

Last week, H came over and asked me what I needed from him to make our marriage work (after apologizing several times for hurting me, etc) and I told him "I don't feel safe with you working with OW." H seemed in shock, although Dr. H had already prepped him - H didn't think I'd ask this of him. I also gave him SAA (not sure he's read it.)

I think I explained how I would feel - no demands or ultimatums - pretty well. We got to talking and one thing led to another...we spoke after and he said that he'd leave his job as I (our marriage and family) was more important than it.

Seemed to be progress but that was over the weekend. He texted me after he left - very loving, caring texts. Also, he texted me that he wanted us to get a hotel room for his birthday which was quite frankly creepy after I had only discovered him in a hotel a few weeks ago.

A few days go by, I talk to Dr H who had already spoken with H and confirmed H is really struggling with idea that he has to leave his job. Issue is not leaving his job - it's that it's for me and not his choice. He feels that he'd resent me (as he thinks he will be unhappy elsewhere). But Dr. H told me that SF over the weekend turned my H right side up and that it was a good thing it happened.

We went out to dinner yesterday and had a great time - we were both flirty, enjoying ourselves etc. Lots of eye contact, touching, good conversation. I wore the sexiest dress I own. Best dinner in years. 3 hours and no lull in conversation.

H definitely has contact with OW every day at work...maybe more than that so I know he's foggy. Today he texts me that he wore some new cologne to work but was sad no one noticed. I wrote back "I'm OK that no one noticed." Evidence to me that he doesn't get my issue with him working with OW. And he's hot and cold, which I know is normal.

NC can't happen yet b/c of work - best case scenario is that he finds a job in a few months. SF, Admiration and Attractive Spouse are his biggest needs I think. I feel a little weird about SF (but am attracted to him) - just wonder if it's the right thing - no SF.

So my question to all of you - can SF help in a recovery? I know we're not in recovery yet because of contact with OW. But could it help us get to recovery if SF is such a big need? It seems like a fine line between this and cake eating.

Scratch that last post...

Just found nude photos of OW in H's email account from a few days ago. The day before I took him to dinner, a few days after we were intimate. And these photos were full on - no doubt what they were.

I am so angry right now. Again, I believed his sincerity. It's different this time. Really? He's working with Steve, seems to be doing all the right things. I guess he's a great liar.

So I forwarded email of photos to OW with a message that I will send these pictures to everyone at work if she continues to contact my H. Copied my H. I will call Steve Harley this week to talk to him but I think H and OW had a brief respite and now it's on again. I'm not going to let him eat his cake. No way.

No lovebusting (though it is so, so, so difficult).

He wants you both and that is a good thing. He doesn't want just naked photo lady. Yes, he is hiding his affair still and trying to keep you both on the farm.

Tell him you will not share him. Do it matter of factly, firmly but not with angry outbursts or disrespect (cause that just gets used against you as more justification of the affair).

Hold on tight and talk to Steve and keep posting here to vent.

Yes, I suppose he wants us both and to keep his job. I'm thinking I may re-expose with the naked photos. Should I send them along with my exposure letters? They are pretty graphic (rear end shot of her privates). Classy girl, eh?

I will talk to Steve on Monday but wanted to know what you all thought.

I wouldn't send the photos. Just have copies in a safe place in case they are important later.
Yes, it sucks to see them but we all are naked under our clothes. We all have rear ends, whether we immortalize them forever with the goods showing in photos or not.
I am just trying to give you perspective here.

Count it as useful info. If you ever recover your marriage......you know that a rear end goods view might be alluring to your H. Just file it away literally and figuratively...yk.

Perspective.

The photo was meant to be provacotive. In a different way to WH than to you or anyone else seeing it. Don't give it more power than it deserves.

Thanks. Another vomit inducing memory. Lucky me.

FM,

I have to differ. In order for the exposure to have max effect, sometimes the truth has to be out there.

Nothing to make the ow run like showing the real skankiness of the affair imho. I'd use the pictures. And save them and keep them in a safety deposit box in case they're ever needed legally.

Girl you're going into plan B right now. He won't end the affair? How about showing what really goes on in an affair? it ain't hand holding and roses. It's dirty, nasty, evil stuff.

There's an old saying. Don't say or do something you don't want to see on the front page of the newspaper. Both of them should have thought about that before they had their photo session.

Furthemore, when you do a massive exposure, there are also naysayers and those that think the bs is exaggerating, or might be making things up. Those photos of skankola's nasty bits should definitely clear the air that you are telling 100 percent the truth.

I see those photos as ultimate affair killers!

Do you want to be nice or do you want to end this affair?

If it were me, I'd expose and send them out and then go dark.

And fwiw, never negotiate with a terrorist (or an other woman or other man).

Don't threaten. Send them. You tipped your hat to her that you "might". She will keep on doing what she is doing, and your wh is an accomplished liar.

They need a harsh dose of reality to stop this insanity now!

It's good your wh feels that you're attractive and still desires you, and that is why when you go dark on him it will work. But you have to cause trouble in affairland. Nothing like graphic and nasty photos of the other woman to send her running.

What could she do? sue you for spreading the truth after she spred her legs?

You have the tool to end it right now, end that affair. End it today.

Peachy,

That's what I thought but I am treading very lightly here.

H told me (for what it's worth) that his boss told them both to just not use work time and computers/equipment for their relationship. Lame response but whatever. Not sure he knows how sexual their relationship is but this would be the ultimate proof. Personally, I'd love to email the whole office with this photo...but that might be a little overboard. Fun to think about though.

The photos were sent from her private email during a holiday so I'm not sure the boss will care...but maybe he'll see just how out of control and distracting their relationship is. I think she took the photos by herself and emailed them to H. He said he never responded to email.

If I keep hounding their boss, and show that aggression is coming from her end (no pun intended) maybe I can get her out of H's workplace once and for all.

FM, as much as I would love for you to send her stinky butt pictures to work, I think that would blow up in your face and achieve absolutely nothing.

I am really concerned that you are not in Plan B yet. Do you know that Dr Harley recommends 3 to 4 weeks for women? The reason is because the affair is so traumatic for women that they have nervous breakdowns and then the marriage is really over. If you go into Plan B now, though, you will protect the remaining love you have for your H and it can be rekindled when his affair eventually dies.

The plan you seem to be in, which Harley calls "PLan C" for compromise is the most likely to lead to divorce.

Refresh my memory, have you exposed skanky hola to her family and facebook friends? Those pictures could be put to good use if sent to her family and friends.

I agree w/you Melody.

Plan A going on too long is very painful. When I did the plan A/B during that situation, I went on far too long, and wish somebody back then had told me to end it at maybe a month b/c it did take a toll on my health and well-being.

I do think those pics are needed to bust this up once and for all. Maybe she could create a new FB page, and if she has the goods on the nasty bits' friends and family, have their contact info, she could do that today..blow it all up.

I just see, that these photos show an affair for what it is. And if her wh is lying like mad, deeply entrenched and confused, that he needs to SEE and try to explain how his affair is a good and decent and moral thing, if those pics get out. Kinda hard to defend an affair after its' true ugliness is revealed. It's kind of hard to lie your way around those photos you know.

I think she should call the ow from now on "nasty bits". That is an appropriate nickname for her!

I know she is in a modified plan A cause Steve told her to be.
Maybe she could email the counseling center and ask what to do with the photos and whether to go to plan B and how to do it if recommended right now.