NO! DO NOT TELL HER!

That will give her a chance to spin the story and give her time to paint you as a jealous, crazy psycho who is trying to hurt her somehow.

DO NOT TELL THEM.

Are you not listening do you tell a murderer that you are thinking of calling the police, so why on earth would you pre warn her. All that will do is prepare her so she can tell them lies about you and guess what , your exposure will then fail and the affair will continue on her terms even worse she moves on with the OM and you are left sucking your thumb.

The exposure is to the OM's family and friends as well, this has to be effective to ensure your wife is not worth his attention.

You have to tell everyone for this to work. Mom and DAD are not negotiable. My wife hasn't talked to her dad in six weeks out of shame. You think that didn't have an impact?

TELL THEM

Don't tell her about exposure! Don't discuss it beforehand! You do it without her knowledge. That's one reason why you must do it all at one time. Make sure you make an exposure target list. Do NOT dribble expose.

This is the only way it works.

OM is irrelevant.

If you are new to this thread... she was smitten with a band member. He did not really reciprocate. Didn't call her back, text, set up any dates she tried. She had to go see him at the bar where he was playing. I am dealing with her feeling rejected probably (my fear) more than feeling remorse or guilt.

OM is a divorced, single, band member who never did anything except act really nice to a frustrated married, unavailable groupie. (There could have been more -- he acted so nice that she felt true feelings between them... and maybe there were. Maybe he did want to pursue her more but felt morally wrong for leading on a married woman.)

Anyway, can't figure out how to shame him.

The EA appears to be over. He hung on her heart all last year and she grieved losing the fantasy of him. But not losing her family!

OK.OK. I could be naive. There could be more. I won't show what I know so she can spin a tale. I will let her think I know everything in order to get her to confess, (even if there was a PA two weeks ago) and I will keep up the snooping while we go through Harley's plan.

Her Mom and Dad are indeed non negotiable. I understand that. She needs to face them with this. Her brother and sister too need to face mom and dad too.

In her parents family there are dozens of divorces. Everyone seems to have two or three plus marriages. There is almost no model in her parents generation of a lifelong partnership. As much as they will fight for this marriage too (her parents are divorced but they do love me and think I am pretty great) divorce is so easy and routine to all of them.

I drafted a letter to the three ministers.
I drafted a letter to WW mom and dad. (Sorry vets. Thats gonna wait until Tue/Wed)

Rolling around in my head is a message to OM (who might say to himself... geez she was a long time ago... so moved past her.)

Exposure tomorrow and I think I am gonna puke.

Stretch - breathe my friend - breathe.

I think you're fixated on whats the worst that can happen.

What is the best that can happen?

Powerbane - I woke up in Sept 2010 and realized what an idiot I was just as your signature says. But this secret romance is holding us back. I yearn and ache to be more for her and for her to be more for me. This bad, bad affair must be over -- in her mind as well. She cannot give me 100% until this OM is gone from her mind, and everything that enabled it is gone too.

I am filled with remorse about my actions as a husband. But was always still a good man. Never deserved this!

Exposure in 3 hours... I gotta keep breathing.
Anticipation, fear, relief...
Most of you think I am doing this all wrong. I won't tell her parents today or the ministers. Sorry vets. But I am preparing those letters and talking to my counselor tomorrow about it.

Hang in there Stretch123,

Stretch, I used to be you. It will be alright. Even if this doesn't work its still miles and miles ahead of doing nothing.

Every BH goes through this decision. The ones that make it through and keep their marriages are the ones who fight.

Stretch--breathe deeply, try not to become overwhelmed. Yes, this is hard. No, you did not deserve this. But you will make it through.

Try to remember your wife is NOT in her right mind at this time. You are not "being mean" by exposing her... despite WHATEVER she will say! When she hears that you have told her parents and those closest to her, she WILL be mad. Mine was livid. Mine said she could never forgive me. These are projections, though--the exposure is not what hurts her, what hurts her is knowing she finally has to face the consequences of her actions and the knowledge that she has been very, very awful. Let these words roll off your back. Cry later, when you are alone. She needs to see you as a strong man, worthy of respect, who is doing what you KNOW is best for your marriage.

But you know what? You are fighting for your marriage. You are fighting for your family.

My wife has come back to me. I do not think there is any way in heaven or hell she would have come back to me, if I did not brutally expose to her parents, her sister, my family, our friends.

I'm sure my actions still sting her. But if you love your wife, and if you want your marriage to work, do not consider these acts of exposure as an affront to your wife... instead, imagine that you are picking your bruised and beaten body off the ground, and stabbing a dagger into the heart of a beast that is afflicting your wayward wife. She will struggle to kill it on her own... she doesn't even know it's afflicting her, honestly. You, her husband, needs to slay the beast for her.

Maybe it sounds silly, but it's the truth.

Stucks right, except if you have the experience I have, you won't want to cry, you'll want to throw a fist in the air.

Exposing felt GOOD.

Oh God. Its done. Exposure

I just exposed today too, stretch. She is furious, humiliated. She says she doesnt know what I'm capable of. Of course, that's because she had me figured for a doormat. Keep working it. bra

Definitely dealing with anger.

"I feel ambushed. You had this all planned. You wrote a script. You arranged for the kids to be away. You planned to do it in our therapy appointment. You set up and took me to an appointment with my personal therapist right after. You wrote our family and friends. I can't believe you read all my emails. You have this 'Survivors Group'. Where the hell was my survivors group when you neglected me all those years?!"

She is mad about all that. I think I did a pretty good job. Especially arranging for her to have space. Arranging for her to have an appointment with her personal therapist this afternoon!!! I mean. C'mon! She really needed that!

No perspective right now. Remember that. They were ANGRY at us when they started the affair. Its probably the most common, natural comfortable emotion in their toolbag. Being angry at hubby. So with an emotional shock today -- that's the place they go. I am just rolling with it. Not fighting back.

I know she is mad about how I found out. I know she is mad about what I did today. But there is no perfect way to learn about your spouses betrayal and no perfect way to expose. Be mad at me for who I was two years ago. Be mad at me for what I do tomorrow. Today.... I have no regrets.

In the hours, days and weeks to come, I want you to remember this. Did exposure get as far and wide as possible? If it did, great, if not, you need to do that ASAP. As you see, your WW is angry, why make her angry about it all over again? Let her get over it all at once.

Good job, stretch. Did you hit everyone?

So as it turns out... her mom already knew. There is no one close to us who does not know now. Except her daddy. And she is going to go and tell him tomorrow. He will not be pleased with his three children.

Wife ran through a gamut of emotions today. Finally gave me an apology and she said, "I know that apology is not good enough. I have to work on it."

Also, was forthcoming with details. Did not catch one single lie. And she came forward and gave me several pieces of detail that I did not know. Because she isn't totally sure what I found out and didn't. I think she wants to be 100pct.

Still, getting the anger from her is something you all expected me to face and prepared me to face. But I hate it. Why am I guilty? Why angry at ME??? Yup... part of the process. I am glad this group exists.