I have asked her out to lunch today, which is a fair haul for me to come out to where she works, it will certainly run me over my lunch. So I am sure she knows something is up by me even suggesting it. I am going to ask her to quit, if not I will do the letter.

I need to cover the practicals. We get our insurance through her employer, but we can immediately pick up here if she loses hers. I think we have enough money put back to handle the loss of income, which is hopefully temporary. I know her parents will help us as well, and are rooting for us to stay together.

Just in general, short of her work, I think I have the exposure pretty good:

MIL & FIL
Our best friends
Her carpool mate
My friends
OMW
OM's kids and in-laws

My WW doesn't have many friends, so it doesn't take much on that front.

Your list is good, but leaves out one critical target: her employer. You asked if exposure to the employer has been done by others here. Yes, it has, with huge success. In my case, exposure to the employer killed my H's A dead THAT DAY. Others here will tell you similar stories.

You can certainly give your WW the option of quitting the job on her own. It would be nice if you respectfully requested that as a gesture of commitment from her toward healing your M. Don't count on it to happen. Waywards will typically try to keep the status quo on everything - their job, their affair partner, you, the whole shebang. The only thing they'll want to change is your interference in their wayward lifestyle.

I want to caution you: do not tip your hand about exposure to your WW. Many betrayeds get this idea that if they just appeal to their wayward's sense of justice, or of right and wrong, their wayward will 'see the light' and 'do the right thing.' This does not work, either.

If you warn your WW in advance of your plans to expose, she will immediately go into a pre-emptive strike. She will go back to her job and begin to spin you as a looney who is crazed and jealous:

"Do you know what dbaggins said to me at lunch today?? He said he thought I was having an A with OM! Can you believe that! He has ALWAYS been suspicious of any male friend I've ever had! We've even gone to counseling about it and he won't change! It's caused so many problems in our marriage that it's just about destroyed it! He will lie while looking right at you and come up with some of the most outlandish tales you've ever heard about me! I don't think I can take it anymore!"

And boom. You just compromised your best piece of weaponry for ending her A. Their employer now assumes that you're a paranoid nutjob, and she's going to work harder to push the A underground. That's just how they work, dbaggins. Count on that, and DON'T warn her about exposure.

The experience of the posters hear is that exposure will piss off a wayward, sure. But it typically ends the affair. It doesn't push the wayward into the arms of the affair partner. This is where you need to not think so much, because exposure is counter-intuitive to what you think you "should" do.

Sure, you "should" be able to sit down and have a nice, adult conversation with your wife right now, and make her see the damage that her A is causing. But you're missing one important point: This woman is NOT YOUR WIFE RIGHT NOW. She is wayward, and a wayward's moral and intellectual compass has been completely derailed. You cannot reason with them.

I like your plan, dbaggins. I would lay it like this to her:

Tell her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. no contact for life with the OM, which means she must leave the job

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

If you are able, dbaggins, when you pick her up I would go in and make sure as many people as possible see you. This will be a shot across to the bow to the OM.

And please read this article, it does a good job of outlining the process of earning forgiveness: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

I think you need to strongly consider the reality, not the possibility, but the reality that she had sex with him.

She'll deny it, but the odds are very high she did so.

Don't believe her when she says she didn't. Waywards lie and almost all of us here were told by our waywards that nothing happened, which wasn't the truth.

You should make sure that your MIL has the full truth. You left it up to her, but waywards sugarcoat what they tell their parents. They'll say, "We're having some problems" and will neglect to say, "We're having some problems because I'm having an affair and I cheated on my husband."

That changes the whole thing.

So talk to your MIL. Let her know you want to save your marriage.

And your WW should leave that job. She will be in contact with OM, even if it's in passing.

I have considered that I would honestly feel better if she said he had sex with him. It seems infinitely more likely to lie about NOT having sex, than having sex. At least that potential lie wouldn't be lingering out there. I also find it highly unlikely they had been having an A for 2 months and had a long weekend out of town in the same hotel and didn't get busy. It reeks.

It�s my observation that men have an easier time forgiving an EA than a physical one. Neither one is good, but EA�s, for men, are easier to handle. So I disagree with you that you�d rather hear they had sex. I don�t believe that�s the case. You�d have a harder time getting over that, as a man.

But if I was a betting man I�d put money on the fact that she likely did have sex with him.

I hate to tell you this but they probably did have sex. The one thing about WW/WH is they'll only admit to what you already know. Affairs survive in darkness, so she'll probably keep you in the dark for as long as she can.

Yes, they did have sex. Waywards wives typically lie about this because they understand how devastating it is to their husband. I would revisit this with her until you get the full truth. EVen if it means taking a polygraph. You are entitled to the full truth. As long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy, there can be no trust restored.

Added a tad of emphasis here.

The first, because it cannot ever be emphasized enough. Ever, ever, f&(((&(&( ever!

The second, because it is required - ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED. And let me tell you that you cannot slack. Your LB$ has taken a critical hit, and you need to keep it full!

My former WW swore to me that she was not having an A. She cried and said she couldn't believe I was accusing her of having an A. She looked me square in the eyes when she told me this. Later, phone records showed over 10,000 texts to him in one month.

Oh, and they were having sex every few weeks.


Your WW would sell her mother right now if it would allow her to continue the A.

Well we had the lunch, as I am sure many of you suspected she did not agree to leave her job. She didn't outright refuse, but didn't agree either. This may simply be a delaying tactic, to try and work me off this request. She did try to deflect and I finally got her to admit that she blames the affair on me. I made it clear this was in no way sane. She had as much opportunity as I to have a real conversation over the flaws in our marriage, instead we both avoided and resented, and then she went to the OM. So yeah.

Anyway, so how long until I bomb their HR? I was thinking if she can't decide by tonight I fire it off tomorrow? Also, do you think an anonymous email submission or something would have the same effect? I mean, wouldn't it look bad coming directly from her husband, not that I guess an "anonymous tip" is any better.

Tomorrow morning, bright and early. Do it with a paper letter from you. Hand deliver a copy if you can and follow it up with a certified letter - the kind someone has to sign for.

Why a paper letter? Because a paper letter indicates that someone is serious. Anyone can make a phone call or send an email, and the company can easily sweep it under the rug. But if someone sends a certified letter, there is a legal record that the company was notified. There is a great template elsewhere that I'll try to dig up.

Why from you? Simply, an anonymous tip is also easy to ignore or explain away as someone just trying to make trouble for WW.

Anything anonymous indicates that the sender is afraid to come forward. That will be dismissed and tossed in the trash.

Sign your name, loud and proud. Send it certified mail and make them sign for it, cc'ing the higher-ups so the local honcho can't 'forget' about following up on it.

This whole thing is the worst experience of my life. You know what is even better? My mom cheated on my dad while I stayed home babysitting my handicapped brother and lied to me about where she was. Now my wife cheats on me while I am home watching our son lying to me about where she was.

I know, woe is me. Not the 1st sad story on this board. I want to puke.

dbaggins, I know it looks bleak now, but if you stick with us here and get her out of there, there is hope to turn this around into a great marriage. We are telling you this from a perspective of recovered, romantic, happy marriages. You can have that.

We know this is the worst experience of your life, my friend. You will live through this.

Agree with the others that you take a letter tomorrow and deliver it to the Director of Human Resources and cc a key VP and both of their bosses. It is important to cc these people so that no one is tempted to throw your letter away. And whatever you do, DON'T send it anonymously. That assures it will be tossed. And you also need to put your name on it so that you get full credit for the exposure. You deserve full credit and should take it.

I would also suggest that you bring this up one more time to her tonight. Tell her, that you will not be able to recover if she doesn't leave this job and end all contact with the OM. Tell you INSIST she leave the job. Be very forthright and make sure she understands this will not work. She needs to choose you or the career, but she can't have both.

Give her that last chance before you expose at work.

Do you have the exposure letter?

DB,

My mom cheated on my dad while I stayed home babysitting my handicapped brother and lied to me about where she was...I know, woe is me.

Did you ever confront your Mom about what happened, I ask because not too long ago my W confronted my FIL about his many many affairs, and it seems to have improved their relationship.

Not woe is you, but strong and responsible is you, shame on your Mom and Wife for abusing someone who had their back. It's not your fault for remaining sane in spite of the people in your life.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, actually quite recently when I was suspecting my WW to be a wayward. I am composing the letter as we speak. Wish me luck.

Well, I have sent out 3 letters at this point, all certified. One to her former boss and a VP, one to HR at her location, and one to HR at their main location in another state. Unfortunately, I do not know any others of significance within the organization and do not want to raise suspicions by asking.

Funny is I finally told my mother last night about the affair and she was at my home when my WW came home. My mother has both had an A, and had another be wayward with her in a non-marital relationship. My mom actually described being in the "fog" without having called it that. She described how to this day she still feels pain for how she treated me and my father. She described being so deep in the fog that she never knew until recently that I actually knew she was having an affair while it was going on.

My WW and I had an argument last night, she blames me for the affair, she blames me for talking to her mother and that she is upset, she blames me because I have exposed and it may cause her to get fired if it gets back to her work. I also spoke to OMW this morning who said OM admitted to having a conversation with my WW yesterday, the very 1st day he has been back in the office since D-Day. My WW did admit to "passing him in the hall" or some other such thing, but she also went to his OM's office to tell him I asked her to quit her job. She is immediately back to confiding in him, looking to him for support.

I was previously unsure if I was really following the right path, it is a high stakes game, but I am sure after recent events that she is firmly in the fog and will never leave it until one or both of them stop working together.

I do not want her to lose her job, but she should have considered this before she broke the rules of her job. I offered the choice of me and our family, but she did not take it, she chose him. For this she gets exposed.

Ok, I have to admit the suspense is killing me. I mailed the certified letters on Friday. Her local office will have received them Saturday if anyone picked up the mail, otherwise it will be sometime today.

I understand it may take some time for her employer to actually open the letters, then likely fact check, etc. How long before I do a follow up? The sooner I can move past this part of the recovery the better. I do feel a sense of resolve, but it does want to falter at times. Fear, self-doubt, etc. are a like a creeping fungus right now.

Good job, dbaggin! You are a real trooper and have done the right thing. When you speak to your wife, I would become a broken record and tell her every day she will have to leave that job in order for this to work. As you can see, they have no intention of ending of their affair.