I guess I'm the designated driver, since I don't drink.

Scotty, I think I have the no expectations thing down pretty well. As you said, I would be sending her the flowers on Valentine's Day anyway. I already know what her response will be anyway- she will send me a brief email, which will read "Thank you for my flowers, they are beautiful." Been there, done that already.

Email greeting cards is kind of a tradition with us, something we have always done on various occasions, even when we were both working here in the same office together. My thought is to have me on her mind all day long.


She will tell POSOM about the flowers, and it will piss him off. He is very possessive (of my wife, oops, just threw up again).

Reynolds, no offense taken, no need to apologize.

That's what you call a MIL and a half.

So, last night as DD11, DS10 and I are sitting together watching TV, amid all of the Valentine's Day commercials, DD11 asks "What are going to do for Valentine's Day, daddy?" I said, "I don't know baby, I guess I'll spend it with you." She laid her head on my shoulder and held my hand- didn't say a word, didn't have to.

I shared this with WS today. She replied, "I know VDay is going to be hard. I thought you and I could have lunch, and then spend the evening with the kids."

So I guess POSOM will not get to spend his "anniversary" (there goes that pesky gag reflex again) with WS. I figure that means they will be "celebrating" tomorrow night (another reflexive gag). So, in a pre-emptive strike, I put a heartfelt VDay card in the mail to her today, should arrive tomorrow. That should really set the tone for their evening.

Anything I can do to create conflict between WS and the POSOM.

This is a good sign. Even if she does see him tomorrow, she's still spending the actual anniversary (yeah, that got my gag reflex too) with you and the kids.

Good job Total! Keep up the good work.

Just heard from MIL that WS is coming over to dinner with me and the kids tonight.

MIL has been coming over to my house twice a week to cook/clean and spend time with the kids. (By the way, she lives 45 mins away, so this is no small inconvenience.)

She called WS at work and invited her to have dinner with the family. (How dysfunctional is this when the MIL is cooking dinner and asking the WS to come over to her own house and have dinner with her husband and kids?)

At any rate, looks like family dinner tonight. Last time she came over to eat with us, she was crying a couple of times during dinner. I think looking around at the entire family happily eating dinner together was too much for her. MIL noticed that, and so did I.

All I can say is, my MIL rocks.

Love those old fashioned no BS mils huh? When I exposed mine almost came home from arizona to straighten WW out.

Love it.

MIL of the year

So, WS came over for dinner with the family last night. It went great, even better than expected. WS lingered for a long time. I had a chance to spend some time alone with her, we had a nice talk. Ended the night with a couple of real, honest-to-God, husband and wife kisses. (This after she informed me on New Year's Day that she would hug me, but she would no longer kiss me.) She appeared overwhelmingly guilty the entire time. I think the conflict is building inside.

I still feel that she will be with OM tonight, but I hope that last night's time with husband and kids will ruin it. That and the heartfelt card that will be arriving in her mailbox this afternoon.

It still sucks thinking of them together, but I can't control what she does, only what I do.

I get that guilt feeling from my WW too sometimes TD. But as soon as she has contact with OM, it seems like it subsides. Even tho most of our contact now is through text or over the phone, I can always tell when he has text her or she is with him. Completely different person.

I does seem like you've made some progress at least with the kisses. I'd love to get that back too.

Hang tough TD.

Lost- I know exactly what you mean, I can also tell when my WS has been with POSOM. He has a very foul mouth, and that rubs off on her. Any time she has excessive potty mouth (which is completely out of character for her), I know she's been around him.

They really are like completely different people. It is so bizarre.

TD, have you considered asking your wife to go on a little trip with you? A couple of days without the kids, just the two of you? Maybe someplace you've gone before for an anniversary or some other special occasion? My H did this twice during my A. The second time, he took me to Solvang for our anniversary. We had spent many anniversaries there, and I think that trip was what really made me see that there was still something there and that I had to give my M another chance. The A didn't end right away because of that trip, but it did end shortly after.

Now, I know your wife may turn you down, so you do need to go into this without any expectations, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to try. Getting her completely away from the OM for even a few days and conjuring up some of those old feelings for you would be the best thing you could do right now, if you could pull it off.

Just something to consider.

Gotta love a no-BS MIL.

My former MIL invited the affair partner into their home to celebrate the holidays with my XWW.

That's OK, he probably had more in common with them than I did, since my IL's and the OM were all about the same age.

Blech!

That's a good idea writer1. We actually did this right after D-day 1. Right now, I have a hard time getting her to agree to anything alone with me, other than lunch. I may have to work my way up to it.

Enlightened, I am so lucky that my in-law's are so dead-set against the A, and so supportive of me and the kids. Part of MIL's letter to WS read, "You may think you love POSOM, but he chose to go after a married woman, which makes him nothing in my book."

Like I said before, Wyatt Earp in a skirt.

So, Valentine's Day has come and gone, and all of us BS' are still surviving. Mine was uneventful, although I didn't spend any of it with WS. She had decided over the weekend that she and I would have lunch together on V-Day, and she would spend the evening with the kids at her house (minus dad). Well, that didn't sit too well with the kids, who vocally protested. DD11- "Mommy said she wanted us to go over to her house on V-Day." What did you say? "I said 'Why don't YOU come over to OUR house." I'm thinking this is not going to go over well with WS.

I had flowers delivered to WS' desk about 11:00am. One of my friends told me that she put on FB about 11:30- "Normally I don't mind Mondays, but today is different." (I don't look at her FB anymore, but occassionally my friends will fill me in.) As predicted, I got the cursory "thank you for my flowers email", but lunch never happened.

I went home and MIL was cooking dinner, assuming that the kids were going home with WS. Funny thing is, WS never showed up. After about an hour of waiting, I called her. "Are you coming to get the kids?" She replies, "No, they didn't act like they wanted to come." I say, "Well, they are expecting you, sitting here waiting for you." She says, "Well, I have invited my girlfriend over, so I am not coming." I say, "You know you are welcome to come over and eat with us." She says, "No, I'm not coming."

I then proceeded to tell her about DS10's progress report from school. He has gone from all A's-B's to failing two subjects. His teacher says "He always looks worried, as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders." (Well, he does.) What does WS say to that? "This is not my fault! All of these problems that the kids are having are not all my fault!" (Yes, the fog seemed especially thick on V-Day.)

At this point, I pulled out the stick of Plan A. In a very kind and respectful manner, I pointed out to WS that yes, in fact, the problems that our children are now experiencing are a direct result of our situation. Our children are suffering because you are no longer in our home, and our family is now incomplete. "Well, thanks alot", she says. I say, "I'm sorry if that offends you, but it is the truth." We had a very long discussion, during which she continued to fog-babble, and I remained remarkably calm and cool. Some of her best gems: "You don't want me to spend time with the kids, you are just trying to get me to come over to the house, and I don't want to be at the house", "You think this is all about POSOM", "I am so confused, I don't know what to do", and my personal favorite- "I feel like you think of me as your possession".

(By the way, I know what you're thinking, but DD18 stopped by WS' house and verified that she was there and was in fact with her girlfriend, not POSOM.)

So, fast forward to today. WS sends me an email this morning, very sweet- wants to come over to the house tonight and spend time with the kids. I ask if she would like to have dinner with us- she says yes. ??????? What is this- guilt? did some of my Plan A stick actually break thru the fog? bi-polar?

Who knows? All I know for sure is: the roller coaster ride continues................................

TD,

Almost every active wayward displays many of the same symptoms as Bi-polar disorder. I was a completely different person during my A. Looking back on it now, I wouldn't even have recognized myself. Generally, this is a symptom of the fog and clears up once the person is no longer actively wayward. If your wife didn't display any Bi-polar tendencies prior to her A, I wouldn't be too worried.

The roller coaster is a very appropriate analogy. That's exactly how it felt during my A. My emotions were so all over the place that it makes me dizzy just to think about it now. I could swing from being sure that I wanted to end my M and be with the OM to being sure that I wanted to end my A and work on my M dozens of times a day. So, if your wife seems unstable and like she's all over the place - it's because she is. Anyone who hasn't experienced it before simply cannot fathom how emotionally unstablizing an A can be.

Just hang in there. You're doing good.

Nicely handled TD, a lot of guys would have let her have it.

So, last night WS comes over to the house, has dinner with the family and hangs out for a couple of hours. Everything was perfectly normal, right up until the time she got in her car and drove away.