John, You asked for help and you are getting great advice from many ex military and now there is only silence.

I hope that you are at least reading this advice even if you are not responding. Many of these good people are investing their time and experience to help. No one is attacking you and everyone truly wants to give you the tools to save your M.

Please keep your mind open.

Awesome post, Armymama!

John,

How you doing buddy? Whats going on in your life? You haven't been talking to us for a bit here.

Eric

Thanks for all the words of advice and encouragement. I'm not ignoring the advice or choosing not to deal with it, I'm just trying to come up with a plan that best suites my concerns and needs. The problem I'm having is the cookie cutter approach to this. That all WSs are the same and need to be dealt with in the same exact way. My WS starts IC today. I have been reading SAA and I have an appointment with Dr. Harley on Monday.

On telling the OM wife; I know it's the right thing to do. I've known it from the start, and I intend on doing it. Mr Wondering, you hit the nail on the head with the three possible outcomes of telling her. It's pretty much what I came up with.

On workplace exposure; I'm not there, yet. My WS starts her new job on Monday. She has to go to school for the promotion shortly there after. Nothing there is guaranteed right now. Not that it will ever be. It's not just about protecting her, it's about protecting my family. I can't say that things will work out and we'll stay together. If we split, I need her to be able to provide. A weak reason? Sure, but it's something I've considered.

From the reading I've done, so far, it's pretty clear that if you rebuild the M and prevent the mistakes that lead to the A in the first place, you can squash the chance of it happening again.

I haven't been on here much because I'm traveling. This weekend we're going away for my son's birthday, so I won't be on at all (maybe a bit on Sat). I'll check back in after my appointment with Dr. Harley.

Thanks,
John

Please do, John. Let us know what he thinks.

The OM is starting a new job in a few months that will not require any contact with my WS. This was the only reason for me allowing her to stay in a job that required any contact at all. I knew a new job was right around the corner.

And that is a few months of opportunity that can make all the difference in your marriage. This misses the point about the dangers of keeping her affair a secret. Keeping it secret for her and the OM only fuels the fantasy, which keeps the feelings alive.

Exactly,

It's most likely they would be asked to retire. I can see the conversation with the general now. You messed up, you can't be trusted.

Choose one of the following, submit your retirement packet, summary judgment or a courts martial, and as your commanding officer, I strongly recommend the retirement option.

If they both have 20+ years of good service, I expect options similar to these will be placed on the table.

Uh-huh. Okay. Hang on to that Plan of Hope. We've got another poster on here right now who's hanging onto that very same Plan. The OM was supposed to be off the job at the end of December. He's still there. The poster's wife is resisting recovery attempts and is pining for OM right now. Unless they've gone ahead and resumed the affair, of course. In that case she isn't pining for him anymore, she's got him back.

We don't know for sure because the poster hasn't checked back in with us.

John,

I repeat Dr. Harley's comments from earlier this week.

There was a military wife on the radio show earlier this week. Dr. Harley said something along the lines of, "...like so many of those who are unfaithful, when he (husband in this case) is not being held accountable, he strays. Nothing works as well as exposure and extraordinary precautions to make infidelity humiliating and difficult to arrange. Covering up an affair only makes another affair more likely."

NOTHING works as well as exposure and extraordinary precautions.

It is good to hear that you have an appointment with Dr. Harley Monday. A number of military affairs have been highlighted recently. Yesterday's radio show also had a segment on military marriages.

AM

PS. The more affairs you read about here, the more recognizable that they are all pretty similar. Nothing special in any of them. And the method to kill the affair and re-build the marriage may sound like a cookie cutter approach, but really isn't. It IS a structure or framework for a couple to address their specific needs and problems.

John,

One other comment. You can tell from reading my previous posts that our family took a significant hit financially. My husband was fined, messed up an excellent opportunity at a promotion, and retired earlier than he had planned. I don't grieve any of that. Our marriage is the most important thing in our lives. We live more simply. We have more time together. And we have enough. How much is enough? It is whatever we have.

Please think long about your lifestyle. Is the current lifestyle more important than an intact family with a mother and father who love each other?

AM

Again, cookie cutter.

That should tell you something, John.

John,

I guess you are the expert with all of this. Good luck with your individual approach and special situation.

AM

So said by the least objective, least experienced person on this thread. You are speaking to folks who have saved their marriages and know how it is done. You are the falling down drunk who comes to AA meetings and tells them their advice is "cookie cutter."

ok...................

OK, I need to clarify a previous post. The steps to ending an affair are very specific and very similar for most couples. They consist of exposure, extraordinary precautions and building a romantic love for the married couple. Maybe that sounds like a cookie cutter, but it has a proven track record for working when followed.

The MB program for creating a romantic loving marriage is a framework for couples. People have different emotional needs and the MB program is a method of identifying these needs and meeting them.

AM

And I agree with it all, to a point. The problem I have is everyone saying that unless you follow what worked for them, exactly to the letter, you are doomed and she will repeat. I haven't said that I know better or am better equipped to handle this than anyone else. I haven't said that I will not consider exposing the A at the workplace. I don't make decisions out of fear and intimidation. I won't let my WS bully me into going one way or the other, and I won't let anyone here either. There are other sources of information out there, and they do not take such a hard line approach. They don't say "you must follow this advice, or she will cheat again".

Oh, and it's Steve, not Dr. Harley I have the appointment with.

Again, thank you for all of the advice. I assure you, it's not falling on deaf ears.

Yes, we know of those "other sources of information". Why don't you ask those other sources how many marriages they have helped recover from adultery? How many of those marriages can they claim are now thriving? How many of those marriages have completely healed?

Glad to hear you're going to talk to Steve. Hopefully, you'll believe him. Be sure and tell him everything you've told us and ask him specifically about exposure.

Good luck.

John,

There are some very interesting videos about Dr. Harley's approach to ending infidelity and recovering a marriage on the Marriage 101 forum. The videos tell how he got into working with couples with troubled marriages and how he came up with some of his concepts. I bumped it to the top for you.

Dr. Harley uses a behavioral approach. He has tested his theories, has decades of experience and has worked with more than 5,000 couples. I was trained as a scientist and Dr. Harley's approach immediately resonated with me as practical and well-tested.

Regarding your other sources, I agree with Meggy. Check out their experience and success. See if the advice compares. There a plenty of counselors out there flying by the seat of their pants and in troubled marriages themselves.

When you talk to Steve, ask him about how well the program works with changes to major principles. From my experience, when my H and I took short cuts, it hurt our recovery. Dr. Harley addressed this on yesterday's radio program.

AM

Um, yeah, we know that, John. We know those other sites exist. We're here for a reason. This program WORKS.

You can go to the other sites and immerse yourself in their support, because that's ALL you're going to get - support. They'll support you while you're in anguish over the A, they'll support you when you go online to post about NC, they'll support you while you go through your divorce. They're reeeeallly good at support.

Is that what you're looking for? Support?