Go and ask him to respect your wishes and leave. His affair is cruel and abusive and you need him to leave.

I am trying. He wants to go tomorrow so he can tell the kids in his own way (They need me to tell them). I told him they NEED him to be here and be a father. He wants to tell them for his own sake.

If he does not respect your request to leave, you can do some other behaviors that make staying there difficult for him.

You make certain he cannot talk to OW on the phone in quiet uninterrupted peace.

You make certain he has his clothes stowed elsewhere.
Everyday you move his stuff "out". The garage. The porch. Just "out".
His personal effects.
His toiletries.
His clothes.

He cannot use your home as a launching point for his affair.
You park YOUR car in the middle.
YOU sleep in the middle.

He gets no meals from you.
If he cooks and does not clean up, scrape the dirty dishes in his car.

Does this give you some ideas of your own?

Wait, have you told them yourself yet?

I would go tell them tonight that daddy has to leave because his affair is harmful to you and their family. Then ask him to leave. Don't let him set the agenda, hssh. Ask him to leave NOW. Then change your locks.

Ok. I told him by staying here he is saying he wants to work on the M, and if that is the case, then he needs to end communication with her. If it is not the case then he needs to go now. I gave him 15 min to make a decision--either he would leave or we would. He was devastated the kids were leaving, the whole neighborhood saw. I am hoping a big, empty house would be enough loneliness for him. I sent him a letter saying all he has to do is commit and it can all be better, that I would be there for him and do what we need to do to fix things. I will be sending a full PBL tomorrow letting him know he must leave by Sunday so that we can return and the kids can go to school.

I told the kids everything (not that they slept together), but that Daddy loves someone else and that there is a plan in place and that the kids and I are going to be ok. They said I should take away Daddy's phone and lock him in his room. We will return at the end of the weekend and he will not be around until he can commit to this M.

Stay strong hssh!

Your man needs to grow up and BE A MAN!

You're doing well. Keep following the Vets advice.

God Bless!

How long can Plan B go on before becoming Plan D? I don't want Plan D. I know what kind of man he CAN be, the man he used to be. How do I get that man to grow up and get on board? The whole world sees how wrong his and how much he stands to lose. Why can't he see it? (I know, I know. It was rhetorical. He is disillusioned by the fantasy of the affair, but it still hurts so bad.) I don't want angry divorce hungry man. I want the man that vowed to love me forever. Where the hell did HE go?

Where are you and your kids spending the weekend? Where are you? ARe you in touch with your parents so they can support you?

I would not send a plan B letter until you are actually separated. Rather I would ask him to leave. He has to leave first before you can go into Plan B.

So I take it he won't leave and he won't end his affair?

I am at my parents house. They are livid at him. We drove 2.5 hours in the dark by ourselves and he wouldn't get his happy a** out. He said he'd do it tomorrow. He didn't have anywhere to go tonight. That's bs and I told him that wasn't my problem. No he didn't want to leave or end the affair. He figured out how to block the keylogger. Which is ok. I got what I needed to know. When he comes back for good, I'll be able to reset it and monitor his progress. He said he missed the strong, self-confident woman he fell in-love with 10 years ago. Well, she's back baby and she's stronger than ever. I've got the whole world backing me up and he's got a fantasy that is barely hanging on by a thread.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hssh}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry he is putting you through this, hon. You have been so brave. Thank goodness you have your parents there. Can they come back with you tomorrow and persuade him to leave so you and the kids can go home?

What a load of manure. That's all he's got? That's his problem? Hahahaha! How weak.

It's quite clear that he is currently married to a strong, self-confident woman.

You're doing great, hssh! I would also suggest that you have your parents return with you to run his [censored] out. Nothing like a little in-law disapproval to help throw the cold water on his little affair.

We returned to the house and he was gone. He's staying at a friend's. He did agree that it was disrespectful to carry on the affair in front of me, so he's doing it somewhere else. Happy Valentines.

Are you ready for next steps? You are being very brave, hssh, and I want to applaud you. Everything you are doing are the most likely steps to save your marriage if it can be saved.

That's the scary part: If it can be saved. I am not that brave. He is not here tonight and I am falling apart inside. I don't sleep when he's not home anyway. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep at all while he's gone. I have lots of support both here and back home, but it's not the same as having him sleeping next to me. I don't know if I can take the worst.

4



hssh, we know this is very hard on you but think of the alternative: him in the bathroom texting that ho. A few more weeks of that and you would be fighting off a nervous breakdown. In plan B, on the other hand, you are protected from that abuse and after a couple of weeks begin to feel more peace than you have felt in a very long time. PLEASE get a hold of yourself because I promise this will get better and in a few weeks you are going to feel GOOD.

Instead of calling him or having an anxiety attack, COME HERE and talk to us. We KNOW what you are going through, hssh!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hssh}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<----that is a cyber hug for you

What you are doing is raising the bar for your husband and setting the standard. You are telling hm with Plan B, that the ticket to your marriage is very conditional and you will not settle for less. He either antes up or he doesn't come back. You can 't lose that way because if he doesn't meet your conditions, you have lost nothing.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would sit down tonight and start writing your Plan B letter. Start thinking how you can make this work as far as finding an intermediary, doing child visitations, finances all the while keeping him out of the house and cutting off all contact.

Can you make plans to get your locks changed? What will happen when he realizes you are serious about Plan B is do everything in his power to bust through to see if you really mean it. And every time he gets through serves to prop up his affair because he gets a FIX of you. So, you want to make sure he cannot get through.

((((hssh))))

Not to much to add to Mel's advice but wanted to also send you a cyber hug. We are here for you!!

When I got here my world was so upside down that my head was just spinning. I hung onto the plans and advice here like a lifeline and it really helped me through. So that would be my advice, read up, post here frequently and focus on doing a stellar DARK Plan B... (Mel is right, waywards HATE HATE HATE Plan B and he WILL try to break it, so prepare yourself!)

Hang in there!

hssh, why would you leave your home? The ultimatum should not have ended with "you leave or we do." I don't belive it is your best interest to leave. If push comes to shove couldn't you force him out by court order.

Mel, your take on this?

L4, he did leave and she did come back so it all worked out well.