Hi Everyone! I need your help again, please. Here is my question before I go into a little background as to what has been going on the past few months. How do I respond to my husband�s attempts to work on our marriage? I don�t want to be the stumbling block but I am not sure what to do.

Here is what has happened since I last posted. My husband started counseling for sex addiction. I also went through counseling (and in a support group) with a sex addiction therapist who works with spouses of sex addicts. My husband did not go to sex addiction counseling willingly. He didn�t start going until I told him that I wanted to officially separate. He asked what he could do. I asked him to start with doing an assessment with a sex addiction counselor. He did and the counseling identified that he needed sex addiction counseling. My husband was masturbating and using porn and he never wanted to have sex with me.

Two months into his sex addiction counseling, he stopped going, which was around the holidays (Thanksgiving). He said he was taking a break because of the holidays.

I talked with him in December about him going back to counseling because I was concerned that he had not started back. He said he would start back in January. January came and went and he still was not going back to counseling. On top of this, he had not approached me for sex since November.

I know I am supposed to go by his behavior right now. But I am so concerned. I�ve talked with him over and over again about the lack of SF in our relationship. But he assures me that he is not having sex with anyone else or masturbating. But I can�t believe this because he is not approaching me for sex.

I finally gave up and told him two weeks ago that I am getting prepared to separate from him. He cried and said he would do whatever it takes because he did not want to loose me. He has started back to counseling with the sex addiction counselor.

He has been sending me flowers, cards and gifts but these things don�t work for me. And I have told him this in a nice way. What I want is SF, intimacy and deep conversation where we talk about the things we like, don�t like, just getting to know each other on a deeper level. Right now, he knows nothing about me from a sexual standpoint and the same goes for me because he doesn�t like revealing this type of thing to me.

Before, he started counseling with the addiction therapist, we were in marriage counseling. And even there, no matter how many times I said that I needed the intimacy, I needed the sexual fulfillment, he does nothing. I don�t know what to do. I want to work on my marriage but I can�t continue to go without SF.

I don�t want to be a stumbling block when he is trying to make an effort to work on our marriage (by going back to counseling, sending me flowers, etc) even though it is not in the SF department.

Why won't he have sex with you? Would he be willing to use the MB program and start immediately with 25+ hours a week of undivided attention meeting these top 4 needs of sexual fulfillment, conversation, affection and recreational companionship? Would he commit to this plan?

I would lay out a more viable plan and see if he will get on board with that. If he will commit to the Marriage Builders you have some hope here.

Also, when and where does he masturbate? Any plan would have to include a way to get all the porn out of your house so he couldn't do it again in your house. For example, if he slaps the salami in front of the computer, I would password protect the computer and move it to the front room so he can never be on the computer if you are not right there.

Check out these articles: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage



Addiction to Pornography

Is your husband honest about all of his addictive behaviors?

Another SA behavior is to scan women. Little hits that way, storing pictures of women up to fantasize with later.

Scanning behavior can be the behavior that starts the acting out process (IE, scan, fantasize, look at porn, masturbate.)

Simply stopping the porn and masturbation may not be enough. And, there's nothing you can do to change conditions in which you husband stops scanning. (You can't permanently blindfold your husband, nor can you keep him in an environment where he is only exposed to you.)This is a behavior your husband has to choose to stop and work hard at stopping.

Also, it typically takes a few years to work through SA (3-5 years. It took us 2.75 years.) You aren't going to get results (meaning, a husband ready for emotional intimacy) in 3 months.

regitest, I would strongly suggest you get help from the Harleys on this. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with a background speciality in addictions. [his main speciality is infidelity but he has extensive training and background in addictions - he once owned a chain of treatment centers]

He addresses this addiction in one of his recent newsletters: What is Sexual Addiction?

There are numerous recovered marriages over on the private forum where the husband is a "sex addict." Their marriages are fully recovered today because of his guidance and direction. They have established intimacy and did so in a matter of DAYS. Here is the online program link. Please don't give up before you try that.

Also, have you checked into the MB radio show archives? There are lots of clips on this subject. You can even email Dr Harley and ask about your situation. The radio show archives are here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/radio_programs.cfm

Here is a good archive about porn in the archives:
November 9, 2010
Segment: #02363 Members Rating: (No Ratings)
View Member Comments!
Topics Covered:

Emotional Needs: Sexual Fulfillment, Admiration
Policies: Policy Of Joint Agreement, Policy Of Successful Negotiation
Infidelity: Miscellaneous

Description:
Lynn writes her husbands addiction to pornography has deeply affected the relationship with Lynn. He has admitted that the contrast of the various naked women make Lynn look less attractive. She equated his porn use to an affair and ask what do I do.

Thank you for the links to the radio archives and newsletters. I will look over these. Also, I've thought about working with Dr. Harvey.

So, I am realizing that it will take up to 3-5 years for the emotional intimacy. What about the SF? Is it normal for us to not engage in any type of SF while he is going through recovery for sex addiction?

Also, inrecoverynow, I don't think my husband is honest about all of his behaviors. I don't think he really knows what his triggers are at this point. Or, maybe he is just pulling the wool over my eyes and he really knows and doesn't want to honestly battle his behaviors. I think this is what I am struggling with the most. Is he really trying to work on his addiction? Or is he lying to me and trying to do the least possible efforts with his recovery so I won't leave him.

In regards to scaning women, yes, I see him scanning women especially when watching television. At one point he was scanning women when we would go out someplace in public. But, he hasn't identified this as one of his behaviors. However, I have brought it up to him that I've noticed that he scans women but he has told me that he didn't know he was doing that. I don't know if this is something that he is working on in his sex addiction counesling. I've just learned how to deal with this through my counseling so I won't get obssessed with his behavior.

He hasn't viewed any porn on our computer since we started marriage counseling last year. But he had a hard time stopping looking at women on one of the social networking sites. He would constantly got bombarded with photos from women, some were nude and alot of them were not.

He had closed all of his social networking sites while we were seeing the marriage counselor. But recently he signed up at one of the social networking sites FB because his sisters and brothers are on them. And I've noticed that over the past couple of months that he has been logging on to FB almost everyday, which is concerning me.


Thanks everyone!

registest, I would put a keylogger on his computer and see what he is doing. That will be the best way to rebuild trust. [don't tell him about it. eblaster is a good one] And I don't agree that it will take you that long to regain emotional intimacy. Other couples in the MB program do it much faster than that.

And the sooner you resume sexual relations, the sooner will regain the intimacy, because restoring intimacy depends on spending 25+ hours of undivided attention time each week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.

Emotional intimacy depends entirely on the amount of hours you are spending with each other. Policy of Undivided Attention

registest, I would ask him to stop doing this because it is harmful to your marriage. It is very offensive to most women. I would not recommend that you learn to deal with it, because it is a lovebuster that will cause you to fall out of love with him.

Learning to accept offensive behavior in marriage is how love is lost and incompatibility is created. Instead of lowering your expectations, you should raise them. That is how love is restored to marriage.

FB can very well be dangerous, and his elevated use of it could be an indicator.


Reg, his use of porn, chat, or anything else which feeds his sexual dysfunction is going to do little more than destroy any hopes for intimacy in your marriage. It's creating unrealistic associations to arousal and climax which you, nor any other flesh-and-blood woman, would be able to meet.

Quite honestly, he should probably spend as little time as possible on the computer, and as little time watching TV as possible.

That's very simple, because he should be spending 20+ hours every week with you.

I agree she should ask him to stop this behavior but it is difficult to have that conversation when he won't admit to doing it in the first place. It is amazing how you can see them doing it but they still deny it. My husband has followed someone with his eyes on many occasions where I was worried he would get punched out it was so blantant...yet he denies it.

If her husband is still viewing pictures on FB or elsewhere and denying it, confrontation does not good. The keylogger is a great idea!

ok, but that is another problem entirely. If your spouse is dishonest, then you have TWO problems to address.

I agree. This is the problem I think the poster may need to address first. It sounds like her DH is agreeing to couseling to appease her, not because he feels he has a problem. I don't think he is being honest with himself.

Registest, have you ever considered following through on your ultimatum? Actually separate from your husband?

Yes, I have seriously considered following through on the separation. I have started looking at apartments. Actually, I told my husband that I do plan to move out over the summer because we are having these issues. I wanted to wait until school is out before leaving. I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I feel as if I've completely given up on our marriage.

But deep down inside of me, I want us to work through this. I want to stay married. And, we have a daughter that would be so devastated if her parents split. But I've been so drained with him not trying that I fear if he is serious now about us working on our marriage that I don't trust him enough for me to do my part.

This is why I am reaching out for help!

Thanks!

regitest, I would try this program first before you give up. There are several couples who had this issue over on the private forum who are recovering their marriages.

Thanks everyone! I feel so much better posting here. Also, where is the private forum? Is this a place I can access?

Thanks!

Reg... i just read your thread. I am sorry you are in this situation. I pray that your hubby can gain control of his independent behavoir. I see someone suggested you put a keylogger on your PC .. that is a great suggestion. Here is a link to a free keylogger that also takes screenshots automaticly. It is undetectable by antivirus aswell. The screenshots are located in the folder that it creates when it is installed but you can not access it without being in the program interface and then you have to move up a folder as the one you land on when checking logs (the screen shot button does not work on the free version)

www.desktopshark.com

Good Luck!

registest, that is part of the Marriage Builders online program. They assign you a coach and lay out your lesson plan for you. It is a little pricey at $1000, but many folks have used it to good effect. online program

If that is too steep,I would send Dr Harley an email and ask his advice on how best to solve this. He charges nothing if you send an email to his radio program and will even follow up with you.

Please follow up with MrNiceGuys recommendation of putting a keylogger on his computer. I suspect you will find he has not stopped.

I'm not telling you to give up but the way I see it is that he doesn't think you're serious, that you won't really leave him over this. Hearing a threat about separation is nothing compared to looking at the paperwork in your hands after being served. Might be the impetus for him to finally acknowledge the problem and become serious regarding doing something about it. You're going nowhere right now, and if he won't acknowledge the problem why would he want to use the MB program? A LOT of people come here with their spouse with one foot out the door, but he thinks you won't do it.