Thanx SB, I will look into it. And if I have no friends who are able to go, I will just need to go on my own. I KNOW I will get there, hey I put it on my dream board.

Scotty:

It would be a wonderful trip. We spent 10 days in Nova Scotia in 2002, and it was great. I have also been to England. Thank the Air Force for that.

Did not get to Scotland. But I will...

What's up H&G?

LG

I would like to go to Scotland--my father's great-great- (maybe one more great) grandfather came to North Carolina from Scotland in 1805. However, I'm afraid to fly (airplanes=metal tubes hurtling people toward their deaths!) so I don't guess I'll ever get there.

LG, nothing much is up. I've had a day of doing the necessary-but-mundane. I went grocery shopping. I did the laundry. I sat and sat and thought and thought about my DH--the husband I had before last year.

He wasn't good about special days on the calendar. I long ago gave him a permanent pardon for my birthday, Valentine's Day, Mothers' Day, and our anniversary. He worked long hours, on a swing shift for the first 20 years of our marriage, and keeping up with dates was impossible for him. He always more than made up for it at Christmas.

If I asked for towels, he bought me the finest towels he could fine. I would get multiple gifts--jewelry, new cell phone, portable dvd player when they were new and very expensive. He bought me everything I could have desired. He loved me.

I hope OW appreciates him and his generous nature. He no longer works a swing shift and he's probably sent her flowers for tomorrow. He sent me flowers a grand total of three times during our 32 years together.

I hate my wayward husband. I miss my dear husband.

And that's what's been going on.

You know H&G, the more you talk, the more we and our WH's sound alike. My WH used to give me presents and then there came a time when he no longer did, and when I asked he said, "I already have you." I replied with, "Yea, but it doesn't mean you will KEEP me." We both let our DH's off too easily. This is something we need to fix about ourselves for our next marriage(either with our current H or a new one, if that's what we wish.

Now, as far as that trip to Scotland, maybe WE can go together? We could bring some other BW's from MB and have a GRAND OLD TIME. We could even visit the MBers on that side of the pond. It would be AWESOME. Do I have a date? Remember, I haven't had a date for a LONNNNGGGG time and I dunno if I can take the rejection.

You're right, this is something we definitely need to work on. I often think that if I had valued myself more, he would have also.

I haven't had a date since 1978 (you were 3!) so thanks for asking me. I'd love to go with a group of MBer's or just with you. We could look up Harmony and see what's going on since she's woefully lax about posting her update.

Not that I am CERTAIN, but one of two possibilities are most likely with Harmony not posting(you reading this Harm?) She is either going completely AGAINST what she has learned at MB and doesn't want to get dinged for it, or she needed to take a break from MB to process her own stuff. I am hoping for the second one as it would serve her best.

Now, there are a few things you will fond out about your vision/dream board(how's that coming BTW/). The first is that you may start to consciously decide on things based on your dream board. That's a GOOD thing, it's what you want. The other thing you will discover, and this one is completely AWESOME about it, is that you will find that you are getting things checked off of your dream board and you didn't DO anything to achieve it. Like Mitz winning the lottery and being able to pay for her cruise. Some things, they will seem to just "happen" to you. And then, you will also learn how to focus on the positives that you receive that AREN'T on your board. Believe me, it is GREAT.

About the dream board--I'm going to pick up some supplies from my classroom (shhhh!) and get to work on it this week. I like doing things like this (drawing, pasting, etc.) and I'm looking forward to it.

About Harmony--I agree with you. I'm hoping it's the latter, too.

So far, so good for today. It may be another matter later, but for now I'm doing okay .

H&G:

Flamingo doesn't like to fly either. So getting to Scotland would be a problem.... We would FLY over, then take the QE2 ship back. So, no worrying about the flight back...

Also, 5 years ago, we had to fly, so we got new wills, and life insurance, and other things, so she was no longer worried, as MUCH, about the trip. If the plane crashed, then DS18 would be taken care of, no matter what.

The new security procedures are revolting to her now, so, not much traveling by plane now. We are going to Bermuda via Crise Ship in September, however!

A thought for you: You sat around, and thought and thought about H. Time to make plans for your weekend, to fill up that time. You need to visit your grandchildren more often, for example.

Start your Dream board. We have one also. Every Jan 1st, we put what we would like to accomplish on it. And carry over the prior years, or update, and add new, as required. It interesting to review the past years, and what we have accomplished.

LG

LG, I wish I had grandkids, but none so far.

It sounds like you do a Dream board for each year or do you carry over things from year to year?

I brought home some supplies and will work on mine tonight. I'll fill it up completely as time goes on.

I'm going to take my mother and son to eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Happy Valentine's Day to US.

It's up to you what you want to do with the dream board. I still have the same one, and it was the first one I had made. I was thinking about updating it as well. I need to make a bigger one, I have more dreams now.

And about planes, they are actually quite safe. I was more afraid in a 747 than I was in a Cessna. I was an Air Cadet and I learned all about planes. The plane could lose both wings and it would be possible to still land it. You won't catch me in a helicopter though. Even physics doesn't explain how they fly.

Scotty, I was born on and have always lived near a large military reservation where helicopters were the primary form of transport. I'm totally used to the whop-whop of the blades as they fly over my house. Helicopters seem normal to me.

Airplanes? Scary! When they lost a plane in the Everglades of Florida--buried so thick in the muck of the swamp that it was never seen again--I became fearful of airplanes. Not for me--I will need Xanax to ever get on one.

You will have Xanax and ME. I live in Niagara Falls and kinda near the helicopter landing pad for the tourist helicopters, so I see A LOT of helicopters all summer long. All it takes is one SMALL nick in the blade and that puppy comes crashing DOWN.

So, if this is too personal you don't need to answer, but what did you put on your dream board? BTW, what colour are your toes? HEHEHEHE

Scotty, maybe I should put Niagara Falls on my dream board.

I'm going for long term and short term dreams. I'm definitely going to Florida this summer but only as far as Jacksonville to see my brother. I'll also go to Kansas to see my sister and spend some time with her. Long term dreams--Scotland (may need to start taking the Xanax NOW!), retirement, and a new car (WH gave me the one I have for our 30th anniversary. It's nice, but tainted.) The car may actually be a short term dream. However, it's in WH's name, and I'd need to get him to sign the title over to me.

I spoke to my sister this evening. She's flying in to be here with me next month during the custody/support hearing. I am so grateful for this! I *can* do anything, but it will be so helpful to have her here by my side.

My toenails are still rose. Am I supposed to change it or something?

Nope, you don't NEED to change those tootsies, just wanted to make sure you were maintaining them.

Niagara Falls is beautiful all year round but I LOVE it in the winter. In the summer, there are a lot of places to go hiking. I live close enough to the falls that in the summer, I can hear them with my bedroom window open.

It's been a rough day but for no particular reason.

I did do something positive, though. I finally mailed in my re-certification application. I don't know why it has taken me months to do it except that with the rest of my life is in limbo, I haven't seemed to care about my career.

Ironic, since I'll need a job if the divorce is finalized for the first time since my 30-year-old was born.

Having a teaching job has been nice and it enabled us to save money for our retirement. We saved money on our older 3 kids college tuition fees because I am a public school teacher. I've enjoyed having the same vacation days as my kids (still do, with younger DS).

But all of that seems so unimportant now. I feel as if I'd have been more of the wife DH wanted if I'd stayed home as a full time wife and mother. He said something about this before he moved out.

This makes no sense because OW is a college professor, and she's never been a housewife.

He also resents that I was able to complete college in my 30s while he had to work. Funny, I never heard any of this until OW filled his head with nonsense. Besides that, he earns 3x my salary without a degree, so what does it really matter?

Somewhere, yesterday, I read about the things WS's bring up to justify their affairs. Maybe this is why I've had a bad day--I've been remembering lots of baffling things he has said to me since D-day.

The worst was that I said something about my sex drive being lower, and that's just the way it's going to be (didn't, BTW) 30 years ago, and he says he's never forgotten it. First of all, no one should be held accountable for something said 30 years ago. Secondly, I never said that or anything like it.

So, what the heck? How can anyone dispute faulty memories? I know it's supposed to be the rewiring of a wayward's brain to accept their moral failures and offer a justification for their actions, but does their accurate memory ever come back?

Is it bouncing around somewhere in their cranium, resurfacing during dreams and off-guard moments? Or will they always believe the incredible notions they've adopted?

Bottom line. We didn't meet a couple emotional needs and they were vulnerable to affairs.
It wasn't whether you worked or didn't. It wasn't if you said one thing or another sometime over the years. It was the day in, day out meeting of all five of their most important emotional needs.
Rest assured, OP does not meet all five either. Nope. The wayward just found someone to meet the ones we didn't and mistake it for love. Cause we met the other needs. When we are not there....the needs the OP doesn't meet won't be met and the gap will allow for more dissatisfaction/cheating/whatever.

Do not even start with your career/lack of career, how much you traveled/didn't travel, comments you made about sex drives/or not.

Bottom line=five needs met.

Now we all know. Now we are smart beyond smart.

I've been told this many times before, but I still need to see it in print. Thank you for this.

I guess I'll believe it if he ever tries to contact me. He hasn't and that's sad and scary to me.

I wonder if his new need to call the kids is because he can no longer hear about them from me?

I think I'm obsessing too much today. Time to take DS to his piano lesson.

H&G, today is like any other day in Plan B, a day to process what has happened to you. Why one day/moment is harder or different than the rest lies in what stage you are in in that moment, and that can change frequently. Let it happen. Don't get stuck but don't avoid it either. You need to get through this. Everyone has different times it takes for their own healing, and none of those timetables are wrong.

Focus on taking that next step. When it is really bad, just focus on getting through that moment and KNOW that the next moment, you could be smiling. Remember that. Remember that it doesn't matter what you did before, it's what you do TODAY and TOMORROW that counts.

Remember when I PROMISED that if you stuck to MB and the plans, you would feel better in a year? How do you think I can PROMISE that(since I don't take promises lightly)? It's because I feel better. I feel better than I have IN YEARS. I KNOW who I am. I KNOW what I want. I AM PROUD of who I will become. I don't feel that way every moment, but I do most of the time now. I need to look back at my thread and my journal to remember the pain I went through because I sometimes forget. And the further into this I get, the less I remember. Weird huh?

I remember a couple of days after I started Plan B. I was so sad. I took the kids to the falls to watch the Olympic torch arrive. I remember listening to the Black Eyed Peas song, "I got a feeling." I remember that I smiled. I "caught" myself enjoying a moment in life, and I was shocked and I even felt a little guilty. I didn't think I would feel happy ever again. But I DO. And now, the good days, they come around more often and they seem to outweigh the bad ones.

H&G, let me tell you, I think we are living paralell lives!

WH also told me "things I did and said that he remembers...FROM 20 YEARS AGO!!" and he asked me WHY I did them and WHY I said them.
Honest to goodness. I was dumbfounded to say the least. PLUS all the things he remembered were NEGATIVE things. Not things like the first Valentines we shared together I tied about 40 valentine baloons on his truck, or all the cards I'd send him (we lived about 25 miles apart and didn't see each other everyday), nooooo he has to remember that back in 1990...YOU did this blah, blah, blah and YOU said this blah, blah, blah. Plus, some of things he said were mixed up with OTHER things that happened back then but in his head they all happened at the same time.

Granted my WH IS an alcoholic and that does wack-out your brain, but nothing at all that he's ever done compared to that. Not even the 1st A. When he was in A#1 it was all about what I hadn't done in the past year...so I KNOW it's not about what I did or didn't do because for the last 3 years I HAVE been doing those negative things he didn't like. That's probably why this time around he had to go back 20 years,there was nothing to criticise about me now.

Please don't take it personal. Yeah it hurts because they sound so truthful when they say it, and in their minds' eye it is the truth...as they see it. Not reality. Nothing in their mind speaks of reality. It's justification for their guilt they feel. I'm sure of it.

HOW could anyone be so selfish and how can someone just erase 20 years of life and start over, like the last 20, er... 46 years of his life never happened? And the tiny bit of memories that do weep in are delusional and misconstrued.

I also wonder if they ever regain the TRUE memories. I hope so.