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Oh okay, that is good to know..I will mail it to him I guess..I think if I try to email it to him, he will try to email me back.
I don't know that I want an IM. We really don't have any mutual friends.. He has never liked any of my friends and his friends are off too busy with their lives, plus most of them are jerks who egged him on with his affair. My parents don't live here, nor do his. I honestly know of anyone who can be an IM for us. How about if I just ask him to communicate with me regarding anything house related, kids etc. through email? I will suggest that texting will not work for me. That way he won't get an immediate response...which I am more likely to want to do when I see a text. Instead I will check my email when I get off work. For whatever reason, texting makes me emotional when I see his name pop up on my phone. You are defeating the purpose of Plan B by having contact with him, Trista. He doesn't have to like your friends. They're not playing the role of 'friend' to your WH. They are there to filter out the drama that your H will inevitably bring to the table by having contact with you. If you are in contact you are not in Plan B. I've been following your thread and I thought you were heading down the right path - now I'm worried about you. Don't be worried, I am still on the right track...I am just learning all there is to know about Plan B. Could I use his mother as an IM? Or should I leave her out of it. I thought that would be a good idea since she understands what I am going through with him, I know she would do it for me.
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Could I use his mother as an IM? Not a good idea. You need someone who understands MB Plan B. You need someone who can read messages without being a mother to anyone.
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Yes, try to find someone else...it's not a good plan to use family, IMHO.
Do you have a friend, preferably one your H also likes, who would be willing to read up on what an IM should do?
Mr. W linked the IM training school thread, you need someone who would read that and implement it.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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One more question before I go off to work...
I have been thinking about my Exposure letter/email all morning. Such as WHO I would send it to, and then WHAT I would say.
My question is, is it REALLY a good time to expose to her friends/family when he is ready to POP at anytime anyway? He is already questioning himself, even before PLAN B letter. Knowing my H, once OW tells him what I have done, that will put him in the mindset that I am a troublemaker and then that will make up his mind for him...he will want to be 100% with her..not the troublemaker.
I'm only ASKING you all. Doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. I would like some serious thoughts on this from you all.
I think in the beginning it would have worked, not almost 2 years later?? Or...do you really think it will work.
I have been informed by MIL that HER family thinks she is a SAINT. They already know that she dates married men, and has broken up other families...so it's not new news to them. I could just look like some bitter wife getting desperate cause my man is leaving me. I don't want it to look like that. She has a ton of money and in her adult childrens minds, she gets what she wants and no one says BOO about it or they'll be written out of the million dollar will.
I heard her middle son is a real JERK about the little town my MIL lives in with him and she said he thinks his SHXX don't stink...that is not someone I want to be writing an exposure letter to. He is gonna go, "ya, so what"......
My MIL doesn't think I should say anything to her family because it will only backfire on me.
Last edited by TristaB; 02/16/11 11:58 AM.
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One more question before I go off to work...
I have been thinking about my Exposure letter/email all morning. Such as WHO I would send it to, and then WHAT I would say.
My question is, is it REALLY a good time to expose to her friends/family when he is ready to POP at anytime anyway? He is already questioning himself, even before PLAN B letter. Knowing my H, once OW tells him what I have done, that will put him in the mindset that I am a troublemaker and then that will make up his mind for him...he will want to be 100% with her..not the troublemaker.
I'm only ASKING you all. Doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. I would like some serious thoughts on this from you all.
I think in the beginning it would have worked, not almost 2 years later?? Or...do you really think it will work.
I have been informed by MIL that HER family thinks she is a SAINT. They already know that she dates married men, and has broken up other families...so it's not new news to them. I could just look like some bitter wife getting desperate cause my man is leaving me. I don't want it to look like that. She has a ton of money and in her adult childrens minds, she gets what she wants and no one says BOO about it or they'll be written out of the million dollar will.
I heard her middle son is a real JERK about the little town my MIL lives in with him and she said he thinks his SHXX don't stink...that is not someone I want to be writing an exposure letter to. He is gonna go, "ya, so what"......
My MIL doesn't think I should say anything to her family because it will only backfire on me.
And I already know what most of you will say...well you're going dark PlanB anyway...so what does it matter...again...just asking.
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Yes, it's pretty much like telling him it's over and moving on with my life without him. If he decides he wants the marriage, then he has a piece of paper telling him what it would take to reconcile with me. Am I right? Nope! The basis of MB is that we like to be with people that make us feel good and we don't like to be around people that make us feel bad. Now these feelings for other people are in a $LB. A BS's $LB for the WS is being depleted during an A. Plan B is to remove you from the drama of the A. This will reduce depletion of your $LB. Because of his cake-eating you have been abused. Plan B will help you work on you, to be able to get to a healthier and stronger person. This will make it easier for you to be able to choose wither you want to stay in the marriage or move on. At some point if the A doesn't stop you will never want to R and you will want a D. Plan B removes you from meeting his ENs. The only other person that he will be able to go to then is the POSOW. This will cause great dissatisfaction with his Affair. POSOW is incapable of meeting his ENs. You've already provided an example of this already happening. The requirements of Plan B Letter spells out the specific things that WS has to do in order for you to even consider working on R. By him meeting the requirements of your Plan B it will show you his sincerity in wanting to commit to R. By you having to deal with FRs, your requirements must be very high. If they are too low then you will be in a FR. This can be a vicious cycle. Also this will only be enabling his cake-eater behavior. So Plan B is for you to protect yourself from $LB withdrawals. Work on making yourself a healthier and stronger person. Requirements in place in order for WS to show his sincerity for R.
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Will sending Exposure letter to POSOW family put pressure on the A?
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One more question before I go off to work...
I have been thinking about my Exposure letter/email all morning. Such as WHO I would send it to, and then WHAT I would say.
My question is, is it REALLY a good time to expose to her friends/family when he is ready to POP at anytime anyway? He is already questioning himself, even before PLAN B letter. Knowing my H, once OW tells him what I have done, that will put him in the mindset that I am a troublemaker and then that will make up his mind for him...he will want to be 100% with her..not the troublemaker.
I'm only ASKING you all. Doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. I would like some serious thoughts on this from you all.
I think in the beginning it would have worked, not almost 2 years later?? Or...do you really think it will work.
I have been informed by MIL that HER family thinks she is a SAINT. They already know that she dates married men, and has broken up other families...so it's not new news to them. I could just look like some bitter wife getting desperate cause my man is leaving me. I don't want it to look like that. She has a ton of money and in her adult childrens minds, she gets what she wants and no one says BOO about it or they'll be written out of the million dollar will.
I heard her middle son is a real JERK about the little town my MIL lives in with him and she said he thinks his SHXX don't stink...that is not someone I want to be writing an exposure letter to. He is gonna go, "ya, so what"......
My MIL doesn't think I should say anything to her family because it will only backfire on me. I've read most of this thread and this is making me a little crazy...those who cannot act QUICKLY and ASSUREDLY in exposure and Plan B often don't save their marriages. Who gives a rat's *ss if he's mad that you expose??? YOU are the one who should be FURIOUS! The A has gone on this long because he knows you have been a wimp thus far (sorry if that's hurtful) and there are no real repurcussions. EXPOSE already! My husband's affair died the DAY I EXPOSED and it had been going on a year.
Please just EXPOSE. Your situation is no different than anyone else's ~ affairs are all the same. I could just look like some bitter wife getting desperate cause my man is leaving me. QUITE ANALYZING what other's "might" think of you. Who CARES? These are obviously immoral folks and you can hold your head high and stand up for what is RIGHT and save your M or you can be worried that they are going to think you are "desperate". Seriously? This is keeping you up at nights? PLEASE quit asking us if this is going to work...you will not get anyone who says "yeah, never mind ~ your sitch is different , it might not work". You have how many posts on this thread TELLING you it's your only shot. How many more times are you going to ask us if we think it's going to work?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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My MIL doesn't think I should say anything to her family because it will only backfire on me. How many marriages has your MIL saved?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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My MIL doesn't think I should say anything to her family because it will only backfire on me. How many marriages has your MIL saved? That's what I was thinking too. It's normal to be fearful of something that you don't understand. We've all been there. We are also all on the other side of this telling you what you need to do. I have been around here for more than a year and I have NEVER seen ONE poster who exposed say that they regret it. There are TONNES who didn't expose, or exposed too late and regretted THAT decision. Which one would you rather be?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Dear WH
I apologize for my part in creating the conditions that helped make your affair possible. I feel that I set you up for seeking out someone else who would meet your emotional needs. For this I am deeply sorry. It was never my intention, but somehow I didn't understand how it was affecting you nor did I realize how to meet those important needs. Because I wasn't there for you, when you needed me the most, we are both now suffering for my mistake. Stop apologizing
Right now my heart is breaking writing this letter to you. I am breaking emotionally, physically, and mentally.I have reached my limit trying to hang on to our marriage. Something just snapped in me, and I knew that someday it would...I just really didn�t know when.
You have told me you cannot make up your mind and that you want both J and I. This is torture for me. We each played our role in this and chose our actions. I just cannot bear the pain anymore while you are still involved and giving your time and emotional/physical love to someone else. Please Understand that I am only doing this to protect myself from more pain, to protect my feelings for you and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery. Like you said before, you are emotionally exhausted. The toll on both of us has become too much.
That is why I made a decision that I do not want to have any contact with you till you leave the OW we must separate. I will not answer for phone calls, texts, emails. Any coorespondence that we have will be made through XXX. Through XXX please arrange when you would like to see our children and when you plan to pick them up so i will not be there. I do not want them to be exposed to the OW. I have told them that married people do not date. I expect you to keep the financial arrangements that we currently have. Until you decide to leave OW forever I do not want any contact with you at all.
(stop explaining or apologizing) I am not trying to punish you or make you feel any certain way about me/us. I am not trying to pressure you for anything. I am not trying to burden you. I know I mentioned ultimatum the other night, but that was the wrong word. This letter is not an ultimatum. I have never wanted to give you any ultimatums, hoping that you would choose the right door on your own. I feel terrible about what is going on but I have to be strong. I need to stop seeing or talking to you under these circumstances. Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you made the decision on your own and weren�t pressured to make that decision by me.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes of my past.. I want to continue to grow together in a marriage that we can rebuild. as a person and as your partner for life. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with J once and for all.
These are my conditions that you need to agree to otherwise I will remain in no contact.
Am I willing to work reconciliation? Absolutely, 100% if you are willing to do the work with me.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from J and are willing to follow the steps needed to make sure you have completely cut off all contact then I am more than willing to talk about our future. For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:
No contact with OW and sending her a letter ending the relationship
Access to your cell phone, PC and all passwords.
Complete transparancy about the affair
A sincere, remorseful apology
hy you think this happened (name the problem or main emotional needs I wasn�t meeting)
A detailed recovery plan through counseling (MB) for our marriage (what it is and how YOU plan to implement it)Proof that you have cut off all contact.. I know you like your privacy...but letting me check cell phone records and emails for 6 mos. so that I can build my trust back.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each others emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I believe we can learn from our mistakes and grow from them. We can rebuild our love and become a family again. A great family and marriage!
With regards to me and my actions in the last year and half, I believe that I really did try to address your emotional needs, but you wouldn�t let me in the door. One of my favorite things to do for you is cook your favorite meals. I do that out of love for you, with no expectations. I really do miss you kissing me after a meal and telling me how good it was. I know something so small, really meant a lot to me and I feel like that was an emotional need I was happy to take care of for you. Other small things, like bringing you a newspaper because I know you love a good Sunday paper or bringing you shaved ice on a hot day, buying iced tea cause I know you like it, taking you to the foot spa with me, meeting you as soon as you get off the plane because we can wait to see you are among a list of things I do for you out of pure love, during the worst emotional storm anyone could withstand. As for the emotional needs I wasn�t meeting in the past, I sure tried to meet them as best as I could for you in order to save us.
I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing J.
When you have permanently severed contact with her we can begin a recovery process will be overjoyed to talk about our future. My love for you has never wavered. I loved you in the beginning and I love you even more now.
[s]I want to be able to rebuild our marriage into a new life where we meet each other's emotional needs. Where our actions and everything we do makes both of us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer. I hope you realize how much I love talking with you and how much I miss your affection. I want you to be my best friend and lover.My hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your actions and commitment to your own personal recovery and healing. [/s]
From the bottom of my heart, I Love You. This is a quick look through. Way too much information and very repetitive. Keep it short to the heart and business at hand. Stop telling MIL about exposure. Just do it. Who cares what their reactions are? Do you think that your WH is interested in this crpyt keeper because she is wealthy? Is money and status important to him. Has she always been a cougar?
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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My question is, is it REALLY a good time to expose to her friends/family when he is ready to POP at anytime anyway? He is already questioning himself, even before PLAN B letter. Knowing my H, once OW tells him what I have done, that will put him in the mindset that I am a troublemaker and then that will make up his mind for him...he will want to be 100% with her..not the troublemaker. Now is the PERFECT time to expose the affair to her friends and family. It will cause great pressure in the affair at a time when it seems to be on crumbling legs. I have been informed by MIL that HER family thinks she is a SAINT. They already know that she dates married men, and has broken up other families...so it's not new news to them. I could just look like some bitter wife getting desperate cause my man is leaving me. I don't want it to look like that. Nope, it won't backfire. It will cause conflict and embarrassment for the affairees. It will force her to explain herself to others. Sure, there will always be those who will BLAME YOU, the victim, but the opinions of such crapwits are meaningless. Who cares what they think? Another benefit is that the OW will attack YOU to your WS, which will make him defensive. The affair is already on the ropes so this will further harm it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hope's editing is very good. I would use the edited version for sure. It says it all and it can sink into the wayward skull better during the darkness of you not being there for him anymore in plan B.
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Trista - you will NEVER be able to recover if he keeps his job. I promise that. You cannot recover on the weekends.
If he isn't willing to change jobs, then you should NOT accept him back. IMHO that should be one of your requirements. You may not have to list it, it could be subsumed in the overall 'plan to recover marriage' but it should be a boundary YOU set for your recovery.
The marriage you had is dead. You cannot go back to it.
You would need a new marriage.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Trista, Stay strong and get ready to fight! You will win this and I know that your WH is quite conflicted so now is the time to strike! Do not be afraid to do whatever is needed to save your family. Trust me, I was once a very sweet and timid woman who never thought she could pull off an exposure. And EXPOSE I did! Definitely send the letter and x out the areas you were told to leave out. YOU did not have the affair, HE and "GranHo" had the affair. Do not accept his blame for anything. Definitely EXPOSE to the OW's geriatric friends and her family and anybody she knows! Even her minister or priest too! Anybody and everybody she knows. Geez. If it were me, along with the letter, I'd send GranHo the letter (the copy that goes to the ow), along with some denturecream and a large bag of depends because I'd let her know that the world will know of her sordid creepy affair, that she'll freak out so bad her dang teeth will fall out and she'll lose control of her bowels.  Hell, I did that to the 33 year old "monkeyho" (my nickname for the blatant ow I dealt with) and that happened to her at 33 after I got done with her. I think she still hears my name (she knows some friends of my friends) and she probably has to make a run for the toilet out of sheer fear!  I'd also address that exposure letter to "Grandma OW's name". I'd also let the creature know that your kids DO NOT NEED ANOTHER grandmother, as they already have one (or more) in real life, and that she could not possibly expect to be in your league. This woman, this ow, sounds very stupid and blatant and that she doesn't care who she shows her vile cheating to. I'd make sure her friends on Facebook know that she's a geriatric homewrecker. Maybe somebody should suggest to her she go to live in one of those crazy World Golf Resort Villas in Florida. Ya'll know the ones, the place where there is the highest rate of STD's in the country right now. (google it!)There's plenty of dudes she would dig that are around her era. Anybody ever see "Sunset Daze" reality tv show? Do not stop down from this. Send the letter, and expose (do a nuclear obliteration exposure) via Facebook, and blow the lid off of this affair. It will cause so much trouble, the ol ho will be slowly creaking around trying to put out fires. I guarantee you, if her family knows granny is boinking a married man, and FATHER too, they will not welcome him into the fold.
Last edited by peachyisback; 02/16/11 05:22 PM.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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So I just got home from work and I am catching up, but I found the PERFECT IM today. She is a single woman who I have been watching her little boy off and on for since he was newborn. She brought him in today for a haircut. She is a good friend of our family and H is friends with her as well. I told her about what was going on (she kind of knew already but I updated her), then I asked her if she would be willing to be the IM for me and she said yes.
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So I just got home from work and I am catching up, but I found the PERFECT IM today. She is a single woman who I have been watching her little boy off and on for since he was newborn. She brought him in today for a haircut. She is a good friend of our family and H is friends with her as well. I told her about what was going on (she kind of knew already but I updated her), then I asked her if she would be willing to be the IM for me and she said yes. yippee!! Trista, she will need to agree to remain completely neutral and to pass on ONLY pertinent information about finances and child visitation IN HER OWN WORDS. She can't pass on any fogbabble or complaints. Does she understand Plan B? And if your H wants to come back, she will have to determine his sincerity and make sure he is willing to comply with your conditions. Will she do that? Here is a thread about the job of an IM: here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So I just got home from work and I am catching up, but I found the PERFECT IM today. She is a single woman who I have been watching her little boy off and on for since he was newborn. She brought him in today for a haircut. She is a good friend of our family and H is friends with her as well. I told her about what was going on (she kind of knew already but I updated her), then I asked her if she would be willing to be the IM for me and she said yes. Awesome. Remember...she is NOT a mediator attempting to negotiate the recovery of your marriage. She IS a filter allowing you to remain dark as much as possible such that your husband gets the full effect of life without you AND you protect your lovebank from further withdrawals AND you begin your preparation for a life beyond/after your husband should he submit to your stated boundaries for reconciliation. If your "friend" has questions...have her post them. Great to see Vibrissa, Hope, Peachy and others jumping in with MelodyLane. You've really got the MB all-stars helping you. Mr. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Exposure letter rough draft:
Dear GranHo's friends and family:
Please forgive the intrusion, but I am writing to you today to inform friends and family of Granny Ho's ongoing affair with my WH.
My intent is only to inform in hopes that friends and family do not condone this sort of behavior. I love my WH and have for 18 years of my life with him. We have 2 beautiful daughters who are heartbroken over this affair. WH has chosen to go back and forth between Granny Ho and myself for almost 2 years now. WH was not available nor single at the time Granny Ho met him, and chose to persue WH in spite of knowing full details of myself and children in the mix. WH and I have tried several times to reunite, but Granny Ho continues to persue even when she knew we were trying to reunite. WH is no angel in this affair, so I am not fully throwing the blame on Granny Ho, as we all know it "takes two to tango."
What else should I put?? How to end it?
What to take out??
thanks all!!
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[quote=TristaB]Exposure letter rough draft:
Dear GranHo's friends and family:
Please forgive the intrusion, but I am writing to you today to inform friends and family of Granny Ho's ongoing affair with my WH, Joe Blow, and to ask for your help. [put his full name]
I have been married to Joe for 18 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters, aged 4 and 7. The affair has been taking place now for 2 years and I would be happy to provide evidence to anyone who asks. We are all heartbroken about this affair as this threatens to break up our family if it doesn't stop.
Since you are a friend or family of GrannyHo, I am asking that you use your influence to persuade GH to leave my husband alone. There is no future in her affair with my husband because she will be eternally hated by my in-laws and our children for breaking up their family. GH is no respector of marriage, so I would warn you to watch your marriage around her too.
For follow up questions, please feel free to call or email me at XXX@XXX.com
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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