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People who do not have a myopic view of me know who I am. Good grief luri, are you talking about us here? WE have a "myopic view" of you? Do you realize that in just about every single post of yours, you somehow bring up how horribly you are treated here? Or maybe just in the world? You could be a real asset to this board, luri, if you dropped the defensiveness. You seem truly remorseful but it gets old how every.single.one.of.your.posts complains about how poorly others see you. Please think about this. Please just be an asset to the board and quit feeling so attacked. NO ONE is attacking you. Oh my goodnes, Luri...I truly think you are a wonderful person...I mean from what I know of you on here (unless you are hiding an evil side from us)...  ... 
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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This reminded me of a situation over on the private forum where a BW received a letter from the OW so I went and looked up the post. I see the same callousness and lack of empathy being demonstrated in this situation: Dear Dr. Harley, Today, 2.5 years after the discovery of the affair and a little over one year since the last contact between her and my husband that I know about, I received in the mail a handwritten note from the other woman. It was brief: I am sorry for the pain I have caused in your life. Signed by her. Carolina39: I can't imagine what would be gained by contacting the OW. It's like the rapist wanting to meet his victim to apologize. Why would she want to go through it? On the other hand, I would imagine that the OW is sincerely sorry for what she did, not because of how it's affected you, but how it's affected her. Affairs are eventually devastating to everyone, and when they're over, the perpetrators can see rather clearly that what they thought was to their advantage (although they knew it was to their spouse's disadvantage) is in fact to their disadvantage as well. They lose everything for nothing and cause incredible suffering to those who they had promised to protect. Put this nightmare behind you. Don't contact the OW. Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr. here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Once again I have "fallen out of favor" (big deal) HUH? With who? I am confused.  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I'm sorry. I didn't realize that 2221 posts had all been defensive. And I was a real asset (not my words, others') until 2 days ago when I used the word bitter. The thing is....I am not attacked by the world. Like I said, it just seems to happen every once in awhile in a very narrow realm. I'll never be perfect. Maybe I'm just a big picture person. If someone is generally on the right track and doing helpful things and has a slip up every now and then......it just doesn't radically shift my opinion of them. maybe it's from growing up in a house where I was only as valuable and worthy as I had been in their view in the last 24 hours....it was like being on constant probation. Principles of MB saved our M, and there are people here who have given me valuable, yes even life-changing, insight. Maybe I just care too much about being "okay" in MB's eyes. So when I think I have "failed," I get.....really sad. These were the boundaries I spent a lot of time thinking about. Maybe I am just too......prone to humanness or something to be a consistent asset to message boards. And whatever you do, please don't say "I'm sorry you feel that way."
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A new vow/marriage has been made with NC and her husband and that needs to be honoroed if possible. So the bank robber has made a vow to never rob another bank but is still spending the money from the first bank??? THAT is repentance? We're going to have to agree to disagree, this is going nowhere. I do not agree with your interpretations of the bible and you don't agree with mine. Well, MF....If the robber made a "vow" to spend the stolen money that was already stolen, mind you....well then he can spend it, right? He must honor that "vow"...Just as long as he promises not to steal again...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I'm sorry, Mrs. Wondering. Just ignore me....I'm...weird. I tried something. It didn't work.
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I'm sorry. I didn't realize that 2221 posts had all been defensive. And I was a real asset (not my words, others') until 2 days ago when I used the word bitter. The thing is....I am not attacked by the world. Like I said, it just seems to happen every once in awhile in a very narrow realm. I'll never be perfect. Maybe I'm just a big picture person. If someone is generally on the right track and doing helpful things and has a slip up every now and then......it just doesn't radically shift my opinion of them. maybe it's from growing up in a house where I was only as valuable and worthy as I had been in their view in the last 24 hours....it was like being on constant probation. Principles of MB saved our M, and there are people here who have given me valuable, yes even life-changing, insight. Maybe I just care too much about being "okay" in MB's eyes. So when I think I have "failed," I get.....really sad. These were the boundaries I spent a lot of time thinking about. Maybe I am just too......prone to humanness or something to be a consistent asset to message boards. And whatever you do, please don't say "I'm sorry you feel that way."  Luri....YOU ARE AN ASSET TO THESE BOARDS!!!..And I admit...I AM BITTER, I AM!!!!!...Getting better..but still a little bitter... Just doesnt sound good when someone else calls me it, but it is true...and you already apologized for it...so I am over it...I have had to apologize to people myself...I am the same way...sometimes I take a little break from the board, cuz I am sensitive like that...(I am not saying YOU are sensitive, mind you)...But dont take anything too personally, I truly beleive that you are loved on here...and definitely by me...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I'm sorry, Mrs. Wondering. Just ignore me....I'm...weird. I tried something. It didn't work. Luri... From me to you...You have been and ARE an asset to this forum...I wish very much that you would stay HERE and continue as such...You have been inspirational and healing to me more than you know...There is even a song on a CD that I play in my car all the time that makes me think of you -- I've almost posted the words to you before, and got busy and didn't do it...Luri, more people here than you know root for you and have respect for you... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Yes...that is my belief... So....you believe that the privilege of remarriage for a WS depends upon whether they are forgiven by God? How would that be determined by us humans? I guess it can't, obviously by the length of this thread, some things are to be left between God and each person. Our interpretation of the Law falls short in this, I believe that is the point of giving ot to us. Its Gods Law, and we understand it is good. It guides us in life, and teaches us what we would not learn on our own, because we would stumble and fall constantly. But because we agree with the law, we also use it to hold ourselves up over others, comparing and juddging whether others are deserving forgivness from God. Makes me think of the scripture allready quoted about removing the speck from anothers eye, when we need the plank removed from our own, when it comes to the Law of God. I think Markos mentioned that this debate is ageless, and that shcolars have done it for centuries. I am enjoying this thread though, and getting a lot of good things from it. Mostly the clear understanding that what God wants most, is for me to agree with Him,and to let him reign in my spirit.
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I'm sorry. I didn't realize that 2221 posts had all been defensive. And I was a real asset (not my words, others') until 2 days ago when I used the word bitter. The thing is....I am not attacked by the world. Like I said, it just seems to happen every once in awhile in a very narrow realm. I'll never be perfect. Maybe I'm just a big picture person. If someone is generally on the right track and doing helpful things and has a slip up every now and then......it just doesn't radically shift my opinion of them. maybe it's from growing up in a house where I was only as valuable and worthy as I had been in their view in the last 24 hours....it was like being on constant probation. Principles of MB saved our M, and there are people here who have given me valuable, yes even life-changing, insight. Maybe I just care too much about being "okay" in MB's eyes. So when I think I have "failed," I get.....really sad. These were the boundaries I spent a lot of time thinking about. Maybe I am just too......prone to humanness or something to be a consistent asset to message boards. And whatever you do, please don't say "I'm sorry you feel that way." I don't think anyone around here see you as a failure. Not hardly. The difference between your situation and this OP's situation is that the OP married her AP and is STILL married to him. God gives us discernment. Some of us even have the gift of discernment. Now whether we have the ears to hear is another story. Your ears are hearing criticism against you where there is none. I LOVE reading your posts. You have a lot of wisdom to offer. As someone who has been betrayed in the worst way, when I first read this OP's post I was moved. I believe her motives are pure. Now that she feels she has her "answer", however, she can't expect that everyone will see her in the same light. They won't. Not on this board. Not the newbies who come in here with fresh wounds. Not the ones who have lost their marriages to someone just like her. The kind thing for this OP to do is to seek one-on-one counseling with Dr. H. I don't think other BSs will appreciate her offering "advice" on their threads. I wouldn't.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 02/22/11 07:29 PM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Still, I am sensitive, too much so. It has always been a weakness of mine. And I compound things by calling attention to it. I hate doing that. It used to really affect my M. DH was afraid to voice complaints, not because I would cuss him out, but because I would allow myself to go into a failure spiral. Emphasis on "allow myself." Because I am responsible for what I do with that sensitivity. I have actually made a good bit of progress....but I still slip.
And you know.....I really think bitterness was a bad word. It's only bitter when someone WANTS to hold onto their pain. It's not bitterness when the pain just won't let them go.
Remarriage, no remarriage....one thing this thread and the age old debate exemplifies is that sin always...always has a price. And while we may be spared the eternal consequences, there are always earthly ones. And that when God said "Thou shalt not commit adultery," just like with every other command....He said it for our good and our protection, to spare pain and keep us close to Him. He knows what He's talking about.
Over the last couple of years due to some circumstances I have become more isolated from IRL people. And you all have been privy to my.......interesting personal ride because at the end of the day there is trust there (me trusting you). Lucky you! Haha. But seriously, God, my DH, a couple of IRL friends, and a couple of web sites....that is my circle of trust. It probably doesn't feel like a compliment when I go all dramatic and bipolar.....but it is. Or it's meant to be.
Okay, drama queen moment over...again...hopefully for a few long months this time.
DON'T CHEAT!! It will make you crazier than you already are!
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A new vow/marriage has been made with NC and her husband and that needs to be honoroed if possible. So the bank robber has made a vow to never rob another bank but is still spending the money from the first bank??? THAT is repentance? We're going to have to agree to disagree, this is going nowhere. I do not agree with your interpretations of the bible and you don't agree with mine. What I said was the money is spent and can't be recovered. Like the husband has been stolen and cannot be returned. The bank either can't get the money back or doesn't want it anymore because they are using an entire different set of currency. NC's husband was divorced by his first wife. She is remarried and doesn't want him back. Nothing more can be done to right this wrong except to NOT do it again. And I am willing to bet NC will go to great lengths to not be an adulteress again. You are right though that we will not agree on this topic.
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Luri(it's still easier for me to KNOW this is You ), I get ANGRY when someone says I am BITTER. I am NOT bitter. I am ANGRY, HURT and SADDENED by my WH's A but I am NOT bitter. I hold NO malice for my WH OR OW. I want them to live the consequences of their actions, whatever those may be, but I do NOT wish HARM. I pray for them to see the error in their ways and return to what is right. That to me is NOT bitter, but I am AGAINST affairages. I believe that the reason that some posters point out what you say and the words is use, is for YOU to learn something. See, you were the WS and you may not realize what triggers a BS can experience. I don't believe it was a personal attack, but as we sometimes tell others who are posting here, when something rings true and bothers you, why don't you try to figure out WHY. NC, I am glad that you told your DD17 about the affair, I am sad, however, that she was not more angered about it. I know she was young when it happened, I am only concerned that her moral compass might be off. Did you tell her that it was okay to be angry with you, and your WH? Does she have a relationship with her bio-dad? Does she know about your WH's A in THIS M? I am asking you these questions more to help YOU since I am now going to ignore you. This is the way that I protect MYSELF from the pain of affairs. When I find out someone is in an affairage, I ignore the poster, as I sometimes forget who is who. I will NOT help an affairage. I have received A LOT of help on these forums, and if I were to find out that your WH's XBW once posted, or even read on these forums and I would be helping her XWH's affairage, I couldn't forgive myself. Maybe you can learn something more about the pain you helped cause in XBW's life, and how it continues, by reading other people's threads. Only to get a better understanding of what a truly devastating thing you helped do to her. Some may say that since your WH has now "cheated" on you, you would feel it too, but I disagree, as you KNEW you married an adulterer, his XBW did NOT. In a sense, you saw it coming, even if you thought you would be different. I wish the best for you, I do not see that with your WH, I am afraid. You have made your choice, and I will leave you to it. Good-bye.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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DON'T CHEAT!! It will make you crazier than you already are! We should put this on a t-shirt. 
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I have been debating this issue with the heaviest of hearts for so long and I feel like through you all God has finally given me a peace today about what I can do. I believe I can reconcile with my husband and work on our marriage. Glad to hear this. (I hope he doesnt repeat his pattern) I do realize that I will always have earthly consequences for my adultery. I know that to my human peers it still reeks. I am not trying to glamorize my sin, only the amazing power of God to heal and restore our soul. This is true. As your other post (If you are thinking of marrying your affair partner) says so well....it didn't turn out like what you imagined. I don't think I can be much of a witness considering the circumstances of my affair. Someone here, and forgive me for not remembering who, pointed out that it could inadvertently be seen as an endorsement for "affairage" because we would still be together. I don't think of your story as an endorsement for affairages. To the contrary...who would want to go through the pain you have suffered (self inflicted though it is) I can assure you though that you will trigger BSs at times. I would think you would have valuable insight to share with WSs on the brink. I will continue with my plan to confess to my children. I will be sharing all of this with my husband. I will also wait until God shows me the appropriate time and manner in which to repent to the BW. He will know when it is the right time and I am going to listen very carefully. I assume his children are now grown. I think apologies to his children and to your own would go a long ways toward restoring your peace. To the BW....I'm unsure of that one either way. Peace to you. I agree with SW, and this thread has been very theraputic to me also. I hope you stick around and help as God leads you.
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Still, I am sensitive, too much so. It has always been a weakness of mine. And I compound things by calling attention to it. I hate doing that. It used to really affect my M. DH was afraid to voice complaints, not because I would cuss him out, but because I would allow myself to go into a failure spiral. Emphasis on "allow myself." Because I am responsible for what I do with that sensitivity. I have actually made a good bit of progress....but I still slip.
And you know.....I really think bitterness was a bad word. It's only bitter when someone WANTS to hold onto their pain. It's not bitterness when the pain just won't let them go.
Remarriage, no remarriage....one thing this thread and the age old debate exemplifies is that sin always...always has a price. And while we may be spared the eternal consequences, there are always earthly ones. And that when God said "Thou shalt not commit adultery," just like with every other command....He said it for our good and our protection, to spare pain and keep us close to Him. He knows what He's talking about.
Over the last couple of years due to some circumstances I have become more isolated from IRL people. And you all have been privy to my.......interesting personal ride because at the end of the day there is trust there (me trusting you). Lucky you! Haha. But seriously, God, my DH, a couple of IRL friends, and a couple of web sites....that is my circle of trust. It probably doesn't feel like a compliment when I go all dramatic and bipolar.....but it is. Or it's meant to be.
Okay, drama queen moment over...again...hopefully for a few long months this time.
DON'T CHEAT!! It will make you crazier than you already are! I understand you, more that you could ever know.....I am very sesitive to critisism also....and my depression does not help...and I know you are bipolar...Maybe that is what makes us more sensitive, IDK...But I do know that you are one of the people whose posts i read and one of the posters that I truly respect on here...So dont you dare go anywhere, got it?!
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Would any one of you here want an apology? Would it upset you more to have it brought up and feel it disrespectful or would you have any peace knowing that your pain was acknowledged and that the person who caused it owned it? If you're still married to this man and intend to remain so then don't even think about it. It will be like a former SS officer meeting families of Jews he slaughtered so that he can apologize and unburden his guilt. Leave the woman well alone.
Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13½ years
Married: 10 years
PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008
......
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See ya on the other side NC.
God Bless
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Thanks for the Link stilly, but God already dealt with my W.
Just look at sigline
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Oh...yeah....Sorry, CP....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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