SusieQ I respect your viewpoints and thank you for sharing them with me.

Mr.NiceGuy I was already divorced when I became involved in an affair. My children know why their father and I divorced. And all of the rest of both mine and my husbands family know we had an affair. The only people who didn't were my two children because they were very young and now that they are older, I still haven't told them. You are right though. I need to do that. It is the truth of who I was I will tell them.

MaritalBliss a blog is an idea I had not thought of but SusieQ has me rethinking the value of my experience if I remain married to my husband. I have had a lot of counsel that I have to leave to truly repent and even more counsel that I have been forgiven and divorcing again would be just another sin. See this is why I say I wish people could realize before it is too late the place they are putting themselves in, its all very confusing and painful to everyone. And, there is no way you can rightfully feel sorry for yourself or expect any sympathy so it is very scary and lonely.

I dont think that you should divorce or anything...the exBW is remarried, right? She has moved on... Everyone makes mistakes, your forgivness needs to be between you an God...and I agree you should tell your children and tell them what a bad choice it was and how you realize this now...Apologizing to the exBW would be moot now, IMHO...You are still with her ex...

Stillhere I will not contact the exBW. That point came across pretty strongly in the responses. Thanks for your words on forgiveness. It's hard to figure sometimes with so many conflicting opinions and your own guilt weighing on you. I will tell my children though.

Your "soul mate?" What is that exactly?

Contacting this BW would be like contacting a victim of arson and saying, "Hey, I'm sorry I burned down your house, but you have another house to live in now so it shouldn't matter anymore, right? I mean, it doesn't bother you that I built a new house on your burned-out property, does it?"

Again: This would just be rubbing it in her face that you burned down her house, you forced her out and you kept her property for yourself and there's nothing she can do about it now.

The only time to apologize is when you no longer have what you took from her - like her husband and her child.

Good Luck.

I think she meant to say "stolen mate"....

NewCreation, you, like me, have sinned in a terrible way. The question now is.....do you live honestly and with integrity from this day forward, or do you leave your now H, have your children go through another D, then your now H attempts to break up his exW's now marriage so he can get back with her?

I can understand why that convoluted solution might sound appealing to someone who is very very hurt by adultery....but I don't think it makes much sense.

If the God whose Son was put to death by all our sin has forgiven you because you have repented, I would say live as a new creation now. I would advise telling your children because they WILL find out one day. My kids were 10 and 8, and we told them.

I don't know that I would share a testimony at church in my case because of my kids (even though they know). But I do try to give some bits of my limited wisdom to other people on forums and IRL. I am doing a good bit of writing, and a dream of mine is to write a Bible-based book about the steps a WW should take toward repentance and redemption. If you think about it.....Jesus poured his life into just 12 men, 3 of them very closely. If only a handful of people can learn from my story.....that is something, some sort of impact.

NewCreation,

You ask more than one question, really.

1. "Should you apologize?"
2. "Is it too late to apologize?"
3. "Would a BS want an apology?"
4. "Would an apology make a difference to a BS?"

Among others.

Apologies might serve many purposes, one of which is to alleviate the guilty party's sense of wrong and help them set themselves on what they feel is a new path.

That is truly part of what you need, and part of your motivation. There is no shame in this, and your need to apologize is actually something you should be honored for. It shows that you do have a sense of shame for what you have done, and that you do want to do something to try to repair the damage, at least in whatever small way you might be able to do that.

IMHO, an apology is in order. You say you and the BW are both of the Christian faith. There are ways that within your faith you could do this. One might be for you to send her a letter. In that letter, you should take full responsibility, apologize, and express your remorse.

Another way might be to send the letter, but to also include in it an offer to meet with her in person, with her pastor present, so you can also offer this apology in person so that she can openly express to you whatever she might need to say. In that letter, let her know that you would NOT defend your actions, but you would be prepared to listen to her pain, her devastation, and that you would not offer any justification or explanation for your behavior - but would apologize again and be open to anything she might have to say to give you ideas for making restitution to her in a Christian way.

The second option takes courage.


She likely will not accept.


But you would have offered her something that she would not have expected, and most likely would see as a "real" apology - worth more than the first.


As a betrayed wife, the OW in my case apologized. It was over the telephone. She cried, because she heard my devastation - and only after that did she understand what pain SHE CAUSED to me (I was her former friend). While in the affair, she never gave it a second thought. She was, and is, married. I asked her why she could see MY pain, and not her own husband's pain????

She said "My husband can take it. He's been through it before."


That. Is. Not. Remorse.


I realized she had no idea.......


You do. I can see it in your post.


So yes. Apologize. Take the short route with a letter, or the longer letter with an offer to meet with the pastor and BW.

But yes, apologize. It is one step in your recovery. And one thing that the BW can look at and say, "At LEAST there is that. At LEAST she admitted she was wrong."


It won't fix anything. But there is a sense of some kind of setting things more on track - at least a little bit.

Schoolbus.

Hi there creation,

I think the problem is that you can't change what has happened and saying you are sorry just doesn't cut it when it comes to the pain the XW has felt, when she found out about your affair with her husband to losing him to you to live her life watching you live the life she thought was hers.............It won't make any difference, she can't think about you any other way........you destroyed her life..........
I am so glad you have come to a place in your life where you have matured and now understand what you have done.........I am glad you at least can see your error in judgement.........It's always the innocent that are hurt the worst........all you can do is honor her when the situations periodically happens where she shows anger..........she is entitled and just something that you are going to try to help fix for her family, what she has left.........you owe her for however long and whatever it takes with her children...........
I would leave the woman alone and just try to help where I could, I would tell my children when the time is right so they understand the real reasons, they will forgive you as well.......keep praying for everyone involved and say a special pray everyday for the XW, that's all you can do......don't hurt her again........

Here is my ....

Opinion:

Write an apology letter.
Put it in a "God box" .... and leave it there.

You cannot fix this.
Leave it to God.

NewCreation2011, you may be a born again Christian but to my way of thinking you are still an egotistical narcissist! You want to apologize for yourself, not for the other woman. You have learned NOTHING!!

I think your best bet is letting your family and children know the real version how you met their father.

Don't bother the BW help your children to affair proof their marriages.

We are commanded in scripture to ask for forgiveness for those we have offended, id at least go that far...

Can't help but comment. In fourteen years if OM shows up at my door, god help him.

As a BS I would never want an apology from you, TOO LATE!! the damage is done. Live your life and leave her alone. You made your mistakes, live with them. Enjoy your marriage.

As a BS who is currently in Plan B and dealing with an ACTIVE affair where my WH lives with OW, I am in too much of my own pain to answer you without my own prejudices. I do not know what the BW in your case would say to such an apology. The emotional side of me says, "NO WAY." The other side is torn. It really IS up to you.

Now, I have a question for you, why did you come HERE? What made you pick THIS site at THIS time to ask THIS question? It's more about curiosity than anything else.

I tend to go with what school bus said, and with the apology. Here are my reasons.

You can tell your kids someday, now whenever, how and why there is trouble between you and OW, and why it will allways be there. That they need to think before they act, and how you and your husband did not, and how devestating and selfish it was.

Going to a someone you have wronged and apologizing is part of spiritual restoration, it restores them. I am not fooled that you are doing this for any other reason than to appease your conscience, you are, but you are not gonna get forgiveness from BW, but from Christ. As long as you know this, and don't expect her to forgive you, you may help her see that the hens have come home to roost, and you are suffering. God help you if you expect this woman to forgive you, and God help her if she does. Get it over quickly, and have a pastor present. Then let it go forever.

Finnally, in my experience, when the OM called me one day and said he was sorry, after he had bought all the tripe my WW had fed him. It made me feel better a little. I still wanted to put a bullit in his stupid head for being the idiot he was, and how he helped my wife go deeper into denial and drugs, but it made me feel better to know the truth was revealed, and gave me confidance that God would be served.


Maybe you should get your pastor to talk to hers, and have them make the decision. Since it could be healing, or offending.

My biggest concern is for your children, and how they will deal with thier choices and how it effects thier future. You seem to be willing to take your lumps. You want to avoid them having to suffer the fallout, as you realize how damaging it is.

You can post your story, but I suggest you read here awhile before you do. Understand that most here absolutly hate affairs and/or are currently suffering from the devestating damage they cause. You will see and appreciate this as you read, and even learn as you do, so you can post effectivly.

Melodylane I put "soul mate" in quotation marks because I meant it sarcastically because just like script it is what we thought we were and it is poop.

I have been reading on here for a long, long time and have never posted. I found this site when the realization of what I had done really began to hit me, my marriage began to suffer, and I did not know what to do. God used the stories on this board to convict me and grow me in many ways.

I know a lot of how bad what I did was because of some of the stories here. I also know because surprise surprise my now husband cheated on me too. I know serves me right. Throw the darts. I know that even though I wanted to have a support place like this for my struggle I knew I had no right to it and wouldn't have dared to ask.

I have tried very hard not to look like I am defending myself in any way here because there is no defense but I am going to say for those who will automatically assume that I came here and felt sorry for what I did only after I got cheated on too that is not the case. I lived in a separate bedroom for nearly a year, going to counseling, and praying and reading and trying to figure out whether the biblical thing to do to correct my sin was to divorce or not. All this took place before I was cheated on too. And no I didn't really use any of the tools here in my case because I was hit so hard with feeling like I was getting what I deserved and feeling doubly miserable having to realize the depth of the pain I caused someone else. And no, I do not expect one soul here to feel a bit of sympathy for me! Seriously I do not.

I chose this place to ask this question now because I think the answers here are the right ones and the viewpoints here on marriage are the Godly ones. I wanted good and truthful answers. Not a sugar coated one and I knew no one here would care about my feelings at all but solely those of the BW and that is what I needed to know to try to make a decision about the apology. Scotland I hope that answers your questions.

I am going to think on the suggestion about going through the pastors. Unfortunately the answers here go back and forth just like I do in my thinking about to apologize or not apologize.

NewCreation,

I am a former bw, whose XH immediately married the pregnant ow with whom he had an affair.

He told me he was in love with her, that she was his "soul mate" and that she'd be the mother of their child and OUR child (my dear son). He conspired along with her to try to get more custody in the divorce process btw.

I ended up forgiving her, because I am a Christian, but sadly IF YOU DO NOT TRULY REPENT, you will not ever be truly changed.

My xh and the ow/wife ARE NOW DIVORCING after being married literally the next day after our divorce was final in Jan. of 2004.

More cheating. Both professed Christians. She is not yet legally divorced, but began dating (cheating) again 6 months ago. During their time as "soul mates", they stole precious time away from my time with my son, and that is how I see it now.

I finally have sole custody, after them having three days of the week with my son for about five years. The last two having my son ALL THE TIME with me is what I deserved long ago.

YOU conspired WITH her husband to BETRAY AND HARM HER (the betrayed wife). Yes you did. 100 percent. I have personally forgiven due to my faith, the xow, but will NEVER FORGET what she and my xh did to me.

And yes, it was the MOST PAINFUL thing I have ever gone through. Having your baby ripped from your arms, going to stay in the home of my former husband and the woman who destroyed my family, even if it were only for a few days a week here and there. YOU have STOLEN time away from HER CHILDREN and ripped apart her family.

Yes, I was freed by God from the chains of my marriage from my xh. My faith and the Bible tells me that, since he was and is 100 PERCENT UNREPENTANT, as YOU are and as YOUR HUSBAND is, as long as you both are married. You and also ripping apart the children from the original family unit and from their mother.

What's kinda funny, is that after my second year divorced, my xh realized the HUGE mistake he'd made by marrying the pregnant ow, and actually asked ME OUT. I turned him down as I don't date married men. When you're in an AFFAIRAGE (marriage as the result from a sleazy affair), how can you ever truly trust your "soul mate"? Seriously. If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

He began cheating on her shortly after that, and she began cheating on him this summer. They have a child together, and my poor son hasn't seen his half sister since before Christmas, since the xow has moved on with her "new life" now. Funny now, but her having a relationship with her daughter and my son (and to think this woman wanted to be "like my son's mom too" was what I was told) she has not tried to ever see my son at all. She has dropped my son like a hot potato since she is moving on to another guy...and another. Like she really wanted to be "the mother" of my son like she said to my xh when she was trying to reel in a marrid man.

So I'm happy to tell the truth. No darts here, just simple, plain facts and the truth. I could even be the betrayed wife of your ex, you don't know.

My pastor told me I was freed and given the GO AHEAD BY GOD to remarry, due to the fact my xh was a reprobate (one who does not repent of their sin) and how he had cast me aside (what your husband DID TO HIS WIFE).

I remarried last year to an amazing man. Happier than ever. We are in love and he treats me 100 percent better and our lives are amazing. He is now the dad my son SHOULD have had all along. I have nothing to hide. Our friends and family all FULLY EMBRACED our marriage, because of the fact we didn't lie, cheat, or steal to be together. Our love story is REAL and it is the kind of healing and future I wish for all betrayed spouses who endure what I had to go through.

While I am happier now than I have ever been in my life, I will NEVER forget what my xh and his ow did to me. NEVER. It was more painful than you could imagine. I put it right up there to the pain I felt when my father died, when my grandparents died, and sometimes, during quiet, random, moments, some of those horrible memories will replay in your mind. yes, I would suppose that also happens to your wayward husband's betrayed ex wife.

You have in a way, sentenced her to a life of that replay of horrible pain and memories. While she may have forgiven you with faith and with God's help, it will still NEVER remove those memories and she will endure those replays for life.

Isn't your marriage romantic now? Isn't living a life with its' foundations built on lies and deceit the way to go? Unless you take a real hard look within, lose that damn ego, you will mostl ikely face what my xh and his soon to be ex other woman wife will too.

Honey, you will NEVER know how bad you hurt another living human being. Never ever know. Maybe when you face God at the end of your life, you will be granted that wisdom, but I truly hope that nobody has to experience the pain of what my child and I endured at the hand of a woman who COVETED MY LIFE AND HUSBAND AND CHILD, wanted to simply cut me out of the picture and paste herself into my life, and that is something that will never fade in time. And also experience the pain of betrayal from one that promised to love and honor you ALL the days of your life as your husband.