It's looking like more votes to leave things be than to apologize. I am still open to hearing opinions on this but from what i see so far it appears it would come off as self-serving to contact her now. I do not want to do that.

Do you have children together with your affair partner/now H?

If no then I can't see how divorce would be any worse than what you are doing now ~ basically living in an illigit marriage.

If you do have children with him then I am not sure about the pain those children would go through...you sure made a mess out of things, didn't you?

I guess it really or possibly depends on how it all played out between Newcreations hubbies previous marriage and how the affair started?? Maybe NEw Creations HUbby should be the one to make the apology? If one needs to be sent at all??

I see what Mulan is getting at tho .. It may be considered cruel to bring up that erra of time in her life again. She could be happily married to her new hubby and then you come back into the picture after she thought you and her ex were gone living happily ever after in what was once a fantasy that turned into reality?? Its all really sour tasting tho ..

Like i said ... pray about it NewCreation ... ask god. If you are truely a follower of christ you would first ask what would jesus do? I am sure if you had asked that qustion prior to the affair .. he would have turned over your tables and had a tantrum like he did in the synagog .. however .. you were most likely not a follower then. But since you are now ... I would accept my forgivness in Jesus .. and leave it at that and not disturb their family. I think if you did contact them you would only reignite some strife and casue her hubby to be upset that his wife is in a form of contact with her ex.

Vets .. correct me if I am wrong here ...*shrugs*

Gack her younger child in her early teens didn't like Mom's rules and decided living with Dad would be more fun. They let kids decide for the most part after a certain age. She didn't find it more fun as we had rules too but she did stay. She doens't like me much and it was challenging. One of the many challenges I created for myself!

MarriedForever, yes I did make a big mess of things.

I am not an OW, but I am a FWW...so I definitely did a terrible thing and was in dire need of repentance and God's grace.

You are married. She is now married as well. It has been several years. I would just leave well enough alone. It sounds like you are feeling guilt...which is understandable. But most likely it would open more wounds than it would heal at this point.

Based on your screen name, I assume you have read II Cor. 5:17. So have I. What I did in 2006 was indefensible. I should never have done it. But based on I John 1:9, I have been forgiven and cleansed of all unrighteousness, and based on II Cor. 5:17 I am a new creation. The best way for me to show gratitude for that is to live my life in a way that pleases the One who died for me every single day.

Twan .... well said. If i could figure out how to do the clapping smily .. id post it.

1996 wasn't THAT long ago.

Yes it was ... lol ... in 1996 i was like .. 18 years old. IM 33 now. 1/2 my life since then has already gone by. (almost)

*shrugs*

I think the reason it nags at me whether to apologize is that unlike what Mr.NiceGuy said it wouldn't be bringing up something she had put behind her. It still is and always has been a constant issue. Her kids are grown now but get horribly chastised if they are polite to me in any way and really for getting along with their dad for that matter. It blows up multiple times a year.

It should be directed at me not the kids. I don't know. I have been and will continue to pray about it. I wish there was a way to get the message out that some mistakes are not worth making. You can't go back, you can't fix it, you are not going to be able to make it right ever again. Wish I knew then what I know now and I would gladly suffer the humiliation of being labeled publicly if my story would stop someone else.

Well, this is just in line with what Dr Harley says. BWs who have even recovered their marriages will say 10-15 years later their spouse's affair was the worst thing that has ever happened to them. You actually have done more damage than that scenario because you ended up marrying her H and fightiing with her, etc.

I only say this to show you that this isn't something that an apology could heal in any way. Just your mere presence in her life keeps ripping off the scab of her injury. I would say to leave her alone.

For your own piece of mind to help others you could do such a thing as a warning of some kind of the after effects if you thought that might help. May be a good idea? Possibly even better than appologizing if nothing more than to prevent others from doing it. Post your story and mishaps and hardships of your course of actions. Never know .. it may help others.

Thank you for the kind words Tawandabelle. I certainly didn't come here expecting any but it was comforting.

Since she is still with the WH, I would say this is not a good idea. For me it personally shows a lack of repentence...

Mr.NiceGuy do you mean post here? What forum do think appropriate? I have thought about speaking at church but I will be exposing my husband's past as well and I am certain embarassing my children who don't know how things happened. It's a hard call to make. Embarassing myself is my due but I have torn feelings about my children. Although I have been debating sitting them down and telling them recently. Just another thing on my heart lately.

If you open yourself up to it, God REALLY will deal with you.

SusieQ so if I divorce again, then my mistakes could be my testimony and possibly helpful to others? But if I do not divorce I just need to privately repent? Or you think that I can't be remorseful and stay married at the same time?

Hmm lots to pray about tonight. I appreciate the reponses and I hope my post did not hurt anyone.

You see .. God wants us to reveal the truth. There can be NO healing without truth. If you have not told your children how it went down .. Your lieing by omission to them and how can you have a healthy relationship with them without truth.

Neither of my parents to this day have told me the truth of how they split up .. its all a blurr to me and he did .. she did .. crap. All i seen was the violence and the yelling. It was all very confusing to me. I hear bits of this and that, but the story is so faded now its hard to know what the truth really is or the details i do get .. are distored from one story to another between them both. If either one of them could sit me down and explain their faults and own up to them I would have a TON more respect for them just for being honest with me. We are all human and make mistakes ... and for that i can forgive them as jesus forgives me for my faults and sins. ITs only a sin .. and no matter how big or small the sin is ... a sin is a sin to god and we are forgiven in his name.

I would say if you where to post your story here ... to post it in the divorced area .. or here in SAA. I can not say for sure if it is the right thing to do or not .. but I will say that revelaing the truth to your immediate family should certanly happen. Living with it inside you can only eat away at you and continually create guilt in you until the truth is revealed.

Let it go ... give it to god. Whats done is done. But truth be told for everyone to heal and have understanding.

Being remorseful does not correct the sin (offense). The sin as far as I am concerned continues as long as you are with the WH.

It doesn't make any sense at all to me for you to give your testimony. Maybe someone can help me understand. You would be explaining that you feel badly for the BW? But you are still continuing to be a source of pain in her life by still being married to the WH? Sorry, I don't get it.

NewCreation, you could always set up a blog online. Please don't contact the BW. It will accomplish nothing for her except bring up bad memories.

I think you might be able to post your story here and maybe some WS/FWS will get something out of it. It might also do good for any BS whose WS is planning on marrying the AP. <shrug> Maybe, maybe not.

You may get some lashings but it sounds like you understand that and accept it as part of the consequences of poor choices.

ITA with you susieQ.....and I would say dont apologize...it wont do the woman any good since you are still with the man...I know that if the OW apologized to me right now while she is still with my WH...It would just be hollow words, prolly more to help herself feel better than to help me....