ITA with MB. Could also have been the GF who sent it just to see if POSOM was gonna get a response. But who cares, get rid of the number and email address.

Well deserved . I am on this TODAY. Funny how seeing the unfortunate results of your inaction really makes you WANT to act.

Stuck you did exactly what any of us would have done.

Marital if you're still here can I get two minutes of your time? Sorry to hijack.

It takes no time at all, Stuck. AND your phone company should change your numbers for free for the first time. Mine did.

Bueno, Reynolds.

Thanks guys... little sanity checks are good.

So now, we're at almost full NC with OM. She HAS agreed to transparency, and she's keeping FB but he's blocked. The good news is I think the fog is lifting, faster than I thought was possible.

In some ways, I dodged a bullet because POSOM shot himself. And he's a real piece of trash. Turns out she already started to really distrust him (he was constantly texting and would flip out when she tried to look at his phone), and after hearing that he put all the blame on her (and said, a few times "I don't even want her dude!") she realized he's not the "man" she thought he was. Much of the illusion was shattered.

I won't be SURPRISED if there are relapses but I feel like it's unlikely. There isn't much withdrawal left. She just said she feels used, sick to her stomach, and stupid. I'm hoping that as these feelings in her come to life, she'll be able to finally start thinking about me and my ENs, and she'll be open to the full MB program.

I've been sending her articles, and she's been reading them. I haven't sent her to the website because she's pretty tech savvy and I'm a little afraid she'll find this forum and be hurt/upset at my previous threads.

So yes, in that light we still have a long ways to go. She's still a BIT upset about exposure, and last night put the blame on ME for making her family dislike her. I didn't like that, but I think today's events have had a big impact on making her think about her decisions.

Now, I'm trying to toe the line between comforting her (i.e. enabling her), and letting her feel the consequences of her actions. I don't want to rub it in ("you SHOULD feel disgusted and stupid!") but don't want to make her feel like what happened was ok OR his responsibility.

Additional question--what's the opinion on post-nuptial agreements around here? Something saying "If WW cheats again, WW forfeits all spousal support/splitting of such-and-such assets."

Suggesting that might be a huge $LB withdrawal. However, living in a no-fault spousal support state (groan), she could cheat on me again, divorce me, and because she's an "under the table" musician the law would probably demand I give her a TON of money to reward her for her infidelity.

Thoughts?

Hi Stuck, a post nup would be a good idea, but how would you prove an affair in a legal way? A keylogger would be unadmissible I would think. Plus you are right a HUGE withdrawl. As much as it gives you less comfort, I would think you were better off just affair proofing your marriage and following the principles here. And snooping whenever you feel like it haha.

You are right you shouldn't let her read your thread until far far into recovery when she knows exactly what she did and takes responsibility for it.

HELL YEAH! Way to be a warrior for your family. He's a bottom feeder, so of course he'll slime his way around and whine about it...... make no mistake, he is now officially scared sh!tless of you!

Kudos, StuckWaiting. I still wish I'd have had a similar conversation with my WXW's slimy politician OM, so I'll live vicariously through you.!

Reynolds--you're right, proving an affair would be tough to do on legal grounds. Maybe that's not such a good idea after all. Affair proofing is the way to go, I just need to make sure my WW is able to handle the full MB program... it takes 2 to affair proof.


Thanks Arpeggi. I wish I had done it sooner (he spouted all kinds of stuff like "let's leave the past in the past" because the meat of the A was back from November-January, but he still was attempting contact as early as last Saturday). But it still felt good. I think he IS scared, because the last message he sent me was about 6 hours after our conversation ended, and it was a "You really don't have to worry about me anymore, it's no longer an issue" message. With added slime, of course.

GOD what a slimeball. Such a manipulator. My WW was certainly angry when she figured out the "MAN" she had an affair with (while claiming I wasn't man enough for her, and she needed a real man) crawled into a corner and pretended like he didn't want WW, and said "I am soooo not in you or her life and don't want to be!"

What a man.

The best email I ever sent was the one I sent to OM asking if his GF was tearing up the premarital australia visa app after exposure.

I may frame that one and hang it on the wall in the garage. (Living room if I end up divorced:))

He's a sleaze... in the Wild West men knew how to settle this kind of thing a lot more appropriately, if you know what I mean.

But it blows my mind - WWs are so much more gullible than WHs IMHO.... I have NO IDEA how they delude themselves SO DEEPLY into believing that they are sooooooo special and important to a man they KNOW to be a cheat and a liar to others.

And I also think it's really hard for WWs to "humble" themselves in this cultural climate, to swallow their false pride, and admit to themselves that their BHs actually DO now hold the moral compass in the family..... they can't deal with that blow to their pride (which I think is fed to them by our culture). Uck.

This is very true. In the coming days, I'm going to slowly pry the moral compass out of her fingers. It'll be pretty much impossible for her to argue that her moral compass is ok, though I'm sure she'll try.

Maybe now she recognizes that I really DO have the best interest of our family in mind, and I DO know what I'm talking about some of the time.

Ok honey, do you UNDERSTAND that you can't trust men now just because "they know you're married"??

Well... WW had a show this weekend in a far-off town. I know most of the board (and Harley too, probably) dislike the fact that WW is a musician and has to travel, sometimes without me. I dislike this too, but for now it's a condition of our M.

That said--I trust her not to have a one night stand, and we kept in constant contact throughout the weekend. She's been transparent and there's been NC with OM since I drove him off with a . My MIL had a long talk with her a few nights ago and it seems like she ACTUALLY began getting through to WW... WW broke down on the phone, cried a bunch, and MIL said "this is what BH needs to see from you to facilitate his healing, if you want R to work."

When she came home, she had gotten me a few little trinkets, and bought me a card w/ a very long note written inside. She claimed to be extremely sorry, and realized she still didn't know just how much she hurt me, and that I was her rock and she'd fall without me. That she knew she needed to spend the rest of her life helping me heal, forgive, and ensure no other A was possible. Some very nice things to hear, but I still want more...in person. Think there will be some good talking happening tonight. She got back pretty late last night, so we weren't able to talk much.

Now, as I'm hitting the point where I'm laying down guidelines and needs for R to work, I'm starting to get a little freaked out... intimidated... and am getting hammered with all the emotion and resentment that was tucked away while I was actively in "kill the affair" plan A mode. Thinking about recovery unleashes a whole host of emotions.

I.e... I took care of you and supported you for 3 years, fought through your anxiety issues and career switches (even while buying a house and brand new car) and you repay me with... THIS?! There is going to be a lot of self-work I have to do here. And she'll have some atoning to do.

I hear you stuck. Its hard to keep a lid on the resentment, but it will not serve your interests. Get that taker chained up.

SW, you have alluded to the fact that you have seen the need to "man up", and from the sounds of developments you're not only doing just that, but FWW seems to have noticed as well.

Please don't blow it.

I took care of you and supported you for 3 years, fought through your anxiety issues and career switches (even while buying a house and brand new car) and you repay me with... THIS?!

If you must, tell that to us. Tell us loudly, incessantly, irritatingly. YELL it to us if you must. But after you hit the "Submit" button, let it go until you come back here to do it again.

Someday, many, many, years down the line, she's going to come to you, and mention that she realizes how badly she hurt you. MAYBE then you can reveal a little bit of the resentment you have libertry to tell US now.

Here's the situation: She can NEVER undo what it was she did to you, no matter how long or hard she tries. Your hope, and hopefully, her mission, is that she now does everything she can, jointly with you, to create a new union that blots out the bad memories.

So if, on balance, she cannot undo the damage, and you need, and deserve, her best efforts to create a better future, you will be acting counterproductively by reliving the past.

You will be doing yourself a great service if you block out the bad-old-days, as completely as you blocked POSOM's phone calls.

(In my entire recovery effort, the only thing I would have changed would have been to discover this about six months sooner.)

Good luck, keep fighting, and keep the eyes on the prize!

Your WW having to go on the road to be a musician is bulloney.

That statment has the Bull Manure meter peg on full load flies and all.

WW had an affair causes her to work jobs close to home now post affair. WW wants to complain and be mad? Tell to get a mirror and complain to the mirror's image.

You allowed this to remain a condition of your marriage??? Isn't this what got you into trouble in the first place??

You trust your wayward wife to be faithful to you???

Thanks for your input guys, but I feel like I've addressed these things many times, and am frankly a little tired of every single post of mine being responded to with a number of "I can't believe your wife still goes on the road" posts. Her being on the road had virtually nothing to do with the A. Below are the reasons I still allow her to be on the road.

A. Her affair happened locally
B. We could not afford our house, car, and bills without her music job and stability is extra important right now
C. Her older, married cousin and his wife are in the band and always travel with her.

I've also noted she would choose music over me at this point--and have had numerous conversations with her family about how that will take TIME to overcome, and simply making her choose at this point would drive her away. She wouldn't "complain and be mad" she'd either resent me forever, or leave. If she's willing to meet my conditions for R, I'm willing to allow time for her priorities to realign and her self-idolizing to crash down (as it already is heading that direction).

That said--thanks Reynolds and NeverGuessed for the support.

Okay, Stuck, but I've got a question:
what actions has she taken to show you her commitment to this marriage?