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I'm beginning to realize that maybe this M isn't worth saving. I caught him in a "sexting" episode in September 2009, and it was NOT with the POSOW that he was having a PA with at the time. I was told it was just texting, that the girl was fat and WH would never have an A with a fat person. I even texted her and talked to my husband about it. I am a dumba#$! I still have her number, though.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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I'm beginning to realize that maybe this M isn't worth saving. I caught him in a "sexting" episode in September 2009, and it was NOT with the POSOW that he was having a PA with at the time. I was told it was just texting, that the girl was fat and WH would never have an A with a fat person. I even texted her and talked to my husband about it. I am a dumba#$! I still have her number, though. Don't make any decisions about saving your M right now. You have had contact with OW. You need to let a little time pass from that contact. He's being transparent right now and you're not finding anything when you snoop, right?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Thank you so, so much MB! My WH is being totally transparent, now. These past 9 mos. past DDay, he has been totally amazing. We are doing everything together, I have fallen in love with him again on so many different levels. He loves me more than anything, I can tell by his actions, his words, his transparency. I snoop ALL the time. I have found absolutely nothing. You are right, MB, I'm all frazzled and upset because POSOW contacted me. Thank you all for helping me.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Now that you mention it, MrsBHunt, I accidentally sent a FB invitation to the OW a few years ago.  I was checking to see if she was on there before setting up a profile for AJ, and searched for her by email. I just wasn't paying close enough attention, and didn't yet know how frenetic FB is about trying to connect people, so what I thought was the "search" button actually turned out to be the "invite" button. I've always hoped it went into her spam box, but there's really no way to find out without asking. It about killed my over-explaining little heart to not contact her and let her know I hadn't been trying to contact her. 
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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My question is, should I snoop about things in the past, or just concentrate on what is happening NOW?
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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sunshine, I would make darn sure you have the full truth about the past. If you are not sure you do, you aren't going to ever be able to trust him and more importantly, he will remain fogged out to a degree.
A polygraph would be a great thing for your marriage because it would establish your H's truthfulness and give you peace of mind about the past. You would both benefit from it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My question is, should I snoop about things in the past, or just concentrate on what is happening NOW? You need to be settled about the past in order to move into the PRESENT. You won't be able to sweep this under the rug.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If it was me, I would absolutely want to know the full truth about my past.
Personally, I am very cautious about advocating polygraphs. For your average, garden-variety A, with a previously good spouse who became addicted to only one OP, it generally isn't necessary. Given a little time and patience, the BS can usually see just from the WS's words and actions if things have resumed, or if the WS has stopped lying.
But when we're talking about multiple A's and/or the possibility of a sexual addiction, I would nearly always recommend it.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I would love to give a polygraph. I know they are very expensive. I realize that is the only way I will be able to get the truth from him, though. I do have several phone #'s including the girl he was sexting. Is there something I can do with these? I.e. text the girl and pretend I am my WH? Obviously, I am desperate. Does anyone have any suggestions?
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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My question is, should I snoop about things in the past, or just concentrate on what is happening NOW? You should snoop at every stage, past, present and future. You need to know that you have a complete, honest picture of your life.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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That is the problem, MB. How do I know WH is being truthfull and honest about anything? I do believe him now, not trust, but believe him. I have brought up the sexting, maybe that is all there was to it. I have phone records that he does not know I can see, all is good now. Like I stated above, do you recommend I do anything with the phone #'s I have? I have names, addresses. Can I try to bait these POS's into thinking I am WH?
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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The OW's sister friended me on FB, which I declined, at the urging of my husband. This was during our false recovery.
I should have accepted. She was trying to warn me about how hard I was being played, and at the time, I didn't know that he had blocked her almost every other way from me.
It's food for thought.
Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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Hey Ridic, I am 100% positive he is not still in an A with POSOW. He really hates her. I have been snooping for 9mos and absolutely nothing has come up. He has been good, for now! I just need to know where I go from here. How can I get info on WH past? Since I have been able to access cell phone records, I can see the history from BEFORE dday. There were several texts between him and other women. Should I look into these? Like I said I have names, numbers and address, the internet is a beautiful thing!(sometimes!!)
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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I think Mel is right on here Sunshine. What good will it do to try to contact those women now? Do you trust that they will give you the truth? You cannot trust an OW (if they were OW's). I think the only way you are going to get to a truth that you believe and can live with is through the poly. Please schedule it as soon as you can. A few hundred dollars will be worth every cent when you regain your peace of mind.
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Ok, so I go to my e-mail tonite and see a FB friend request from a friend of POSOW! Seriously, why is she doing this NOW? I mean she has not tried to contact us in 7mos, why now? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone! This is crazy.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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She is doing it and it's working you are letting her get to you, don't. You said yourself your recovery is going well, don't let her selfishness ruin your chance at recovery.......POSOW remember
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Sunshine, I've been led to believe that the attempt to "reconnect" is very common among people with personality disorders. I do not know your story that well, and the OW at all, so I cannot draw that conclusion.
But if you think this might apply, I suggest your best course of action is no action at all! Simply ignore (and if possible, delete) any such attempts.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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JT, how can POSOW send a request from someone else?
Do you think she is asking her friends to do this?
LG, my WH has said that he thinks she may have some sort
of personality disorder, so I think you may be on to
something!! But after 7mos of NC, shouldn't POSOW have
given up on WH already?
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Posts: 2,888
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LG, my WH has said that he thinks she may have some sort of personality disorder, so I think you may be on to
something!! But after 7mos of NC, shouldn't POSOW have
given up on WH already? I've heard of personality disordered types attempting to reconnect as late as two years after no contact was established. This is something I am very wary of, as my WxW was effectively diagnosed as BPD. I keep my guard up in case some attempt is made on her part to "bump into" me or otherwise attempt to reconnect. I want no part of that.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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My bet is she is requesting help from her friends how else is this happening, just ignore all and any requests.......in fact just shut your page down or go totally private.........
Sunshine, maybe she is drinking to much these days, sounds like something you would do drunk and not thinking logically.........
don't let her get control take yours back.........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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