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It is all the other stuff and the lingering doubt and fear in my heart that I can't be forgiven completely if I stay married to him.

I understand why you might feel this way....but there is no Biblically sound basis for this idea. And yes, because His Word says so, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I didn't write those words. God inspired them.

Yes, repent, yes change your life, yes see what you did honestly.....but to stay there after The Christ who died for you has forgiven....is a misuse of His grace.

Honor the vows to your husband.

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Call me hardheaded...call me a b*tch...call me narrow minded...but how can she truly repent and be forgiven and still remain married to her AP which also means to still remain (directly or indirectly) in the lives of the other people who she helped destroy...the xBW and her children...who at least 2 of the 3, if I'm reading this correctly, still hurt...which I believe continues because she continues to be a part of their lives by remaining in her AP's life.


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As to the apology, it isn't surprising that you have gotten so many viewpoints. People are individuals (profound, I know), and will have their own individual preferences, and responses to being betrayed, wounded, and nearly killed.

Scripture does counsel us to go to our brother when we have wronged him (or her), so that is what I will stick to for advise. Still, I fully recognize the irony that I would not want to hear from OW at this point for anything.

I do believe that an apology should wait until such time as you are not continuing to have relations with this woman's XH, who was sacredly joined to her before God.

Can a marriage which is legal in the eyes of the land be illegitimate in the eyes of God? According to the Bible, the answer is yes.

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Matthew 5
31It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

32But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
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Mark 10
2 And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.

3 And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?

4 And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.

5 And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.

6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.

7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

10 And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.

11 And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.


12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.
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Luke 16:18
Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.
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Mark 6
16 But when Herod heard thereof, he said, It is John, whom I beheaded: he is risen from the dead.

17 For Herod himself had sent forth and laid hold upon John, and bound him in prison for Herodias' sake, his brother Philip's wife: for he had married her.

18 For John had said unto Herod, It is not lawful for thee to have thy brother's wife.

19 Therefore Herodias had a quarrel against him, and would have killed him; but she could not:

20 For Herod feared John, knowing that he was a just man and an holy, and observed him; and when he heard him, he did many things, and heard him gladly.

There is the answer, from Jesus' own mouth, and from someone Jesus said was the greatest of all the prophets. Considering that in OT times, when God led the people directly so there was never a miscarriage of justice, that adulterers were to be stoned, I don't think Jesus' words can be interpreted as a covering for sin. "Well, my H/W did indeed leave their M because of adultery...their own!"

Since a M sanctioned by the state can be seen as adultery by God, it behooves us to be very cautious in offering merely our own opinions as to whether it's ok or not. (And a little note on David and Bathsheba, whose example is often used to sanction affairages: Bathsheba wasn't David's 2nd wife, or even his 3rd. I kind of lost count, but she was somewhere around 7 or 8. So unless you're going to take the position that the story's inclusion in the Bible means that God approves of polygamy, you're left with the realization that the Bible records what happened, whether it was ideal or not. Clearly God disapproves of polygamy, even though it was a common practice in David's time. David, being ignorant of his sin in multiple wives, did not have it held against him, any more than God holds our ignorant sins against us today - Acts 17:30. It doesn't make wrong right.)

So cautiously, here is my opinion, based on the teachings from Jesus.

Affairages are merely a continuation of adultery. However, I don't assume that a legal D must take place. After all, a legal M didn't make it ok in God's eyes. However, the sham of husband/wife should end. Most definitely, I believe they should stop sleeping together. As to whether they live in separate houses or just separate rooms, to D or not to D, ask God and be genuinely open to His leading.

In your case, since further adultery has been committed by your OM/WH, you do have an additional, very clear-cut option to D. That's up to you.

God hates D, but think how much He hates adultery, too. Out of all the object lessons on earth He could have picked, the raw, shredded pain of the BS is what He chose to best represent the agony He feels when we leave Him time and time again.

If you pray, STUDY the Bible, and genuinely open yourself to be led in any direction, God will not let you down. You will know what you need to do.

Welcome to MB.


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Neak's Story
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Tawanda, in answer to your question, Romans 6:1-2 has guidance. The whole chapter is really good.

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1 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?

2 God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?

If we are repentant, with God's power we will LEAVE our sin, and never CONTINUE in it.

The murderer will stop murdering, the thief will stop stealing, the gossip will stop gossiping, the proud will be humble, the profane will become pure, the bank robber will stop robbing banks, and the adulterer will no longer commit adultery. They will each make restoration for their sins, to the greatest extent that they can.

Mary Magdalene struggled time and again to become pure. She would go to Jesus, have a demon cast out, gain forgiveness, and yet somehow go back to her old lifestyle of prostitution. Seven times it happened. Finally the last time she took hold of God in a grip that would never let go, and gained not *only* forgiveness, which was an essential first step, but the power to stop her life of sin.

After being forgiven - having our sins covered with Christ's blood, we need to give up the sins we have held on to, and no longer commit them. That can only ever happen by Christ's power.

[quote]Jude
24 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,

25 To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by Kenmoore14217
NewCreation2011, you may be a born again Christian but to my way of thinking you are still an egotistical narcissist! You want to apologize for yourself, not for the other woman. You have learned NOTHING!!

How very sad to view such a malicious post as this ...




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Originally Posted by Neak
32But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
C'mon. Really?

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There are only two exemptions for the marriage contract. Adultery on the part of one spouse does free the other to remarry.

The other, if you're curious, is found in 1 Corinthians 7.

Each of us, Christians or no, will choose to either live by the Bible or not. It's right there in black and white, or maybe red, and to me it seems pretty plain.

The only question remaining is whether to accept and follow it...


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Thankfully, the flying spaghetti monster makes no such demands...


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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This same passages are often interpreted to mean that NEITHER spouse can remarry. And then there are issues NOT addressed, like physical abuse, which some legalists dismiss and expect the abused spouse to "suck it up" and "submit." And what of the BW's present marriage? If SHE didn't commit adultery (and she didn't) is she now supposed to divorce her H so she can reconcile with this man?

I do believe the Bible, and I am assuming I am just being overly sensitive in reading into that an implication that I don't. And when I was in college I memorized Romans 6.....it is preceded by a verse in Romans 5 that says "Where sin abounded, grace abounded all the more." And before that...Romans 3:23, which all good EE trainees know by heart. And then the one that says if we keep all the Law and yet stumble at one point, we are guilty of breaking all of it.

See....God's Word isn't meant to be taken in convenient sections. It is all one revelation. The Law and justice.....AND the grace and mercy.


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Any way, to the OP;

No, I don't want to hear a dang thing from the OM.

I hope, for myself, that I never see him again.

He has a special place with me forever; the use of the one, singular assault charge I can have on my legal record and maintain my nursing license in my home state.

It's like a kiss coupon, to kiss my fist.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by LoveIsaChoice4Me
Originally Posted by Kenmoore14217
NewCreation2011, you may be a born again Christian but to my way of thinking you are still an egotistical narcissist! You want to apologize for yourself, not for the other woman. You have learned NOTHING!!

How very sad to view such a malicious post as this ...

With all due respect, you need to give some still hurting BSs some leeway. This type of issue is going to trigger some people. Adultery is what is sad & ugly...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by Mulan
Contacting this BW would be like contacting a victim of arson and saying, "Hey, I'm sorry I burned down your house, but you have another house to live in now so it shouldn't matter anymore, right? I mean, it doesn't bother you that I built a new house on your burned-out property, does it?"

Again: This would just be rubbing it in her face that you burned down her house, you forced her out and you kept her property for yourself and there's nothing she can do about it now.

The only time to apologize is when you no longer have what you took from her - like her husband and her child.

As a BW this is the position I take. I don't want to hear my WXH and OW apolgize to me until they are broken up for a sufficient amount of time so I know they will never be together again. Until then the apologies ring hollow.

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And as for whether or not she is still committing adultery...I do not believe scripture supports that notion. The marriage she broke up is just that--broken. The vows were broken with the adultery of this WH...and the BW has remarried CLEARLY stating she will not forgive the adultery and take him back even if he wanted that.

And of course God can forgive her.

However, that doesn't mean the BW wants to hear an apology from the OW while OW is still maintaining a life with the man she stole.

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Sorry I tuned in late! I agree with Neak. You are married and you need to honour it. Rebuild your present marriage on the basis of your vow.

This marriage is a separate issue. Do not be part of its downfall. Speak to your husband using the Plan A method. Write a note to the Ex wife. She may never reply. Do not expect forgiveness. This is a matter between you and God. Pray for it. Trust me, he does change hearts, why he changed yours.

Divorce is permanent as is marriage. The Great news is that you are a New person whom God has forgiven. Take comfort in this!


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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New Creation,

As a BS that the OW recently made their affairage legal, I don't have to worry about the OW apologizing because in her eyes "she did nothing wrong -- the M was already broken. (He left the M for the OW).

So in a fantasy world if OW humbled herself to apologize I would do Ninja, judo, shoot firearms at her.

I think since are now walking a mile in a BS shoes you FINALLY understand the deep gripping pain that we have felt. You are in the sisterhood no one wants to belong. You want to make it up to her because you are feeling what she felt or may feel to this day.

They say time heals but such a betrayal may never heal. Triggers, life events, it is the death of a partner you are griefing but they are alive and well living their fantasty life with the OP while we are left to pick up the pieces of their carnage.

It changes you forever. Like some other posters I want the karma and to see history repeat itself that little voice inside me says what did you expect and wanting the same for my XH.

Work on yourself, your H is not a true believer because he would not have been cheating. Is he still with the OW?

Remember Cort. 14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?




Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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New Creation2011
Your husbands affair is over, right?

Last edited by Gack1; 02/17/11 05:37 PM.

Me 34
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Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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No my husband is not currently in an affair.

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I don't know how anyone could get "neither" out of "unless". I guess if you're determined enough you can twist anything.

'Suck it up and submit' just isn't an option for the Christian who believes their body is God's temple. If you're going to take the text at face value, separation and divorce would be permitted. Remarriage to another person would not.

Re the BXW who has now remarried, she was completely released from her wedding vows upon divorcing Mr. NewCreation, and permitted to remarry. She is as bound to her current H as if he was the first man she had ever married. It would be a terrible wrong for her to leave him and go back to her first (ex) husband.

I didn't assume you didn't believe the Bible, and was only trying to clarify a point. I'm sorry I came across that way.


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Originally Posted by NewCreation2011
I am now a totally different person than I was at that time. I have a relationship with Jesus and could not possibly regret more having an affair. I have been dealt with spiritually on this matter and I know that I am forgiven by God but I have been a changed person for years now and I still have this nagging feeling that I should apologize to the wife. Is that the right thing to do?
NewCreation

Hello, NewCreation ~
I believe you are not the same person you were in 1996.
According to 2 Cor 5:17:
"Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."

Because we are Sisters In Christ, I am hoping you will share your testimony with me.

Love in Him ~
smile


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Sin really sucks. I think I should make that a Sunday School lesson one week. Because it really does....it just hurts everyone.

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