I haven't read her story yet, but I would say that she has been given a gift of clarity in her 'husband' cheating on her. She can be free of him now and maybe go find that peace by living a life of repentence without him around reminding her what she was part of.

New Creation,
Thanks for posting your story I think a lot of BS's already know what the affair relationship will be like, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that a relationship that starts with dishonesty and a lack of morals will not have a positive out come.....
I wish you hadn't been so fogged out when you were in your affair that you could have also seen the truth of your relationship with your MM.
It pains me to hear your pain now. I truly believe you have the facts straight and totally understand your part in creating the life you now have.
It is not to late for you to brush yourself off and make the best of your life, you have caused pain, received pain and now understand the differences....
You have learned and tried to live your life in a better way, posting your story and offering the truth to those who might have a question is truly a good thing.
I was stay on this site to help others, to receive help there are a lot of great folks here, they are a forgiving bunch willing to let you learn from your mistakes and they will help you put together a new life plan..............
God has many friends and workers here on earth.........

New Creation you said you would not mind questions.

When the affair began did you have any sense of guilt about the BS or felt that the marriage was already broken? At the start I called the OW and all she did was deny deny deny.

Always wondered if OW felt entitlement to my H because he was not "happy"

My XH has not seen his DDs in almost 2 years and he thinks everyone is picking on "his wife" but he gave up everything for this woman and they were married in october.

Just looking for the OW thought process.

Hi Hope,

I will answer your question. When my affair began the wife and kids lived several states away and I was told they were divorcing. We spent practically every moment together for the next nearly 10 months. During that time I think he went to her house, to see his kids, maybe twice. When I questioned things taking so long to get divorced I was told that he had been advised it would be better for him legally if she filed first.

When his wife found out we were dating she drove to my state and confronted me. It was awful!I did not deny anything. I did not give her any details either though. I told her she needed to talk to her husband. When I confronted him he told me she was mad because he had moved on first blah, blah, blah. I chose to buy into the story she was just a crazy bitter woman.

Now, let me be clear that I am not defending my actions here or saying I was innocent. Even if his story about being separated and going through a divorce were true he was still married until he had papers signed in his hand. I should not have agreed to date him period end of story. If I had not dated a "separated" man he could not have lied to me to start with. So I take responsibility.

Living the states away there had been no secrecy on my end, he knew my whole family, my kids, my friends. It did not feel or seem like an affair. It was easy to believe him.

When I did start to finally doubt the situation I was so far into it that I blocked it out. I didn't know the real truth and the full extent of the deceit that had played between him and her or him and me until shortly after the wedding. And then I found out because I read a letter his BW wrote that he had hidden. He finally confessed that he had been lying because he thought he would lose me if he told the truth. Things were never really good after that.

I still though was foggy and didn't acknowledge my responsibility for a couple of more years. I spend a lot of time just being angry and thinking that I got "tricked" into being and OW and none of it was my fault. I KNOW BETTER NOW. PLEASE DON'T BLAST ME! That was then, I am not under that delusion now. I am just trying to honestly answer the questions asked.

As for when I really started to turn the corner and when the depravity of what I had done began to hit me, it was not when he cheated on me. That came later. I know a lot of posters think that is what woke me up but it wasn't. I had my moment when the youth group at church gave their testimony one Wednesday night and one of the teen boys cried as he gave his testimony about how he was so thankful for his step-dad and the men at the church who supported him because he didn't have his dad. He said my dad promised to love my mom till death do us part, not until he met someone he liked better.

That was my moment. If the floor could have swallowed me I would have welcomed it. I barely made it through service. Flew home locked myself in the bathroom and bawled for hours. I have been struggling ever since. That is when I started counseling for how to deal with what I had done the Godly way. My husband did not cheat on me until well after this time. Not that his cheating didn't reinforce all of to the nth degree because it did, but it was Drew from the youth group that God used to convict me.

NewCreation, I think it would be great if you could bare yourself to answer these questions. There may be other betrayed spouses who would like to hear the unvarnished truth from an affair partner, and I think you are in a unique place to be able to do that.

My question to you, as a FBW: did you EVER think about your affair partner's wife AT ALL? Did you ever say "Gee, I know he's lying about how mean/ignorant/unresponsive she is. I wonder what she's really like?"

Were you ever jealous of her?

MaritalBliss, I think my answers to Hope just cross posted with your post.

As to your question of whether I was ever jealous of her no. I went from being self-centered and foggy and thinking I had been wronged too and she was hateful to not understand my feelings (I know, I know) to feeling so sick with remorse that I had hurt her and her children that jealous was never in the equation.

I have however felt extremely intimidated by her.

How so?

It is intimidating to face someone who is better armed than you are. She was armed with the truth and with righteousness and I was a scared, silly, girl without a lick of sense in my head.

It's a simple thing a BS knows, and even a WS knows at the core of their soul; an AP will never be the biological parent of their children. And despite all of the spectacular step-parents out there, despite the best intentions, and the crowing... no one will love your children like their real parents.

Successful step-parents, and failure real parents are exceptions, and not the rule - to those who argue that they have the exception, save your comment, and thank whoever or whatever you need to thank that you have the exception rather than the rule.

I have the rule - on both sides.

Sorry NewCreation, all the preaching you are giving falls on deaf ears with me.

We all know what happens when you marry the affair partner. The affairage has the lifespan of a snowball in hades.

If you were all about doing the right thing, you would end the sin you are still a part of.

What's the purpose of being HERE exactly? I still don't get it. This entire board and the divorced/divorcing board is FILLED with people who have also experienced this firsthand. We all know what happens.

But sadly, what I will not do is offer my help in healing your affairage. Nope. Your affairage has gone down in flames just like my former husbands' affairage has, because it was simply wrong. Just plain wrong.

My little boy, NewCreation, used to CRY HIS EYES out at night over at the home of my xh and ow for ME, HIS MOTHER. On some nights, the nanny used to call me to come over to their house (now THAT WAS PAINFUL) to come and read bedtime stories and say prayers with my son so he could simply sleep over there. Believe it or not, I would not interact at all with xh and ow, just walk in the door, go to my sons' room over there, read him a book and say prayers and after he'd fall asleep, go back to my home. I sure hope it eats the xow alive today, and my xh with the horrible PAIN THEY PUT ONTO A CHILD.

My son wants NO CONTACT anymore with the xow/stepmom. And all the "love" she professed for my little boy? Hell she never even tries to call or attempt to see him, the child she used to say "I love like I gave birth to"? When the affairage was over, she cut the ties because after all, when you BETRAY the spouse of the one you are cheating with, YOU BETRAY THE CHILDREN of that family too.

In faith I will pray for you, but seriously. God has a reason for the Ten Commandments. My pastor once explained it like this. That they are God's way and a path for our lives, so as for us NOT to complicate our lives and mess them up, wreaking havoc and pain on other fellow humans. My pastor also said, that the Ten Commandments also allow us to live more stress-free and more happy, thus giving us more time to have fun and experience love with our families and friends.

And sadly, other than murder, adultery is probably the most painful commandment to violate.

Peachy I certainly didn't think I was preaching. I also do not expect anyone here to help me with my current marriage.

I understand all of what you said. I would not argue any of it.

As for my reason for being here, I did originally ask a question on another post. This post was meant to hopefully serve as a warning to others.

Some here have blasted me and that is okay. I expected it. Others here seem to think that my story may have some value and have shown me incredible grace. I am doing the best I can and being human, that won't be perfect!

I just got done reading the locked thread in MB101 wherein the OP was also in an affairage, and based on what I read there, I have some questions. Is your WH remorseful for your affair? Has it ever been explained to the kids that what you two did was wrong? Has he ever apologized to his xBW?

It was explained quite clearly to the kids by their mother what we were doing was wrong from minute one. It was also reiterated by me when I apologized to them later. I told them in detail how what I did was wrong and how I knew it affected them and that they should have never had to endure any of it and owned every bit of it. So yes, the kids know that is was and is wrong to have an affair.

I don't know if my husband is remorseful for having an affair or mostly just for the consequences of it. I can't judge his heart on that although I personally don't see outwardly that he grieves his actions. If he has ever sincerely apologized to his BW I am not aware of it.

You have never asked your H if is remorseful over the pain he caused his xW? You have never asked your H if he apolgized? You have never asked him to have a discussion with his children about the affair? This just seems odd to me...especially given how much thought you seem to have given to the entire matter...

Anyway, I would encourage you to read the thread on MB101.

I will read the thread SusieQ. Yes I have asked him if he is remorseful and I get answers like "well of course" and he says he apologized to her when she found out about us but I can't imagine it was very sincere at that time. They are not capable of having any form of civil communication so I am pretty sure there was never another apology.

No, I never really thought to ask him to have a conversation with his kids. I guess once I started thinking about it I was focused on my responsibilty in all this, not his.

My husband does not like to talk about the past at all. He says he is not that person anymore and he doesn't want it thrown in his face. He insists that God has forgiven and we need to move forward. All I know is that he was unfaithful to me too after saying all of this stuff in counseling so it is hard to believe. I don't know that I would encourage him to say anything to his exBW or his kids. I think that it needs to come when he is sincere and feels the remorse himself, not because I told him to.

ITA.

NewCreation ~ thank you for being here, for being honest and not defensive and for seeming to be truly repentant. You have no idea how rare it is to see this.

I have been on these boards for 4.5 years and have NEVER seen anyone this repentant. One in 4.5 years doesn't say much for most of the OWs out there.

SusieQ I don't know where to find the thread you want me to read. I went to MB101 but didn't know which one to look for and it wasn't obvious. Can you please direct me? Thanks!
NewCreation

Here you go: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2477560&page=1

SusieQ thanks for the link. I read the whole thing. I hope that I do not sound like the original poster in that thread. I would have never dared came here for help to save the relationship I stole.

All the reponses were more of the same it seemed as here as far as posters debating whether or not you can stay married and do right going forward or whether you have to divorce to repent. Although people have been much more civil on this thread. Thankfully!

May I ask if there was something in particular you thought I might benefit from on that thread?

NewCreation

NewCreation, I love your screen name by the way, what an awesome and honest post. How heartbreaking for all concerned.

It seems you ARE a new creation. We have ALL sinned, and it's not until we TURN from our sin, that we begin to travel the road towards redemption and restoration.

Thank God your eyes were opened. If anything, take this message (and it's a biggie) and shout it from the roof-tops. These days not many people will "hear" it but even if ONE person does, then you have accomplished a lot.

Bravo.

P.S. God loves you. He even loved you back then when you were so lost. Stay the course.