My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can�t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can�t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don�t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don�t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come�

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn�t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn�t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn�t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn�t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the whore for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the whore that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn�t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON�THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens�

Now, let�s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can�t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can�t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it�s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it�s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don�t bother asking me. I can�t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won�t.

NewCreation2011

I admire your courage for posting here. It's a cautionary tale where everyone loses in the end.

Fantastic post. Fantastic warning. Fantastically stated.

Good job, I pray that this reaches someone before it's too late.

Every BS should copy this and send it to their WS if not in plan B

Wow NewCreation I am glad you posted this ... I can feel your emotions in there and the pain that torments you. VERY powerful message. I pray for everyone that reads this, that they take something away with them regardless if it be gratitude and thankfulness for what they have, remorse and repentance for what they have done or taken to heart when faced with similar decisions and learn from it.

Thank You New Creation ... It took alot out of you to post this I bet and maybe god will use you as a vessel to give this message to others to prevent this from ruining more lives in the future as you clearly paint the TRUE picture of the long term outcome of an affair when lives are blindly destroyed by the Fog of fantasy happiness from spur of the moment choices.

Her story sums up what we all come to realize about A's: it is the devil's cancer hidden by a coating of chocolate.

Thank you for posting this, NewCreation.

Waywards don't get much quarter on this site, and rightly so. We have occasionally seen a wayward come strolling in here from other sites, bound and determined to show us the error of our ways for damning their adultery. They are unremorseful. They are arrogant. They flaunt their destruction of a family like a badge of honor. They believe they are owed respect and shriek like banshees when they don't get it here.

I will never demean any wayward who is so obviously remorseful and sick from sin as you. I hope your post is seen by other waywards who are here now and are trolling this site, looking for justification of their actions. I also hope your post will be seen by those trolling who are looking for permission to wreck a marriage because they think they've found their 'soul mate.'

I hope you find peace, NewCreation.

Im just amazed that you two are still together. Statistics from http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html say that 3% of 4000 cheating men married their lovers, and beyond that 75% of second marriages (overall, not those who marry the OP) get a divorce.

So accordingly, you had about a 0.75% chance to make it this far, and you honestly know why that statistic is so low from first hand experience. Cheating is so not worth it. There are no greener pastures, and everything else is a bunch of lies.

They're living separately, wheels.

They haven't really "made it". Her AP/nowH is having an A and they are living in separate houses.

As if her post wasn't proof enough, the current state of her affairage further proves that affairages are not worth it.

Oh I missed that, thanks....well I guess its from 0.7% to 0%.....couldn't dodge that 99.3% accurate bullet.

Really nice post NewCreations...

I have to be honest it's a perspective I've yet to see in my 5 plus years here at MB....

a [seemingly) repentant OW in an affairage.

Wow.

I think your post above may have legs around here for awhile. Time will tell.


I did have a question though:

Often times we'll see waywards and other people come here and try to tell us that they happen to know 4 or 5 couple friends of theirs in seemingly wonderful happy affairages. They THINK we are drastically exaggerating how uncommon affairages are and how unlikely "happiness" is REALLY found in these relationships.

My question is: Did you and your MM go to great lengths to prove to the world how happy you really were...even though you weren't all that happy?

Not just family...but friends...even strangers.



My wife and I have a friend that was raised in an affairage home and she describes it as fantasyland whereupon once the doors closed to the outside "judgmental" world...it was cold, quiet, and empty OR deliberately hateful and miserable...but, shockingly, if ANYONE else was around it was oversexualized public displays of revulsion and everything else was just PEACHY.
It was the charade of "happiness" at all costs.

What was your experience?

Mr. Wondering

Hey... can someone get this SOB pinned to the "Notable Posts" with flags, sirens, and flashing lights?

I wouldn't mind seeing it be required reading for any wayward who comes waltzing in here, determined to show us the "errors of our sanctimonious ways."

Incredible post! I so wish I could copy and send it to the little girl who helped break up my marriage. She hasn't married my WXH and I pray she doesn't. I could deal with XH so much better if she wasn't in the picture.

Thank you for sharing.

Mr.Wondering,

No, we were happy for all of about 6-8 months of our marriage before the world began imploding. Once it started I think it was pretty obvious to everyone that knew us. We however would blame the discord on the stuff going on around us rather than acknowledgeing that the "stuff" was fall out from our affair. It took quite a few years for me to come full circle and realize the errors of my past and see things for what they were.

NewCreation2011

SmilingWoman,

Copy it. Send it. That's what I hope comes from this, one person rethinking this choice!

If you can not contact her and want to give me her info I will send it personally with no mention of you.

NewCreation2011

Oh wow! I would LOVE that. What do you think boardies.....? Should I do that?

Thank you for posting this. I agree that it should go on Notable Posts. I also hope you find peace one day.

Thanks for this post, NewCreation. As a BS with a small child, I can see the path my WH and his OW are on but they cannot. Your post gives them a true picture of their future life, if they survive. And it's not from some "bitter" BS like me. It's from someone who has lived it.

Too bad it took you getting cheated on to realize the damage you and your H did to innocent people. It's hard for me to have any sympathy for you (you need a big, "I told you so.") but I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on. And I think this takes guts.

I haven't read her story yet, but I would say that she has been given a gift of clarity in her 'husband' cheating on her. She can be free of him now and maybe go find that peace by living a life of repentence without him around reminding her what she was part of.

New Creation,
Thanks for posting your story I think a lot of BS's already know what the affair relationship will be like, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that a relationship that starts with dishonesty and a lack of morals will not have a positive out come.....
I wish you hadn't been so fogged out when you were in your affair that you could have also seen the truth of your relationship with your MM.
It pains me to hear your pain now. I truly believe you have the facts straight and totally understand your part in creating the life you now have.
It is not to late for you to brush yourself off and make the best of your life, you have caused pain, received pain and now understand the differences....
You have learned and tried to live your life in a better way, posting your story and offering the truth to those who might have a question is truly a good thing.
I was stay on this site to help others, to receive help there are a lot of great folks here, they are a forgiving bunch willing to let you learn from your mistakes and they will help you put together a new life plan..............
God has many friends and workers here on earth.........

New Creation you said you would not mind questions.

When the affair began did you have any sense of guilt about the BS or felt that the marriage was already broken? At the start I called the OW and all she did was deny deny deny.

Always wondered if OW felt entitlement to my H because he was not "happy"

My XH has not seen his DDs in almost 2 years and he thinks everyone is picking on "his wife" but he gave up everything for this woman and they were married in october.

Just looking for the OW thought process.

Hi Hope,

I will answer your question. When my affair began the wife and kids lived several states away and I was told they were divorcing. We spent practically every moment together for the next nearly 10 months. During that time I think he went to her house, to see his kids, maybe twice. When I questioned things taking so long to get divorced I was told that he had been advised it would be better for him legally if she filed first.

When his wife found out we were dating she drove to my state and confronted me. It was awful!I did not deny anything. I did not give her any details either though. I told her she needed to talk to her husband. When I confronted him he told me she was mad because he had moved on first blah, blah, blah. I chose to buy into the story she was just a crazy bitter woman.

Now, let me be clear that I am not defending my actions here or saying I was innocent. Even if his story about being separated and going through a divorce were true he was still married until he had papers signed in his hand. I should not have agreed to date him period end of story. If I had not dated a "separated" man he could not have lied to me to start with. So I take responsibility.

Living the states away there had been no secrecy on my end, he knew my whole family, my kids, my friends. It did not feel or seem like an affair. It was easy to believe him.

When I did start to finally doubt the situation I was so far into it that I blocked it out. I didn't know the real truth and the full extent of the deceit that had played between him and her or him and me until shortly after the wedding. And then I found out because I read a letter his BW wrote that he had hidden. He finally confessed that he had been lying because he thought he would lose me if he told the truth. Things were never really good after that.

I still though was foggy and didn't acknowledge my responsibility for a couple of more years. I spend a lot of time just being angry and thinking that I got "tricked" into being and OW and none of it was my fault. I KNOW BETTER NOW. PLEASE DON'T BLAST ME! That was then, I am not under that delusion now. I am just trying to honestly answer the questions asked.

As for when I really started to turn the corner and when the depravity of what I had done began to hit me, it was not when he cheated on me. That came later. I know a lot of posters think that is what woke me up but it wasn't. I had my moment when the youth group at church gave their testimony one Wednesday night and one of the teen boys cried as he gave his testimony about how he was so thankful for his step-dad and the men at the church who supported him because he didn't have his dad. He said my dad promised to love my mom till death do us part, not until he met someone he liked better.

That was my moment. If the floor could have swallowed me I would have welcomed it. I barely made it through service. Flew home locked myself in the bathroom and bawled for hours. I have been struggling ever since. That is when I started counseling for how to deal with what I had done the Godly way. My husband did not cheat on me until well after this time. Not that his cheating didn't reinforce all of to the nth degree because it did, but it was Drew from the youth group that God used to convict me.

NewCreation, I think it would be great if you could bare yourself to answer these questions. There may be other betrayed spouses who would like to hear the unvarnished truth from an affair partner, and I think you are in a unique place to be able to do that.

My question to you, as a FBW: did you EVER think about your affair partner's wife AT ALL? Did you ever say "Gee, I know he's lying about how mean/ignorant/unresponsive she is. I wonder what she's really like?"

Were you ever jealous of her?

MaritalBliss, I think my answers to Hope just cross posted with your post.

As to your question of whether I was ever jealous of her no. I went from being self-centered and foggy and thinking I had been wronged too and she was hateful to not understand my feelings (I know, I know) to feeling so sick with remorse that I had hurt her and her children that jealous was never in the equation.

I have however felt extremely intimidated by her.

How so?

It is intimidating to face someone who is better armed than you are. She was armed with the truth and with righteousness and I was a scared, silly, girl without a lick of sense in my head.

It's a simple thing a BS knows, and even a WS knows at the core of their soul; an AP will never be the biological parent of their children. And despite all of the spectacular step-parents out there, despite the best intentions, and the crowing... no one will love your children like their real parents.

Successful step-parents, and failure real parents are exceptions, and not the rule - to those who argue that they have the exception, save your comment, and thank whoever or whatever you need to thank that you have the exception rather than the rule.

I have the rule - on both sides.

Sorry NewCreation, all the preaching you are giving falls on deaf ears with me.

We all know what happens when you marry the affair partner. The affairage has the lifespan of a snowball in hades.

If you were all about doing the right thing, you would end the sin you are still a part of.

What's the purpose of being HERE exactly? I still don't get it. This entire board and the divorced/divorcing board is FILLED with people who have also experienced this firsthand. We all know what happens.

But sadly, what I will not do is offer my help in healing your affairage. Nope. Your affairage has gone down in flames just like my former husbands' affairage has, because it was simply wrong. Just plain wrong.

My little boy, NewCreation, used to CRY HIS EYES out at night over at the home of my xh and ow for ME, HIS MOTHER. On some nights, the nanny used to call me to come over to their house (now THAT WAS PAINFUL) to come and read bedtime stories and say prayers with my son so he could simply sleep over there. Believe it or not, I would not interact at all with xh and ow, just walk in the door, go to my sons' room over there, read him a book and say prayers and after he'd fall asleep, go back to my home. I sure hope it eats the xow alive today, and my xh with the horrible PAIN THEY PUT ONTO A CHILD.

My son wants NO CONTACT anymore with the xow/stepmom. And all the "love" she professed for my little boy? Hell she never even tries to call or attempt to see him, the child she used to say "I love like I gave birth to"? When the affairage was over, she cut the ties because after all, when you BETRAY the spouse of the one you are cheating with, YOU BETRAY THE CHILDREN of that family too.

In faith I will pray for you, but seriously. God has a reason for the Ten Commandments. My pastor once explained it like this. That they are God's way and a path for our lives, so as for us NOT to complicate our lives and mess them up, wreaking havoc and pain on other fellow humans. My pastor also said, that the Ten Commandments also allow us to live more stress-free and more happy, thus giving us more time to have fun and experience love with our families and friends.

And sadly, other than murder, adultery is probably the most painful commandment to violate.

Peachy I certainly didn't think I was preaching. I also do not expect anyone here to help me with my current marriage.

I understand all of what you said. I would not argue any of it.

As for my reason for being here, I did originally ask a question on another post. This post was meant to hopefully serve as a warning to others.

Some here have blasted me and that is okay. I expected it. Others here seem to think that my story may have some value and have shown me incredible grace. I am doing the best I can and being human, that won't be perfect!

I just got done reading the locked thread in MB101 wherein the OP was also in an affairage, and based on what I read there, I have some questions. Is your WH remorseful for your affair? Has it ever been explained to the kids that what you two did was wrong? Has he ever apologized to his xBW?

It was explained quite clearly to the kids by their mother what we were doing was wrong from minute one. It was also reiterated by me when I apologized to them later. I told them in detail how what I did was wrong and how I knew it affected them and that they should have never had to endure any of it and owned every bit of it. So yes, the kids know that is was and is wrong to have an affair.

I don't know if my husband is remorseful for having an affair or mostly just for the consequences of it. I can't judge his heart on that although I personally don't see outwardly that he grieves his actions. If he has ever sincerely apologized to his BW I am not aware of it.

You have never asked your H if is remorseful over the pain he caused his xW? You have never asked your H if he apolgized? You have never asked him to have a discussion with his children about the affair? This just seems odd to me...especially given how much thought you seem to have given to the entire matter...

Anyway, I would encourage you to read the thread on MB101.

I will read the thread SusieQ. Yes I have asked him if he is remorseful and I get answers like "well of course" and he says he apologized to her when she found out about us but I can't imagine it was very sincere at that time. They are not capable of having any form of civil communication so I am pretty sure there was never another apology.

No, I never really thought to ask him to have a conversation with his kids. I guess once I started thinking about it I was focused on my responsibilty in all this, not his.

My husband does not like to talk about the past at all. He says he is not that person anymore and he doesn't want it thrown in his face. He insists that God has forgiven and we need to move forward. All I know is that he was unfaithful to me too after saying all of this stuff in counseling so it is hard to believe. I don't know that I would encourage him to say anything to his exBW or his kids. I think that it needs to come when he is sincere and feels the remorse himself, not because I told him to.

ITA.

NewCreation ~ thank you for being here, for being honest and not defensive and for seeming to be truly repentant. You have no idea how rare it is to see this.

I have been on these boards for 4.5 years and have NEVER seen anyone this repentant. One in 4.5 years doesn't say much for most of the OWs out there.

SusieQ I don't know where to find the thread you want me to read. I went to MB101 but didn't know which one to look for and it wasn't obvious. Can you please direct me? Thanks!
NewCreation

Here you go: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2477560&page=1

SusieQ thanks for the link. I read the whole thing. I hope that I do not sound like the original poster in that thread. I would have never dared came here for help to save the relationship I stole.

All the reponses were more of the same it seemed as here as far as posters debating whether or not you can stay married and do right going forward or whether you have to divorce to repent. Although people have been much more civil on this thread. Thankfully!

May I ask if there was something in particular you thought I might benefit from on that thread?

NewCreation

NewCreation, I love your screen name by the way, what an awesome and honest post. How heartbreaking for all concerned.

It seems you ARE a new creation. We have ALL sinned, and it's not until we TURN from our sin, that we begin to travel the road towards redemption and restoration.

Thank God your eyes were opened. If anything, take this message (and it's a biggie) and shout it from the roof-tops. These days not many people will "hear" it but even if ONE person does, then you have accomplished a lot.

Bravo.

P.S. God loves you. He even loved you back then when you were so lost. Stay the course.

Thank you PrincessMeggy. :-)

Thank you, NewCreation! A wonderful post.

May I translate it (some day, when I have more time at hand) and post it on the most visited family portal in our country?

I really hope it will raise much discussion, although many rebuttals are expected as well. Sadly, changing spouses is similar to changing cars in our country. Er, wait... cars may be changed less often! Affairages are so common that almost no-one even cares. So the contempt from extended families is quite rare. But the BS and the children are harmed despite the public attitude.

Anyway... If this letter touches and stirres the mind of at least one AP, it will have served its purpose. And this is some powerful message you've got there.

NewCreation,

Thanks for sharing your wrenching story.

I believe that God can work good out of bad things, and it just could be that your story changes some hearts and marriages.

We're all sinners - it's just that some of us get real enough with ourselves to acknowledge it and try to live better.

Good luck.

Put the initial post of this thread on the other website that is designed for people in current affairs. If you have any doubt the name of this website, goggle "the other woman".

Title it as you have titled it here. MAYBE it will touch one person in a current affair.

My brother had two failed marriages - at least one due to his own cheating. He then spent 5 years working on himself. Since then, he has been in his current marriage for more than 30 years.

AM

Sorry if I sound abrupt, but I am having a hard time finding anything interesting about this post.
There is not direct experience here. The poster is not saying: my H started cheating on me after this # of years we were together.
She is just narrating what could happen to an affaraige...but did it actually happen in her real life? If so how?.
It would have been nicer to hear her true story, how did the A start, how long ago did they marry. What is actually happening now in the M. Is the H cheating....?
Are they both D and do they have kids in common or only from previous M...? and how are the kids doing?
I could have written this post. If you do not give real life examples it is all guess work.

blessing

Aetna, she has put her real life story out there. It's on another post.

Which post...?
thank you

Oh, for goodness' sake......

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478719&page=1

NC2011, I for one am going to thank you, without reservation. I'll go beyond that - I hope you and your estranged husband reconcile, using the MB principles if feasible. Your husband's ex-wife has moved on, and remarried. (Happily?) There are too few days in any of our lives to spend many of them in regret and self-denigration. You and your husband had something good once; I wish you strength and succes in relocating it.

All and all this post tells me also how unrepentant the twice WH is!!!!
Even OW came to her senses...but not the WH!!
This really tells us that misery is in the mind of the beholder.
I seriuosly do not think these WH have anywhere close the idea of the type of pain, guilt and hurt that all the other people in their lives seem to experience (again, even OW)
I am more and more convinced that the WH is the embodiment of today's attitudes and low integrity trends.
The personify the "self centered" being that is so appealing to a lot of people nowdays. The "do what makes you happy" kind of fellow...with no regards for the rest.
blessing

I was just thinking the exact same thing.

Do this!

But DO NOT mention this site!

She'll just get banned and the post will be removed.

You're not allowed to post anything over there that isn't 100% supportive of the OW staying in their A's.

Good grief....well at least a few people will see it before it gets removed. Worth a try, IMO.

x2

For those of you who have not seen another repentant Wayward Wife on the MB BOARDS???


-Mrs. Wondering
-Schoolbus
-and one Vet that everyone keeps forgetting was a WW.....she'll tell on herself I'm sure.

SB
S

Repentant OW, not repentant WW.

It's non-repentant waywards that don't survive here.

I really liked this perspective. Very eye opening to say the least....

I find what you wrote very interesting. When I first opened your thread, I expected to see some satiric writing. I did not expect the honest-feeling information you conveyed. I checked out your original thread, and like this one, and I actually think you may "get it." I am no fan of the OW, like (I'd assume) all BW's, but you intrigue me. I think you're sincere in your warning/writing. Your pain of what your part in the A was shows through. Sadly, though, I doubt other OW would get what you are saying, more likely think you are full of it. Sad, but probably true.
Thank you for sharing.

My stepmother likes to tell the story of how she babysat my brother when he was 3 years old. She says he stood in the bathtub saying "I want my milk!" and she says "All I could think was 'I want one of those!'"....so she took my father from us. How is that for selfishness? She never got one of those because my father didn't want any more children. She's now 65 and childless taking care of a frail 85 year old man. She got everything NewCreation2011 outlined in her post. Forty years of it.

is this what my WW has to look forward to??? i often wonder, you see, i'm not sure someone who is an active participant in splitting up two families (hers/mine w/ 2 kids and his w/ 3 kids) is capable of feeling these types of feelings. this seems to be the exception and not the norm.

my ww is on the verge of making the biggest mistake of her life. its sad to know that this may be a description of the second half of her life.

when i was dragged to a child psychologist a few weeks ago one of the more interesting momments was when the counselor looked at me and said i would be fine but then looked at my wife and said she needed help because she would be dealing with this for the rest of her life.

and I would add my own wife to the list... Grace4me, as truly repentant.

...and Jelly...AW...all are beacons of hope. Love them all.

>no one will love your children like their real parents.

Respectfully, bs. Some people aren't worth the DNA they contributed. Just sayin.

Kimmy's right. Some of my children call their father the sperm donor. I have seen nothing to indicate that he loves them.

I sure appreciate you writing this NC2011. Thank you for this insight. Blessings.

Just stumbled on this today--thank you for having the courage to post this, NewCreation.

My ex-WW was also an "OW who became the new wife" and, even though I have nothing to do with her directly, I still hear things through the grapevine every now and then which confirm the truth of your story.

Should be required reading for every emotionally-addicted WS who is determined to leave his/her marriage for a "greener grass soulmate" affair-partner. I doubt many of them will take it to heart but it maybe could help save a few. Thank you again for your honesty and self-awareness.

bump

bump for NoGoodDeed

Thanks, read it last night. Given me a lot to think about today. Hard to say I would have taken this to heart 22 years ago though.

Bumped just for the hell of it.

Your story brought me to tears because I know theres a chance for this to happen to my WW. Hopefully through prayer and self reflection she will eventually see that myself and her can work out our marriage even though I'm filing for divorce and commit to making it better than before without an affair. Her OM has an ex wife and 3 kids and a fianc�/baby mother with 1 and 3 more I recently found out about. I pray that she doesn't end up trap like you are in a marriage to a habitual liar/cheater and realize what she needs is right under her nose.

I just found this post today and even though I knew this, it just made me feel better seeing it in writing. Thank you.

Hi Newcreation,
Great post!! Well done. I am a BW, but have no children. Do you think my WH and the OW will eventually feel this type of guilt even though my husband and I have no children? I have practically been destroyed over my husband leaving me for the other woman. Will they both ever really care about what they did? He was with her for a little over a year before he left 8 months ago. So this summer will be two years since they have been seeing each other. Over a year sneaking around and 8 months out in the open. People tell me about their Facebook postings and say they write stuff to each other that teenagers would write. He and I were married 18 years and were together 21 years.

More admiring praise for a wayward who came here and lied to us.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2633819#Post2633819

Well, I'm knew so I didn't know.

Does anyone care if I print this off and change BW to BH and so forth? Would like to have this ready for my husband to read when he gets served and his stuff is on the porch.

I'm sure the OP wouldn't mind, Cherry, but keep in mind: you can't educate a wayward. Something might get through the fog, but it's more likely he'll read a sentence or two and then throw it away.

Have you written a Plan B letter for him?

I have. I feel like it is full of hurt and deception though, and I feel like it does need more love? After all I do love him still... i just dont want to see him anymore or be near him.

Who cares what they think? They aren't going to say or think anything worth hearing.

I don't know if you're in Plan B, Barbie but the best cure for your situation is a Plan B approach.

Tell all your nearest and dearest that you won't hear any gossip about the waywards. It is needlessly distressing for you and no longer your business.

Put your fingers in your ears and sing loud if you have to. I did and it worked.

Once there is no possibilty of you hearing it, everyone gets bored.

The soulmate shmoopies lose their audience and only have each other to contend with.

And that's when the boredom kicks in for the 'us against the world' soulmates.

Plus you have better things to occupy yourself. Paint your toenails.

We misses you!

Bump, because why not?

bump

This person didn't marry his affair partner, but he did leave his wife for her.
Read what he writes about their relationship, from a waywards perspective.
He complains of a total lack of trust and care:

http://www.cheaterville.com/?page=cheaters&id=33933&sid=96591

Oh I wish I could send this to the OW who thought her life would be all sunshine and rainbows when she pursued my husband. Bump.