Oops...forgot about those and will pass them on to her. Pardon the amnesia?

I'm going to say this as gently as possible.....

Snooping and exposure activity is covert work!

Repairing and recovering your marriage is NOT covert..... Lay out what you need and what you would like to do. Tell her what you want.... It's not a wait and see, my friend. Waiting around to see what she's going to do next is a recipe for disaster. Would you wait and see what an alcoholic is gonna do when you take their bottle away, or would you see to it that they get to some AA meetings, pronto?

Counseling/coaching now is the best recipe for success. If needed, ask your in-laws, friends, etc. to help you finance the expenses of some short term counseling with The Harleys... They are the leaders in helping couples recover from infidelity. Why would you ever want to settle for second best counsel? or a wait and see approach?

OK, I'm stepping back again.... That really was meant to be gentle. I hope you received it the way it was intended.

No worries, received just fine. Seriously, thanks for taking the time to help. It's been good having a group to bounce things off of and point out things that I'm not seeing.

Crud. I'm just now seeing that I don't have much of a plan at all and am still worried how she'll react. Why the h do I still do that?

Maybe I should call by myself and ask the question above. I don't get my hesitation...need to chew on that for a while.

All's quiet on the western front. I sent off the two letters to OM's parents and sister but haven't heard anything. I kind of doubt that I will.

NC letter #2 went in the mail last week, he probably got it Tuesday at work. I haven't seen any indication that he responded to my W so that's good.

So far, so good with NC. W seems to be doing better day by day, so I think we're on track for now. Both kids have been sick and so has W so UA time has slipped this week. We talked about it and are back on schedule. It definitely helps and we both notice a difference when UA time slacks.

I've ordered the "Five Steps..." workbook and the Love Busters book. They should be in next week so I'll sit down with her and go over the plan with her so that we don't flounder. We've got to get moving here.

We're seeing a new marriage counselor--not sure what I think of him yet as I've only been one time. It's iffy.

His first question to me was why we were there. I told him it was because we had lost the romantic love. He seemed surprised and I think he expected me to immediately rant about the affair. He asked for clarification so I gave him a Harley question..."How many happily married, madly in love, couples have you seen that want a divorce?" I think it threw him.

I'll see how the next session goes on Monday and if she'll get on board with the MB material once it comes in. From there I'll push for a phone call with Harleys.

Got a question that's been bugging me for a while. I've found the facebook page of OM's ex-wife and am wanting to contact her. Why, I'm not really sure--maybe just to see what happened to her marriage and if it jives with the version my wife gave.

OM's W divorced him in November or December, so I cannot help but think that my wife's involvement was instrumental in that. But, I live in an alienation of affection state and would hate to get a civil suit should this woman be completely out for vengeance. I wonder if she even knows about my wife?

I don't know--should I even go down that road or let sleeping dogs lie? I'm only 12 days into a second NC so I'm not out of the woods, yet.

I'm not even sure what I'd say to her..."Hey, my wife had an affair with your ex-husband. Want to compare notes?"

W and I started reading HNHN and have the 5-steps workbook that we'll go through once we're done with the book. Love Busters should be coming in this week, seems to be taking a while to get here.

So I'm about nine months past D-day and about a month after exposure so I've been living this stuff for a while now.

W is really coming around and I can see that she's really trying to get things right here. We're reading His Needs-Her Needs right now. Read the first two chapters but decided to skip Affection and SF and read the one on conversation as it seemed most applicable to us at this time.

It sparks good conversation and we're just now getting back to enjoying each other's company.

But, unfortunately for her, I have this SF need that is a real struggle for me. We've talked about it many times and I honestly know that she will not get there as quickly as I wish. That's just where she (and we) are right now...in the friendship stage. Ok, I get that and know that we're only just getting started at rebuilding this mess. I cannot force her to feel something that she doesn't and rebuilding the romantic love takes time.

Damn, though, I didn't know it would be so hard to be patient.

So I really shouldn't complain, but I feel like I've been trying for soooo long and she's only now coming around and I'm just tired and worn out.

Where we are now, actually working on this marriage, is the place that I wanted us to get to. So why am I not jumping for joy? Why do I look at what I don't have instead of what I do? I know better.

Any advice, critiques, smacks on the head or been-there-done-thats?

NW - I think you might have to take matters into your 'own hands' so to speak. You said yourself, you need to be patient - so try to take your own advice. Think long term and keep your eyes on the prize. The prize is a fullfilling, lifelong relationship with somebody.

..just my 2 cents worth. I'd give a lot to be in your shoes, FWIW.

Ha ha, took me a second to get that.

My patience comes and goes by the hour, I'd say. Good and bad days, but the good are very slowly starting to outnumber the bad. But still, well, you know how it is.

Honestly I do feel bad complaining when others have it rough. I actually laughed at myself when, earlier, I posted that you needed to be patient. We'll all get somewhere eventually if we can only stay on the ride long enough. Oh well, I feel a little better now...thanks for chiming in.

NW8900 - The SF was a huge LB$ buster for my WW the last 6 months of 2010. Now I know why - you have the excitement of a new lover and then you come home to your H - bummer - been there done that, got the T-shirt! I would pressure, she would be there physically but not emotionally. She would just lay there, I would feel guilty afterwards - my taker was in full blown control. 'She already says she hates you, what have you got to lose?'

This from a woman whose libido was off the charts until our DS was born. I tried to change that up too, but again, she was passive about it. She never changed anything up for us or made any effort at all. Frustrating, very frustrating.

Hang in there and vent here - not to your WW! You've got a beach head established, don't get pushed back into the sea.

Norwood8900,

I think this might work for you, remember 9 months ago and where you were. I think without a doubt you would want to go back to that, the way things are now is still better than that. Another 9 months might even be a better place........that is what patience will get you.................sexually passion for women starts in the morning and all day long........little looks, little touches, look good, smell good until she sees you again...........being her soft place and really listening and understanding her is going to be so sexy to her..............when you feel you can't be patinent any longer remember where you were and how grateful you are that you aren't there any more................I bet one day you will look back and you will have really enjoyed getting to know your wife again, probably better than you did before, same for her, there won't ever be anything that will ever get between you two again with that kind of relationship..............
hang in there

Hey Andy, thanks for the input. Yup, been there before and, though I cannot fault her for the effort, it reminded me of those stories of women in the 1950's that would mentally make out their grocery list while her husband "did his business."

Ugh. But, at least we've talked about it and agreed it wasn't where either wanted to be. I guess that's a good thing, even though no solution was offered.

Jessitaylor--I appreciate the reminder, seems I kind of forget how things used to be in my oh-so-patient attempts to get moving forward in this.

It helps to vent here, thanks all for putting up with me when I get in pity-party mode...just got to remember to tell myself to chill the h out.

NW8900 - yeah...some of us are very envious of your current position. :-)

Guys, could really use an opinion on this. I've found where OM's ex-wife works with a phone number. Other than curiosity about the decline of their marriage, I cannot think of any other reason to call her.

But what if they weren't actually divorced? All I saw was where their house sold in December.

But what if they actually had kids?

Should I call or send her an email?

EDIT: Other than my letters to OM's parents and sister (who I never heard back from) I did no exposure to OM's family. I have never spoken with or seen OM's wife and don't want to open a can of worms here.

Hate to bump my thread when others have much more serious questions, but could really use some thoughts on contacting OM's ex-wife.

I don't want to start anything since NC is going so well, and don't want this woman to call my W and give her a bunch of grief, but I just have some questions for the ex.

Thoughts, please? I don't know if I'm missing something here.

NW8900 - I don't know what to tell you. My gut tells me to try and let it go - if NC is going well. You might just open a can of worms and the 'urge' to make contact will start again with one party or the other.

That's kind of my thinking, but still bothers me. Maybe it's because the only "evidence" I have that OM and his W were divorced with no children comes from my wife.

I'm pretty sure I found OM's wife's facebook page. It's set to private so you cannot even send a message. But her main picture is a collage of a boy playing little league baseball. Her son? her nephew? Or maybe not even the right OM's wife?

Expose it anyway; remember that waywards lie. Both in he could have lied to your wife, and that your wife was lying to you.


And, gentleman, SF isn't a LB when your WS is in an active A; what it is is a reminder that they are engaged in horrible behavior.

DO NOT COMPARE ANYTHING THEY DID WITH THE OM TO ANYTHING THEY DO WITH YOURSELF.

Remember that an A is a "love-buster free" fantasy bubble - of course things were different, because that entire fantasy world was supported by the blood, sweat, and tears of the BH.

The lie was no resentment, the same resentment they choose to take to bed with their BH, and CHOOSE to ignore with the fantasy bubble.

That's why A's die; they are based on blind fantasy, not reality.


Gentleman, show your (F)WW what the difference between SF w/ a douchenozzle OM and a loving, caring H is really all about. You will reap the reward.

HOLY FREAKING COW!

So I called what I thought was OM's ex-wife. First I confirmed that I had the right person. I did. She was at work, I told her who I was, who my wife was and told her about the EA. I asked if she could speak, she said 'not really' but to continue.

I asked if she was divorced and if she had any children. She said 'no' to both of those things.

OM is still married to this woman! Crap! Now, who was lying?

1. OM telling my WW that he was separated when he met WW, and the divorce was finalized not long ago.

2. WW telling me #1.

I gave OMW my contact info and email, should she have any questions. She did want to know all of what happened and I apologized for dropping this on her lap on a Monday afternoon at work. She said she really appreciated me calling, no need to apologize at all.

Most of her concern was whether or not the affair is over. I told her that, to the best of my knowledge, it is. She asked how I knew. I told her.

I'm so glad I called this poor woman. Her husband is a real sleaze.

Then why do I feel like I just stepped in it?

NW8900 - As tough as that must've given, you did her a favor. I with someone would've done it for me!