Exposure happens during Plan A. If all is so wonderful with OW why wouldn't your WH want everyone to know? You expose and continue with Plan A until you have your ducks lined up for Plan B.

Ideally exposure should be all at once, as soon as possible. You have waited a long time, and exposure has trickled out. You should expose to OW family/friends all at once. Not after you go to Plan B.

All waywards get mad. You just remain calm and offer him a cookie.

Once again I urge you to make an appointment for MB counseling. This way you will have professional help on exactly what you need to do, and when you need to do it. It will be worth every penny.

Trista --

I would sit your girls down and explain to them your plan.
Tell them that you have done your best to negotiate with their dad to end his affair and come home. That you love him and want him to come home.
But its gone on too long, and has become too painful. You are going to cease communication with him. He is still welcome to contact the girls to arrange spending time with them. And they are free to contact him as they want to. But you would appreciate not hearing about his life -- and you hope that they will refrain from telling WH about yours.
Tell them that by removing yourself from this triangle, you hope that WH will come to realize that he wants the marriage and the family intact.
You have written WH a letter explaining all this -- and what will be required of him if he wants reconciliation. You can't go back to the way things have been for the last 2 years. You need to be safe in the marriage and assured that this will not happen again.
Tell your girls that you love them, and need their support.

@Trista -

It doesn't matter if he is making decisions about the marriage right now. You have a plan that specifies requirements for you to stay in the marriage. He has to meet them. His decision has to be made not to play you once again, but to actually step up and meet your requirements. Don't buy his BS when he says he wants to work on the marriage. You have been down that road. It doesn't work.

WS must meet Plan B requirements.

In this case, because Plan A/Plan Doormat has gone on so long, I believe it's been suggested that she expose immediately after going into Plan B (like that same day).

DO NOT RESPOND TO HIM when he begins throwing his hissy fit. Let him and the OW LB the heck out of each other. You will be protected from their temper tantrums with Plan B.

"I believe it's been suggested that she expose immediately after going into Plan B (like that same day)".

Okay, I missed that. Was just informing what the norm is for exposure.

Still recommend professional counseling with Harley's.

She would want to finish her exposures AFTER she goes dark so she doesn't have to listen to the explosion.

And Trista, I would add a line in the letter that your children are NOT to be exposed to his affair partner. Tell your DD that if the OW shows up, she is to call you to come get her. The OW is a scumbag and an unfit adult.

We have had many BS' here get this put into their separation/divorce papers.

Looks like I will be implementing Plan B letter via email tonight. I was going to do it Mon/Tues...but I was messing with my cell phone last night trying to figure out how to block it. Well I accidentally blocked my DD15's cell as well as mine from WH's phone number. He tried to call her this morning and found out he was blocked, so he must have called her from another number to talk to her. He asked her if I had blocked him from our phones.

So then she asked me and I told her, I was only trying to block just my number. But because she is on the same plan it must have blocked hers too. I have since fixed that, now only mine is blocked.

I decided to go ahead and email him and ask him what address should I forward his mail to. It seems only inevitable that the Plan B letter should follow that up.

On Exposure letter:

I am not using FB to send out the messages. I have a list of emails that I had copied from an email OW had sent WH where she cc'd her entire family on it.

Should I make up an alternate email address, say through gmail or yahoo?

As soon as I send the emails out, should I shut down that email account or leave it open for responses?

Do I use my name anywhere in that email?

What email address do you think would be good to use? Something very neutral, nothing like betrayed at gmail...or antigrannyho at gmail,

Let me know, it's in the works!

I would not set up an alternate email addy, you have nothing to hide. If anyone responds nastily, I would either respond VERY graciously ONE TIME ONLY, or ignore it.

Yes, use your name, you have nothing to hide. Let them know you are a REAL person with a real name. Add your last name too so they see you are still married.

If you have a nice family pic with all of you in it, I would consider attaching that.

Trista, use your full name and your H's full name on the exposure letter. I would set up a new gmail account and KEEP it open so you can read the responses. Some folks will ask for more information and you should be prepared to answer them.

You can expect some trashtalk. Don't let it bother you! Anyone who defends this affair is a crapwit whose opinion does not matter. Just delete any of those.

Update on yesterday (Sat 19th):

Plan B is still in the works. I have been working on the letter every day since I posted it here. I have edited it and added new things. I have taken out what was suggested as being too much and stopped apologizing in the letter.

I think I am jumping the gun though by trying to "ask" him things..without telling him how it's going to be in the PBL. When I asked him via email yesterday morning where he would like his mail forwarded to, he did not even respond to me. Fast forward to about 3 hours after I sent that email, I get a text from him asking if I am going to my DD15's cheer competition that day and if I had the camera (his camera) with me. I thought I had blocked both phone calls and texts, but apparently the texting still got through. I only replied "yes." Then he asked me if I was picking DD14 up from babysitting over at her older sisters house. I did not reply to that one.

About an hour after I didn't reply back to him, he walked into my hair salon with a ticked off look on his face. He asked me the same questions over again. I was not being "bxxchy in any way to him" (which later I will tell you what he said about that) I told him that I was going to the cheer meet, that I did have the camera with me and asked him if he wanted it now, and that NO, I had no plans to pick up DD14 from babysitting to take her with me as I didn't know what time I would get out of work. So WH took it upon himself to go get DD14 from babysitting, and to take her and my grandson with HIM to the cheer meet. They had PLENTY of time to get there.

Once I got off work, I headed over to the cheer meet. I was running late...and their cheer team had a set time to perform of 1:40. I called DD14 on my way over to ask the location again of the meet. I was a little surprised that WH and DD14 were not even there yet, but were instead eating at McDonalds. The time was like 1:15. It was raining cats and dogs here yesterday, and I did not make it in time to see her perform. When I walked into the auditorium, WH and DD were standing outside lobby area and had missed it also.

To make this long story short, I got blamed for his missing DD15 perform! I had no control over what he did or how he executed picking up the other daughter and getting his butt over there. And why stop at McDonalds if you were so concerned about being there on time? He told me that the ONLY reason he came into town was JUST to see DD15 perform. I said well then you should have JUST went to the cheer place and not bothered with anything else. I was fuming!

So you all are probably wondering why I am even telling you about this...it leads up to my trying to implement PLB and not sure if I can make it stick. This man is hard headed, arrogant,controlling and is really good at turning everything on me and blaming me. PLB worries me because it is going to make him so mad, he will pull everything out from under me, financially speaking. I am now thinking that I probably will have to move out in order to get PLB to work like I want it to.

He was angry already yesterday before he even said two words to me. I believe OW is giving him grief already, because he mentioned something about ALL women being crazy. I did ask him to elaborate on "what's going on" and he said that she has been texting him all day "where are you???" "why aren't you answering my texts" etc. So the LB'ing is going on between them two.

Then he had the nerve to ask me, "WHY" my DD14 went to babysit at her sisters house, and why couldn't my DD22 bring the baby to our house? He actually accused me of "sneaking around" and getting rid of DD14 so that I could go out!!! He said "I don't know what all the secrets are about" Is this man delusional or what? I was laughing to myself. I didn't deliberately "get rid" of my DD14 so I could "go out"...LOL. My oldest daughter and my youngest daughter set up a babysitting deal, where my oldest came to pick up youngest and brought her to her house overnight so that in the morning, oldest could get ready for work and leave. I didn't know DD14 was my babysitter too! He still thinks that I had youngest leave, so I could go paint the town. Ironic since the 15 yo was home all night and could tell him I didn't go anywhere. But it doesn't matter! It's just pure manipulation and control coming out, and PBL needs to be sent today!

Now don't get me wrong, don't want anyone here worrying about my not following through with things. I am getting ducks in a row here. This is a very manipulative man and I need to play my cards right. I can't just throw PBL out there, and not make sure that I have everything ready to go. The house not being in my name worries me. Here all along I thought that he would continue to keep financial arrangements as they are so long as he feels like he isn't being bothered and can have fling with OW. My trying to keep him away from me, is worse than I thought. I thought it would be easy for him. We talked a little bit last night about if he was going to get a place. I didn't mention any PB things. I was just curious why he had to come see kids in our home, and wants to "hang out"...someone else mentioned in one of their posts...this is a home, not a hotel..and you're not just gonna run back and forth between OW's house and mine. He has not "let go" that this isn't still his home.

I think with OW pressuring his whereabouts already, that he really dislikes being in her home 24/7 on the weekends and using my home as his outlet away from her. When I questioned WHY he feels the need to be in our home to see his children, he got tears in his eyes and said "where else am I gonna take them when I'm in town"...I told him I didn't know, that it was his problem. He then got very upset with me and wanted to know why I was being such a "BxxCH!" This is where it got a little worrisome for me, I know what is coming with PB. He says "then why am I paying for everything in this house, if I can't come see my kids and spend time with them in my house!" He says "basically you're telling me FU, you can't come into the house. Well what if I told you FU, I'm not paying for anything in the house anymore, including the mortgage." I just said, "well then I guess I will have to go get an apartment" He dropped the subject after that. He believes I am turning my kids against him. I said "No, you are turning your kids against you" Blame is being thrown my way heavily.

I don't think he will have a problem not contacting me via email, text, or phone. What I do think he will have a problem with, is not being able to spend time with his kids in the house that HE pays for and has ONLY his name on it. Suggestions at this point? I was hoping to try to get my name on the house, but at this point...don't think I can. This is a community property state, and I think that means that anything owned prior to marriage does not get split, and remains sole property of the person whose name it's in.

Once again ~ YOUR SITCH/WH IS NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER WH. Go back and read my threads from 4 years ago...ALL WSs ARE THE SAME.

I'm not trying to upset you but honestly...this is getting a little old. You are WAY PAST PB TIME!


Yes we are ~ are you trying to convince us or yourself that he's "different"? We all know he is not.



Yes you can. He cannot MAKE you have contact with him. If he gets through your PB, that is YOUR fault, not his. You have 100% control over you and your life. Avoid him at all costs, take friends/family members to protect you when you are at children's functions, etc.


This is criteria to be a WS. He's no different than any other WS.


Again, why the h*ll are YOU worried about HIM being mad? For crying out loud, aren't you furious that he's having an affair, banging a trashy OW and disrespecting you in this way??? WHO GIVES A RAT'S *SS IF HE'S MAD?



Let him try, then you will immediately get a lawyer and have it put into writing that he must continue his financial obligations. HE is the one having an A and having abandoned his family, remember? You have done nothing wrong.


Huge mistake. Do not move out. Go into your PB as we've been talking about for what ~ a week now? You could be safe in PB by now but you are making tons of excuses. Quit analyzing this and thinking he's "different". He's not.

For the love of God, go into PB TODAY, will you?

All that drama from yesterday could have been avoided if you were in PB like you should have been. Some people (women especially) seem to thrive on their WSs drama. Please tell me you are not one of them.

There is no good reason why you are not in a pitch black PB right now. None, unless you thrive on the drama.

P.S. from the time I found out we had been in a FR (the A continued for almost a year from the time I found out, unbeknownst to me), I was in a pitch black PB in 48 hours from the time I found out and at the time we had 4 young children that I was also dealing with. My Plan B was not broken because *I* was in control at that point and I made sure it wasn't broken.

There is no good reason why it's taken you this long to get into Plan B. NONE.

<P.S. call a locksmith out TODAY and have them change the locks on your house so that your WH can't get in. I called them out at 9 pm on a Saturday night, they can make emergency calls. If you don't do this and he gets in, you will only have yourself to blame.>

married forever, do you have a link to your thread? I would like to read it.

Plan B today! I promise.

Of course he will have a problem with that!! But that is a consequence of abandoning your family for an affair. Don't protect him from the consequences of his affair. You do so at your expense and the expense of your children. Plan B is supposed to give him a taste of what it will be like to get divorced. Would you allow him to stay in your home if you are divorced? Of course not. That is ridiculous.

Allowing him in your house like PROPS UP THE AFFAIR because it allows him to feel like he hasn't really abandoned his family and gives him a FIX of you.

You should change the locks and keep him out. Who cares if he pays the mortgage? That doesn't mean he can come in.

THE BEST THING for your husband, your marriage and your kids is for your H to experience what all other divorced dads experience, and that is to pick up his kids in the drive way and take them to the mall, dinner, etc, and be a part time dad. Don't protect him from the consequences of his choices. You are just making it WORSE for all involved by doing that.

You are standing in front of a fabulous opportunity to kill this affair if you will just take it. You are unwittingly propping up this affair and don't seem to realize it.

If you do this right, Trista, I predict you will have a marriage back. No guarantees, but I see so many signs here that this affair is on its last legs and so many signs that your enabling is just propping it up.

Stop enabling this affair, Trista. Stand up for your marriage and stop operating on fear and emotions. Stick to the plan and do not let him through.

Go dark as night and make a plan to stop him from getting through. If you think he will come to the beauty shop next weekend, then take the weekend off and make plans to be elsewhere. Change your locks, and think of any possible way he could get through. Block him at every turn and don't let it happen.

Trista, do you have an IM in place?

Yes I do...I sent her the information about how to be an IM and haven't heard back from her. I do trust her and I know for sure she would do this for me. I will contact her again and make sure she got the IM information.

Tell her she can email me if she runs into trouble. This job is very easy if you do it right and I would be willing to help her. If you want to do that, please email the moderators and they will give you my email address.