Stretch a few things. You are fogged. Take down the signature that says she is amazing. She is human and flawed just like you and me.

This will take time, you better steel yourself for the long ride. No more tears, you have a plan and if it works great.

Do the improvements on Stretch for YOU not her.

Her changes will come, but not as fast as you would like. And you will find yourself in a place where when she starts to turn you don't WANT her back. Thats normal too.

All hands on deck Stretch, this is the fight of your life and you need to get a grip or you won't last. LOOK AFTER STRETCH

If that's what she really said. Did her therapist tell you this, or was this something that came out of your wayward's mouth?

Stretch - Please don't listen to the stuff that comes out of your WW mouth right now. (Good or Bad). I know that's harder said than done, but try. I get venum every night - divorce is inevitable, I really hate you, blah, blah, blah. It's tough and some of those comments really hurt, but stand firm. She's still pissed that I won't apologize for exposing the affair - not backing down from that one either.

Andy, tell your WW that one day she will thank you for doing whatever it took to fight for your marriage. And Stretch, don't let her have the easy way out by agreeing to end the M. Fight for it as long as you are emotionally able to do so. Again, someday she will probably thank you for fighting for your R.

Hey Stretch,

I was just too hard on you (I am Not a vet here), but it seems she is just kicking your butt.

To clear up, what I meant was that I have a wife who is loyal, and more importantly in this day and age, moral. We have been through more than you could possibly realize.

The reason for the advice to walk is simply lack of remorse on her part. That would hurt me and other 'old fashioned' H's to such an extent that I would never have stayed.

Let me tell you something from my experience. True romance and sexual attraction and desire for one another just doesn't always rise up - especially after several years of marriage. It depends on the history between you two. History should create good and attractive memories, and if that history is interrupted by an inturder, that results in doubt, wonder, and resentment.

A husband and wife need to be No. 1 to each other - if that is waylaid, then the W feels like No. 2, and when she is ivolved in an affair, you are No.3 at best!

So, what do you do, especially with young kids affected by her affiar. You need to consider taking the hard line, and that is what I meant. Right now you seem to be the fallback No. 2 - like a backup QB. I don't really care about the crap about the 'fogbabble' - if you are human you simply have a tendancy to feel remourse about hurting another person! It's clear your W is not anywhere near there now. If I were you I would immediately go into Pan B.

Tom

Thanks for all the advice. I am sticking in here and fighting for my family and this marriage. Still working on Plan A. Enough vets have told me Plan A takes a long time. Its only just over a week since exposure. We are talking. We are having some very nice days. She admitted that I deposited Love Units many times this week.

But she is still angry about exposure. She is still in withdrawal. She is still numb and in emotional shock.

I have plenty of my own work to do. Just gotta focus on me. I will be a better man however this comes out. My prayer is that she sees the better man and a wave of remorse, shame, guilt and a feeling of "what the hell did I almost throw away?!?!" surfaces.

Plan B is a ways off for now.

Stretch - Hang in there. You and I got on the rollercoaster at the same time, and we're probably just getting started. It might help to sketch out what you want to do FOR yourself and what you're going to do if WW does X. Let's face it, you don't have to gameplan that many options. She leaves or she stays; if she stays, then what. If she leaves, then what.

I like to plan and be prepared, so I've tried to sketch out the most likely scenarios from both sides. It's like playing chess - move, counter move, etc. If you think through the possibiities now, while you have a relatively quiet mind, you might (and I stress might) recall it in a heated discussion. If you don't do this, you'll have to think about it during the heat of the moment. IMHO your odds of delivering your desired message will go down. This should also give you a sense of control over the situation that you currently do not have.

My WW is very 'sad' right now and she has historically been very impulsive - I'm aware of her tendencies, so I know that I need to be prepared to talk about our situation at almost any time. She'll lob zingers at random moments - I'm learning to just let them roll off me.

Hang in there, but you really need to re-think your tag line. I love my WW too - but it's my DS that deserves the best WW and I have to offer. Big Picture right now - details later!

Thanks Andy,
Glad to have someone on the same timeline. I am so emotional and she seems like nothing has changed. At the time, she admits, she subconciously wanted to hurt me. I did not deserve that. Her depression and mid life crisis did this as much as my bad husbanding. I was bad. I was innattentive. I took her for granted and she often felt put down. Ugly, ugly.

But I thought I was a good man. Better than most. No way I deserved an affair. The emails I came across show a woman out of control. Her friends were proud of her new found freedom and compliment her. All the while, smiling at me, coming over here for family getogethers, going on multi-family vacations.... Its sickening. Just sickening.

Geez Stretch and Andy, I feel like we are all part of a 40-something reality show. Stretch, I too was inattentive, and I took my wife for granted. But somehow we were still best friends and she said I was the best father in the whole world. Yet she "fell into" an A.

Being inattentive does not give your W permission to have an A!!!! And there is no such thing as a mid life crisis. Your W deliberately chose to go outside the M for fun and games. You did not cause this! If you imply one more time that you caused all of this, Andy and I both are going to come over and kick your a**!

Stretch change will come only very slowly for her. I am way ahead of you on the timeline, and believe me its grating on the nerves so strap yourself in.

You did not deserve the affair. NO ONE does. She should have left first, same with Andys wife, and mine. But they didn't. And its us good men that have to deal with it. But we will all come through it.

As for her friends, my wife has a couple of enablers too. Remember them later when they need help or you learn of an affair for them. But get yourself recovered first.

Wisertoday - ROTFLMAO - about the Stretch causing his WW affair.

Unfortunately we ARE part of a reality show, real life. I wish I could just change the channel and be done with it. I don't think I was inattentive though, I was always trying to balance work and life. I was always pushing for a date night and wanting to do things with WW and as a family. I had the life I always wanted; there were problems..but in the grand scheme of things all was good.

Listen to others who've traveled this road, like Reynolds, any change will be slow in coming. Just start preparing mentally for a marathon. It helps me to feel like I'm prepared, that's why I'm always trying to think of various angles that might get played. That's why I visited an attorney.

My wife was completely out of control, but she seems to have picked her affair partner very carefully. He was someone that didn't go to her usual haunts, so she kept him away from her circle of friends that I might interact with on a date night. Very, very shrewd. She had plausible excuses, but eventually they became a little too fantastic to believe. That's when I started to become suspicious. Now, she's stuck in a way - I believe. I'm sure she's confided in a couple of friends that weren't reached by the exposure, but she really can't say a whole lot. I'm sure it's a bit surreal for all of us.

I am no vet friend, you make it sound like I am done the road. I am just getting started. I am a couple of turns in front of you guys but lord knows if I made the right ones.

Sorry but this reminds me so much of The Lonely Island's song "Jizz in My Pants" that was on SNL..... check it out on hulu dot com on one of those "I need a laugh" days..... Don't mean to make light of things, but sometimes it's good to have a laugh when things are rough.

BTW - My college roommate, during a theatre rehearsal, was having back pain while we rehearsed for Romeo and Juliet. A girl (whom he wasn't even attracted to) had him lay down on the floor on his stomach and gave him a TOTALLY PLATONIC backrub..... but he said it felt so good that he realized *TOO LATE* that he was about to and then DID...... uh..... release in his pants!!!! He had to lay there in the hallway until she left! Oh man..... sometimes being a guy is just tough!

Don't look for tears or remorse yet. She is still in an active Wayward mindset. The feelings of guilt and shame are in there and her subconscious is working double-time to keep them buried as she watches your pain and knows, despite all her excuses, that SHE ALONE caused this.

My WXW took about 3 days before she showed ANY emotion besides anger and defensiveness, but they were LOOOOOOOONG 3 days.

My tip for you today is: cry on your own time. Keep your head high. Let her see you strong. Now, don't beat yourself up for how you felt before. That's all FINE. But TODAY, try being strong in front of her. After a while of that, THAT is what will make her crack and gush wide open with her supressed emotions (more than likely) - seeing you trying to be brave and strong and trying not to let her see you in pain (AKA "protecting her"). She will probably lose it at that point when she finally feels THAT specific feeling - that you are soldiering up and being strong to protect her from feeling bad.... at least with my ex. It took about 3 months until my WXW had a full-breakdown and apology, long after we had separated. It came when I calmly told her what my current, Post-Separation life was like, and how I was adjusting and could see that one day things would feel better (while NEVER blaming her) - basically I just removed the blame and told her the facts of how my day-to-day life had changed without putting in emotion or blame. Then SHE lost it and began spilling apologies and strange guilty sobs that I hadn't heard..... then I lost it a little myself, but pulled up my dignity, said that I was sorry, I hadn't intended to make it emotional, and that we'd talk later when I could compose myself. Still no blame. Hung up, and then got the most honest from the heart thing I ever got from her, just a simple text 5 minutes later that said "im so sorry"
It meant so much to me to finally read and believe it that I kept it on my phone for a while - didn't respond to it, but it was nice to hear.

So who knows exactly when your WW will "crack" - but don't worry that she's an emotionless android..... the longer she does a poker face, the deeper the hurt will run inside her.

Just focus on yourself for right now. Breathe, embrace the "heartbreak diet" that's making you shed those pounds (that was a bonus for me too!), and remember to stay in the moment, be still, and cry all you want when she's not around. I sure did - probably drank more water than ever in my life cause I was losing so dang much out my eyes!

Arpeggi - thanks for that post, especially the timeline you encountered. Unfortunately I feel like I'm headed in the same direction. It's going to take months before the final outcome is decided. My WW is stubborn and she doesn't cry - I think I've seen it maybe 3 times in 8 years.

I do get the sense that she's trying to work through all the conflicting emotions in her head. I believe humiliation, pride and the sense of 'what am I going to do now' are most often top of mind. She is concerned that I'll expose the affair to her new employer, but I wouldn't do that. If anything, the job will help to keep her out of trouble by giving her something constructive to do. She's asked whether the neighbors know and they don't right now - with one exception. Now, if she moves out, I'll probably need help with DS, so I'll have no choice but to tell the people we're closest with in the 'hood. I obviously hope it doesn't come to that.

I hope you're right about the poker face - I need to remember how you presented your post-separation life - just the facts and no blame or emotion.

Wow. I feel her poker face and suppression. Its hard at work.
But there is a chance we're on a faster timeline.

Yesterday, I did not cry all day. And she knows that. She knows I am being strong.

Last night, she started to cry herself.

She said, "Everyone wants to shame me. And I am not shaming myself enough. I am broken. You find other people like your on-line group to shame me. Tell you how hideous I am. How hideous my actions are. When I talked to my friends and sister today, everybody asks, 'How is he? How is your poor husband?'"

Later in bed when I said I love you, "I don't feel very worthy of that." I asked her if she wanted to rest her head in my arms and she did. I held her. Our favorite intimate embrace.

Honestly, earlier in the day, I was starting to let her go. I was thinking how I didn't want someone back who wasn't at all remorseful. And who manipulated every conversation, interaction, story and thought to make me the bad guy -- to project motivations and thoughts upon me that I do not have. "The monstrification of the husband." Someone earlier said I would have that feeling on the roller coaster too. Moments when you just don't want her back.

But last night, some remorse and guilt was creeping into her tears. And I hurt! I have been waiting for them, but boy I didn't expect to be so sad when I first saw them.

We are both broken. ANd we are both able to fix this. I hate imagining that this will not work out. It might not. Our therapist clearly pointed that out. Heck, my wife has wanted to leave me for two years. Decided to have an affair instead. But the love I felt when I saw her in pain (finally) over this.... oof. I need to work extra, extra hard on being the best man I can be. Plan A. I want this to work.

Still hanging in there. Day two without crying. She is a distant, detached mess today. I am having a great time with the kids. Made breakfast, lunch, dinner. Playing with kids. Being the best I can be. Planning a spring break vacation for the family. Staying strong. She is sick so I gave her a steam bath, hot tea, hot blanket, foot rub, medicine, time to rest while the kids are occupied with me.

He r mind is detached. What is she thinking about? I don't know. But I am not crying today!

Stretch - sounds like you're doing good..in the grand scheme of things. From your posts, you sound stronger and more balanced. Keep working at that and know that you'll have a range of emotions. Hang in there!

Sounds like shes turning a corner!

This is big news.
Last night: SF !!!