I'd ask Neak how long her OW kept trying to get through to Neak's husband (or Neak), but I'm betting she's crashed by now. It was a V.E.R.Y. long time, though. I do remember that.

tl

sunshine, schedule a polygraph. They run around $500 and most WS's spill their guts before you even get there. I really think that would be your best bet to get to the truth. The fact that your gut is telling you there is more, tells me there is probably MORE.

I would schedule this b/c honestly, there's smoke and probably fire somewhere with wh.

One thing to note, some ow bide their time, plot some more, then try to return. Monkeyho, the skankiest skank that ever skank'd a man-ho, the infamous ow I dealt with for two years, came back after I thought my xh and I were in recovery.

The excuse used to try to contact him again? She was afraid for her Christian faith. Yep. She began trying to establish contact again to try to talk to him about "forgiveness".

Never underestimate the crazy of an affair partner. Never. This ow, even took my then wh, to a church-sponsored (a neighboring church, mega church where he was caught there by friends of ours from our Sunday school class) event to help marriages. Believe it or not! The ow conned my then H to go to these seminars at this church b/c she told him "she had prayed and wanted to know that he and I (me) were healed in our marriage from their affair."

Um...they were in bed within a week or two of me finding out they'd established contact.

Find out all you can. Snoop like mad. And gather up all info on ow. Copy that FB message. If she keeps up, file charges against her for stalking. I am serious!

Thank you all for your replies. This is such a difficult situation, and it is so nice to be able to talk to people who have been where I am and understand. I think I may tell my WH about this whole FB fiasco. I know anything is possible, but i believe he will be very mad that she is doing this. Right now my resolve is not with this FB message anymore, but with possible past A's he may have had. That is what I want to get to the bottom of. And everyone is right, I need a polygraph done. What will I do if he has had 3,4,5 A's over the years? I'm afraid to find out.

Another thing to consider is since we have started MB, I have fallen so deep in love with my WH again, and he with I. These have been the best and WORST 9 mos of my marriage! If he strays again after we have implemented the MB concept, then this M is OVER. But can at least 2 A's be forgiven BEFORE we found MB?

sunshine,
I know that feeling of having a great marriage after an affair..........I know you don't want to lose that.......if you truly are living with the MB guidelines then you have to talk to your husband and ask for the truth..........
Then I want you to take some time to really think about your life and what you need to be okay in the marriage.........
I guess it will depend on what really happened. If you explain to him that maybe a lie detector test might set your mind at ease once and for all...........if he really means that he is willing to do anything he won't object, once you have all the facts you put together a great plan to recover. I think you can survive this........as long as you feel what you are feeling now between you.........
Work together to solve any problems you have that is the MB way is it not?
Good luck............remember it's a long road to recovery this is just one of the bumps

Thank you JT! Your words of encouragement have been my savior. It means alot to me that you care enough to help me through this!

sunshine,
you are very welcome, 20 years and a family is worth the effort..........keep us posted

I would not use any of the old names and numbers you have to try to get info directly from a possible OW. Even if he did have affairs with these women and not just "sexting" it sounds like it was a long time ago. If you contact them now as him or as yourself you will be reminding them of his existence and possibly pulling them back into your world. If you need more info, which it sounds like maybe you do, it sounds like it needs to come from your husband even if that means a polygraph.

I do think the OW is just trying to stir up trouble. It is probably killing her that you two are happy. Think hard before you let her achieve her goal.

I hope you don't, sunshine. Especially because the two of you are doing so well with your recovery.

How about this: wait for one month and then see if you still think you should tell your H about OW's BS FB stuff. Can you do that?

I think this FB stuff is a tempest in a teapot that doesn't deserve any space in the recovery of your M.

I agree, he doesn't need to know at this point. If you can succeed in blocking things so this isn't a problem again, he doesn't need to know at all.

Late January 2009 was the last C from OW. (A started in Dec 04.) She had come up with another male alias, likely enlisted the help of a friend in her little plot, and tried to stir up some trouble. From what was said, she likely knows about MB.

Oh well, she can't scare me off here. I have nothing to hide, and I'm sure the mods would have my back if it ever came to that.

MB, I would like to thank you, too. You have helped me through many trials during my 9mos of trying to recover from this nightmare. I will make this promise to you, MB. I will not say anything to WH, for at least 1 month, if ever.

My question is to you, do you think I should have WH take a polygraph? If I decide to, then I believe telling him about the FB fiasco can be a way to start a conversation about WH having to take a polygraph. Does that make any sense?! Sometimes I wish I could just call and talk to someone on the phone. Much easier to explain what I mean with words!

"I have received information that you may have had more A's and sexual contact/sexting, etc., than I knew about. If our M is to R, I need to have the full truth. I have scheduled a polygraph for [date, time]. If there's anything you want to tell me before then, I'm right here."

DO NOT give up your source.

Question;

Where does not telling H about FB fit into RH?

I know when snooping you never reveal, but they seem to be on 9 months of recovery.

Here's your question, back at you Do YOU want him to take one? Do you feel that you don't have all the info you need in order to continue healing? If that's the case, I would definitely schedule the polygraph.

You don't need to come out about the FB incident in order to schedule a polygraph. Just tell him that you have more questions that you would like to see him answer in the course of taking one.

Your H is not in a position to disagree, and he's not in a position to question you as to why you want one at this point.

"The Policy of Radical Honesty
Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future."

I told my H that I would employ any methods needed to know that I was safe, and that my M was safe. I don't need to tell him what those are. And I was honest enough to tell him that he didn't need to know what they are. This was one of my requirements for recovering the M. I believe that is well within the confines of being honest.

Sunshine, hopefully you have done the same.

I'm not sure how to do the quotes! But, MB, here's your answer, I'm not sure if I really want to know all his past A's, encounters or whatever. What is the use now about something that may have happened years ago? We are working hard at recovery NOW, and if we can go on from here, using Marriage Builder's, then I believe we can make it. If I dredge up the past, what will that get me? More heartache. It is such a weird feeling, sometimes I want to know the past and sometimes I feel it just won't do any good. So if I sound confused, just know that I am!!

Until you can firmly say that you NEED to know, don't proceed with a polygraph. Not everyone needs to have every ounce of info. Yes, your H should be forthcoming with his past (RH) but not at your expense.

"Your husband has had 3 A's on you, this is meant to tell you NEW information. So, you can understand by this part of the sentence that the person who sent this to you knows exactly how many affairs your husband has told you he has had.

and two of them were with BLACK women,
this is being said because the writer believes that YOU have an aversion to Black people, and that the fact of your husband having had sex with anyone of the Black race will instantly make your husband "untouchable" to you. This shows the mind of the writer to be ridiculously infantile. Not to mention EXTREMELY racist. If I were to know this person we would probably end up in jail, because I would likely have to slap her.


so what makes you so special if
your WH has had 3 A's"? this was written because YOU WERE CHOSEN and she WASN'T. Simply the truth here - the concept of "what makes you so special?" is her way of asking HERSELF this question - she cannot figure out why he would cheat on you and NOT LEAVE YOU, and then also doesn't understand why she didn't somehow win in what she saw (and still sees) as a battle for him.


You are wondering if you should tell you husband. I would say that you should, and you should tell him the exact content of the message. Tell him that your marriage is surviving TWO affairs...and that honesty and openness can work through three...but only if there is NO CONTACT, and that the two of you address this issue - without responding to the POSOW.

I wonder how much of this message is true, because it is actually written with one goal in mind - that is to drop a bomb into your recovery effort.

It is working.


Your choice is whether or not you choose to let POSOW's bomb be a dud, or a nuclear event.

You. Choose.

SB

SB, you always have a wonderful way of helping people understand the "hidden messages". Thank you so much, I can clearly see what she meant by the digusting FB message she wrote to me. I cannot remember all of it, but that part probably stung the most. She also wrote (just bear with me here, cause this part will probably make you laugh, lots of fogbabble!) "Your WH and I had a serious 2 yr relationship, I don't lie, I have all the cards, gifts and voicemails he sent for proof."

Seriosly? WTF? Reading that part of the message, I laughed out loud. Their A may have lasted 2 yrs, but "serious relationship"? Puh-lease!!! I still don't quite understand how my WH pulled it off, because every night and every weekend he was home with us, his family. That is why I am still in shock over this. I think they mainly had a texting relationship and would see each other like once a month on Fridays when WH told me he was playing poker! No more poker for him!! (I think I just made a pun, haha)

Now to be serious, yes, she did drop a bomb and it is working, but I am trying to squash these feelings quickly.

I am very confused now. You are telling me to tell WH about the FB fiasco, and others say not to. This is hard. There is no right or wrong answer I suppose.

I do not think, if I tell WH, that he will have any feelings for her at all. I think he will be pissed and feel so sorry and sad for me. He really hates this POSOW. WH told me that his feelings dimished for her after being in the A for about 6 mos. POSOW would threaten to tell me about the A and actually called me a couple times, so WH continued the A. Sick I know.