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Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why do you need to tell the therapist anything at all about exposure until after the fact? Don't EVER give any warning you are about to expose, it just gives the two WS time to mitigate the damage. Secondly: He really has millions $$$ to lose over this, plus two young daughters. Why do you care about this? If he has millions to lose he would have kept his pants zipped up. How much do YOU have to lose? I imagine you'd lose a good chunk of money, your home and time with your kids, in part because of this "friend". You think about that next time you feel sorry for exposing. Swears nothing physical has happened with this other guy. Do you know what you believe from your wife right now? N-O-T-H-I-N-G Everything that comes out of a wayward's mouth upon DDay is a lie.
Last edited by americajin; 02/20/11 05:28 PM.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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I will tell the therapist that I am going to expose to the OWM. Unless he has a specific plan for exposure, I am going forward. You aren't going to get a better more detailed plan than the one that Mel just outlined for you. Does your therapist have a good success rate helping folks dealing with an affair? Have you ever asked him this? What is the plan he uses and why?? We get so many folks here who have been wasting their time with marriage counseling and get NOWHERE whilst the affair gets more and more entrenched... Counselors are focused on things like communication and conflict management so since exposure is likely to make your WW angry, he probably will not understand it. But the opposite is true...the more angry your WW is over exposure, the better! It means that you are interfering in the fantasy and of course she will hate it (that is a GOOD thing and is the whole point!) but she will get over the anger, they all do.
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A 6-month emotional affair with a guy living down the street and she swears it hasn't gone physical? Sorry to break the news to you, but you are being trickle-truthed here. The odds are extremely high that they have been having sex for quite a while. Once a man has the woman emotionally connected, sex will come quickly.
My wife's emotional affair turned physical after 60 days. And, of course, she claimed he was only a friend and it wasn't even an emotional affair.
Your marriage is being assaulted by a POSOM who has no regard for you or your two young children. Do not believe what you have seen or been told by your WW. This OM should be viewed as a drug dealer who is feeding your WW heroin. She is LOST while under the spell.
You need to march yourself down to his house and ask to speak to his wife. She is entitled to know what her husband is doing to their marriage and yours. When this OM has to start battling his own wife over this, you will be half way there to killing this A.
But, do not make strategic errors so early in this war. The way you follow the exposure steps here will likely determine the outcome of your M.
I also have young kids, and my FWW was ready to ask for a D so that she could start over with her OM. Her A was dead within weeks of full exposure, and now we are 4 months into a promising recovery.
DO NOT discount the steps laid out for you here. You have a skilled army backing you up in your war. We have all been there.
Last edited by Wisertoday; 02/20/11 06:36 PM.
Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40
2011: In recovery
A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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What Wisertoday said. In spades.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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This affair has most likely gone to a PA.
Your gut is telling you that your MC is not cutting it that's why you looked for more help and found MB.
Don't tell the MC about exposure just expose and do it today.
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PD, you are not a bad guy. You should never take the blame for your WW behavior. She made the decision to ruin her marriage with her reckless behavior.
Exposure may drive her away like you said but the alternative is a drawn out period of heartache and agony. Please do everything you're told here. It will save you years of regret and confusion.
I felt the same way when my WH did this to me...I couldn't believe I chose to stay. We have no kids but i somehow felt this might be what would turn our marriage around for good.
Well, it didn't because i knew nothing about MB at the time. 2+ years later, i am still dealing with the result....
BS-32-Me
WH-37
No kids
DDay- 10/2008
Plan A-02/28/2011
Recovery or nothing!
Married-10 years
Still recovering...
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You guys were right and I'm blowing this thing up tomorrow... My wife and the OM just traded emails last night and are planning a series of dates to see if they are right for each other! Are they nuts!?!?!? Of course they aren't thinking clearly... In the email she said she told and old friend of her's about the affair and her friend had some interesting ideas about it, but obviously approved of it. I think her other best friend is in on it too now. She spends a lot of time with her and shares everything with her. The funny thing is my wife, her best friend and the OMW are all best friends. I don't know how she can justify this in her head. It could ruin her friendship (probably too late now) with her friends...
I found the phone# for the OMW and I'm going to call her tomorrow, but I have the kids on a day trip all day. Is it enough to tell her over the phone or should I really meet her in person?
Last edited by PurpleDragon; 02/21/11 06:20 AM.
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Call her (OBS) first. Make it simple and as factual as possible. (I think that is kindest way for her to take the blow. I would not even try explaing their behavior, or elabolrate on your feelings about this at this time.)
[i]
Step away from your ki[/i]ds for a few minutes and call her.
I would not leave a VM. If she does not pick up, call back.
You do not know how she is going to react. Give her the dignity to have her emotions (she may not beleive you, get angry with you or any thing at first.)
Give her your evidence, and information on how to get ahold of you if/when she needs to talk.
Tell her about MB. I hope this OBS has the insight to come here.
NOW is the time to act. Before is goes further.
Last edited by barbiecat; 02/21/11 07:39 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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PurpleDragon,
People in affairs do not think clearly. Here it is called "the fog". Affairees will twist everything around to make the affair all right in their mind. Think crack addict. here are many similarities.
Call today. Tell OMW about the proof you have seen. She may have a feeling or some knowledge that something is wrong. Once I found out about my H's affair, I called the OWH in the first two hours. He was not surprised as he had been suspecting something. We shared information and were able to stop the physical part of the affair immediately. However, it took longer for no contact because H and OW worked together.
Once you expose the affair and your wife agrees to go no contact with OM, you will need to lose those friends. They are not friends of your marriage.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Call OMW right now, do not wait until tomorrow. Be calm. Just the facts. Be prepared to present evidence if asked. The fact that your WW and OMW are "friends" does actually help to kill the affair. After the exposure, of course 
Last edited by recon6mo; 02/21/11 07:48 AM.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I've made up my mind to call this morning... I was very late last night when I was typing my last note and I thought it was yesterday! I actually feel pretty calm right now. Not a lot of anxiety.
I re-reading the last email exchange, they just want to spend some respectful time together because they are such close friends, but they don't want to go down that slippery slope to sex... WTF? Isn't that why you spend "respectful" time together. She suggests a series of low key activities, like going to book stores, visiting museum, etc... isn't that the stuff she should be doing with me??? She said separation on Saturday, then the next morning said she is not out of the marriage yet and wants to see some changes in me and our relationship before she jumps back in. She has said that she was totally transparent about this affair (not really, she is hiding stuff from me now). If total transparency is what you want, I'll give it to the OMW too! It might be over between us, but she is not going to run around in secret while the OMW is still clueless. If I tell the OMW and she OK with her husband running around with my wife, then my wife and the OM need to get an apartment together and move out.
Anyway, either way it's getting blown up today, if I can logistically work it out. I have the kids by myself almost all day. Tomorrow, I have some time by myself and she's got the kids. (they are out of school this week)
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PD, do you have a keylogger on her computer? If not, go download one and install it so you still have a way to watch her on the computer. eblaster is a good one at spectorsoft.com
In addition to the OMW I would bring in as many close family members as possible and ask for their support. You will need their support in two ways, to try and persuade her to end her affair and to give you moral support.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why am I putting a keylogger on the computer? She'll go underground and change passwords and such? Not much I can do if she just moves out on me, which is what I think might happen... I'm going to put one on anyway. Thanks!
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Keylogger will get the passwords even if she changes them. Expose like you planned and let that process take it's course, let your wife feel everything that is coming her way, The best way to break the fantasy life with the OM is to let reality hit them square in the face.........let that happen, don't help her, just keep telling her you love her and you are fighting for your life even if she isn't right now.
Tell her there can't be 3 of you in this marriage, if she wants the OM then she should move on and out ............
Be strong and firm..............this is not something you are going to accept.......
When the two of them are faced with the real problems this is going to create it will cause nothing but problems between them that is exactly what you want to happen...........
good luck
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Why am I putting a keylogger on the computer? She'll go underground and change passwords and such? Even if she changes passwords, the keylogger will continue to email you daily reports. With eblaster you only have to get on her computer once.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why am I putting a keylogger on the computer? She'll go underground and change passwords and such? Not much I can do if she just moves out on me, which is what I think might happen... I'm going to put one on anyway. Thanks! Does she have her own computer? When my WxW left, she took her computer with her. I was still able to learn her new address, that her OM had paid her phone bill (I even learned his credit card number!), where she was applying for work, and which friends of "ours" she was still in communication with.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Just installed the eblaster software. It wants me to reboot the computer before it starts working... my wife never reboots her computer and it would be sure tip off if I did it right now. I might have to find a way for her to lose power on her computer and make it reboot. Hopefully nothing comes up on eblaster when you reboot.
When I went on her computer to install it there was hotel reservations in May for a concert in another town a couple of hours away... argh...
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Why am I putting a keylogger on the computer? She'll go underground and change passwords and such? Not much I can do if she just moves out on me, which is what I think might happen... I'm going to put one on anyway. Thanks! Does she have her own computer? When my WxW left, she took her computer with her. I was still able to learn her new address, that her OM had paid her phone bill (I even learned his credit card number!), where she was applying for work, and which friends of "ours" she was still in communication with. If she moves out on a long term basis, really don't want to snoop on her... but for a short term basis I don't mind...
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You are doing great, PurpleDragon.
Kill the affair.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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