I told you so....LOL

WE both wanted it so bad. So many confusing thoughts.

"Does she want me?" "Does he want me?"
"Who starts?"

She was pampered like a princess all day. Great, great day with family. I asked, "Where are you? What are you feeling all day?"

She said, "I am trying to keep the hamster wheel from spining in my head. I am trying to just be still. And also regain my health. (been sick for weeks -- we agree much is emotional and spirtual fatigue.)" However she also said, "I am feeling rotten about me. You have married 40 something men online who think I am awful. You have your sisters who think I am a demon. My own support of friends and family are worried about you. I am shamed."

All I could say was, "I love you. I wasn't the best man I could be and I am sorry. You made a terrible mistake and you are sorry."

So....

We were watching TV in bed. I said, you know. earlier today I was rubbing your back and feet. I'd be happy to continue and give you a proper massage. Deep tissue including hips, legs and buns. No hanky panky. Maybe its too early."

But she was all over it. "Are you sure?" She ripped off all her clothes. Got comfy on the bed. Said, "I really want to feel your skin on my skin." She responded to having her body touched so deeply. WE really wanted it badly.

Our SF has always been really good. From the first time when we dated 18 years ago. We've been anything but boring. Just feel so good connected together.

This morning she told me her therapist has said to her, "I am surpirised that part of your relationship is so good. With how much bitterness you have toward your H, how empty you say the marriage is, how much you want to walk away and hurt him, you still say SF is deep, intimate, connected."

As great as SF has always been, we are imaging how much greater its going to become. Wow. Its going to be even better than this?!?! Hell yes.

Once again....I told you so. LMAO

BTW there are still very hard days in front of you. And a long road. But maybe now you can catch a glimpse of the prize...and some motivation.


And maybe you just hit the jackpot and hit hysterical bonding. Google it if you have never heard of it. LOL

Definitely a long road. We are not nearly there yet. Just a glimpse. We spent some time this morning processing last night. How did it start? How could we have intiated more directly? What was every motivation? What was every verbal and non verbal communication?

I mean, its good stuff. I have wanted more dialogue about SF and now we're getting it. So that's good.

Don't know what happens next. Lots of dialogue and processing. Got to take it slow. I want to have marathon talks. But she can't do that.

Stick with Plan A. Be the best I can. Change myself. Work on who I want to be for me, for my children, for my life partner. That's all I can do. It hurts a lot sometimes. But I shall stay strong.

30 JANUARY 2011
PLEASE HELP.
Help me with the next hour. THe next six hours. THe next 12.
The next one day.
How do I get through Sunday?

20 FEBRUARY 2011
We spent some time this morning processing last night.
How did it start?
How could we have initiated more directly?
What was every motivation? What was every verbal and non verbal communication?
I mean, it's good stuff.
I have wanted more dialogue about SF and now we're getting it. So that's good.

The measure of success is not a statement of where we are, but of how far we have come.

NeverGuessed -- Great Post!

Thank You

Plan A. Plan A. Plan A.


That's what got you to today.
It will get you through the next few months.

And get her past her fog.

Do. Not. Stop.


Meanwhile, work on changing yourself.

Read the book "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the box" by the Arbinger Institute. About 137 pages of gold.

SB

Stretch - YOU ARE DA MAN! I'm proud of you and more than a little bit JEALOUS! Please don't drop off now - you have to keep going with this plan A. My only suggestion is to try and find a balance, don't 'work' at this all the time. It's too emotionally exhausting.

You are both doing good. Glad to see, keep at it. Its fun when you get some results huh?

One of our latest nagging thoughts: How do we find the "new normal" as a couple with the people around us. Her group that was "in the know." My group that is helping me through this.

She says, "My people are all worried about you." Well, I do think they have all also made me the bad guy to a large extent.

She says, "Its hard for me to face your family now. I am the hideous demon. I don't know when I'll be ready."

She says, "Its hard for me to face your family now. I am the hideous demon. I don't know when I'll be ready."

1) As tempting and truthful as it may be to reply, "Very true because actions have consequences, stupid!", it would probably be slightly more useful to learn to say, "We will work through this as a married couple, as long as we remain committed to our marriage!" Say it, at first, through gritted teeth if you have to, but say it.
2) Do not unnaturally delay/divert/postpone the usual family events/gatherings. That will just engrave in stone your wife's "otherness".

Two weeks after my d-day, we went on a long-planned Carribbean vacation with my brother's family. Rough, yes, but important to the speed of our recovery.

Stretch--it excites me to see your results. That's Plan A and exposure at work!

I'm dealing with the "your family thinks I'm the devil" dilemma also. I agree with NeverGuessed... as tempting as it is to say "if you didn't want my family to hate you, you should not have done this," don't do it! I know from experience.

What is working for me, is the "I will fight for you, I have your back, and we will work through this together" approach. Not only does it let her know she's not alone, but she'll gain some respect for you as a man, since you're standing up and fighting for her. That's big stuff for guys like you and I, who (from the sounds of it) are generally passive individuals.

Congrats on the progress!

Who is more important? Your spouse or your (or your spouse's) family?

Jesus said, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and two will become one flesh?" - Matthew 19:4-5, NIV

Do you put your family's opinion ahead of your spouse's?

I don't think Stretch does--I don't either.

However, our WW's apparently put a lot of stock in the BS's family's opinion of them. I can understand how, if I was a WS, their anger and dislike (er, hatred...) would seem like a big obstacle to climb.

It is and it should be. Maybe even means they will think twice years down the road before doing this again.

I say let them deal with it. My wife certainly is, its tearing her up. I say good.

Mine's dealing with it, too, but I said to her that it was best to just get it over with...no sense delaying.

She hemmed and hawed and debated with herself about inviting my sister and brother in law inside for dinner.

"Yes." "No, I can't." "Yes let's do it." "ugh, no I am not ready...." "Yes."

I extended the invite and they rejected it. It hurt. A lot.

After years of my wife feeling hurt by my sister, we just have to move onto different couples relationships. Its sad because cousins are extremely important part of FC and our children. So we'll keep it a relationship for the kids, and because family is family and we won't disconnect. But I realize my wife has been hurt by my sister a lot over the years. And now, to make it worse, my sister has a real, justifiable reason to hate my wife. She cheated on little brother.

By the way, many times my wife has said, "I am tired of your damn 'Survivors group' b.s." However, after explaining that I find comfort in knowing other 40-something husbands and fathers in the same circumstances... and we call it a 'Support group' now... she said, "I am glad you found them."

Also, I shared the above advice about "Doing it as a couple" "I have your back / you have mine." "We do it together" She really appreciated that advice.

stretch, I have imagined this obstacle and I think I would say something like no one has the right to judge WW except me and God. If we can put this behind us it shouldn't be of the slightest concern to anyone else.

YEs; No one else matters. What matters is the two of us.

Our therapist pointed out yesterday, that we don't need anyone else's critiques. I have asked people to explain to me what I did wrong in the marriage. Give me some tough love. He said, you don't really need that. You just need support. Support for who the two of you are now. Support for what you did today and plan to do tomorrow. Do not look for everyone to make a list of wrongs each of you committed in the past to explain all the damage in the marriage. He said, you will need to say this over and over to people: "I don't want your critique of me or my wife. I want your support for the here and now."