I literally thank God that in the first few weeks after Dday I did not see OW (actually still havent to this day) because I honestly dont know what I would have done, run her over maybe...anyway, prolly something that would have me in jail to this day....Thank God for small favors...

But it isn't. She isn't sinning. The marriage she helped destroy is just that--DESTROYED-it is gone. That marriage no long exists. Now she is married to the man and THAT marriage DOES exist. As well as the BW has married someone else and THAT marriage DOES exist.

I do agree that doesn't make it anyless painful for BW....her pain doesn't care that her XWH and this OW are married....they are married at BWs expense and so the pain continues for a long time. However, she may have a very happy life now and not be pained daily about how her first husband (and child) were stolen from her. And in light of the fact that OW and XWH are still together an apology would ring hollow no matter how sincere it really is.

@ stillhere8126

I believe NC is a Christian.
As a Christian, I believe she needs to follow God's lead in her desire to make amends with BW.
Whether or not BW is "receptive" to God's leading NC to make amends to her, is between BW & God...
NC needs to simply be obedient to God's leading "her"...
As a Christian & in reading Scripture, I use "The Inductive Bible Study Method". :

1. Observation~
http://www.walkwiththeword.org/Aids/HowTo/Inductive_2-Observation.html

2. Interpretation~
http://www.walkwiththeword.org/Aids/HowTo/Inductive_3-Interpretation.html

3. Application~
http://www.walkwiththeword.org/Aids/HowTo/Inductive_4-Application.html

In reading Scripture regarding divorce & remarriage, I have come to the understanding that:

1.When a H / W divorces their spouse, as long as they "both" remain unmarried, it is possible for their marriage to be restored.
Therefore, "remarriage" is an option.
2. Both spouses should remain "single".
Therefore, "remarriage" is an option.
3. If the "one" who divorced his/her spouse marries someone other than their "spouse", the marriage vows are "broken".
Therefore, "remarriage" is not an option.
4. If the "one" who was divorced marries someone other than their "spouse", the marriage vows are "broken".
Therefore, "remarriage" is not an option.
5. If "both" marry someone other than their "spouse", the marriage vows are "broken".
Therefore, "remarriage" is not an option.

Because NC & FWH married, FWH & BW's marriage vows were "broken".
Therefore, "remarriage" is not an option.
Because BW married someone other than her "spouse", the marriage vows were broken.
Therefore, "remarriage" is not an option.

I do not know if NC & FWH married first, or if BW & her 2nd H married first.
That is a moot point.
What is important, IMHO, is that once the marriage vows are broken (by whomever / for whatever reason), the accountability that was between the formerly covenanted H & W, shifts "to" their being accountable to God.
He has the "last" word in dealing His discipline to the "perpetrator(s)" of the "broken marriage vows".

If you are interested in reading Scripture that speaks of divorce & marriage, here are three links that may help.

http://www.jeremiahproject.com/culture/divorce.html

http://atgrace.org/uploads/pdf/unsorted/divorce_and_remarriage_policy_07.pdf

http://www.gotquestions.org/divorce-remarriage.html

Quote

How about the part where....You stop committing the sin!!!

EXCELLENT STATEMENT!
The ONLY person I can tell to "stop committing the sin!" is ME! God has chosen NOT to allow me to be His "Holy Spirit" so that I can tell "anyone" to "stop committing the (whatever) sin(s) they are committing!"
Luke 6:42 (New American Standard Bible)
"Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye."

I am confident that the "specks" in NC & FWH's eyes will be taken care of by God... In His time... In His way...

Therefore, I will not presume to be their "Judge"...
Matthew 7:2 (New American Standard Bible)
"For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (The "You" = LoveIsaChoice4Me!)

YIKES! That scares ME! I positively do NOT want to be on the receiving end of the "standard of measure" I use in judging others...

God Bless

Ummmmm, thank you for the scriptures using your bible study method....I also believe that NC should make amends with the exBW....and I believe to truly make amends with her that she should not be still with the AP....otherwise its not a true apology....Jmho...

I dont think I am judging NC at all....but thank you for the Bible lesson anyway...Judging NC is only in Gods hands, not mine...as I have already stated...

And I know that the Bible states that the BW should not remarry either...thank you for clarifying that my lonliness will last a lifetime because my WH decided he loved another....That is why it is still just my DS and I after almost 4 years...and my WH gets to live it up with his AP...but his judgement will be with God and so will mine....

But the BW remarrying has nothing to do with NC still being with her AP and wanting to apologize to the ex BW....

I am aware that my mention of bitterness bothered some. I do not believe that everyone who disagrees with me is bitter. I am not so arrogant to think that in order for someone to be right that they must agree with me.....I don't know everything, not even close.

So I say what has been said to me on countless occasions: if one is not bitter, then my mention of bitterness was not intended for them and should not be taken as such. There are a handful of posters who are very bitter. They have been through great pain, and I cannot imagine how I would feel in that situation.

Telling the truth and disagreeing with someone is not bitterness. It's just being honest. Outside of cloning or a cult, there is no such thing as a group of people who are exactly alike in every way. I learn a lot from people who have a different opinion from me because it causes me to think about mine and evaluate.

I am sorry you think that. I do not see that in the Bible AT ALL. Adultery breaks the marriage bond and you are scripturally free to remarry someone else.

Adultery breaks the marriage bond and I am free to divorce....but remarry?...no...Sad, but that is the way I read it...please I would love to be convinced otherwise, truly.

'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.� However, I say to you that everyone divorcing his wife, except on account of fornication, makes her a subject for adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.� (Mt 5:31,�32


Also, after telling the Pharisees that the Mosaic concession of divorcing their wives was not the arrangement that had prevailed �from the beginning,� Jesus said: �I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.� (Mt 19:8,�9)

These scriptures indicate the adultery severs the bond and you are free to remarry.

I am gonna have to crack open my Bible....I havent in a while...I dont know what scriptures convinced me that I couldnt remarry...but, goodness, this would change a lot for me....Thank you SW....

What do you mean by this? That she would be better off to remain single? She is still free to remarry. (after she legally divorces him of course)

Well....I am still in Plan B to protect myself against the pain of seeing and/or speaking to him....I dont have any belief at this point that that the marriage will be saved, Plan B is just for me right now, not my so called "marriage". WH is still with OW...I dont think he will ever change his mind....

I will divorce him when I am ready to go through with it, emotionally...I dont know when that will be.

Thanks...always need the prayers...

I just wanted to weigh in on what DrH MAY feel about this topic. I have read most of the content on this site and(not being as good as ML to find it quickly) I remember reading that DrH would advise a man, who was married to his OW, that he would be happier to D his OW and remarry his xBW.

I know that DrH will try to help any marriage, he has stated that he hasn't had any success in saving an affairage though, due to the shaky foundation that the relationship started on.

I also had the same questions about an OW in an affairage being a FOW. Thanx for bringing it up Still.

I remember reading that too. However, I do not believe that is scriptural. If neither were remarried yet, then sure...restore the family if the BS is willing. But if either BS or WS has remarried all bets are off...it is a REAL marriage with REAL biblical rules applying.


I wondered about this too....I think the way this board works she would still be an OW. But I guess it is a small point.

SW, I wasn't talking about Biblical "thumbs up." I was touching on a point that was made about what DrH would believe, we would also believe(on this site). Although, I DO believe that we are entitled to our OWN opinions on this site, within reason of course.

I am NOT suggesting that NC D her WH to allow him to remarry his XBW. I doubt the XBW would want him back anyways. And seeing as NC's WH has committed adultery in THIS marriage, would it not stand to reason that NC would NOT be sinning if she were to D him?

NC, I haven't seen a response to my question, "Have you told your children about the A that YOU had?"

another thing...I recently heard dr h on his radio show stressing the importance of NC between a BH and the OM who was living w/ the xWW. I really would advise the OP to call the radio show or the coaching center befor making contact w the xBW despite all the advise to apologize...

Sorry for mistakes, this is a cell phone post.

another thing...I recently heard dr h on his radio show stressing the importance of NC between a BH and the OM who was living w/ the xWW. I really would advise the OP to call the radio show or the coaching center befor making contact w the xBW despite all the advise to apologize...

Sorry for mistakes, this is a cell phone post.

Hi Scotland,

No, I have not told my children yet of my affair. Honestly I have been avoiding posting here since I saw you asked the question because I wanted to be able to tell you truthfully that I had. I don't want you to think that I have started all this debate and then just walked away though so here I am.

My son is grown and lives on his own and I haven't been able to schedule a time to sit down with him yet and don't feel this is a phone conversation. My daughter has a friend in town that she has not seen in a long while and I don't think telling her in front of her friend would be a good idea. It may be a good lesson for her friend, but would likely humiliate my daughter as I am certain she is going to be very unhappy with me.

That said I do have every intention of telling them. I actually had a bad dream about it this weekend. Ugh. Price you pay when you mess up! Friend leaves to go home tomorrow, my daughter spends Tuesday nights with my husband so I will sit her down Wednesday evening after school to talk with her. With any luck I can get my son to join us so that I don't have to do this twice.

The anticipation of the conversation makes me naseous. But, I am trying really hard to take to heart what I am learning here and know you all are right that it must be done. I will update when I have had the conversation.

As far as whether to reconcile with my husband or divorce, I am as conflicted as the members on this board are so I have no update on that front.

I do believe that I will not post to anyone else's thread again. I have only done so a couple of times but it has been pointed out to me that I am too tainted to possibly be of help. I don't want to be a trigger or a hinderance so I will NOT be doing that again.

As for the question of whether an OW becomes a FOW if she marries her AP... in my opinion absolutely not. Deep down I have never felt like anything other than the OW. I think it is a title I will likely keep in most peoples eyes as long as I stay in my marriage. Again, price you pay.

NC