Thank you for taking the time to respond and I hope that you WILL talk to your children about what you did. There WILL be anger. There WILL be hurt. I believe that it is important for them to KNOW what has happened, they may already know though.

You were already D from your 1st H when you met your WH right?

Yes, I was. My divorce was final before I met my WH.

I don't remember reading the details of your current seperation....if he has committed adultery AGAIN, I would think you would be done with him--realizing that he is not husband material. especially as you feel he really has no true remorse for the damage he was part of.

I would not divorce your current husband in some sort of effort to 'right the wrong' you did years ago. That is a wrong you can never right unfortunately. However I do believe that if you end up divorcing your husnand you will be able to move on and find a peace by being out of that relationship that will never be 'right'.

I wish you peace either way.

One thought that came to me over the weekend that I feel the need to share is about exposure.

I do not know if the BW in my case knew about this site. Some of the stuff she did seems right on but a lot of it doesn't so I am unsure. She did however call my parents, and tell our coworkers, boss, and anyone she knew that WH knew in the state we were living. It did cause us both to lose our jobs. Me within a couple of months and him within a year.

My parents didn't really believe her, as I didn't at first, but the thought that occured to me this weekend is that if she had reached my grandma she would have blown us to kingdom come. My grandma was the sweetest, kindess, most wonderful woman in the world and also the most devout follower of Jesus I have ever seen.

If she had been told I was dating a married man I would have died a million times over for shame at her reaction. Her disappointment in me would have been unbearable. I have no good answer for why I didn't think of that then, or why knowing that didn't stop me then. I guess I just never thought she would know any of the sordid details.

My point is that exposure really could be powerful. I have read a lot of threads where the BS is afraid of exposure and unsure how far and wide it should go, but if anyone is interested in my perspective from the OW side, go three steps farther than you think you can or is necessary.

It just takes reaching that one right person, and you never know who that is going to be.

NC

Smiling Woman, thank you. And I apologize for posting on your thread about your son's visitation. I should have realized that would be offensive. I am sorry.

As far as divorcing my husband, I have forgiven him for his adultery in our marriage. Some have suggested that it is my biblical "out" of this marriage. Thing is I don't want to divorce him for the adultery. If I do, it is going to be because I can't reconcile the marriage with my attempt to "sin no more". I think that God would know the real reason so using his adultery as my excuse doesn't really feel like a good idea. And, like I said I am as conflicted as the posters here. I can see both sides, and both sides seem to have scripture to back them. Really, I just want to crawl under my bed and live there. :-) JK

NC

Well, thank you....this makes everything different for me...As I was reading the Bible just now though...I still see some stuff that says I shouldnt remarry or at least that is how I interpret it...I guess I will just have to do a lot of praying, but right now I am not worried about it for me, because I know that I am not ready for a new relationship now anyway...but thank you for posting this Loveisachoice....

I know....I eventually, someday, would like to have a relationship....but i just cant seem to reconcile that with how I interpret the Bible readings....Maybe its Gods way of letting me know that I am just not ready yet and when the time comes he will let me know then too....

It's good that you recognize that you cannot imagine how you would feel in the same situation because truly, it often feels unbearable. You have NO IDEA.

IMHO it might be wise to not accuse others of being "bitter". Why not call them "hurt"? You seem to acknowledge that they are bitter because they are hurt ~ yet bitter has an ugly overtone while hurt does not.

You have no idea the continued pain BSs go through, even while in a great recovery...NONE. To accuse those who are hurting so badly that they come across as "bitter" is incredibly unempathetic. It's an unnecessary term, one that is used a lot in your posts. It's not helpful and only causes others to be defensive. And then in the next post there will be complaints about being "attacked" for calling others bitter.

Please think about this.

How can it be a "real marriage" when one or both of the spouse's were married when the A started? Doesn't that in and of itself prevent it from being a legitimate marriage at least in God's eyes?

Legally it may be "real" but in God's eyes ~ no way.

Yeah...I agree...

But I am bitter...so what do I know?

I think this makes the most sense to me from all of the suggestions I have heard so far. ITA.

Again, I am not calling any person bitter. And though bitterness has a negative connotation....I think most people who have gone through pain, especially pain that was inflicted on them for no good reason, struggle with it.

But I do agree that labeling people and calling names is never productive. I know that being called wayward and having my children's heritage questioned years after the fact did absolutely nothing to improve the state of my M. That's why I don't listen to it anymore.

And now it is time for me to remember what I learned so effectively over Christmas and step back.

ITA. I couldn't articulate it other than to say I felt the use of the term bitter was uncalled for but you nailed it...

Interesting that you always seem to run away when anyone points out that what you are saying to those who have been terribly HURT might be hurtful.
'
You are accusing others of being bitter and you admit it has a negative connotation. And now you run away because someone points that out to you?

Self-reflection is never a bad thing, luri...and running away isn't going to help as it's not going to change anything. You cannot run away from "you"....

I have spent much of my life, especially the past few years, self-reflecting, a fact that most people acknowledge....as long as I steer clear of certain things. I am not running away. I just know that after a certain point it no longer becomes about the statement I made. I am not bitter about that; it is a fact of life that people don't always agree and that different people handle disagreement differently.

It is possible that bitter was to loaded a word. I was reacting to the remorse I sensed in the OP that seemed very sincere and then reading some very harsh words that seemed to go beyond hurt and into more of a personal attack. I thought that NC was sincere in wanting help, and I wanted to encourage her to keep posting and listening, letting her know that she will encounter (not just on forums but in real life too) people who will assume that she is....forever failed because she chose to have an A. It's part of the fallout from such a choice. There are people who feel that way about me. And for a long time I took perfectly good time and energy away from my M to try to convince people that I was "really changed," people who really have no connection to my life or family.

When a WW comes to me IRL or on a forum and all they want to do is justify.....I have no patience for that. But if someone is really remorseful, really wanting advice about doing the right thing....I want to help. I want them to be able to find what DH and I have found....yes, both of us. Because his love for me eclipsed his anger at me long ago, and it is a wonderful feeling.

There is a true story about a former Jew who lost his family to the Nazis.

After the war he was hunting these people, and when he found one, hiding in the hills, he informed the officials who would bring him to justice and hang him, and told them where he was.

The Jewish man on the evening that the officials were coming to get the man posed as a reporter and went to the mans house to interview him. He wanted to see him squirm when they came, and make sure he was there.

The Nazi broke into tears, and the Reporter found the man so repentant after hours of questions and interview, he had a change of heart. He told the former Nazi about the men coming to take him away and hang him, and implored him to flee.

The Nazi said to him, "On one condition, forgive me". The Jewish reporter could not say the words, he could not do it, he had devoted his life and it was now his passion to seek justice. It was who he was now. The officials came and the took the Nazi away and hung the Man.

Heard the story from Dr. David Jerimiah, and it was pretty powerful to me. It also shows the damage sin has spread over many people, even the victims.

It seems to me that God would have more compassion on us feeble and weak people than we would, and that he can exact justice better and more unilateraly than we can also.

NCs sin has found her out, and the now two-time champ of Waywards her WH, who professes to be somekinda part-time Christian, has taken Gods Grace as a lisense to Sin again. as far as I can see, he lives in Hell on earth, with No God except one he makes up as he goes along. I wonder how that is working for him? We may think he is getting away with something, but it is probably more true that his selfish pursuits loses him the peace he would have if he submitted to Gods authority. He is his own God, and like in Shellys Frankenstien, when he looked at the Doctor and told him about the family he used to listen talk about God and pray and praise God, he wanted to die beacuse The Doctor was his creator.

I thank you for the courage you have shown coming here NC, and I am sorry if you don't feel like you can post. I for one do not believe God has less compassion than mankind, and according to the mosaic law, he made a concession for the hardness of mans heart in divorce, and wants us all to be reconciled unto him and each other, and I believe in that order also.

That doesn't mean we have to forgive or even that we have the ability to, or that it is wise to try and take on that mantle, if we learn anything in this life, we should know God is more loving and powerful than we are.

Niether do I think that he would promise us peace and restoration and not be allready planning to give us foolish sinners it.

On this board the plans to protect marriages are discussed simply and plainly, and I stand completly by them, and part of the restoration is the forgivness spouse show when a wayward humbly repents and come home to work on the marriage. I stand for that also, when it can be given, when the pain has been assuaged.

You are going where most people should have started, to God, to find out and search what love is, and how to apply it to your brothers and sisters. How many realize that the vows they took to love and cherish in front of God were more important to them than the love they were recieving from their spouse? How many of us knew what we were getting into, that God made this institution to further his plan to teach us his Grace? I can agree that I was not ready for the marriage I had, but I made my commitment to God more than to my wife, I think that is what has kept me sane and provided more than anything she could have done anyway. There is no perfect soulmate here, and everything we have together is because of God, he is first and foremost and should allways stay that way. In a marriage both should be agreed on that, and be willing to keep it that way, for the rest of our lives.

I hope you stick around and glean the knowledge of this board, and help with the mindgames Waywards are trying to sell the BSs, so you can be completly transparent with your Kids, and anyone else you want to spare pain. I think God would be happy with that.

Are you reading the old or new testement? The old was Gods law, which He/Christ fulfilled on the Cross. What did Jesus say about it?